Disagreeing with DH?

[TattooedMomma]

Does anyone else have an unsupportive DH? Mine doesn't mind breastfeeding too much, although he thinks we should quit when DD can talk. He is against co-sleeping which is part of the reason DD and I have been sleeping on a mattress in her room and earlier tonight he said that DD wasn't crawling yet because I held her too much

I try to let him voice his opinions and the reasons for them, but I feel like his reasons are mostly selfish. He wants her to stop breastfeeding early because he misses "his" boobs. Co-sleeping shouldn't really bother him since he works nights anyway. He has no scientific findings to support that holding a baby more delays their development and it's not like I never let her play by herself.

He tends to focus on the negatives, right now DD is not sleeping well at all and him and my mom and his grandma have all been on me about letting her cry it out. For awhile I was being swayed (because I am exhausted!) but then I did more research and felt like the scientific findings supported MY view, that co-sleeping is great for babies and I felt greatly encouraged.

Has anyone successfully gotten their DH on their side? And how? I'm worried that if we are always on different pages that DD is going to be one very confused child and our marriage is going to suffer.

*Just to clarify, before I got pregnant we never discussed attached parenting. I'd never heard of it. But we did discuss how we wanted to be better parents than either of our parents were and we were going to respect our child's feelings and needs.

It seems like when I got pregnant he did a complete 180 and is doing (or wanting to do) the exact same things his parents did even though he gets angry about them being done to him! I don't know what is going on, I suggested therapy, but that went over badly. I'm starting to get scared.

[tjlucca]

I asked my DP to read the same research and literature I was reading so we would be on the same page. Though he never really pushes his opinions about DD, he trusts my Mama Mojo. I would ask your DH to read what you are reading so the two of you can discuss the issues arising with the same body of knowledge, also if his viewpoints are opposing, where do they come from? Has he studied early childhood development? If so, maybe you could read some of what he is studying too so that you can find a compromise. Good luck Mama.

[P.J.]

Whoa. It sounds like you two are really not on the same page parenting-wise. Good for you for standing up for what you know is right. I agree with PP that you should tr< to get him to read the books you're reading. The Baby Book by Dr. Sears is a good all-round book for parenting and general baby info (is all about AP) and may be easiest for your hubby to browse through. He may also like looking in there when he has developmental questions, etc. And maybe it will influence him positively.

I know what I'm about to sa yis kind of anti-papa and may not sit well with some but here goes:
You are the mother here. You are (I assume) the primary caretaker of this child. At the end of the day, you have more influence and control over what happens because you are the one doing it most of the time. Just put your foot down and insist on doing it your way. It may not be easy (esp. with the inlaws also nagging you) but you can do it.

Luckily DH and I agree on almost everything, but one example is I do Elimination Communication. DH thinks it's kind of stupid and will not do it. Ever. But you know what? I do 99% of diaper changes (which is when I offer DS the potty) so even if DH is not into it or doing it, it's getting done. KWIM? He's also convinced cloth diapers are not worth the effort, and has been pretty firm he does not want me using cloth. I have tried and tried but he's stubbornly insisting he's right. Well, guess what? I have ordered some cloth dipes and am going to start using one a day and ease into it that way. I am the one that will be washing them, it will not really affect DH, and he will get used to it, even if he doesn't agree.

Again, this may not be the most sound advice, and I would worry about what will happen to a marriage over time if your only doing it this way, but the way I see it, as mamas we are more in control here and if need be we can just go ahead and do it our way if our partners are not on board. If your DH is stubbornly disagreeing and other, more co-operative methods will not persuade him (BTW I would say therapy would be a great idea if he would agree), then go ahead and just do it your way. Easier said than done I know.

[akind1]

Some guys are not into reading stuff - if yours is one, you may need to find another way. I am sure my DH misses "his" boobs too, but especially with cold and flu season here, the mama-milk is far better for his immune system than any alternative (and what does when she can talk mean? like say mama and dada or whole sentences?)

I am a firm believer in the benefits of co-sleeping. However I also firmly believe that if not all parties are in agreement on the arrangement, you may need to find a better solution. FWIW, here is what we did - the first 6 months DS slept in the co-sleeper beside the bed between feedings. between 7 and 11 months he started the night in the crib (between 9 and 10) and I brought him to bed with us when we were going to sleep - between 11 and midnight. Around 10 1/2 months we started leaving him in his crib to see IF he would STTN if we did not bring him with us. and yes, some nights he did. Some nights he woke once or twice, but we bring him to bed with us for the rest of the night when that happens. The last week or so he has STTN every night in his crib. And we all are sleeping better! Now, he might want back in our bed at some point, and we are ok with that, but for now, this is what works best for all of us. You may want to try a gentle transition on the co-sleeping. But if it is mostly you at night, I don't see why it matters.

As for the in laws, I wouldn't argue or discuss it. Say I'm the mama and this is what works for us. It isn't open for discussion.

Have you asked you DH why he wants things done a certain way? it may be that he sees there is a problem (no one is sleeping well) and wants to fix it it. Men tend to be solution oriented, and he is trying to fix it the only way that he knows how. Offer him some gentle solutions (I really like the no cry sleep solution book)

Hope some of this helps!

[1blueheron]

Maybe the root of his problem is jealousy re the time you spend on baby? "Convenience parenting" is certainly easier on adult time. Maybe try addressing that instead of fighting over parenting concepts? Doyou two get any alone time together? Good luck, mama.

[TattooedMomma]

Thanks for the encouragement! I have been putting my foot down and doing things my way no matter what he says because he has no good reasons for his misgivings(and my mama instincts tell me that it IS good for DD). BUT I don't want to do that and I know in the long run it isn't a good idea for our marriage or for DD.

I think I'm going to see if he wants us to try all sleeping together again. That way on his 2 day weekends he can spend some snuggle time with the both of us which might ease some tension. We tried that before when DD was brand new, but all the movement and crying kept waking him up. Nowadays I can usually get to her before she starts crying.

He's silly about the cloth diapers too, but that is the least of my worries. He likes that they save money, so even though he refuses to use them himself, he doesn't mind me using them on her.

He thinks we should quit bfing when DD can ask for milk. Why? Because it's "weird."

I do think he is jealous and I have been trying to spend more time with him, but with DD not sleeping well lately, it hasn't been happening. I've sent him articles supporting attachment parenting before but I doubt he read them. Every time I asked he said he hadn't gotten around to it yet.

I'm really worried when we get to the stage where we actually need to discipline her. He also turned "pro-spanking." I'm starting to feel cheated myself though. I thought I had this guy who really wanted to do the right thing by his child and here I am arguing that spanking a child is a horrible thing to do. What the hell happened??

[Snapdragon]

that's a hard situation- it sounds like the main support people in your life are not supporting your choices. Good that you are reaching out to MDC for support. But also, cna you find an IRL group of moms ( amom/baby group or something) where you can get support on your choices? Parenting a new baby is hard enough- bu if yo =u are also having to defend yourself that is rough- so if you had more IRL people validatng your choices, and you could see kids who are raised the way you want to raise yours, you might feel more supported.

[Jenica]

If jealousy is part of the issue you might want to ask your DH to take a more active roll in the parenting. My DH gets that way sometimes and it seems to be when he's not spending a lot of time with DD. I make it a point to put him on "Daddy Duty" often because it strengthens DH's and DD's bond and when he feels close to her he doesn't resent the time I spend with her either. It also gives me a break to get things done so that when DD is sleeping I can spend time with DH. Since having DD I've learned that men do well when you tell them specifically what you need help with. Like a PP said, the want to "fix" things and if you tell them how they can they feel valued and needed. Hope things get better for you

[toughcookie]

i agree with other posters that this is a very difficult situation.  my DH and i have only one pretty minor disagreement about AP, and it is stressful at times.  this is pretty fundamental - to be in the same book (hopefully dr. sears), if not on the same page, when it comes to your first babe together.  it's hard enough to take care of them, and when there's constant strife over methods, that's rough.

it sounds like he's getting a steady stream of propaganda.  where from, do you think?  is it a co-worker he trusts, or just his own parents?  it sounds very persuasive, if it overrides your momma judgment.  he indeed sounds envious of your affections turned elsewhere, but he's a grown man and you've got a helpless baby to love and care for 24/7. 

i agree with a previous poster that finding a pro-AP group is a good way to go.  for me, my DH has 2 kids from a previous marriage, raised on cry-it-out, bottle-feeding, etc, so when i got preggers i made sure we went to a prenatal class run by an AP-bent group, so he could see what is done now, 11 years after his last child.  he is totally on board, was from birth.  having gotten a re-education.  and, peer encouragement from the group, many of which were a lot more crunchy than he though i was being!  if it's peer or parental pressure on your DH that is getting him to reverse his stance on what you discussed pre-preg, i'd bet that peer pressure in the other direction might sway him.

i wish you lots of luck.  if you do prevail, once your babe starts really shining on its own due to your good APing, he will realize how glad he is that he "had that idea" .

[3xMama]

I'm sorry you're going through this! I think a lot of the pp's have had great ideas, but I wanted to add a few thoughts.

Have you sat down and rediscussed your parenting views? You said you talked a lot about how you wanted to parent before the baby was born and he seems to have done a 180 since then. Maybe sitting down with him and explaining that you're confused about why he seems to have changed his mind about things. Then bring up whatever specific things you discussed prebaby that he's contradicting now and work though them. Or if you didn't discuss specifics then, you'll know what he specifics are now (cry it out, bottlefeeding etc) and can discuss them through.

I also think guys tend to be fixers. They just want to fix whatever it is that is wrong and make it go away. He probably doesn't like seeing you so tired and worn out. Solution, let the kid cry. It could be that that's what he knows and he's reverting to it because he understands it or its easier or it fixes things, even if he doesn't necessarily like it. He may even be thinking that it happened to him and he turned out ok, so why won't your kid?

I don't think its fair of him to tell you how you should be doing things when he's not the one who's around and doing it, kwim? So there's an extent that I feel you can say, nicely, "thank you for your input, but as I'm the one who will be dealing with her sleep, I will make the final call and I'd appreciate it if you could be supportive of me." I'd definately leave that as a last resort though.

And definately trying to find some time for him is important. If a sleepless baby has taken over most of your limited alone time, he could be feeling resentful and jealous.

I think open communication is the big thing you need to work on though. He's not listening to you-or even your attempts to ahve him read info-nor is he necessarily explaining, in my understanding, why he's thinking what he's thinking. I think calmly discussing the situation, and staying calm throughout even when outraged at what he has to say, is going to be key.

Good luck, mama! I hope things clear up!

[jillmamma]

My DH used to be kind of like that too.  Our first was an awful sleeper who woke up several times a night to nurse till he was almost 2.  My DH too was all let's try CIO, and thought BF beyond 1.5 - 2 years was nuts, and wanted me to nightwean much earlier too.  He also wanted me to handle all nightwakings as I was a SAHP and he WOH.  I am actually okay with that, but my reasoning was if I am doing most of the work (BF and night wakings), I think I should have more say in how to do my job.  If he would have been willing to get up with the baby and handle things, I would have been more willing to do night weaning earlier and not have baby in our bed as much.  But since it was ME having to get up, I was going to get the kid back to sleep the easiest/quickest way I could so that I could function well the next day too.  The good news is that now we are on baby #3, and he knows I have strong feelings about this, and therefore he is more accepting of how I do things at night since I am the one getting up with her.  He also has grown a LOT in the past few years as a dad, and is much more hands on now than when he first became a dad.  I hope you can work something out!  

[TattooedMomma]

Things have been going better the past couple days.  It's almost like DD knew I needed help because she's started giving her daddy some love finally after being a momma's girl her whole life!  It's helped DH a lot to have her connecting to him like she has been.  I also asked him to read just part of the wikipedia page on co-sleeping- basically just a paragraph outlining the benefits.  I'll probably slowly introduce more info on other aspects of AP as we go along and keep discussing parenting decisions that mean a lot to us. 

Thinking back, we never discussed the specifics of parenting.  I didn't know anything about AP, I just knew what I wanted to do and it happened to line up with the AP principles.  I guess I just thought that DH would see my way because it made so much sense to me.  Luckily, his in-laws and my parents aren't TOO pushy about their views.  If he's been asking them for ideas, they'll give CIO and other such answers, but only if he asks or complains (same with me).  So I've learned not to complain! 

Edited by TattooedMomma - 11/11/10 at 7:29pm