Is this normal 9-10yo behavior?

[oceanbaby]

This is our first year in school - we previously homeschooled. My older son is in 4th grade - he's 9.5yo, and totally oblivious to sexuality at this point. He knows the mechanics of where babies come from, but has no romantic interest in girls and any references to it are totally over his head.

At the very first day of school, I overheard on one of the boys coming up to him and asking him he liked to have sex. Ds was totally confused, said he didn't know what aws, and the boy brought him over to the class roster and was pointing out a name to him. I asked ds later what that was all about and he shrugged his shoulders, saying he didn't know what the kid was talking about.

Friday afterschool I was helping him clean out his desk, and I found two different notes he's been passing with kids in class. They were from two different girls. The first girl had written "I want a boyfriend so bad." Ds had replied "Why?" Then she had written "Because I am lonely."

The other note, from a different girl, said "Do you want to suck her" and then it had a picture of boobs, you know, the big 'w' with the dots at the bottom. It was scratched out. I asked ds about it later, and he said he didn't understand what she was saying. He read it as "Do you want to sack her?" And he totally didn't get the boob drawing at all.

I asked him about both of these notes, and he just pretty much didn't get what they were really talking about. It didn't seem to upset him or anything, and he wasn't really curious about it, so we didn't talk too much further. He was more focused on not getting in trouble in class for passing notes.

I'm not sure what to do at this point, since I've now seen this from 3 different kids in class. And that's just what I've seen.

Do I talk to the teacher? I don't know the other parents, and ds is new the school and has enough on his mind trying to make friends without me making some big to do, especially since he really has no idea what it all means.

Am I just out of the loop? Is this normal behavior?

[Maiasaura]

In 4th grade? I don't think so. I dunno, though. I have a 9yo ds who will be 10 in January and is in 4th grade. He's in a charter school that's very hippie and environmentally focused, though I don't know what difference that would make (compared to regular public school) but I will ask him.

Our family dynamic is a little different, as we're single parent/single child. He knows a lot more about sex than many kids his age, I think. He's not remotely interested in it, though he's aware that he will be someday. He thinks the whole idea is gross. Though he's interested in the changes that come with entering puberty-- go figure!

He has a friend over right now (his best friend, a girl, who's not at all girly-girl, which is probably why they get along so well) so I don't want to ask in front of her, but I'll get back to you later with what he says.

Hugs, mama

[sunnmama]

I've not seen/heard anything like the "sex" question or the "suck" note with my dd's peers (4th grade, 10 in Feb).

I HAVE known that some girls in her class talk of "boyfriends" and wanting a boy to like her. I know that gossip of "crushes" have been rampant in her peer group for the past 2 years ("Guess who has a crush on you?" "I'm going to tell ____ that you have a crush on him!" stuff like that). Also, there are some boys whose behavior screams "he has a crush on you" (for instance, the boy who follows her group around the playground bugging them....such a grade school crush!).

But everything I've seen/heard is no more vulgar or explicit than that. No talk of holding hands, even.

You actually heard the boy asking your ds about liking sex? He asked than in earshot of adults? Seems odd to me. I'd ask the teacher about it.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

That doesn't sound typical to me. DC is 9 and in the 3rd grade and I do know the teachers and admin at the school consider 3rd graders to be "mini-teenagers". They think these kids tend to try out some teen type behavior during this year but think they drop it for a few years until the true teen stuff comes up later.

I agree with Sunnmama that crushes and things may well be typical at this age and maybe even a first go at the concept of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" but what you're describing surprises me.

I would think explicitly talking about sex, liking sex, talking about wanting a boyfriend because you're lonely and drawing pictures of women and asking if your DS wants to "suck her" are all outside the bounds of typical for that age. It's something I would talk to the teacher about for sure.

[MJB]

I think it's within the realm of normal for a 9-10 yr. old. I know I had sexual feelings at 10 and I know of children that age who have shown interest in such things. It does seem like there is too much of it happening *in the classroom* and the teacher needs to put a stop to the notes.
My ~8 yr. old son has no interest in anything like that. He's said he has no idea whether he'll like girls or boys when he is older. It's just not on his radar. My ~5 yr. old, on the other hand, has had "crushes" before and sometimes calls girls cute or pretty. I can definitely see him being more precocious than his brother when it comes to romance and sexuality.

[lauren]

I think you should talk with the teacher or guidance. Sometimes children who have been sexually abused can be preoccupied much earlier in life with sexual issues. I would suggest that 4th grade is still pre-pubescent and not normal for sexual feelings. Someone could be crying for help here and you might be the only grown up that is aware.

[oceanbaby]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

You actually heard the boy asking your ds about liking sex? He asked than in earshot of adults? Seems odd to me. I'd ask the teacher about it.

Yep, I was standing right there. I did tell the teachera about it, and said she'd keep an eye on the kid, but I guess there haven't been any more incidents that we are aware of.

I think I'll talk to the teacher. My preference would be that she talk to the individual parents anonymously, leaving my son out of it, just saying that these notes came to her attention.

This will be the third time I've had to bring a situation to her attention, and I'm starting to feel like "that" parent, but I'm really not happy with what I see going on.

[Maiasaura]

I asked ds, and he said nope. He said talk about crushes is rampant, but no talk of explicit sex or sucking or loneliness or anything like that.

I'd probably bring the notes to the teacher, too, and I'd probably copy them first. So they don't get gone as "evidence" for whatever reason.

I'm sorry you're turning out to be "that mom"-- I have been That Mom in different situations, too

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I have been "that mom" too. I just kept telling myself that they will eventually see that I'm cool and mean well.

[hillymum]

I have a 10 yr old and 11 yr old and neither of them are interested in sex. my 10 yr old is clueless and my 11yr old is just embarrased by it. Not only should the teacher be aware of whats going on, but so should the school councilor and parents.

[beanma]

That's out of the realm of normal at my dd1's (9.5) hippie private school. I haven't heard of any crushes even, but I think there is burgeoning awareness of appearance and some interest in romantic storylines. Several girls wanted to dress up as Harry Potter's girlfriend for Halloween. I think many or most of the kids know all about the birds and the bees, but just aren't interested in more than that right now.

[treeoflife3]

I was very sexually aware by that age (sooner in fact) but I don't think I was normal. I wasn't sexually abused as far as I know however so I'm not sure why I was so fascinated with sex specifically. I had other major issues in my younger childhood, but sex wasn't one of them, although maybe it just all got mixed up in my head as in the middle of the worst things, my mom got pregnant and she always answered all my questions honestly.

I CAN say there were always one or two other kids who were interested in sex at my age (as well as younger and older) but we all knew well enough not to talk to other kids about it. I think even in fourth grade I would have been shocked if someone asked me if I liked sex, especially right in front of adults. The couple other children I knew with a sexual preoccupation (and I know nothing of their history or if they were abused) always came about in much much more ambiguous ways. There was never any 'hey, so, sex!' going on. We certainly didn't pass notes.

[philomom]

My kids were not aware at that age. This does sound atypical. You may need to talk to the principal. Sometimes the school counselor can visit a classroom and talk about "things we do not talk about at school".. without singling anyone out.

[almama]

Not normal. Even kids who develop early usually have the sense that asking this type of questions is inappropriate, and can be bullying (either your son or the girl).

Our school takes even the annoying crush stuff seriously. It is not to snuff it all out, but to make the kids aware of how the other kids feel and to see if there is something up in their lives.

If the teacher is blowing it off, I would go straight to the principal.

[Tjej]

I would think that if these kids watch TV they could be very normal and write/say stuff like that (well, not normal, but culturally normalized to it).

Is it possible they are trying to tease your son because he doesn't understand what they are talking about? Writing/saying stuff like that to an innocent/naive kid just to be funny (mean) would totally have happened at my school at that age.

BTW, this would totally bother me too, but I'm not sure what a teacher would/could do about it (perhaps have the sex ed. unit earlier in the year?).

Tjej

[Heavenly]

I don't think that is normal at all. My son is in 4th grade and will be 10 in January. He wouldn't even have a clue what was meant by any of that stuff and if he got notes like that passed to him I would be in talking to the teacher so fast heads would spin!

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Tjej

I would think that if these kids watch TV they could be very normal and write/say stuff like that (well, not normal, but culturally normalized to it).

What kind of TV teaches kids that? I don't buy it. "Do you want to suck her" is not even in primetime TV. Something is going on with these kids that they are exposed (not necessarily abused, but exposed) to these kinds of things. Where are the parents?

Dd is almost 9 and wouldn't have a clue about any of this. This is NOT normal. I would be camping on the school's doorstep about something like this. Even if they were young teens, I don't think this is normal behavior... or rather appropriate behavior.

[HollyBearsMom]

NOT normal behavior! Notes of that nature would be inappropriate in highschool!

Since you have the notes that is an excellent way to have the conversation with the teacher without being "that parent". It is not rumor or hearsay since you have physical evidence. if I was the teacher (or for that matter the principle) I would want to know that this was going on.

[mattemma04]

I would be bothered about a kid asking mine if they liked having sex.

Given that I have to say I was suprised that kids age 9 were talking about bf/gf that they have.One was saying how he kissed his girlfriend.This is a mixed class ages 9-12,so I was suprised this was 9yo talking about it.

Then my ds tells me HIS classmate taked about his girlfriend and they had kissed.They are 8! I think in both cases the kids moms are friends,and maybe they encourage/think it is cute that the kids like each other.

Personally I am not to happy to deal with this stuff,but I did talk to my kids about diseases transmitted by kissing,and inappropriate touching.Same sex molestation in kids is not uncommon,and sadly there is little that will be done afterward-so prevention is a must.

[Linda on the move]

When my DD was in a public 6th grade last year, there was LOTS of talk about boyfriends and girlfriends, who likes who, etc., but none of it was sexual. It was more of thing where kids agreed they liked each other and then sat together at lunch. There was no real action -- just kids trying to end up at the skate rink at the same time (and as one of the moms who stays at the skate rink, it was all still very innocent).

This year at the alternative school, even the boyfriend/girlfriend talk is pretty much gone.

<<What kind of TV teaches kids that? I don't buy it.>> I totally agree. We are very liberal about what the kids watch and read, and they wouldn't get this from even the cable shows they watch.