Is this normal 9-10yo behavior? - Page 3

[aslyn]

Interesting. We are very open minded with our children about sex. We don't pretend people don't do it, we dont shame them for being aware of their bodies. We want them to talk to us if they ever feel the need to. Of course we arent talking about the act of sex we just don't hide it from them if that makes any sense.My kids are in the full swing of pre-pubescent hormones. My 7yr old thinks girls are hot, while my soon to be 10 yr old has no interest in boys whatsoever.

We know another family who have been very explicit with their daughters.(6 &5) While I am all about knowing the proper terms for body parts these girls are exposed to a wide variety of adult sexual language that "I feel" is inappropriate at their age levels, however they aren't my kids so my opinion is just that. One day the 6 yr old wanted to see my son's *ding ding* as he calls it, he replied to her that is "potty talk". He did tell me what happened and I spoke with the parents who thought it was rather funny. I did not, but again not my kids..the point is that kids are going to be influenced by other kids and the values that the parents instill in them are what is going to make them curious about the opposite sex. I did ask my son what he thought about it, and he said he thought she was trying to get him into trouble.

On the other hand, I remember being around 10 or 11 and my cousin who is the same age having sex with boys who were 12 or 13ish and I was completely oblivious to what the heck she was talking about..neither of us were sexually abused ftw and we were together every single weekend from birth (our moms swapped weekends for babysitting) we were just completely different people and we still are today. IMO our differences stemmed from going to different schools and being around different peers.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by velochic 

I think I'm being a little misunderstood, as well.  I'm not saying that if your child picks it up from a kid at school, it's a parent's "fault".  I'm saying that if parents *in general* all took the time to block the playboy channels, and talk to their olders about what they say in front of the youngers, watch their own language, properly manage media, etc. that the knowledge to even say such things wouldn't be there. .

But this assumes an unrealistic ideal world.  In the real world, older kids will slip things to younger kids, whether or not parent instruct them about appropriate subject matter. 

I guess what bothered me most about the op was the way the kids seemed to be discussing things so openly--as if they didn't "get" that it was a private subject.   It seems odd to me, but maybe my 9 yo experience of hearing these things in a "Top Secret!" hush-hush way wasn't totally healthy either, lol.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by sunnmama 
But this assumes an unrealistic ideal world.  In the real world, older kids will slip things to younger kids, whether or not parent instruct them about appropriate subject matter.

I guess what bothered me most about the op was the way the kids seemed to be discussing things so openly--as if they didn't "get" that it was a private subject.   It seems odd to me, but maybe my 9 yo experience of hearing these things in a "Top Secret!" hush-hush way wasn't totally healthy either, lol.

Agreed. Parents often do NOT control what their teens say, and having watched very nice parents deal with some very difficult teens, what the younger child overhears is really the least of their problems.

I also agree that the openness of what the kids were saying is odd to me, and even though I don't see any red flags that these kids are abused/neglected/etc., The conversations and the concept of privacy still needs to be dealt with.

In my role as as school volunteer, I overhead some boys giggling about body part names in the library the other day. Some of the boys were obviously well informed, but the information and names were still part of what parents who are open with the children would generally provide. However, I told them they needed to find something else to talk about. They hadn't realized I was on the other side of the bookshelf, and were MORTIFIED that I overheard.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by Maiasaura 

The words "neglected" and "negligence" may have the same root-- but they do not mean the same thing at all. I think here is where there's a huge misunderstanding.

Yes, that could be part of the misunderstanding though I do think I understand where Velochic is coming from.  Though, up until now, I never though that neglect and negligence meant do significantly different things.  Perhaps I need someone to expand on that.   Here is a definition I found on line for negligence:  Law . the failure to exercise that degree of care that, in thecircumstances, the law requires for the protection of otherpersons or those interests of other persons that may beinjuriously affected by the want of such care.  

That seems synomous with neglect to me.   

Regardless, I do think I understand where Veolchic is coming from.  If I were to guess I would assume that we know/have very different temperament of kids.  Mine has been a crazy sponge with a fairly cute lack of understanding of things.  Because of that, I can totally see each of the things that were said in that class coming from her with very little inappropriate exposure from us.  I wish I could think of some of the better examples of this kind of thing in terms of sexual things.  

A funny example unrelated to sex is that my DC has actually listened to Omnivore's Dilemma (she LOVED it!) and we have lots of natural foodie friends and etc.  She has a "whole foods exchange" at her school and understands the concept of a whole food.  Even with all of that - I just found out this year that she also thought that whole foods meant UNCUT foods and that is why she started asking to have her fruit uncut.  This was at 9.  

Perhaps another difference is in where some of us lay the "blame".  Personally, I lay the "blame" in this case with the teacher.  Though I think it's appropriate for her to speak with the individual parents after he/she becomes aware of what's going on I still feel that it is the role of the teacher to be sure that conversation about something like this remains healthy for the good of the classroom.  Because it's 3 kids involved and 4 if you include the OP's child, I think this is a matter more of the classroom dynamic encouraging this kind of confused misinformation rather than the other way around.  

Originally Posted by 4evermom 

My ds totally used the word suck with breast as a result of being breastfed.  He told me when I stopped producing milk that he still "liked to suck."  And since he doesn't have anything that protrudes as much as an adult female's nipple, he logically went to his penis as the only thing he had that could be sucked.  Completely innocent and not sexual. 

Yes, if DC were to discuss much of what she has learned and what we are open with with regards to nursing, birth, healthy intimacy and all of that it could get really interesting!  Especially because she wants to start nursing again when this new baby comes.     NOT going to happen!  

Anyway, sorry to get so many of the facts wrong and maybe even some of the language.  Part of my brain has left the building during this pregnancy.  I've enjoyed hearing all of your opinions -- both sides for sure!  It's helpful to hear what other parents are feeling/thinking about this kind of thing because I think we may be coming up on this subject in the next year or two...especially if the conversations of the middle schoolers my DC shares campus with are any indication.  

Lots of love, mamas!!  

[KandJsMama]

My daughter is 9 (10 in Feb) and in the 4th grade. She doesn't talk about boys, or liking boys, but I have seen messages from her friends (not to her) about thinking a celebrity is "hot". It just grosses Kai out. Kai knows "where babies come from" and that one day she may want to have babies and that her body will change, but she is not interested in anything other than baby dolls and art.

[almama]

Wow - the fact that these young kids are saying some intense things is one thing.  Your child may know about sex and be open to it, but does he go around saying he wants to suck people?

The kids themselves are not bad though - they are in a bad pattern of speech and action, *and* they are trying to use their words (forget what they are) for power over another kid.  That needs to be addressed, as well as the content. 

Sex does not have to be hush, hush, secret, but it should not be a dirty little slam either.  "Someone" (parents, teachers, someone!) needs to work with these kids to get them more respectful.  I think a huge issue here is how the teacher blew it off.  It sounded to me as if the OP was looking for some support and got an "its not a big deal."  That was wrong.

[SubliminalDarkness]

Yes, this all sounds to me like kids have overheard things and are repeating them without fully understanding what they're saying. The "I'm lonely" thing is SUCH a common theme in so many movies and tv shows and even books, not to mention the possibility that a child heard it from an adult or teenager they know. 

And as was said, the "suck it" isn't usually correlated with breasts, so that sounds like another form of confusion. 

And a child saying, within earshot of an adult, about liking to have sex sounds to me like a kid that doesn't grasp what he's even saying, or he would be more cautious with saying it. 

My older son is 8 1/2 and in 3rd grade and there's a girl in school who's "in love" with him. I find it really hilarious. He says he likes her, but he doesn't love her, even though she says "I love you" to him multiple times a day. *shrug* I don't see an issue. It's all silly fun. There's nothing inappropriate and I'm not worried about it. They're never alone. The closest thing they have to alone time is sitting a couple of rows away from each other on the bus. 

[Xeli]

I have a feeling that a lot of parents aren't entirely aware of what their kids are interested in at 9 and 10.  Discussing boyfriends and such is quite common in my class (Although my students know that I think they are way too young for it, and now attempt to do it out of my earshot, but as we all know, 10 year olds aren't that subtle or quiet!) and there was one incident of a sexually explicit insult made.  So sexually explicit that I, someone completely open and embracing of sex and all of the fun that comes with it, had to wikipedia the term.  I probably would have been in the same mindset as many other parents on here (e.g. thinking that one child who said it must have been abused or something) except that it was obvious that 75% of my class knew the term.  I am in my twenties, so I certainly don't think I am out of the loop, but kids are way more sexual and "in the know" about things than we think they are.  Which is why we need to give them the correct info early.

In reference to the O.P - I would also give the teacher a copy of the notes, and receive reassurance that the issue will be dealt with in a manner that works for both of you.  I don't think you would be "that parent" in this situation.  I know plenty of those parents haha, and in this situation, I would be appreciative that it had been brought to my attention from a concerned (but from the sounds of it, polite) parent.

[violet]

Whether or not it is normal for this age to have such knowledge or thoughts -- maybe -- but not appropriate language or actions for school -- definitely. I agree, copy notes and take to the teacher.

I also agree with Tjej though -- there is a note of challenge to these interactions. As if this is more about feeling your son out for his level of sophistication. I remember in 4th and 5th grade this sort of conversation going on among kids when a new kid moved in. He tried to fit in by bragging about experiences nobody else had -- it was a kind of pecking order/making friends kind of thing. And the kids didn't really know what they were talking about -- terms were used and exchanged as currency, without really knowing what they meant. I don't mean to minimize, this is totally not appropriate for school and I'm glad it's going over your son's head -- you hate to think they will get warped by hearing this stuff so out of context. But I wonder if this is showing up because the kids don't really know what they are talking about and so don't know they are being so inappropriate. Like they know it is taboo and so therefore cool or edgy, but they don't know the weight of the stuff they are dealing with.