6 yr old daughter wants to cancel playdate

[Tanibani]

What do I say to mom?

DD is at a new public elementary for 1st grade. She takes an after school enrichment class. Mom & I talked and she suggested she take my daughter for a playdate right after for 1.5 hr and we could switch off every week. Tomorrow is my turn. My dd is upset and doesn't want the little girl coming over because she said she is mean and a little bossy. ("well, if you don't do that, I won't play with you.") She doesn't want to play with her again.

My daughter didn't have a chance to talk to the mom, because then my husband came to pick her up.

How would you handle this?

- Force the playdate to happen anyway since I made the commitment?
- Come up with an excuse "can't do it tomorrow, sorry..."

help!

[lach]

It sounds like the mom is hoping to use this as some child care, since she set up a regular playdate. So, while I would prefer to respect my DD's wishes on this, I think canceling now might really inconvenience the other mother with no notice. I would not cancel for tomorrow.

But definitely see how they interact tomorrow, and don't feel bad about telling the other mother that you don't really think that it's working out for next week and beyond.

[eclipse]

I think you should go ahead with tomorrow's playdate, because I expect the other mother is counting on it. I'd also use the playdate to closely observe how they interact and offer your dd suggestions on how to interact better. You might also find that the other girl happened to be having a bad day last week and they play beautifully this week. If there really is a personality conflict, you can talk to the mother afterwards and decline from participating in the future.

[One_Girl]

I would normally say cancel, but if this is the first one at your house and she already had the kids over it may be very hard for her to find a replacement if she has plans. The playdate at your house may work better because you can keep stay aware of what is going on so you can quickly redirect talk like that. It may be good to give your dd some ideas about how to handle that kind of talk also because she will encounter it at school. I don't think you should do more than this one playdate if your dd doesn't want to do more in the future though.

[jeteaa]

Well you did only get your dd's side of how the play date went. I would keep playdate and use the time to teach your dd how everyone interacts diferently.

[philomom]

I would keep this first playdate. Then after, ask dd how it went... make a decision in a couple of days.

[kibba]

I would go ahead and have the playdate but cancel your dd going over there and just tell her it wont work out doing this all the time...


As for the playdate I would just be apart of it. Think up a craft to do with the girls, put on a movie, bake some cookies... that way she doesn't have a chance to be mean to your dd.

[pianojazzgirl]

I agree with the pps. I would keep this playdate, and then reassess afterwards. It sounds more like a babysitting exchange, and it is, IMO, too last-minute to cancel now.

I like the pp's idea of being part of the playdate. Do some crafts or baking or something. That way you can monitor things.

[limabean]

Will this just be the girls' second time playing together? I would keep the playdate in that case. Our first time playing with our new next door neighbor didn't go so great, but we've had him over a zillion times since then and he's a great kid who gets along really well with my DS, so I'm really glad we gave him another chance.

In the future, though, I'd be wary about setting up ongoing plans with people you don't know well, just because it's so awkward to back out of plans when the other mom thinks you'll be getting together every week. I say something like, "Our schedule changes so much that it'd be hard to commit to that, but we'd love to get together this Thursday!" That way you can see how the kids interact a few times before deciding whether to make any ongoing plans with them.

[ollyoxenfree]

If you go ahead with the playdate, you may find that the other girl behaves a little differently at your house. Her "bossiness" may have arisen out of some controlling behaviour around her toys and belongings. Perhaps also her parents have particular rules and she was trying to explain and enforce them with your dd and that came across as bossy.

If the playdate at your house goes badly, you can always back out on future commitments. If it goes well, you may want to keep it open as an occasional activity rather than a regular thing.

I would also coach your DD a little about how to manage bossy playmates. It will be helpful if she learns to deal with them, rather than avoiding them altogether.

[Tanibani]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree 

If you go ahead with the playdate, you may find that the other girl behaves a little differently at your house. Her "bossiness" may have arisen out of some controlling behaviour around her toys and belongings. Perhaps also her parents have particular rules and she was trying to explain and enforce them with your dd and that came across as bossy.

If the playdate at your house goes badly, you can always back out on future commitments. If it goes well, you may want to keep it open as an occasional activity rather than a regular thing.

I would also coach your DD a little about how to manage bossy playmates. It will be helpful if she learns to deal with them, rather than avoiding them altogether.

Thanks, I agree with that.  My husband gave my daughter a pep talk the night before and it seemed to help.  Whew.  When I picked them up, my daughter was bouncing up and down with joy about her coming over, so I guess she got over it.  

I couldn't stay near them because I was helping my son with his homework, so they were in her room playing school.  Not sure that was the friend's favorite activity (doubtful) but she was a good sport.

It's totally nuts to keep this an ongoing thing because it puts pressure on them, so I'll figure out a way to explain to the mom nicely.  Thanks!

[ollyoxenfree]

Good update - it's nice to hear that the playdate went well. Your dd sounds like a good friend. I'm sure you'll find a graceful way to deal with the other mom.  

Originally Posted by Tanibani 

Thanks, I agree with that.  My husband gave my daughter a pep talk the night before and it seemed to help.  Whew.  When I picked them up, my daughter was bouncing up and down with joy about her coming over, so I guess she got over it.  

I couldn't stay near them because I was helping my son with his homework, so they were in her room playing school.  Not sure that was the friend's favorite activity (doubtful) but she was a good sport.

It's totally nuts to keep this an ongoing thing because it puts pressure on them, so I'll figure out a way to explain to the mom nicely.  Thanks!