Baby snatchers!

[PuppyPanties]

Does any one else have this issue....?

This is my first child and the first grandchild on both sides of the family, so everyones excited. What I absolutely HATE is when I go to my husbands family's home and as soon as I walk in the door, someone bee lines (usually MIL) straight to me and just takes my child out of my hands without asking (generally not even a 'hi' is immediately given to me either). I'm usually thrown off guard. I would like for them to ask if they can hold her, instead of just getting her taken immediately out of my arms - I'm also not going to tell them no. I just feel disrespected in that regards

I've been trying to figure out something I can say that doesn't sound catty about this. Has anyone dealt with this? any ideas?

[octobermom]

Its why I ussually have my LO in a sling when visiting family...

Deanna

[Lisa1970]

I had this issue, but my inlaws were very disrespectful in many other ways, like withholding my child from breastfeeding and such.

We spaced visits more. I started carrying my children in in the car seat. I would have my husband carry my child and then flat out say he is sleeping so he cannot be removed from his seat. In the case of my inlaws, we had to cut off the relationship, but there were many issues beyond the baby snatching.

Maybe attach the baby to the breast before you ring the doorbell? I don't know if you nurse or not. I wish I had better suggestions. I just know how frustrating it is.

[yukookoo]

youre the mommy, it's your baby, you decide... they want to hold a baby they can go make their own

babies imo are not toys or animals to cuddle with. They need to be respected

of course this is coming from someone w ho had a very high needs baby who would cry at even a gesture to pick her up or even by dad...

so it really would piss me off even when people would ask to hold her because i knew she would cry and i knew SHE didnt want that.

Many times i was the overprotective horrible mom who was too attached or whatever.... that actually still goes on... with being a sahm with a 3 year old who is NOT in preschool... it was her decision, we actually tried and she decided after a few weeks she would rather be home, but the pressure and questions and when are you going to let her go? when will you LET her grow up? well umm she's 3 our goal now is to give her a childhood
anyway little vent there

get used to being the "bad" guy for the sake of whats best for your dd. It's important to be confident in your decisions and know that no one has the right to comment or put your personal parenting decisions down

I just say "i dont like to pass the baby around" "she's sleeping" "she needs to nurse" "she needs a diaper change" which they may offer to do for you and then you say id prefer to do it myself thanks for the offer.... "she doesnt like to be held by others" "she's not feeling well right now she just ate" "please dont touch my baby" works too

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by octobermom

Its why I ussually have my LO in a sling when visiting family...

Deanna

I think this is an excellent idea.

When you've settled in a bit have a baby passing around time. It's their genes, too, after all. If it weren't for your parents, NONE of you would be here.

My family was very respectful but my mom would literally stand over me practically drooling (unconsciously) waiting to get her baby time in.

I don't agree that a grandparent should have to make another baby if they want to hold one. Grandparents have rights, too. They are overridden by baby's and mama's rights, but they do have rights and we ought to accommodate them, and I think the OP realizes that.

OP, I hope you can figure something out.

[Adaline'sMama]

I feel ya. My MIL comes out to the car to meet us when she hears us pull up. She gets her before I even get her out of the car seat.

[Perdita_in_Ontario]

DS spends a lot of time in a carrier when we're visiting family for just this reason. Especially as we come to germy season and in-laws who have never heard of washing hands, apparently...

[yukookoo]

well assuming they are respectful grandparents they should get to have a relationship with the grandkids of course,

BUT babies also have rights and just because they cant say "i dont want you to hold me" doesnt mean they should be passed around like objects.

The same way when my daughter doesnt want to kiss or hug her grandparents it is not forced on her.

I think as parents there is a long road ahead of having your decisions questioned and disrespected and the baby passing/ touching thing tends to be one of the first real stand up for yourself struggles, at least it was for me

it was really hard for me to tell strangers or family that my baby will nto be passed around or touched constantly or woken up etc.

[txbikegrrl]

I wish this were the case, for me snd my kids. Mil would love to hold them bt is post stroke paralyzed. My mom just is not intersted

of cours if the baby is crying that s different but when I've seen multi gen families work together it seems awesome the babies have an extra clos caregiver and the parents can actually eat otr talk to each other. We have a 3yo and 1 yo and dh and I are struggling to meet our own and each others needs after taki g care of 2 high needs kids we are exhausted and dream of just a little help like family to visit who might cook or cater a meal and entertain the kids for e en just an hour...0

[lalaland42]

OP, why don't you just (lightheartedly) say, 'hey hey let me get in the door first before you grab the baby.' chuckle chuckle.

Originally Posted by yukookoo

babies imo are not toys or animals to cuddle with. They need to be respected

Of course the babies need to have their needs respected but they are also absolutely are to be cuddled with. My baby spends most of his day and all of his night being cuddled. I don't get your point.

[HeliMom]

Originally Posted by PuppyPanties

Does any one else have this issue....?

This is my first child and the first grandchild on both sides of the family, so everyones excited. What I absolutely HATE is when I go to my husbands family's home and as soon as I walk in the door, someone bee lines (usually MIL) straight to me and just takes my child out of my hands without asking (generally not even a 'hi' is immediately given to me either). I'm usually thrown off guard. I would like for them to ask if they can hold her, instead of just getting her taken immediately out of my arms - I'm also not going to tell them no. I just feel disrespected in that regards

I've been trying to figure out something I can say that doesn't sound catty about this. Has anyone dealt with this? any ideas?

How on earth is anyone supposed to know that you don't like something if you don't speak up for yourself? Just say no not right now. Or say how you feel. Not everyone is good at reading non verbal cues. And I'm sure they are just happy to see their grandchild, sometimes that gives people tunnel vision.

So first I'd check my own issues since letting it fester inside can make you be more angry than assertive when you first say no.Then say what you need to. You're the parent so you should get to decide who can hold your baby and when until your baby can speak for themselves.

[Lauren31]

I think that if it bothers you, you should probably tell them this. Otherwise, they will never stop. Personally, I loved watching other people hold DD when I was not feeding her or whatnot when she was itty bitty. It was wonderful to share that with other people. Is there a reason why it bothers you so much?

[dakotablue]

Oh deal with this now. I wish Dh and I had when it first came up because a lot of other problems followed that could have been addressed calmly rather than the blow up we had.

Basically my MIL feels (and said so) that when she is around she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants because she is the grandmother. Including ignoring our requests put DS in danger and passing him around, oh can is allowed to be sick around him because she was sick around her kids. If we had addressed this...um cultural difference (not really cultureal, but she let her MIL and mom do this...maybe why Dh has such anxiety issues) earlier it may have been easier...may have not as well.

My POV DS is not a TOY. He is not there for their entertainment. If he needs to eat he needs to eat/ be changed/ be held by his mother. Children need to feel safe with primary caregivers, not handed over to random people they see rarely (if that's the case if G-ma is a primary caregiver as well that's different) without regard to babies current state of mind/ awareness.

[JessicaS]

I would just say "let me feed the baby before we pass her around"

They usually change the diapers when there is a baby there. They always give angry babies back to mom.

I wouldn't stop family from taking turns holding the baby, of course they want to hold her. They love my children. They don't usually ask but I also usually don't make them ask, I feed the baby and hand them over to all the waiting arms.

My youngest is two and now there is a lot of cajoling to get him to slow down for a cuddle...my family has been known to bribe him by letting him play with their iphones.

[Kuba'sMama]

I remember feeling this way with my ds, very overprotective. I think it's because he was my first, I was not very close to my il's yet and felt vulnerable, judged as a new parent, etc. So it was really more of a my issue than their behaviour.
Now, with the third, I'm glad to pass her around, lol! I feel that I'm a better parent now that I feel confident having her out of my arms and with people that are crazy about her. Both my parents, grandmother and il's are very respectful however, always hand her back when she starts to fuss and are supportive of her need to breastfeed on cue. I probably would not be so relaxed if this were not the case.
I do sometimes say to overeager extended hands; Let her look around first and get comfortable. as soon she starts smiling at you I'll let you hold her. I know my kids first have that wide, bug-eyed, "we're somewhere new" look and once the smiles come out, they're ready to socialize!

[ShwarmaQueen]

I love it when others give my babies attention and so do they! Take them!

Of course if they're not into it then I take them back but otherwise, it gives me a breather...

[SpuglyRoo]

I appreciate my "baby snatchers". I know that all the aunts, uncles, and grandparents adore my kids and have their best interest at heart. Sometimes I go visit specifically to get a little break from constantly holding my DD without consigning her to non human stimulation. I appreciate that my sisters do diapers and my brothers will pat out burps. I expect them to want to see my kids and snuggle and hold them. I think it is healthy to foster a close family connection among them. If there is something that I feel I need to intervene in, I do so matter of factly and tactfully/politely (if possible or necessary) and with my authority as the mother. I fully expect my wishes to be obeyed when it comes to my children. This is what works for me and my family/in laws. With this first child/niece/nephew/grandchild you are setting the precedent for future interactions and situations. Take control now and speak your mind. Let them know that you'd like to settle without having the baby snatched or they will keep doing so. You can't expect them to read your mind, so speak it instead.

[WifeofAnt]

I'm kind of forum crashing here since mine isn't born yet but I had that empathetic possesive anxiety feeling when I saw my SIL (who just gave birth on Thursday) post up pictures of everyone and their brother holding her new baby... including kids who almost look like babies themselves! This is her 6th so she's probably a million times more mellow than I would be but I seriously don't want anyone but myself, DH, and my (step)mom around the baby at first... and even then I'm a little nervous about my mom. Just the thought of my MIL holding my little dude gets me all shaky, especially because she's a heavy smoker. I think I might just live with him in the wrap if I have to go visit the family. They couldn't even keep their hands off my belly last time we visited.

[AislinCarys]

My DD hated being held by anyone but DH and I for most of her fist year (I can count on one hand the number of times she was held by anybody else and didn't cry her head off - and try to throw herself out of their arms). I really hated handing her over, it felt all wrong, but I'm not sure if this is just because it was so clear within a few days that she got so upset by it.

However, I had to deal with MIL, who really wanted to hold DD, and who would say "I don't mind if she cries" (Well, I do mind!). and that was hard. I understand that she wanted to cuddle her granddaughter, but I couldn't bear DD crying and me doing nothing.

And I do think even babies have a right to be respected, and not just grabbed. Even with a baby you need to earn their love, parents and caregivers I guess do this by being the ones there, all the time, meeting needs and loving. With DD, she loved watching people, and having them talk to her. Her favourite thing was to sit or stand in my lap, while her Grandma (or any other family/friends), would sit just in front of her, talking to her, singing, making faces. Maybe even let them hold her hand... And over time she opened up, but it was much quicker with the ones who came down to her level (talking to her when in my lap, later playing next to her on the floor etc.). The Granddad who just wanted to hold her and came up much to close making silly faces, well she's just now opening up a bit to him. Grandma has gotten tons and tons of cuddles since DD got old enough to grab a book and hand to Grandma for reading!

[Sharlla]

idk i have no problems with people taking the baby lol
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