Need help figuring out how to leave

[Guestmama123]

Hi, I'm possibly/probably going to leave my husband in the next 6 months or so. I can't leave immediately because I have no money saved and I need to be strategic because the kids NEED me to have full physical custody.

Here are the issues I'm working with when trying to figure out how to make a plan. Perhaps you can help me out so I can do this as well as possible.

1) we're broke. We barely make enough to get by, in fact I think we operate on a slight deficit.

2) My H (can't write a D right now) isn't always nice to the kids. He can be super loving and affectionate, but also yell, belittle and literally push them around. They've never been injured, but he has done things that have been physically painful (pushed and knocked over, for example). He does not take responsibility for this, saying they were being annoying, it's not his fault they fell when he pushed, etc.. Our kids are both under 4. This is partially why I want to go, and why I want full physical custody.

4) H and I tag team parent and if I take on any more work, he will be with the kids more than 50% of the time. We live in a state that tends to award physical custody to the parent who already does the majority of the child care so I have to keep my share of child care above 50%. I don't know how to save money under these circumstances.

5) My H is borderline famous. Not a celebrity, but very well-known in certain circles. Not going into details , but what he is well-known for is completely contrary to how he treats the kids when he is stressed. Even our mutual friends think he is a wonderful father. He's very charming, I'm socially awkward. I worry that if I mention how he treats them I won't be believed, be seen as trying to take his kids away from him unjustly, which will be used against me in court if it comes to a custody battle.

I have all sorts of questions... if I take the kids and go while he is still saying he wants to work things out would that work against me? (NOT A CHANCE I'd leave the kids.)

If there's no documentation (aside from my own notes) about any physical interactions, and my kids are too young to remember/describe accurately how can I be believed?

What liability do I have for witnessing things that have already happened (such as pushing and the child falling over)? There have been no injuries, not even a scratch or bruise. Would this work against me that I saw it but didn't tell anyone at the time (though I certainly talked to H about it afterward)?

How can I save money when we're broke?

[Thyme Mama]

i'm so sorry you are dealing with such a complicated situation.

[hillymum]

You can get an EPO (Emergancy protective Order) based on what you are saying. Next time your husband starts pushing the children around call the police and make a formal complaint. i wish I had done the same for when my sbx did things to the children I knew was wrong. It will mean your husband will know whats going on, but if you really need to keep him from the children then thats what you need to do.

Once you are seperated and have an attorney then you can get an order that no corporal punishement is allowed. Thats what I've done to help protect my children.

Oh, and find out if it's legal to record your spouse without his knowledge! recording these incidents would be very helpful to your case.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Guestmama123

if I take the kids and go while he is still saying he wants to work things out would that work against me? (NOT A CHANCE I'd leave the kids.)

Honey...this is America in the 21st Century. You're allowed to leave your husband, even if he doesn't want to let you go. And controlling guys don't usually want to let you go. Nobody in the free world is under any kind of legal, ethical or moral obligation to stay with their spouse in this kind of situation.
If he does anything physical to the children again, I agree that you should call the police. In the meantime, I think you should find an attorney that does free consultations and sit down for a talk.
As far as the 50-50 child care goes, the judge is going to look at things like who takes the kids to doctor's visits, goes to parent teacher conferences, helps with homework, and does the actual parenting, not just who's physically there half the time. So document that.

[Guestmama123]

Originally Posted by Thyme Mama

i'm so sorry you are dealing with such a complicated situation.

Thanks for the support and kind words.

Originally Posted by hillymum

Oh, and find out if it's legal to record your spouse without his knowledge! recording these incidents would be very helpful to your case.

Does this vary from state to state? How do I find this out?

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

Honey...this is America in the 21st Century. You're allowed to leave your husband, even if he doesn't want to let you go. And controlling guys don't usually want to let you go. Nobody in the free world is under any kind of legal, ethical or moral obligation to stay with their spouse in this kind of situation.
If he does anything physical to the children again, I agree that you should call the police. In the meantime, I think you should find an attorney that does free consultations and sit down for a talk.
As far as the 50-50 child care goes, the judge is going to look at things like who takes the kids to doctor's visits, goes to parent teacher conferences, helps with homework, and does the actual parenting, not just who's physically there half the time. So document that.

Oh I know I can leave! My concern is due to custody issues. Would it look bad if I separated the kids from their father, who despite having temper issues is very involved in their lives? I can't even begin to describe the difference in reality and public perception here!

[Mackenzie]

Honey, that was my mom through and through including the incredibly well known in certain circles and being a completely different person within them. I can't give you much advice because she never got out until it was too late. By too late, I mean that she had "lost" my brother (he was the youngest. I lived ft with my dad and my sister never had any delusions about her father) in that my stepdad had turned my brother against my mom. Now, 10 years later and he still won't speak to her. It is a combination of things but a big part of it is that he feels she failed him. Please do whatever it takes to protect your babes. I wish I could tell you how, but I am sure some mamas wiser in that area than I can speak to that.

[Halfasianmomma]

IMO, you need to start documenting EVERYTHING, point form, with time and dates. You also need to include whatever past events occurred and include times/dates if you remember them. This will begin to paint the real picture of who your H is.

Take this journal when you go meet lawyers (I did say "lawyers" since I think you need to meet with a few to get a clear picture of your situation). I know things are tight right now, but if there's a time where you can go meet with a lawyer, or have a consultation over the phone, it would go a long way towards giving you the information you need. I also didn't have any "proof" of my XH's tantrums, but I still had them included in my sworn affidavit, which was presented in court during my custody proceedings. Those went a long way towards convincing the judge that XH shouldn't have custody.

[single_cj]

Are we married to the same man???



That's exactly how my STBX was; always on his "best behaviour" when in public or when people were over but then very temperamental when it was "just" us. My final straw was a combination of him calling our 12 month old "stupid" and then throwing & breaking a special brush that our DD had picked out with my mother (who lived 1000+ miles away) because she was complaining that he was hurting her while he was brushing her hair. And, like your H, these instances were always the kids' fault for being irritating, not his fault for being unable to control his temper.

Do you have any family that you can go to, at least temporarily? I ended up moving in with my parents a few months ago & will stay until I can get our own place. DH is, thankfully, being very good about it, but it's hard on all of us.

I agree with the idea of documenting... if nothing else, write down what happens, when, so you don't forget anything.

Best wishes!!

[Guestmama123]

Originally Posted by single_cj

Are we married to the same man???

You know, I kind of hope so, because then I'd have clear grounds for divorce and custody would go in my favor. But I'm sorry you went through all that. How is custody working out for you?

[PoppyMama]

From what you're describing I'm a little concerned for your custody situation. It sounds like your husband will have more access to funds for better legal representation and will have plenty of people who will testify that you are mistaken about his personality and behavior. FROM A SECURE COMPUTER look up whether or not you can record your husband without his knowledge and if one party taping is legal you need to start documenting the behavior that does not jive with his public persona. If he tends to be more physical maybe you can get ahold of one of those nannycam things.

**dug around and found this

Is It Legal To Use A Hidden Camera?
It is indeed legal in all 50 states to use a hidden camera. However, it is illegal to record speech without a person's consent in the following 15 states: California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Oregon, Pennyslvania, and Washington.

Any chance you could get your h to admit to pushing the kids (maybe to a marriage counselor) because they were being annoying. Even if he says it's because they were being annoying and it's not his fault they fell I don't think this will fly in anyone else's mind but his. Do you think he would lie to your face and deny it ever happened?

[Guestmama123]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

From what you're describing I'm a little concerned for your custody situation. It sounds like your husband will have more access to funds for better legal representation and will have plenty of people who will testify that you are mistaken about his personality and behavior. ...

Even if he says it's because they were being annoying and it's not his fault they fell I don't think this will fly in anyone else's mind but his. Do you think he would lie to your face and deny it ever happened?

If it came to this, I actually think I'd have more access to funds than he would. My potential earning capacity is higher, just base don the fields we're in. And I don't think he'd lie about anything, just minimize.

But maybe I need a different tactic than trying to prove him unfit for physical custody. Maybe I would be more successful proving myself very fit, in as neutral terms as possible. I'm always around, he travels; I do all the housework, laundry, drs appts, school stuff, paperwork, phone calls, etc... So instead of getting people to see the reality of him, I can try making myself look as good as possible. Make sense? Any ideas about how else to promote myself?