Feeling a little overwhelmed

[swampangel]

I just needed to air this a bit so thanks for listening.

I have a 7.5 yo ds and a 4.5 yo ds. I am finding myself in the midst of some grief about their growing older. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad to be over the sleep deprivation and constant physical demands but I'm also sort of mourning that they are moving out into the world more and more.

My 7.5yo is particularly triggering my feelings of sadness. I feel like he is experiencing some challenging things out in the world (social mostly at school) and I'm just not a part of that. I try to be open to him and invite dialogue but as most of you know, that is a tricky thing at times.

Anyway, just feeling a little sorry for myself and thought I'd put it out there in this supportive and understanding community. Thanks for listening.

[samstress]

so sorry you're feeling this way.

if ds isn't comfortable opening up with you, is there someone he'd be more comfortable with. or is there another way you could approach it with him. i'm thinking of an article i read in mothering (just found it in july-august 2009) about a mom's creative ways of talking with her son (without really talking). not sure if it's completely relevant (i read it over a year ago), but your situation made me think of it. not sure if you have the mag or can access old articles online.

wish i had some advice (not yet going through what you are). just thought you could use a .

oh, wow, i actually found it. here it is. hope the link works.

[Mom2M]

What a great article, thank you for posting that.
OP I found it hard too with my DS's. As they got older, some of their experiences became things I had no knowledge of and it's so different than when you are the center of their world and they are yours.

[swampangel]

Thanks so much for the hugs and encouraging words. You know, I feel that ds and I have pretty good communication. I think my issue is that it is really hard for me to know that these challenging things are going on in his life. You're so right, Mom2M, that when we are no longer the center of each other's lives, it's just different. I think that's mainly what I'm going through - the adjustment to this new truth in our lives. It is natural for him to branch out and have more experiences on his own, particularly at school. It's just so hard when I hear about kids who say mean things or tough things he's going through. Overall, he has a lot of friends and is doing great. But it's those times when he faces negative things that are hard for me. I want him to be happy but I know that life is full of different experiences.

One thing that has worked for us in the last few days is talking in the dark in bed. My kids crawl into our beds every night so we wake up together and we had a long talk this morning about an incident at school. I think when there isn't such a direct focus on one another in a conversation it's easier. But I will check out this link and I'm sure it will have some great ideas.

Thanks!!

[mommahhh]

I totally understand how you feel. I also have a 7.5 year old. I literally have frequent dreams these days that I have lost her (in the woods, while shopping) and I wake up feeling sick. I feel these dreams are related to the sadness I feel as she grows older. It is so hard when you realize you cannot protect them and that challenging things are happening to them while they are all alone out there. I really hate it. You aren't alone!

[swampangel]

Great Article!!

Thank you, Samstress! What a wonderful article and just what I needed. This is the crux of the struggle for me...wanting to fix it and make it better for him. I know that isn't the best thing for him but it is my instinct. So this was great to remember that just being present and attentive and with his feelings is what he needs from me.

Thanks!!!!

[Mom2M]

Oh, I just thought of something. A really good place to talk to them is in the car, especially if they are old enough to be in the front seat next to you. I have had great conversations with them and they really seem to open up, I think because it's not face to face which can be tough to say things that might be embarrassing.

[sunanthem]

I feel this way too sometimes, especially with my almost 8 year old boy and school, but we have to let them figure out how to handle things.. while making sure our children are safe and protected at school. It can be so hard to hear when they are bullied or hurt by a friend at school- you just wannna protect them from all that.. but you can't shield them from everything in the world.. so I completely understand where your coming from. I've also been realising lately too, how fast time has gone since he was a baby, and how this very special time of him being independent, yet still thinking I'm pretty cool is just as short and precious.

[swampangel]

mommahhh - i totally relate to what you're saying. i think this time in their lives has been a big transition in parenting and development. i'm in awe of the person he is and at the same time grieve deeply at the passing of his younger self. grieving is such a theme in motherhood, isn't it?

sunanthem - you nailed it. i agree with everything you've said. and it's so true that we need to really cherish this time that they are feeling close to us and not pushing us away as they will naturally do later in their adolescent years.

oh my! it's such a ride.

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by swampangel

grieving is such a theme in motherhood, isn't it?

Apparently, but I seriously had NO idea about that until I had a baby! I've never heard anyone ever talk about that before and I was shocked at how sad I have felt at times.

[NiteNicole]

I have a four year old and she is going to be an only. I have regular little breakdowns about how it all goes too fast and we're going to be leaving this kind of magic still mostly at home time behind us soon. I'm so not ready.

I don't have any advice, but hugs and commiseration.

[samstress]

Originally Posted by swampangel

Thank you, Samstress! What a wonderful article and just what I needed. This is the crux of the struggle for me...wanting to fix it and make it better for him. I know that isn't the best thing for him but it is my instinct. So this was great to remember that just being present and attentive and with his feelings is what he needs from me.

Thanks!!!!

oh, i'm so glad it was helpful. when i read your post i immediately thought of that article (i remember really enjoying it at the time -- even though it wasn't really relevant to me - yet). had to dig through my old issues to find it, but so glad i did.

[swampangel]

NiteNicole, I totally understand what you're expressing.  I go between wonder and joy in where my kids are in their lives to a deep grief and nostalgia over their babyhood and earlier years.  I figure this will continue on as they grow and it's just a part of this journey.  I'm really trying to soak in where they are now.  What's been helpful with my 7.5yo lately is just being a witness to his experience and not stepping in to advise so much.  I tend to want to fix things and I get overly concerned about outcomes for him.  But remembering that this journey is, indeed, his and he just needs me to be there along with him is helpful.

Sharing with you all has been very helpful for me.  I hope it has been for you, too.