Temper Tantrums in almost 4 yr old

[TonyaW]

So my son is almost 4 and having serious temper tantrums. I want to gently discipline, I don't spank or anything but will use time out sometimes. Simply because I don't know what to do. I have been taking away privileges as well.

For instance today we were at Lowe's and my son wanted to get one of those car carts. They didn't have one in the entrance or one that we could easily find. We were stopping in for a quick trip and my son said he spotted one elsewhere but I told him we weren't going to go get it today. He had a total and complete mental break down. He started crying and screaming. He thought I didn't understand that he had seen one, but I did and tried to tell him we weren't getting one today and that I did understand. So he melted down to the extreme. He screamed and yelled and tried to get away from me. I carried him out of the store kicking and screaming and had to put him down by my car to dig out my keys and he kept trying to run away, thank God he didn't run into the parking lot. When I finally got in the car, he completely went insane. I mean screaming at the top of his lungs. I was scared someone was going to think I was trying to kid nap him or something. I told him that we were not going back in the store because of his behavior and told him that we wouldn't be going shopping anymore together because of this kind of behavior. I literally could not put him in his car seat for 10 minutes. Today was the worst. But in general he starts crying and having a tantrum lately when he doesn't get what he wants. He will scream if I say we cannot do what he wants or get what he wants. For instance yesterday we were at a bounce house. I told him we were done and needed to leave. I gave him ample time and warning. He still had a melt down when it was time to leave. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I have resorted to using coercion and saying he will use privileges.

My husband isn't a good example as he has a personality disorder and has temper tantrums himself. I am sure this is having an impact on my son.

These tantrums are too much and require that I have to physically control him. It is horrible. He is a really good boy and generally sweet and polite. These tantrums have started in the last month. We practice AP parenting and he still cosleeps. The only difference I guess is that he has stopped napping. However nap time has become a complete disaster too. He did get a nap in today, but still had a tantrum after his nap when I tried to get him to do something he had to do which he didn't want to.

[Kristin0105]

I think 4 can be really challenging because children are still dealing with learning how to accept no. They may want to do things that we just can't let them do. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I might try talking to your ds when he is not upset. Talk about how he was feeling at the store and perhaps give him some examples of how to handle disappointment. Taking a deep breath, counting to 5, just saying okay. Something like that might help him begin to understand he does have control over his actions.  

[The4OfUs]

Agreed.

My daughter has had bigger, more frequent tantrums in the past 6 months since she turned 4 than she did in the 4 years before that.  She is louder, stronger, more capable, and more opinionated now, so look out.      Seriously though, it's within the range of normal still for this age, IMO.  Aggravating and sometimes embarrassing, but still in the range of normal for a 4 yo.  I'd say about 75% of the time she's fine when she doesn't get her way (or just a minimal pout), and then the other 25% of the time hoo boy does she let it rip.  We've left stores, family visits, and restaurants more in the past 6 months (I'd say 3-4 times) than we had in the years before that (maybe 1-2 times)...setting up boundaries about not being able to stay places, and not going back to places for a while is totally reasonable IMO.   I like open ended things like, "wow, this is stressful today.  we'll try again some other time."   or "We won't be able to come back here for a while if you can't stay calm" - giving chances for redos is also a good thing here.   Talking in calm moments about what to do when you're mad that something didn't go your way also helps, lay out several options and then you can remind them if you see a blowout pending.

For preventative measures, I usually try to prep as much as possible when we go somewhere...when we're still in teh car on the way there, just as we're arriving, we usually "huddle up" and I tell them what the trip is for (business or pleasure), how long we'll be there, what will be happening, what WON'T be happening (special carts, no treats, etc.), what's coming after where we are, and then lay expectations of behavior (usually ending with, "When it's time to go, it's time to go", which they chime in with me at this point they're so used ot hearing it.  lol ).  Sounds like a lot, but it's like one minute of time, helps to transition, and usually well worth it.  Then when we get back to the car on to our next place, we "debrief" and say what our next destination is.  I find most of our disasters occur when I don't lay out expectations for them ahead of time, because then it's like a free for all.