My 3yo is locked in his room right now. Help!

[sharr610]

I didn't know what else to do. I had to step away. Please help!

My DS is really a sweet good boy, but man, he's a handful too sometimes. He really plays the power struggles with DH and I and we do all we can to try not to engage. DH was out of town this past week, we are all still catching up on sleep, but honestly...its like he takes advantage of every moment our family is not in top form to 1. keep his 4mo sister from sleeping 2. Destroying something in the house 3. Not listening.

I recently read "Sleepless in America" and realized that my DS who hadn't napped since about 20 months, desperately needed some sleep. So we turned off the TV (my crutch since having the new baby) and reintroduced a more solid routine and quiet time. We've been doing this for about 6 weeks now. Quiet time, at first, involved changing everyone's diapers, dimming the lights in his room, reading a book and then turning off the lights to rest. After a few days of him trying to climb over me to annoy his sleeping sister, I started gently restraining him with my legs. He then, once his body was stopped, would fall asleep in just a couple of minutes.

So I was restraining him and that was working and finally last week, he actually started rolling over after the story and falling asleep on his own! I was so happy!

But the past 2 days have been a joke. Today, his sister was exhausted (honestly, HOW do the second children have any chance at good sleep?!) and I was trying to nurse her down after the story(that didn't really happen as he kept pulling the book away from me) and he started climbing all over us. I didn't want to restrain him again, it just doesn't feel right. So I said calmly, "Your sister and I really need some quiet time, so I'll give you 2 minutes to settle down and if you can't, we will need to go in the other room to get it). Well, he obviously didn't settle and I couldn't keep him in his room and I'm really angry, so he's locked in there. Baby is sleeping and I'm just shaking my head.

Help me! I am normally a super chill mom. As I said, he is a great kid, but I can't get him to listen to me for the life of me lately.

[EdnaMarie]

Mama, my kids have a similar age spread. It is so hard to balance your protective feelings for that second child with the needs of the first. Not to mention your own need to sleep!!!

Are you all still co-sleeping?

For me, the ONLY thing that worked was stopping co-sleeping, which had never really been a whole lot of fun for us anyway, but it was not until I had DD2 that I felt I was really in the right asking DD1 to sleep in her own bed, far from DD2.

I have to lock myself in time-outs because DD1 doesn't stay there... and like you, as fun as it sounds to spend the better part of three or four months putting her back in time out, I really can't do that as a parent... so I completely understand. I have locked her in her room when I *had* to protect DD2 and did not have locks on the kitchen and it was awful.

[sharr610]

Thanks so much for the empathy!

DS sleeps in his own bed at night. He does sometimes come in our room at night, but we had to kick him to the floor of our room as it just didn't work waking in the middle of the night seeing him about to lie on top of her for a hug.

This is simply nap times. I try getting her down first, but it never works. She wakes right back up, so I have to take her to DS's room to put him down. Whenever she goes down for a nap(I try just wearing her all day, but that has other limitations and its not always restful for her), he, without fail, comes in just as I ALMOST have her asleep and makes a loud train or fire truck noise. I find myself yelling and losing it more often than I'd like.

He doesn't ever lash out at her. He never hurts her on purpose(sometimes doesn't see where she is and accidentally bumps her), I feel lucky in that regard. He really seems to love her and she loves him too, but EVERYONE in our house needs more rest.

Sigh...

[EdnaMarie]

Ugh. We had a similar situation. To be honest I was getting so little sleep then (and am, now, though it's because of a bad tooth) that I don't remember what I did. I think it was bribes for DD1 to stay in bed. Bribes, threats, anything went, basically. I did not use TV because that did not hold her attention, but I wouldn't be above it if it would work.

DD2 never did get enough sleep, though. I am sad about it and I don't know what I could have done. Wear her more, yes, but she was a light sleeper. I hope others have better solutions.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hum...

So you started seeing progress when you were restraining him so that he would fall asleep? How did that look? Was it like he needed his legs held tightly in order to relax enough to sleep? Or did he cry when you held him -- like he needed to belt out a good cry in order to fall asleep?

If it was the latter, I'm thinking the may be pushing your buttons in order to trigger a reaction, and therefore a big cry, so that he could get the release he needs/has been using to help himself fall asleep. There's one thought.

My other though would be to do your down time and then take the baby in the other room. Lock that door if necessary.

I might "reward" him giving you the time you need to get the baby to nap (and during that time him resting) by doing something special with him after you get the baby down.

I might also remind him that he is welcome to come in the room with you and the baby if he can be quite and rest.

I don't know...sounds hard, mama!! I hope you and your kids get some rest!

[sharr610]

I did start seeing progress when I was holding him down. He never fussed much, I think it was that he needed to be held tightly to fall asleep. On the couple of days that my DH has been able to help, its just DS and I in there and I hold him completely as he falls asleep.

I've thought about locking our door, but I honestly feel more comfortable with him locked in his room instead of free to roam the rest of the house when he's probably frustrated and likely to destroy something.

I always remind him that our room is a quiet room and he's always welcome to come in as long as he's quiet and calm. Doesn't matter. Its like I'm talking to brick wall. I also try to tell him, when I'm trying to get babe down and its not his nap time, that the quicker I can get her down, the more time he and I have to play and try to follow through with that. Again, no connection there.

Ugh...I started play wrestling with him yesterday. Maybe that will help things along for both of us to work out some frustrations.

[EdnaMarie]

Its like I'm talking to brick wall.

I know how that feels. They just... don't get it. But MOM'S IN THERE AND I NEEEEEEED TO DO THIIIISSSSS WITH HER is pretty much all that registers.

I honestly feel more comfortable with him locked in his room instead of free to roam the rest of the house when he's probably frustrated and likely to destroy something.

Me too but it's illegal here to lock a child in a room (not in Germany, but in the military on post, it's child abuse... yes apparently you are supposed to spend your entire life putting them back in time out and stimulating them).

That sounds wrong. My daughter gets riled up when I'm reacting to her and talking to her. When she needs to calm down to function, I need to walk away for a short time.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by sharr610

I always remind him that our room is a quiet room and he's always welcome to come in as long as he's quiet and calm. Doesn't matter. Its like I'm talking to brick wall. I also try to tell him, when I'm trying to get babe down and its not his nap time, that the quicker I can get her down, the more time he and I have to play and try to follow through with that. Again, no connection there.

My instinct (as a rested mom of a 9 year old) is that there is a connection going on. He probably has major impulse control because of his age (and maybe more just because of who he is) but that with your constant reminders he will eventually get it. I'm not saying it'll be before you lose you mind...but I do think he will get it.

If it were me (and if I could handle it) I would repeatedly let him into the room with you and the baby and kindly walk him out every time he's disruptive. Repeat.

What I remember vividly when DC was your son's age was this idea of mama being "potentially available". So long as DC knew I was there for her she was far more independent than, say, when I was on the phone or something.

Re: the lock. I would not be comfortable locking a child in their room. Though, you're right that I've never had to deal with a sleep deprived child and a new baby...it's still something that I would work to find a different solution for. I have no idea of the legality of it but I worry that it will create some negative associations with his space (and sleep space no less when you're already struggling), some control issues maybe and maybe even some long term associations with being "locked in his room". There is also a potential safety issue (how is the door locked?).

Re: other options...I would consider a reward chart, bribery and even TV or books on tape if you're feeling really desperate. In general, I think using these things is a bad crutch to get into if there are other more productive ways of getting things done but I also get that sometimes we can't do it all and need a patch to get us through.

Re: the sleep. I was hoping that your DC was like my DC when it came to sleep (she went through a stage of needing to cry as a release before falling asleep. Can you try to isolate what it is about being held tightly that was working for your DS?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by sharr610

So we turned off the TV (my crutch since having the new baby) and reintroduced a more solid routine and quiet time. We've been doing this for about 6 weeks now. Quiet time, at first, involved changing everyone's diapers, dimming the lights in his room, reading a book and then turning off the lights to rest. After a few days of him trying to climb over me to annoy his sleeping sister, I started gently restraining him with my legs. He then, once his body was stopped, would fall asleep in just a couple of minutes.

So I was restraining him and that was working and finally last week, he actually started rolling over after the story and falling asleep on his own! I was so happy!

I just wanted to quote you to remind you that the things you're doing are working!!

[Xerxella]

Well, I'll throw it out there, but probably get flamed. When everyone needed to nap, I wasn't above putting everyone in the car and driving around.

[justKate]

OP, some kids NEED pressure on their bodies to relax. It's sensory imput, and some kids need it more than others. I'm not sure how it would be for a 3 year old, but my DD needed FIRM pressure on her body to sleep for the first 18 months of her life. If you're not hurting him, and it works, I don't think you're doing anything bad.

Is there a quiet activity that he could do while putting the baby down? Maybe *gasp* a DVD, or a special book/project?

I hope it gets better soon.

[D_McG]

I had to do similar things with my son and honestly we were all better for it. He had to learn how to settle down without me and to learn that I meant what I said. I just couldn't have him routinely disturbing DD. I would give him a couple of minutes and then go get him and ask him if he was ready to join us.

[Shami]

Originally Posted by D_McG

I had to do similar things with my son and honestly we were all better for it. He had to learn how to settle down without me and to learn that I meant what I said. I just couldn't have him routinely disturbing DD. I would give him a couple of minutes and then go get him and ask him if he was ready to join us.

Can you elaborate more? How did he learn that? I am thinking that I need to do something eventually with dd to teach her how to settle down, stay in HER bed and fall asleep without me in the bed with her.

I don't have another child so I have not been forced to do this yet. However, I think it is time for her to learn this and I don't know how to do it without potentially causing too much anxiety for her.

[Spring Lily]

Didn't read all the replies, so sorry if I'm repeating here.

I had a heck of a time with naps, I had twins when my oldest was 2 1/2. At age 3 she stopped napping, but I still had to get the babies to sleep. Quiet time alone in her room was a disaster, leading to temper tantrums and screaming and generally not allowing anyone to rest or relax!

What I ended up doing was having her come in my room with me. I let her pick out a lovey or two and a stack of books. I didn't read them, I just let her look at them. She still needed that physical closeness and was understandably jealous that she'd be expected to stay alone in her room while I cuddled the babies.

So I'd nurse the babies and read or whatever, and she would lie next to me and read each book. It was a great habit, actually, because it was teaching her how to calm herself and read herself to sleep. Some days she stayed awake, and I'd let her go get more books if she wanted, but she knew to have the privilege of staying with me & the babies, she has to be quiet. Some days she'd set the books down, roll over and fall asleep.

We've continued that until this day, 2 years later! And at night if I have to put the kids all down by myself, I can read her 1 story and then leave her to read herself to sleep the same way, while I go put the babies down.

Sorry this is so long, but I thought the idea might help!

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by Shami

Can you elaborate more? How did he learn that? I am thinking that I need to do something eventually with dd to teach her how to settle down, stay in HER bed and fall asleep without me in the bed with her.

At nighttime we got him used to that by leaving him in increments. We'd tell him we'd be back in 5 minutes and that he had to stay in his bed for 5 minutes so that we'd come back in that timeframe (like, if he came to find us we'd have to wait another 5 minutes). We didn't literally time it. It was just the concept.

Now he's 4 and we still do it except in half hour increments. He sometimes gets it into his head that he can't sleep and keeps coming out of the room. But we know if he just made himself lie there he'd fall asleep. So we encourage that.

It works great and now with both of them (4 and 2) we can read, tuck them in and typically not hear from them until the next morning (well, DD is still in bed with me).

[madskye]

Have you let him out yet?

Just kidding.

DD gave up her nap at 3 and I'm sorry to say we never got it back. She just started kindergarten this year, but from 3-5 I tried for "quiet time" in the afternoon. She didn't have to go to sleep, but she did have to relax on the couch or her bed for 45 minutes. She could have books or a doll, but she needed to stay on the couch with a light blanket. It wasn't magical, but it did work sometimes. And when she was really, really tired or in the process of getting sick, she would fall asleep. (Very rarely)

[sharr610]

Thanks everyone for the great info and for letting me know I'm not the only one!  And you are right, the things I'm doing are working, I think we just had a minor set back while dad was out of town .  Whew.  Finally got another nap yesterday.  Sigh.of.relief.

[EdnaMarie]

I am so glad you got a nap!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by sharr610 

Thanks everyone for the great info and for letting me know I'm not the only one!  And you are right, the things I'm doing are working, I think we just had a minor set back while dad was out of town .  Whew.  Finally got another nap yesterday.  Sigh.of.relief.

Great to hear!!  A set back is so discouraging when you've worked really hard for as long as you had.  I'm glad things are getting better again.  Hugs!!