when the begging begins....

[herbalshakti]

So to make a long drama filled story sort of short, I left my DP after almost 7 yrs. We have dd(almost 6) & ds (2 yrs). We have been co parenting the past almost 3 mos. I initially left because we get in terrible fights and he has gotten physically abusive multiple times and it has just progressed ovr the years(though we did regular therapy for a year+). We both have alot of issues from our childhoods and so it appeared that we we're in a constant state of perpetually triggering one another. We have always had dedication, comittment and love(except for the fact that he has abused me). Our relationship was difficult for me, beyond the abuse I never felt like I got any tlc, he has issues of abandonement and so he found it hard to connect in a loving physical way. I spent almost all my twenties with him (he's 9yrs oldr and i'm 27). Its taken him a while but he has now started begging me to come back, that he is ready to do the work and love me the way I need to be loved. In all honesty, I don't think I can try again, the last 3 mos. Have been very difficult for me, wrapping my head around being a single mom, being alone etc. I don't want to risk doing it all again. Also, i'm pessimisstic, I don't believe that people change that easily and I really feel like I can't trust him anymore, though I will always love him. Deep down I feel like I need a tender more nurturing love for myslef, even if im the one giving it to me for a while....but I feel guilty..is it wrong of me to not try again for my kids, for all that we created together?

[JunipersMom]

I think trying again would give you closure one way or another.. I think everyone gets to the point of "when have you tried enough" or "what if he changes tomorrow and I didnt wait long enough". So if you think there is even a spark of a chance that things may become workable.. might as well give it a go - or you may always wonder. Start out with a cautious mind set (maybe even keep a seperate bank account or some other stash of $$ so you can have a nest egg if you need to get out - or if everything works out you can take a nice vacation next year or something)
Divorce sucks and is super hard on everyone involved - but sometimes marriage is worse.
Best of luck momma

[la mamita]

Originally Posted by herbalshakti

So to make a long drama filled story sort of short, I left my DP after almost 7 yrs. We have dd(almost 6) & ds (2 yrs). We have been co parenting the past almost 3 mos. I initially left because we get in terrible fights and he has gotten physically abusive multiple times and it has just progressed ovr the years(though we did regular therapy for a year+). We both have alot of issues from our childhoods and so it appeared that we we're in a constant state of perpetually triggering one another. We have always had dedication, comittment and love(except for the fact that he has abused me). Our relationship was difficult for me, beyond the abuse I never felt like I got any tlc, he has issues of abandonement and so he found it hard to connect in a loving physical way. I spent almost all my twenties with him (he's 9yrs oldr and i'm 27). Its taken him a while but he has now started begging me to come back, that he is ready to do the work and love me the way I need to be loved. In all honesty, I don't think I can try again, the last 3 mos. Have been very difficult for me, wrapping my head around being a single mom, being alone etc. I don't want to risk doing it all again. Also, i'm pessimisstic, I don't believe that people change that easily and I really feel like I can't trust him anymore, though I will always love him. Deep down I feel like I need a tender more nurturing love for myslef, even if im the one giving it to me for a while....but I feel guilty..is it wrong of me to not try again for my kids, for all that we created together?

i think you answered your own question if you re-read your original post.

and no, i don't think you owe it to your kids to return to an abusive relationship. as far as risk factors, living in a home with domestic violence is a much bigger "problem" for kids than having two families/separated parents. your kids should be the reason to be most skeptical about going back--not the reason to give it another shot after only three months apart! if you aren't in therapy or hooked up with a local domestic violence resource center, definitely get yourself some support.

[bananabee]

My gut reaction right now, which totally comes from what I'm going through personally, is "Hell no!" I get even more scared when someone is begging me back and making promises to change. It seems like a very strong manipulative tool because any decent person is going to feel rotten for not giving someone else another chance. But you shouldn't do something just because you feel bad not doing it. Try to stay focused on what kind of life you want and then decide whether or not he can be a part of it. Don't get sucked back in to where your entire focus is on him again.

[Learning_Mum]

Well, from the other side, I treated DH badly. It wasn't all my fault but I definitely played my part. He left me. I was heartbroken. We have been dating for the last 11 months. He couldn't trust that I had changed but I have. He should be moving back in in a couple of weeks so it can be done.

We never had any sort of abuse however, so unless you both made moves to address that I would say don't do it.

[*MamaJen*]

It's not pessimistic, it's smart.
Abusers rarely change. In fact, I would go so far as to say they just about never change. It's totally par for the course for them to swear up and down that they will change, but that's just words designed to reel you back in.
There's only one way to protect yourself, and that's to not be there to be abused.
You are doing the right thing. It's terribly traumatic for a child to witness his father abusing his mother. By leaving your abusive partner, you're giving them the best possible gift.
Also, have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder? Without knowing a whole lot about your relationship, I think it might be a good idea if you googled it. When you describe your STBX as an abuser with abandonment issues, that's my immediate thought.

[FearThePenguin]

i have to agree with most of the others here, abusers rarely change. take some more time, some more months and see how you feel then. i just get the impression that the fear of being a single mom, which is scary i know!, is overriding your judgment. if he doesnt change, youll be risking your children being abused...not to mention even the witnessing of you being abused verbally or physically will have a lasting effect on them their entire lives. is it worth it?

[Halfasianmomma]

I agree with MamaJen, having been in an abusive relationship myself. Abusers rarely, if ever, change.

Listen to your gut. It's trying to tell you something. You may feel the societal pressure to give the marriage one last try "for the sake of the children", but in all honesty, your kids need a *safe* and *healthy* home life. The concept that kids fare better with two parents can be a dangerous and seductive idea when dealing with an abusive partner.

IMO, stay your course. You've made a brave choice for yourself and your children.

Be clear and honest with your X: you want a healthy coparenting relationship but nothing more.

[provocativa]

Originally Posted by herbalshakti

..is it wrong of me to not try again for my kids, for all that we created together?

It is wrong of you to try again with an abuser, for the sake of your kids. They did not deserve to be born into that situation.

If you have trouble saying no to him, you can tell him what I told my abusive x: if you go to three years of intensive therapy by yourself, and you let me give information to your therapist over the course of those years, and at the end of them your therapist tells me you have made real progress, then we can have dinner.

[herbalshakti]

Yea, I know that I need to stay comitted to this path of being separated. Its just so heartbreaking, I poured so much of my love into us. Women sacrifice so much for there families and I just feel sad about it like its somehow wasted, discarded..its really a sad piece for me right now. I went from attached parent to "oh my god im alone" and its easy to feel so alone, like you've somehow locked your self away. Yes for safety, security, well being and all that but its hard..creating precious babies, birthing together and then realizing that the person who you have shared your most vulnerable self to has somehow really shattered your sacredness...or at least it feels like it right now.

[Halfasianmomma]

I know it's not easy but perhaps you can try shifting your perspective around and realizing that what happened allowed you to find an inner strength and a belief in yourself that may not have been present before. I know that seeing things in this way helped me mourn the end of my marriage...without the horrible things that happened between my XH and I, I would never have realized that I AM strong, that I deserve respect, love and a true partnership, and that there's no way in hell that I'll let *anyone* abuse my daughter. It was a painful gift to receive, but it was a gift nonetheless.

*hugs* mama.

[Avani]

One textbook thing about abusers is that when you finally leave or threaten to leave they will become the nicest, most loving partners in order to gain their control over you again. They will promise to change and get help. Once you are back in their web it will start all over again. Textbook. But it's normal for women to go back to their abusers. You need to get empowered and follow through because the patterns will repeat.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by herbalshakti

Yea, I know that I need to stay comitted to this path of being separated. Its just so heartbreaking, I poured so much of my love into us. Women sacrifice so much for there families and I just feel sad about it like its somehow wasted, discarded..its really a sad piece for me right now. I went from attached parent to "oh my god im alone" and its easy to feel so alone, like you've somehow locked your self away. Yes for safety, security, well being and all that but its hard..creating precious babies, birthing together and then realizing that the person who you have shared your most vulnerable self to has somehow really shattered your sacredness...or at least it feels like it right now.

Well, it's good that you realize it's unhealthy. When you asked if it would be wrong not to try again, I completely agree with the previous poster who said it would be wrong to STAY in that situation. All the love you poured into your relationship - pour it into your kids, pour it into yourself. That man did not complete you, he hurt you. Your future happiness, and that of your children, does not depend on sanctifying the past - it depends on being realistic about the person your ex is. Your children need you to be realistic and practical so that they don't have to witness and endure the cycle of abuse over and over.

If this guy was truly serious about "doing the work", he would recognize the importance of doing that on his own time - and coming back if/when he succeeded in changing. But right now he is all talk and merely manipulating you because you're gathering the strength to leave, and he doesn't want to lose control over you. This happens all the time. The way he's been treating you is who he IS - not this temporary begging baloney to keep you under his thumb. Someone truly contrite would understand and respect your need to be on your own, and over time they would work like hell to EARN their way back, IF you let them. They would want your happiness - whether or not it meant they were part of it or not. But see - for him this isn't actually about you. Stay strong.

[single_cj]

Originally Posted by herbalshakti

...Its just so heartbreaking, I poured so much of my love into us. Women sacrifice so much for there families and I just feel sad about it like its somehow wasted, discarded..its really a sad piece for me right now. I went from attached parent to "oh my god im alone" and its easy to feel so alone, like you've somehow locked your self away...

I know, I know... I go through these feelings, too, but then I remind myself that none of the last 13 years with STBX were wasted... First & foremost, I got two of the cutest, smartest babies in the whole world out of the deal! Secondly, being with him has given me a very clear picture of what I DON'T want in my life and what I DO.



Just know that you're not alone - we all go through this at some point. I also agree with PPs who say that you DO NOT owe it to your kids to 'try again'. You OWE it to your kids to make sure they're safe, emotionally & physically. You're the one responsible for teaching your little ones what's an acceptable way for people to treat THEM. If you think you want to try again, spend some time on your own & 'date' your DH for a while.

I hope you guys can figure all this out!

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Avani

One textbook thing about abusers is that when you finally leave or threaten to leave they will become the nicest, most loving partners in order to gain their control over you again. They will promise to change and get help. Once you are back in their web it will start all over again. Textbook. But it's normal for women to go back to their abusers. You need to get empowered and follow through because the patterns will repeat.

This is really, really true.