Problems on the playground - how can I help?

[oceanbaby]

Ds1 is 9yo, and after being homeschooled started 4th grade at public school this year. He has always been a very outgoing, social, popular kid. Not only in homeschool groups, but in afterschool camps and classes, baseball teams, strangers at birthday parties, etc. Making friends was never an issue - too many friends was always the problem!

So, we're about 2 months into school, and as I suspected, ds is finally admitting that there are problems at recess and lunch. There's no outright bullying or teasing going on, but he says that he doesn't play any of the games anymore because the kids all make up rules to tell him he's out right at the beginning of the game, and he says they only do it to him because he's new. He said he is spending recess just sitting on the blacktop or reading a book (this isn't what he would like to be doing).

It's really starting to affect ds, and I don't know how to help him. I've suggested picking one or two kids and inviting them over after school, but he isn't very enthusiastic about this idea. Should I really push this to happen? Is there something else I can do?

I would really appreciate any input about this!

[Linda on the move]

1. talk to the teacher. Find out what she is seeing and ask for suggestions, both on what he could be doing different and who might make a good friend outside of school (because I think that your idea to have a kid over for a play date is a really good one!)

2. are there any activities through school he can get involved in. sports, scouts, chess team, etc.? It's easier to make friends at school when you are doing something else with the same kids.

3. tell us more about why other new boy wanting to be friends with him isn't working, because I'm not following. When you say, "none of the kids let him play," it's not true. Some of the kids are playing and kind of excluding him, but another child WANTS to play with him. So the truth is, "the kids he wants to play with don't want to play with him, and the child who DOES want to play with him he doesn't like."

[oceanbaby]

He wants to play the active games - four square, wall ball, etc. - and he says that every time he plays the other kids immediately tell him he's out, and that he's the only one they do this to.

I was hesitant to sign up for any after school activities because he already does martial arts 3 days a week, and any more than that and it just gets crazy. The martial arts class he's in (just started) is ages 6-12, and I don't think there are any kids from his class in it.

[oceanbaby]

I edited out the part about the one boy following him around - that's really a different issue, and not as big of a problem as being excluded at recess. I'd really love some ideas about how to help him socially on the playground.

[KCMichigan]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

1. talk to the teacher. Find out what she is seeing and ask for suggestions, both on what he could be doing different and who might make a good friend outside of school (because I think that your idea to have a kid over for a play date is a really good one!)

2. are there any activities through school he can get involved in. sports, scouts, chess team, etc.? It's easier to make friends at school when you are doing something else with the same kids.

The above.

1.The teacher could help and also keep an eye on the activities. She may also be able to direct or lead some games that will help your DC possibly interact with some other children or she can recruit some to help make sure everyone is included. The school is a good resource for this---but they need to know your DS is concerned about it. Some kids are happy to read at recess.

2. I would get involved in something that his classmates would be doing. Potentially after school activities (Scouts? After school clubs?) that would involve the same kids. Since he just started Martial Arts, maybe switch to something else or reduce the days---3 x a week is a lot! See if the school has a lunch time book club or other lunch indoor activities?? That also may be a good activity to get to know other kids better as well.


I would also do some play acting with him as well. What can he do if X happens? Who would he like to play with? What can he do if he thinks someone is 'breaking' the rules'?

He may be the only one that gets 'out' or he may not (and just feel like the only one or only paying attention to what is happening to him). There is no way of knowing w/o seeing or having an adult observe. If he gets 'out' then does he get to play the next round?? Often those games are short with many many rounds at recess.

He may be the new kid, but kids often move in and out all year. Another same grade may also have new student or he may even get a new student in his class. Try to discuss it with him and maybe he can seek out friends that are also looking for someone to play with.

Try to set up playdates with kids from school. The 'out of school' play may translate well into school and give him some kids to focus on being friends with.

But, first, I would talk to the teacher and see what her take is. Is he getting along during the school day? What does she see at recess/lunch? etc.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by KCMichigan

He may be the only one that gets 'out' or he may not (and just feel like the only one or only paying attention to what is happening to him). There is no way of knowing w/o seeing or having an adult observe. If he gets 'out' then does he get to play the next round??

I agree with this. I'm a playground monitor at my kids school, and our school policy is that exclusionary play isn't allowed. You need to find out what is really going on.

On one hand, a child routinely being denied to play is a REALLY big deal. At the same time, watching kids play, this story doesn't jive for me. Different kids are in different places doing different things. In his version of events "everybody" is in one place doing the same thing and they kick him out, leaving him to wander around alone with an odd child he doesn't like following him. And this repeats for every recess.

That may be how it FEELS to him, but I seriously doubt that is exactly what is happening.

I'd also ask the teacher if he needs to be doing something a little different socially. Part of the problem *could* be him. It might not be, but leaving an opening for the teacher to let you know if it is *might* make it easier for your son in the long run.

I'm sorry your little guy is going through this!

[oceanbaby]

My son is so hard to figure out!  Yesterday when I asked him what he did at recess, he said "I played wall ball."  I asked if things were better and he shrugged his shoulders and said "I guess."  Then he ran into the backyard and started playing.  I never know exactly how far to push when trying to get info from him.