how to talk to the kids about their father possibly doing jail time

[muldey]

Exh hasn't paid cs in over 2 years.He's been given chance after chance,and at the last court date I said no more.He's an alcoholic who puts drinking over everything else,I've posted before about him stealing from me.He was supposed to be hired at Target but failed the drug test.Now I think he's given up,and that means he'll be doing some jail time.The judge sentenced him to the ACI at the last court date,but suspended it so he could have time(3months) to find a job.The court date is for Dec 9th,right before Christmas.How do I explain this to the kids(12 and 9)?Ds,9yo,is autistic so that makes it even harder.I'm just so sad about this.Exh knew what he had to do,but refused to do it.I don't know,maybe I'm wrong and he'll find a job before then,but I doubt it.Are there any books or anything like that?I'd like to get them both into therapy,I'm going to try to get that rolling now.Any info or advice would be appriciated.Thanks.

[Teensy]

My niece, age 6, was given the explanation that her mother (the bio mom, she has been adopted by and lives with my MIL) was going to jail because she had made some bad choices and the judge had sent her there kind of like a time out for adults and that we hope she will learn from this and make better choices in the future (SIL's crime was theft from a convenience store, compounded by failing to appear at her trial date, and a record of other crimes).

I would not tell the children he is going to jail for not paying child support - he is going to jail because he disobeyed the judge's orders. Maybe tell the children you aren't sure what the judge had told him to do exactly, but you know that the judge ordered him to comply with certain things and he didn't do what he was supposed to do.

Good luck. sigh. It really stinks.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Teensy

My niece, age 6, was given the explanation that her mother (the bio mom, she has been adopted by and lives with my MIL) was going to jail because she had made some bad choices and the judge had sent her there kind of like a time out for adults and that we hope she will learn from this and make better choices in the future (SIL's crime was theft from a convenience store, compounded by failing to appear at her trial date, and a record of other crimes).

I would not tell the children he is going to jail for not paying child support - he is going to jail because he disobeyed the judge's orders. Maybe tell the children you aren't sure what the judge had told him to do exactly, but you know that the judge ordered him to comply with certain things and he didn't do what he was supposed to do.

Good luck. sigh. It really stinks.

I agree with not telling the children he is going to jail for not paying cs. I could see them getting upset because *they* made him go to jail (if they weren't born he wouldn't be in jail). I wouldn't even go down that road.

A family member of mine has 2 young children (ages 4 and 8). Their dad (the mom's ex husband) is in prison for a year (for embezzling). She explained to the 8 year old that her dad had made some bad choices and took something from somebody else. She explained to the 8 year old that when an adult does something they know is wrong they have to go to prison/jail, kinda like a time-out for adults. The 4 year old got a watered down version (daddy did something wrong so he had to go to prison). But the mom absolutely did not tell them "remember all those gifts daddy bought you and all those fun trips he took you on? He was stealing money from other people in order to buy you those things". That does nobody any good

If your ex does end up in jail, find out about writing letters/emails. The kids I mentioned above can write their dad letters and emails and the dad can call them sometimes (but the dad has to work to earn money because he has to pay for every email he sends/receives as well as letters and phone calls). He ended up being moved to a prison a long ways away from home so they have only been able to visit him once since he went away (in June of this year, I think).

In your case I would first find out how long he will be in jail. How often does he see the kids? Is it possible the kids won't be affected by it if he doesn't see them often anyway? I would just explain to the kids that "daddy didn't do what the Judge told him to. When somebody doesn't do what a Judge tells them to then sometimes they have to go to jail. You will still be able to (email/call/see/write letters) to daddy when he's in jail. Daddy will be able to get out of jail around (spring/summer/whatever depending on what the sentence is)".

[philomom]

A friend of mine is going through the same thing in Pa. Her ex won't work because the wages get garnished and then he has only made one child support payment in three. So, he's been ordered to appear in court next week. He'll get an additional fine or jail time.

I think I would stick to the "disobeying the judges orders" thing. No need for the kids to feel any worse.

[muldey]

Thank you.I totally agree on not telling them about the cs.They're going to feel bad enough,exh is here almost everyday to see them.The ACI isn't too far away,so I can bring them on visits,but it's going to be hard.This whole situation just stinks.I wish he would just do what he is supposed to.He even had the opportunity to go into rehab and he won't.He's trying to make me feel like this is my fault,since I won't drop the cs.I can't even if I wanted to.Ds is on SSI,and both get state medical.