Making a plan. . . .

[2xand2y]

It finally seems like the stars are aligning for me to leave my emotionally abusive STBXH. A family member has agreed to let the children and I live with them for 3-6 months while I look for employment and save money. We are only moving about a mile right now. This is my hometown and I am not interested in relocating. Any advice on what to take what to leave etc- would be appreciated. We won't need much to start but I'm thinking I'll have to leave furniture and big items. Also, should I present him with a separation agreement before we officially leave, soon there after, or wait? I'm not terribly worried about keeping him from the kids at this point. He usually does pretty well with them (the youngest is 4, oldest is 10). I'm really stress and disjointed right now. I need help making a cohesive solid plan/timeline.

[JunipersMom]

I would take as much as you can - clothing for all seasons, toys, furniture - the things you'll need in any home you live at. Also make sure you get birth certificates, bank information, marriage liscense, and other important paperwork. If you are planning on filing seperation and not just going for divorce - I would think when you're moving out would be a very appropriate time to have him served.

[2xand2y]

I live in a state where you have to be legally separated (and therefore physically) for a year before you can file for divorce. I wish I could go straight for divorce. He will stay in our former home and I am OK with him having the furniture. I'll get "new" when the kids and I get our own place. for now we will have furniture at my relative's house and STBXH will still need furniture for when he has the kids.

[JunipersMom]

Well then it sounds like you already have a plan and a time line

[doubledutch]

i read your thread last night and have been thinking about it since. you do need a plan before telling him that you're leaving. in an abusive situation (even if it's "just" emotional abuse), i think it's best to leave and then tell. don't tell him you're leaving before you do it. that's like saying, "hey, will you please spend the next 12 hours freaking out on me, begging me to stay, telling me how much you love me and how much you've done for me, telling me what a piece of sh!t i am for abandoning you, and then looping back around to how you love me again? just go good-bad-good-bad until you confuse and guilt me into staying, okay?"

when you're in a draining and degrading relationship, it can be really hard to make decisions and have confidence in them, let alone following through with them. if you can take action in one way, every day, toward leaving, you will feel better and you will get there. it can be something directly related to leaving, or it can be an act of self-care so that you have the strength and determination to do what you need to do.

the first thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer, if you haven't, to find out what your rights and obligations are, and to understand if there's anything you should definitely not do. beyond that, the details of how and when to leave are really up to you, but these are some of the little daily tasks i did, which might help you put together a plan:
gather all important documents, like birth certificates, passports, mortgage, insurance, stuff like that
open individual bank accounts and start putting money aside for basic expenses (if you have more than enough money, you can also buy yourself gift cards for groceries and gas, or pre-pay certain bills)
sell wedding band (and any other personal valuables i no longer want/need) - do this before separating, because you may be barred from selling assets once you file for legal separation or divorce
get therapy
talk to trusted friends/family about my plans - this was very important practice for me to work up to having the conversation with stbx about leaving
change passwords to things he wouldn't be able to guess
get a po box if needed (unless you can start receiving mail at your new address right away, even before you move there? like for bank statements)
get mail held or forwarded
start moving a bag or a box, one at a time, over to the new place if possible; or pack them up under the guise of cleaning/organizing and move all at once, when he is not home
document all incidents of abuse, even if only for your own reference; when they are in the "oh baby i love you so much, i'll do anything to make it work" phase, it can be very difficult to remember the nasty things they have said and done

i hope that helps.

[doubledutch]

oh yeah, another good reason to talk to close friends and family (those who will NOT tell him!) about leaving, and about the reality of your marriage and all the crap they don't see that goes on behind closed doors, is to build your support network of people who know the way he treats you before you leave. once you leave, he will likely spew all kinds of bs about you - it may be totally crazy, or he may call up all your family and friends pretending to be "concerned" about your "eratic behavior" or some sh!t. so if people already understand that he is a manipulative, controlling liar, then they will be prepared for this and will know exactly what he's doing. if they don't know, then they might buy into it, which just makes things harder for you. it sounds like you are in a good position already, with family available to help out and probably old friends who know you well. i just wanted to mention it, because if you don't tell anyone until after you leave, then it can come across as typical he-said-she-said mudslinging.

[Halfasianmomma]

to everything doubledutch said. She knows what she's talking about.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

to everything doubledutch said. She knows what she's talking about.

Third that. She summed it all up beautifully, and that lady knows what she's talking about.
Good luck to you. You are making the right decision for yourself and your children. The best gift you can give to your children is to not let them witness their mother being abused.

[doubledutch]

hey, i learned it from you two!

[2xand2y]

Awww, that was sweet.

Thank you, doubledutch for the thoughts and for spelling it all out for me. That is VERY helpful.

Thank you all for the thoughts, support and affirmation. Today I worked on my resume and cover letter. My BFF worked on finding a lead on a lawyer. Tomorrow I begin gathering papers, finish my cover letter, and apply for jobs.

[Purple*Lotus]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

oh yeah, another good reason to talk to close friends and family (those who will NOT tell him!) about leaving, and about the reality of your marriage and all the crap they don't see that goes on behind closed doors, is to build your support network of people who know the way he treats you before you leave. once you leave, he will likely spew all kinds of bs about you - it may be totally crazy, or he may call up all your family and friends pretending to be "concerned" about your "eratic behavior" or some sh!t. so if people already understand that he is a manipulative, controlling liar, then they will be prepared for this and will know exactly what he's doing. if they don't know, then they might buy into it, which just makes things harder for you. it sounds like you are in a good position already, with family available to help out and probably old friends who know you well. i just wanted to mention it, because if you don't tell anyone until after you leave, then it can come across as typical he-said-she-said mudslinging.

Great advice! My STBX did that to me. No one knew he was abusive because I tried very hard to make our marriage look good to people on the outside. It backfired on me after I did leave.

[hillymum]

Instead of opening a new individual account I would actually recommend buying a combination lock box and start putting cash into it. All bank accounts can be examined and you might not want that.

[2xand2y]

Setting a date!!  I'm looking at the 29th of November or the 6th of December (both are Mondays).  The attorney from legal aid won't be back to help be start doing legal stuff until the 30th.  I've gotten no real legal advice except "If you leave the marital home, take the children."  My biggest fear is that he will show up and forcibly take one or more of my four kids.  If he got all four he would likely take them out of state.  I'm having trouble finding out if we have any protection against this since he is their father and we won't have any sort of agreement.  If, he remained calm and asked to see the kids I have no problem with letting him see them when he is off from work, overnights when he doesn't have to go to work the next day, and EOW.  I am not trying to keep them from him at all.  

I really want to be out of here so the 29th is very tempting.  Also the family member we will be living with goes on a two month trip, leaving the 5th.  I'd love to be there before they leave.  It would be much calmer for me and also nice to have another adult to reassure the kids. I'm concerned about the general lack of legal advice I've gotten so far.  

Opinions? Go sooner? Go later?  

[Witch's Titee]

Originally Posted by 2xand2y 

Setting a date!!  I'm looking at the 29th of November or the 6th of December (both are Mondays).  The attorney from legal aid won't be back to help be start doing legal stuff until the 30th.  I've gotten no real legal advice except "If you leave the marital home, take the children."  .My biggest fear is that he will show up and forcibly take one or more of my four kids.  If he got all four he would likely take them out of state  I'm having trouble finding out if we have any protection against this since he is their father and we won't have any sort of agreement.  If, he remained calm and asked to see the kids I have no problem with letting him see them when he is off from work, overnights when he doesn't have to go to work the next day, and EOW.  I am not trying to keep them from him at all.  

I advise you to sit with this for a minute....This stood out for me....Think on how much this fear is based in reality, and proceed wisely. If you really think he'd take your kids out of state, I'd be reluctant to let him take them at all, no matter how 'calm' he acts...Obviously you know this guy better than a stranger on MDC, but there seems to be an orange-flag there....

[2xand2y]

Last year at Christmas we agreed I wouldn't be traveling with them out of state for the holiday.  At the last minute he threw a fit and told the kids he wouldn't go unless we all "went as a family".  They were devastated!  Seriously, last minute like that car was packed and they needed to get on the road or the timeline would be screwed up.  I caved and went.  All trip long he pushed the boundaries I had set but I did stand firm on those. He couldn't be away from work but I wouldn't put it past him to "park" the kids with his family out of state.  

This sucks.  I asked some various family members to come stay with me the first day or two and no one is available.  Maybe Friday the 3rd is a better option.

[Witch's Titee]

Go ahead and leave. The suckiness is inherent, no matter what the details.

[doubledutch]

i tried to reply before, but mdc is being weird today.  i suggest that you prepare to leave sometime during the week of the 29th-3rd.  when you talk to legal aid on the 30th, find out what can be done about filing immediately so that you have temporary custody orders and he cannot take the kids out of state or otherwise keep them from you. 

what is the advantage of waiting until the 6th (if any)?

what else do you still need to do, in order to feel ready to go?

[2xand2y]

The benefit of going on a Monday is he will have to go to work everyday- keeping his mind busy and leaving him less time to make trouble.  I thought it would that would be better.  

I employed my "cover" story today.  Relative is going out of town and the kids and I will be sleeping at their house b/c I have been asked to care for their elderly dog who needs to go out at night.  All true, but that of course is not my only intent.  

I just gained access to the banking account that only has his name on it today.  He has 80% of his pay check depo-ed there.  He called and gave me the passwords to transfer funds from one account to the other.  A friend will make copies for me tonight.  In the past 2 weeks he has withdrawn at least $340 out in cash but has failed to pay several bills for the last 3 months.  I'm beginning to think he is using again.