(Exclusive) Play dates?

[mamaMAMAma]

I know it's a little different with schooled kids since they're used to being around kids their own age 6-7 hours a day. My DDs are 10 & 6. I love that my kids talk/play/interact with kids of different ages and adults too.

The last year, dd#1's best friend (and dd#1) has requested "private" play dates (i.e. dd#2 is not invited). So far, dd#1 gets her private play dates with her friend at her friend's house. When her friend comes over, I prefer them to play together. When dd#2's friends come over, dd#1 is always engaged and loves playing with dd#2's friends. When a friend comes over, they're both excited and wanted to play with the friend(s). I hate having to exclude either one of them. I understand that dd#1 is older and perhaps need some/more alone time with her friends. At the same time, it's heartbreaking to tell dd#2 that dd#1's friends only wants to play with dd#1. I don't want it to turn into some kind of tit for tat struggle. Right now, it's impossible to invite dd#2's and dd#1's friends over at the same time (scheduling conflict that might resolve itself next year). So what do you guys do?

[sapphire_chan]

I'm not clear why any private play date would need to happen at your house if the other home is more suited for it? Especially since your dd1 and her friend are okay with playing with dd2 from time to time.

Visit at your house=play with little kid, visit at friend's house=grown-up girl stuff.

If your dd1 is really really wanting her friend to herself at your house, could dd2 go to her friend's house?

[Adaline'sMama]

As the oldest of 4 sisters, I could def. understand why it would be important that DD1 had private time with her friend at her own house. In my experience, when I had to include my younger sisters while trying to make connections with my friends, I resented them and when I got a little older and it became clear that I couldnt spend time by myself with my friends at my house, I spent most of my time away from home. I loved my sisters, but there is a huge difference in a 6yo and a 10 yo as far as things they want to talk about. I know when I was 10 I had my mentrural cycle and was pretty much pubecent, so as much as I loved hanging out with my sisters at home, I didnt really want to hang out with them while my friends were over. I feel like it becomes a visit friends house=grown up girl stuff, that will foster a relationship of resentment as well as possibly make the older girl feel like she needs to go elsewhere to be herself.

[phathui5]

It's alright to tell the younger one that she needs to let the 10yo have time to play with her friend one on one. She'll be disappointed and that's okay.

There are times that I make my ten year old and his friends include my five year old ds (dd is seven and isn't really interested in playing with them), but there are also times that I tell my 5yo ds that he needs to find something to do on his own.

[greenmama]

I agree that the older kids need some "big kid" time. The way I would handle it is by me giving the younger some special mommy time while the older is with her friend. Something along the line of "why don't you and I go bake cookies for the big girls" but I would make sure big sis knows she still needs to include the younger some of the time her friend is over. To me it is not so much about dividing by age groups such as is done in school, as it is about being able to have time with a friend. I have found that I sometimes need to pull my dd back from playing with my step grand daughter and her friends to give the younger kids a chance to direct their own play.

[karemore]

Four years is a BIG age gap. I would enlist DD1's help in working out a situation that is fair to her while considering her sister's feelings.

[ambersrose]

When my oldest DD has a friend over I use that time to do something with my younger daughter. We play a game, read books together or watch a movie. If I am busy and cant spend time with the little one I put on a movie that my older daughter thinks is babyish but the younger one loves and that usually keeps her entertained while the bigger girls play.

[Justmee]

Originally Posted by phathui5

It's alright to tell the younger one that she needs to let the 10yo have time to play with her friend one on one. She'll be disappointed and that's okay.

There are times that I make my ten year old and his friends include my five year old ds (dd is seven and isn't really interested in playing with them), but there are also times that I tell my 5yo ds that he needs to find something to do on his own.

I couldn't agree with this more! My girls are really close in age (6,6,5) and we have this with friends all the time. Sometimes I try to arrange everyone have a friend, some times one or the other is dissapointed because she is left out. It happens. Ds is younger (almost 3) and I allow the girls and a friend to play separate from him if they want to. My kids are a tight sibling unit, but they also need time & space to develop other relationships.

[sapphire_chan]

:

Would getting dd2 involved be helpful at all? I'm not sure how you would do it, but make it be like she's giving dd1 space instead of dd1 taking space away.