PLEASE HELP! Losing my mind w daughter!!

[jchizever]

I feel at the end of my rope. My daughter is extremely difficult and challenging. She was a High Needs baby and now at just turning 4 she is a High Needs child. I feel I have done all the things I was “supposed” to. I am a loving mommy. I had a home birth, I cloth diaper, I breastfed until she was just over 2 years old, she sleeps in our bed after 4am, I wore her as a baby, I am consistent…and yet.

She does not listen. We have moments (few and far between) during the day where it is nice but for the most part it is awful. I hate to say that but it is. I am at the point where I am really starting to not like her. It is hard to consistently be loving and fun when she is so hard. We do not have fun anymore because she barely listens to the basics of what I tell her to do (getting dressed, brushing teeth, putting on shoes) everything is a fight. I have increased her pre-school hours because I have a really hard time dealing with her.

I feel awful saying this. She is my daughter. I want to love her. I want to have fun with her. I have all these things I would love to do…and yet they don’t happen because before we get to them she is having a fit about something.

Part of the problem is that she does not play by herself – for even 10 minutes. It drives me crazy. She constantly has to be with me and needs me to play, read, do with her. I am so far behind in my house, cooking, or anything because it is near impossible to do anything with her around. And that makes me resentful too.

I do have another child; a 17 month old son who is the exact opposite of her. He is a delight, he plays by himself, he sleeps, he naps, he smiles. I feel bad because I feel I don’t give him the attention he deserves because I am always dealing with her. I also feel bad because I feel I am starting to favor him – which I know is an awful thing to do.

Please, I am reaching out to other holistically minded moms for help. I am at the end of my rope with her and just don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

Thank you!!

[GoBecGo]

Well, i have a HN DD and a mellow baby, but she's only 5months.

My DD also has a hard time listening, is very defiant/argumentative etc. (for example, i say "put on shoes please" and she ignores. By the third request i say "DD. Shoes NOW please." and she retorts VERY rudely "they're not SHOES, they're TRAINERS" as if i'm and idiot. It is VERY wearing.

BUt i kind of accept, however weird this sounds, that i didn't make her this way and i cannot "cure" her. I am working on teaching her that rudeness isn't going to work, that politeness is a choice sure, but the alternatives are fruitless. And most of all i'm looking forward to her being a sassy, confident, STRONG young woman. At least, i tell DH, i won't have to worry about her being a doormat!

I basically ask her to do something. If she won't do it even after firm requests i either do it myself or let her not do it and follow with natural consequences (i.e if you don't brush your teeth *I* will brush them, and if you don't get your coat on we will sit here silent until you do). If she's rude i stop talking mid-sentence and walk away, when she follows me i tell her "i don't let people talk rudely to me, sorry, if you can be civil we can talk". It works on two levels - 1) she is generally more polite and is learning that politeness wins cooperation more than rudeness does and 2) she's pretty stubborn and can now make a sandwich, get a drink etc. ON HER OWN because she refused to be polite and the only option left open was to do it herself.

When it comes to playing alone my DD is probably a bit better than yours, but she isn't brilliant. I offer her choices "you can play alone or help me with the laundry". If she throws a fit i quietly get on with the laundry. It's a fact of life, housework. Not MY favourite one by any stretch and i live in a far-from-perfect house, but there it is, if we want to have clean clothes, a cleanish house, eat good food etc. someone has to take care of it and i want those things and will take care of them.

One thing i decided to do (which might be irrelevant, every family is different) is not to put her into playschool/preschool/nursery. I don't plan to HS, but i decided that the first 5 years were all i got really, to get the good habits established and so on, so even though i woul LOVE a break more often from her and her 4-going-on-15 attitude, more time together is helping me get to the bottom of it and work on it, rather than us just avoiding each other in favour of other less fraught relationships. Of course getting SOME down-time is important and DD goes to XP a couple of times a week so i get that, but overall i think if she were out of the house for a few hours every day i would have NO chance of curbing some of her more unattractive habits right now.

ETA - i think one of the things i have realised is a lie is that if you "do it right" WRT parenting (i.e. homebirth, AP, BF etc.) the child will be a loving, caring angel and a joy to be around. The sad fact is some very treasured, very "well-raised" kids are little horrors and some horrifically dragged-up kids are wonderful angels. I really think that kids are who they are, and though it's great to give them a good grounding, you can't make personality changes with parenting. I tell myself, on the hardest days, that i am trying to raise an adult who has the ability to be happy in and with themselves and live a life they find joy in. That she can be a bossy so-and-so, rude, ungrateful and downright difficult is irrelevant to that long-term goal, only my short-term enjoyment of the task. I could smack, i think i'd be smacking her every day! And she'd still be her, and act how she acts.

[NiteNicole]

I think you have to let go of the idea that parenting a certain way will produce a certain kind of kid.

My daughter is also four and this is the age of play with me, play with me. She was a miserable baby and didn't sleep till she was much older but in many ways, she's easier than lots of four year olds I know.

One thing that takes the fight out of the day - I realize there are a lot of things she CAN do for herself but she still needs some pretty intense direction to stay focused. Putting on her clothes and shoes, cleaning up her toys, etc - she CAN do all those things but she still needs me to keep moving her through the steps verbally (and with clothes, sometimes I will physically help - our deal is that if I help, she wears what I choose and she doesn't fight me). It works fine. Same with getting her clothes in her hamper or putting her dishes away after dinner - she knows how, she is just not likely to think of it herself. If I remind her it works out.

I have also found that art/craft supplies are going to save us. She has a small table and two chairs that can go anywhere in the house. Mostly they stay in the living room, but if I have a long project I'm working on somewhere then it can go there as well. I can give her a bottle of glue, some pipe cleaners, and googly eyes and she will glue for hours. Markers and paper, craft pom poms, glue, and paper plates. Pretty much anything she can manipulate. At first I was very careful to collect everything when I couldn't supervise or at least check in, but she's shown herself pretty responsible and now she can get what she likes, for the most part.

Lots of outside time helps, too. Do you have a sand and water table? It has finally gotten cool here so ours is just sand right now but that was a good two hours of entertainment yesterday. It sits just outside our back door. I can either sit with her and work on something, or do stuff in the kitchen (our back doors and windows are glass, so I can see her and our yard is fenced).

She's also interested in writing letters. Giving her stuff that lets her trace or copy letters has been helpful. She loves pencil mazes as well.

Mostly, she needs to be busy and she wants me to be involved. I find if she gets about half an hour of my focused attention (sometimes less), she is WELL happy to keep doing her own thing while I do something close by.

I hope any of this helps. I thought the "play with me, play with me" was going to put me over the edge. I LOVE spending time with her but I am not good at pretend so I had to find other alternatives.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by jchizever

She constantly has to be with me and needs me to play, read, do with her. I am so far behind in my house, cooking, or anything because it is near impossible to do anything with her around. And that makes me resentful too.

Start doing what you need to do, and let her be involved with it. You need to clean the kitchen? Then give her a job to help you in the kitchen.

Part of the problem is that you are expecting her to be happy all the time and feeling like its your job to keep her happy. She's not going to be happy all the time and it isn't your job to try to make her happy.

If she is stopping you from doing what you need to do, then explain to her that she has a choice between helping, finding something nice to do on her own, or going to her room and shutting the door (if she needs to throw a tantrum or something).

I really like the book The Continuum Concept, which talks about raising to kids to be a part of our lives, rather than centering our lives around them.

[JessBB]

NM. Was going to suggest preschool but hadn't read the OP closely. Sorry

[Norasmomma]

My DD is very much like this, and yes I admit there are times when I don't really like her, I love her, but she is high needs at times. I have a 13 month old son who is in many ways like your son. My son has always STTN, he will just do stuff on his own and yet there are times when he will not let us put him down.

I think that you have to let go of some of your expectations, really extended bf-ing, wearing a baby, co-sleeping, don't make a certain type of kid. Is it nature vs. nuture? Idk, my DD was a jumping bean in the womb, Lord knows I knew I was in for it with her. She is high energy compared to other kids, not just energy-wise, but mental-wise. Even her preschool teacher was surprised by her defiant behavior, for me it's just normal. For myself a pivotal point was reading Raising Your Spirited Child, DD is a picture of a highly spirited extrovert, she really wants the world to revolve around her. Have I resented her at times, oh wholy-moly yes. I told DH once that I was really not liking her because well frankly I wasn't.

Some things that have helped in the not listening department were a reward chart, Melissa and Doug make a nice one with magnets. Also a simple cheapo timer. I ask her to do X now and with the timer it gives her a goal to get it done, yelling-not working, asking nicely-not working, timer-oh heck yeah it works wonders. See with her she has it in her personality to always "be the leader"(her words) or be the winner. Many of her things that come off as stubborn and annoying will actually be assets to her in the future. right now as a 4 year old(and actually more when she was a 2-3 year old) they were not that-at all.

For me the more we fight with her about what she can't do, the more combative she gets. So I have taken a new approach, including her with everyday tasks may sometimes make them harder, but it makes her behavior easier. for example cooking, for her b-day we bought her a Curious Chef child's plastic chef knife and a cutting board, those 2 things are the most used b-day presents because they involve her in day to day life. She is type of kid who really craves the involvement of "real" things, she is not a baby doll type of girl. Giving her a little spray bottle and a rag to "dust", a sink with soapy water to do dishes, help me measure out ingredients for baked goods, get the lettuce spun-those are the things that she enjoys doing. I've had to embrace the fact that she doesn't play much by herself, she's too much of an extrovert and needs that outside interaction to feel whole.

For us arts and crafts can be a hit or a miss, she loves to paint, but after awhile will bore of her paper, then she paints her brother or whatever else is nearby. Glue, she's not allowed to glue unsupervised, she goes glue crazy, dumping it all over. She has those Melissa and Doug plastic scissors, we let her have a pair of kids regular scissors and her Barbie got a cool punk haircut. It actually looks pretty good, but still cutting her dolls hair is really not ok.

Trust me I have been there, I really thought DD was pretty normal in the baby department, but in many ways she was rather high needs. Her sleeping was 3 hours at a time, she dropped to one nap at 8 months, she dropped all naps at 18 months, the list goes on....DS is just so different, he sleeps, he needs his boob, he wants food, will play with a toy by himself, he was mellow boy in the womb. They are just different. I've felt at times I favored him, but I really don't, I just favor some of his behaviors.

I hope this helps.

[robby99]

I have nothing to suggest. I honest to god thought that I had written your post. My eight-year old DD is extremely, extremely difficult to deal with most of the time. I feel like crying right now, it has been *that* bad of a day with her.

I also homeschool her, just started a week ago, and now I feel I have no escape from her. I feel like a horrible mother.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by JessBB

NM. Was going to suggest preschool but hadn't read the OP closely. Sorry

Yep, me too. I was going to say a good preschool might really help both of you. Oh well.

[Rose-Roget]

I have a high needs 6 year old ds - he's been that way since he was an infant. Sounds very similar to your dd in many ways.

When he was 4, I discovered "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Kurcinka. GREAT book to give me a lot of strategies. Recently, we started OT for some sensory integration issues which seem to underlie a seemingly unconnected collection of his behaviors. That has helped a ton!

I know you're against it, and I completely get that these first 5 years are all you have, but I agree that even a couple mornings a week at a structured daycare or preschool could help you both. You could recoup your sanity a bit, give some extra attention to your ds, and get some work done. She could socialize outside a bit and learn some basic following-directions skills. Just something to consider - not for full-time or every day, but it just seems like it's not promoting your relationship to with her full time if you're hitting your wit's end.

[waiting2bemommy]

I just want to add that when my 2 year old follows me around he ends up doing chores with me also. He won't be 3 til next month and he can already sort, wash and kind of fold laundry, wash dishes, sweep and dust. I mean if he can't keep himself busy, I certainly can

I defrinitely don't think it's mean. And now he is proud of himself because he knows how to do these "grown up" sorts of things. I guess if you're 2 it is exciting to do your own laundry, lol.