Moving houses with 13 year old dd

[Sneezykids]

Dh and I have been seeking to simplify our lives and over the last few years have talked about moving. We want a smaller home in a more rural area with more land so we can have more animals (to raise for food). We like the idea of sustainable living and doing for yourself and have made some efforts to get the ball rolling...we've contacted our lender and such, looked at a few houses, got an idea of what to do with this one.

But, dd is 13 and is adamant about moving! I understand this, I moved quite a lot as a child. But, I know 13 is a tough age and she'd be starting high school in a new school district (she used to homeschool and is only in her second year back in school...however...she says she doesn't want to HS again, even if we move).

Any advice on how I can ease this transistion for her? It's really HARD. If the topic even comes up, she ends up in tears OTOH, we're looking at getting a horse or two for our family and the only way we could do this is to move. We've looked in our area but there is not much out there...it's also a pricey area, high taxes too...even with the idea of getting horses (and her beloved cows) she still isn't open to it at all. At times I see that she might be, or at least has accepted it, but then, that window shuts and she just says she doesn't want to move! She wants to stay her all her life! And, that is just not going to happen. We've thought about waiting until she is out of high school but that is 5 years away. But, for finanical reasons we really need to move before then.

Sorry this got so long! Thanks for reading.

[spring978]

You can validate her feeling but dont let her frustration at the moment keep you from moving, if she wasnt mad about this she would be mad about something else at this age.

I really let my then 15 year olds opinion weigh on moving he was in his first year of high school after homeschooling. We didnt move A year later he wanted to switch schools and still has days he thinks we make him miserable regardless of what we do.

[jrabbit]

We're doing something similar, and I worry that the kids will be really upset when the time comes. BUT, we talk about it, and I encourage them to express their emotions, which for the most part are positive. I think that since you're having a new baby, her life is about to change in so many ways, she's going to hate you no matter what you do (exaggeration, I hope).

We are the parents. There are MANY reasons why we are deciding to move, some of which are really not things we need to discuss with the children. However, we explain as much as we can. In our case, we talk about the positive things that will come about as a result of moving - traveling, farm, animals, dogs, horse, space, freedom to run, tree house, garden, ... cool stuff that we know they will appreciate, but maybe not right away. (actually, we are planning to travel in an RV and will be "looking" for a place to settle down, so the travel stuff will come before the farm & horse stuff)

We do the best we can to include their opinions in major life changing decisions, but still - we are the adults, and we do ultimately pay the bills ...

ETA: oh, and when we're frustrated about how negative they are being, we remind them of the things that they like to do that cost money, and we explain it in really simple terms: We can not afford to keep up with this life. We have to sell the house in order to provide you with the things you want to do and see and have.

[philomom]

If she already were in high school, I'd caution you to suck it up and stay in one spot till she's done. Seeing how she's not there yet..... just move her. Computers make staying touch extremely easy and she can have sleepovers with the old friends on weekends if you aren't moving more than an hour away.

[Sneezykids]

thanks for the replies!

The move is about 30 minutes away. On a positive note, I've pointed out to her, it's the same distance from her one grandma and closer to her other. Also, my first cousin has a dd in the high school she'd be going to, so she'd know at least one person (and at least in the area as well, for hanging out).

A good point about how she might think we made her life miserable no matter what...teens! I forget sometimes! I also let her know, her friends can come for weekend sleepovers...to the farm...horses and pool and 4 wheelers!

[bronxmom]

I don't know.  I moved when my daughter was 8 and I really regret it. She never adjusted to her new school and was literally depressed for almost 2 years before we moved her back to her old school.  A 13 year old is a person old enough to have their own life but still subject to what their parents do.  If you don't NEED to move, I would tend to wait out the 5 years and move when new kid is 5 before kindergarten.

That being said, if the new place is only 1/2 hour away, why can't she stay in her old school.  I'd say that the compromise could be that you move but that you drive her to her old school.  I know that's a lot of commuting (as I've done it) but I think would be a fair compromise that meets everyone's needs.

[Linda on the move]

A good point about how she might think we made her life miserable no matter what...teens! I forget sometimes!

I respectfully feel that this attitude could destroy your relationship with your daughter for a very long time.

Moving is a big deal. While it's true that teens often feel that their parents made their lives miserable by doing other things, such as requiring they clean their rooms before going out with friends, to adopt this attitude completely cuts off her very real feelings and grieving process. It denies an understanding of how much this impacts her life. It shows a lack of perspective on the part of the parent.

We've moved several times for my DH's job, and it's very difficult for me.I cannot begin to express the complete emotional disconnect that it would cause in our marriage, if he had the attitude that "all wives get annoyed with their husbands from time to time so his requiring me to move isn't a big deal,"

A 13 teen year old has stronger emotions than an adult, and less ability to process them.

Our most recent move was this last summer, and my DDs are 12 and 14. It was very tough for them. We didn't have a choice. And I wouldn't put them through it if we did.

None the less, they are doing GREAT now. They are very happy at their new school and in their new activities. We are all getting along super. But part of what made that possible was holding them when they cried and validating every painful emotion they felt.
 

I think that accepting your DD's very real feelings, and owning up to the fact that this isn't what she wants for her life and that she doesn't have any control, is part of the package of deciding to do this.

[bronxmom]

I strongly strongly second this point.  I think sometimes we're too quick to write off teens (or kids generally) feelings because "teens are so emotional anyways" or whatever. They're emotional precisely because things are so big to them, their social worlds are so narrow and all-consuming and they have very little control of what goes on in their lives even at an age where they feel (mostly rightly) that they should have more control.  In this case, it sounds like the OP and her partner desire a more "simple life" and that's understandable for them and fine; but they have a fledgling adult who has her own ideas about things and needs.  It doesn't mean you can accomodate them, but you should see if you can, if you can't, you should reach for compromise and if that doesn't work then you should fully empathize with her feelings and loss.  An unwanted move is traumatic and should be thought through very carefully.  I say this as someone who could probably move in a way that would be super-satisfying for my life but will likely not (at least for the next 7 years) b/c my daughter just embarked on the middle school to high school process.  
 

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I respectfully feel that this attitude could destroy your relationship with your daughter for a very long time.

Moving is a big deal. While it's true that teens often feel that their parents made their lives miserable by doing other things, such as requiring they clean their rooms before going out with friends, to adopt this attitude completely cuts off her very real feelings and grieving process. It denies an understanding of how much this impacts her life. It shows a lack of perspective on the part of the parent.

We've moved several times for my DH's job, and it's very difficult for me.I cannot begin to express the complete emotional disconnect that it would cause in our marriage, if he had the attitude that "all wives get annoyed with their husbands from time to time so his requiring me to move isn't a big deal,"

A 13 teen year old has stronger emotions than an adult, and less ability to process them.

Our most recent move was this last summer, and my DDs are 12 and 14. It was very tough for them. We didn't have a choice. And I wouldn't put them through it if we did.

None the less, they are doing GREAT now. They are very happy at their new school and in their new activities. We are all getting along super. But part of what made that possible was holding them when they cried and validating every painful emotion they felt.
 

I think that accepting your DD's very real feelings, and owning up to the fact that this isn't what she wants for her life and that she doesn't have any control, is part of the package of deciding to do this.

[karne]

We've had a move, and truly, it took a while for everyone to get back on their feet.  I wouldn't under any circumstances downplay how difficult a move could be for your child at this age.  Peers, feeling a sense of place within the school community, etc., are all really important.  It can matter more than all of the "things" she might have with a new home (horses, pool....).  Also, I don't know exactly what your plans are, or how experienced you are, but living rurally, and taking care of animals, property, gardening, are all extremely time consuming and very much become your life.  We live rurally and I find that it takes sensitivity and compromise to meet the social needs of my kids.   

[mattemma04]

If you are just 30 minutes away you could still keep her in the school if there is open enrollment. I would opt for that rather than waiting 5 years to move.After a year of traveling early to school,or just not liking it anymore she may opt for a different school. I often talk about moving and my ds refuses because he likes our home/yard.For the kids school is secondary. I am sure if I found a good place he would change his mind.

Again for your dd I would opt to drive her to the old school until she is ready to switch,but I would definitely want to move.A smaller home with more land is REALLY better. I want that too.

[Linda on the move]

just to be clear, I didn't mean my post to be a vote on moving vs not moving. I don't have an opinion about that.

Simply saying that I believe treating your 13 year's feelings lightly because she's 13 and therefore her feelings don't matter isn't a course of action that will most likely lead to a strong, loving relationship with her.

[terrordactyl]

i would take into consideration her feelings my mom moved me the summer before my first yr of highschool and i really wished she hadn't i didn't adjust at all hated my new school and ended up having a miserable highschool experience because i knew knowone especially if it is going to be a small school where cliques have been formed since 2nd grade. I really wish my mom would have thought of that and let me stay till i graduated from the school and town where i grew up

[Sneezykids]

Thanks for the replies and sorry for the silence.  I have been busy and not on MDC much the past week or so.

I do understand the gravity of moving.  The house we are in now is the 2nd one we've custom built in our 14 years of marriage.  We also had to rent and move around while building.  So, believe me, I understand what a pain it is. 

I agree with empathizing with my dd (and also my 9 yo ds).  I do validate her feelings.  The statement I made in my last post had more to do with her dramatic ways of expressing herself, and also, she can be quite bossy and often will tell us what we're going to do and not do (for example, when my lease was up on my last truck, she was adamant about everything I liked and tried to tell me what "we" were going to drive.  Same deal with the new baby coming...on what the name will be if it's a boy/girl) < I wasn't minimizing her feelings, but she does try to often dictate our life according to her wants and needs, so it's alot of sifting through the drama that I've been doing, trying to figure out how she really feels about things, esp the move.

The school factor is a big one.  Her dad and I do not like the schools here, but have resolved at least that she might be graduating from them anyway. 

My relationship with her is most important and I AM weighing this heavily.  In fact, the more I think about it, I am more inclined to try to find something in this school district (which she is okay with moving as long as she can stay in the school).  I could school of choice her, but gas is over $3 a gallon here and the thought of driving in the winters here on the expressway twice a day...ugh. 

BTW, we are rural now on 2 acres.  We've been approved for a few chickens (we are in a sub though so this might be tricky).  We have 7 rabbits now on our property, a garden, three cats, a dog and have raised ducks too. 

Ultimately, we still have to move at some point as my husband works for GM and has taken a hit over the last few years that he will not be able to recover (loss of income). 

Thanks for the thoughtful replies. 

Edited by Sneezykids - 11/18/10 at 12:11pm