need help

[amandaleigh37]

I never thought I'd be making this post. I haven't been here in a long time, though I used to be a regular poster. I have a DS 4yo and DS 15 mos. Lately I feel myself losing control more and more and my stress level is increasing and things are getting really bad.

I am honestly so busy I don't even have time to read the pages of threads here, I wish I did... I've been wanting to for a while because I know it used to help keep me focused, feel supported, etc. just knowing you all are here and going through the same struggles.

In short, DH and I are so busy and stressed out - we have a business we started this year that eats every minute of spare time we have (though also very necessary since it is tremendously improving our financial state which was at times very desperate). Our relationship is suffering. He also works a full-time day job and I am SAHM. I make sure to NOT do work during the day and focus on the boys, which means that I do all of my work at night. I get VERY little sleep. Both boys sleep with us, and DS2 still nurses most of the night and does NOT sleep well. I am exhausted. Last night I was so sore of nursing him so much I said I was done. Sang to him, rocked him, he would get mad and hit me, would NOT SLEEP for hours. DH finally got up and took him for a drive at 2am and I cried my eyes out. Was seriously thinking very bad thoughts. He's always slept with us but at that point I just wished I had a crib in another room to put him in and close the door. I hate myself for even thinking this. Also about how life was so much easier with just DS1. Of course I love DS2 but our life has been turned upside down since he came. DS1 was almost 3 when he was born, and since then our relationship does not seem as close... I never yelled at him until then. Now he can be so defiant, he is jealous of his brother, jealous for our time.... there are so many needs and I just feel like it's hopeless to meet them all. I feel like a terrible failure.

I have always been a huge AP believer and nursed DS1 until he weaned himself at 3 1/2 yo. I never resented him like I am now. I just am so sleep-deprived and I am not a nice person to be around. I always get depressed when cold winter hits and I am terrified for how the coming months will be for my kids - as we are also at the busiest time of year for our business. I find myself YELLING and getting mad over things I know I should not! I have grabbed DS1 by the arm and squeezed too tightly. I apologized but just thinking of hurting him makes my heart break. This is not who I am and NOT what I want. I wake up every morning and say to myself, I will do better, today will be better, then something happens - anything, and I just lose it.

I feel like I am putting out fires all day. I miss the days of one child and time to sit on the floor and play for hours, read books, etc. Now I can't do anything with one child without the other interfering and being jealous or needing my attention. The baby's books don't interest DS1, and vice versa. I just can't win. I try to set up art projects for us all to do together, and it lasts for about 5 minutes until something goes wrong or somebody gets upset or hurt and it all just feels like a big failure. Then at the end of the day, DH comes home and we eat dinner, then he does to the garage to work. He comes in and helps put the boys to bed, then it's my turn to work, sometimes until 1 or 2am. I can deal with little sleep, and I can deal with a lot of work to do, but I literally can not find 5 minutes to ever read a book or knit a few stitches in the socks I haven't touched in a month When I do take a few hours to go knit with some friends every couple of weeks, I just feel horribly guilty about it.

Not sure what I want here from posting this. I guess I just needed to vent. It probably seems like we need to give up this business and go back to how things were before, poor but happier... dont' get me wrong, we are still POOR but this is helping us get out of debt and prepare to move to a house that will fit us better (which we desperately need). It's just all...... so depressing and seems so hopeless. and I feel so stupid for feeling this way because I have two beautiful happy HEALTHY children and I should be enjoying these days and years of their lives, I know they will be over so quickly... I don't want to waste one day getting frustrated with them and regret it down the road. I just feel like I need a RESET button on myself and my emotions, but not sure how to find it. Being a SAHM to DS1, we felt so in sync and connected, it was beautiful and I never could have imagined feeling so angry at him.... but that all has changed. I don't know how we got here but it has to stop.. everything just feels so hard right now.

[Kuba'sMama]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.
Some thoughts:
Are you getting out of the house with the kids everyday? Library, community centre, playdates, bookstore? Do you guys have any part-time rec programs your older ds could participate in-- kinder sports, craft time?
Do you spend time with other moms and their kids? I need to hang out and socialize with other adults, it's a sanity-saver. Set up some playdough, big rolls of paper taped to the floor and crayons, cars and trucks and enjoy a coffee with another mom!
If you feel like you can't get out (to knit, or whatever) why not invite your friends over to your place during your little one's nap? Have older ds sit with you working on his own "project".
If you feel nursing at night is too much right now, then it's ok to cut down. Maybe he can spend at least the first half of the night in his own bed?
Do you have any family, cousins, teenage neighbours that could come and sit with your kids at any point so you can do your work a bit earlier? What if you did do some work during the little one's nap, maybe that could be "video time" for older ds' and then promise them a special "treat"- a game of cars, a walk, a favorite outing.

Hang in there, take care!

[mom2grrls]

Since you say you are not getting much sleep that can make everything else seem so much worse. If having DS2 sleep with you is disturbing then I see no problem with putting him in a crib. I'm a fan of doing what works and gets everyone the most sleep. Have you read The No Cry Sleep Solution? She gives all different kinds of helpful advice on gently night weaning or moving baby out of your bed or cutting down on night nursing. ((()))

[lovesea]

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I had similar feelings a while back. My kids are 4 and 22 months so a similar age gap. I loved being a SAHM when it was just ds and we both thrived. I wanted so much for it all to carry on the same when dd came along. But like you described whatever I tried to set up would pretty soon break down. I couldn't get dd to nap, ds wouldn't be quiet or leave us alone for 10 minutes so that I could get her to sleep or he'd make loads of noise, I'd end up mad at him and the baby. I couldn't get any housework done and it really effects my mood to be in a messy house. I couldn't cook dinner without someone wanting something or needed something or crying or spilling something. I realised I wasn't making a particularly good job of anything, making me feel like a failure. My solution was to go back to work parttime and put the kids in daycare parttime. It has transformed our lives. Things have also become easier since ds turned 4 and got over his terrible 2s and 3s. Dd is more independant and autonomous now too. I don't have to stress so much about leaving them alone in a room together or keeping toys separate.

I don't know what the solution is in your case. I think things will settle down in the next few months anyway as the kids mature. But you do have a lot on your plate. I'd definitely brainstorm ways of getting a bit of time to yourself. We have a neighbour's child come over to play with ds, it sounds like more work but the kids play together so I get time to focus on dd or do some chores while dd entertains herself. Then of course, I get to send ds to play at their house.

Sometimes we try so hard to be the perfect mother but we have our limitations. You can let yourself off the hook sometimes.

[bonamarq]

I don't think I'm going to say anything you don't already know, Mama -
but what you are doing right now is just unsustainable - you seem to be trying to work three full time jobs simultaneously and it just can't be done (full time mommy by day, by night and entrepreneur)

Only you can determine what and how to change - but AP parenting only works if you take care of yourself - as the saying going you are running on an empty well and soon will have nothing left to give. Admitting this DOES not make you a failure at AP - just the opposite.

If I were you I would find a way to get the rest you need first, and after that see what else needs changing - like a pp said - maybe a young teen or other help can to come and attend to the kids in the early afternoon will help you with the work that you need to get done? -

But seriously - being short tempered and unable to be the Mommy you want to be during the day will more negatively affect your kiddos then making the changes you may need to make in sleep arrangments - and I say this as someone who still sleeps with her 7 YO!

Good luck

[amandaleigh37]

Thanks so much for your replies.
I finally got a good night's sleep last night, just realized 2 new teeth have popped in for DS2 so that must have been the sleep problem... felt much better today. Thinking about finding an occasional babysitter....
I appreciate the support, it's nice to know there are always other moms here who can relate <3