Really disappointed and upset...

[Almi]

I was planning on my perfect birth. It was to be at home with my dear partner and mother by my side.

It will still be at home, and my partner is still by my side, but today my fears with my mother were confirmed.

At first when I told my mom that I wanted to give birth unassisted in my home (this was even before I knew there were twins), she didn't seem too horribly taken aback, but simply said that she thought a hospital birth would be safer. I told her that she did what felt right to her (had hospital births) and that I would do what felt right for me (UC), and that was that. She didn't argue.

Then I found out we were having twins. She asked me if I still intended to give birth at home. I said I still wanted to, but told her "we'll see how things go."

And guess what? Things couldn't be better, and this includes two vertex babies. So far I feel extremely comfortable with the concept of UC and very confident in my body's ability to give birth. I always have.

She has been updated every time I've had an appointment or ultrasound, so she knows my pregnancy is going well and that I am still planning a UC. A few times when I went to visit her, she tried saying dumb things like she was assuming I was having the babies at the hospital. Such as this:

Me (talking about cloth diapering, and that I do have some disposables in case I get really tired or don't like cloth): Yeah, so I do have some disposables left over from the baby shower.
Her: Oh, you know, I think the hospital will usually send home diapers with you too.
Me: ...But I'm not going to the hospital. And I plan to exclusively use cloth if I can.
Her: Oh yeah, that's right...
Me:

It was these things that started making me question whether or not I could have her attend my birth. Well, today was the last straw.

I was visiting her today, and was happily talking about my pregnancy and how I'm getting so big, and I was poking the babies' legs (so cute!). She suddenly asks me something to the effect of, "So you really have your heart set on a homebirth, huh?" I was like, "Yep!" And right when I was beginning to think she might really be ready to fully support me, she starts in with how she thinks a hospital birth is safer, and we sat and argued about it. I actually had to argue with my own mother that we are animals. She insists that we are NOT animals, we are HUMAN BEINGS, that we are DIFFERENT. This was after I said that we're just animals, and animals don't regularly die giving birth.

I also gave her the driving analogy...that even though I could get in a car accident and die, that doesn't stop me from coming and seeing her. I let her know that I am well aware of all of the "risks" of giving birth, and that I am educated and well-prepared for whatever might happen, and that the chances of me or the babies having any problems are very slim.

She then proceeded to question me, "Well what if this happens? What if that happens? What if you hemorrhage?" I actually had to sit there and validate myself to my own mother.

Eventually I said to her, "You're not going to change my mind by arguing with me about this. You're just pissing me off."

She argued that she just cares about me and the babies, to which I responded, "If you cared about me, you'd support me. What I really need from you is support."

She still insists that she's right...and won't support me...and has therefore officially been uninvited to my birth...but she won't know that until after they're born. I hate this.

[Gray's Mommy]

I am very sorry you are having to go through this! It sounds very challenging to say the least.

I would like to point out that having this discussion/argument now is better than having her at your birth & not being comfortable. That fear/stress can rub off on you during labor and interrupt your rhythm.

[Tumble Bumbles]

Originally Posted by Gray's Mommy

I am very sorry you are having to go through this! It sounds very challenging to say the least.

I would like to point out that having this discussion/argument now is better than having her at your birth & not being comfortable. That fear/stress can rub off on you during labor and interrupt your rhythm.

Everything happens for a reason, even though it's upsetting. Imagine how it would discourage and slow your progress if she came and started in on this while you were in labor.... or got all nervous and felt the "need" to call someone for your "safety"?

I know it's not easy but try to make peace with it. It may be an incredible bonding experience for you and your partner to share together

[Mackenzie]

Originally Posted by Almi

I was planning on my perfect birth. It was to be at home with my dear partner and mother by my side.

It will still be at home, and my partner is still by my side, but today my fears with my mother were confirmed.

At first when I told my mom that I wanted to give birth unassisted in my home (this was even before I knew there were twins), she didn't seem too horribly taken aback, but simply said that she thought a hospital birth would be safer. I told her that she did what felt right to her (had hospital births) and that I would do what felt right for me (UC), and that was that. She didn't argue.

Then I found out we were having twins. She asked me if I still intended to give birth at home. I said I still wanted to, but told her "we'll see how things go."

And guess what? Things couldn't be better, and this includes two vertex babies. So far I feel extremely comfortable with the concept of UC and very confident in my body's ability to give birth. I always have.

She has been updated every time I've had an appointment or ultrasound, so she knows my pregnancy is going well and that I am still planning a UC. A few times when I went to visit her, she tried saying dumb things like she was assuming I was having the babies at the hospital. Such as this:

Me (talking about cloth diapering, and that I do have some disposables in case I get really tired or don't like cloth): Yeah, so I do have some disposables left over from the baby shower.
Her: Oh, you know, I think the hospital will usually send home diapers with you too.
Me: ...But I'm not going to the hospital. And I plan to exclusively use cloth if I can.
Her: Oh yeah, that's right...
Me:

It was these things that started making me question whether or not I could have her attend my birth. Well, today was the last straw.

I was visiting her today, and was happily talking about my pregnancy and how I'm getting so big, and I was poking the babies' legs (so cute!). She suddenly asks me something to the effect of, "So you really have your heart set on a homebirth, huh?" I was like, "Yep!" And right when I was beginning to think she might really be ready to fully support me, she starts in with how she thinks a hospital birth is safer, and we sat and argued about it. I actually had to argue with my own mother that we are animals. She insists that we are NOT animals, we are HUMAN BEINGS, that we are DIFFERENT. This was after I said that we're just animals, and animals don't regularly die giving birth.

I also gave her the driving analogy...that even though I could get in a car accident and die, that doesn't stop me from coming and seeing her. I let her know that I am well aware of all of the "risks" of giving birth, and that I am educated and well-prepared for whatever might happen, and that the chances of me or the babies having any problems are very slim.

She then proceeded to question me, "Well what if this happens? What if that happens? What if you hemorrhage?" I actually had to sit there and validate myself to my own mother.

Eventually I said to her, "You're not going to change my mind by arguing with me about this. You're just pissing me off."

She argued that she just cares about me and the babies, to which I responded, "If you cared about me, you'd support me. What I really need from you is support."

She still insists that she's right...and won't support me...and has therefore officially been uninvited to my birth...but she won't know that until after they're born. I hate this.

I'm so sorry... and I am glad that you are doing what you need to to protect your birth environment...

[rainbow_mandala]

What you've been going through with your mom is very similar to what I've also been going through with my mom. I'm living with my parents right now, not sure for how long, but I will more than likely give birth here. When I first moved in, I was gungho about finding a midwife this time around and I did just that. After seeing the midwife I realized that this wasn't what my soul/higher consciousness was calling me to do...having another unassisted birth is. I let my mom know that and at first she seemed accepting and supportive of my decision. It wasn't more than a few days later, though, that it became apparent that she's simply ignorant and didn't know what she was condoning. She offered to be my doula, I said, sure, if she wanted to. In reality, though, I don't feel I'll need a doula but it sounded like she wanted to help in some way so I gave her this opportunity. She got a book from the library about how to be a birth partner. After reading it for a few hours that night, she woke up the next morning and was almost hysterical. The first thing she said was, "I've been reading that book. You need a midwife." This totally threw me off-guard, which made arguing very appealing. The book talked about different things that could happen and how the midwife or doctor is the one who takes care of those things...this made her feel very vulnerable as the doula, which I understand. But what I didn't appreciate is how she ranted about it, declaring what I NEED to do, without doing additional research or taking the time to understand where I'm coming from. So I made it clear to her that this is what feels right to me and there's nothing that's going to change my mind about that.

That seemed to help, or so I thought. Since then, there's been other off-handed comments like, "Are you sure you don't just want to get a midwife this time around?" or "The father of this baby is so big, aren't you afraid you're going to need some assistance with this large baby?" Or the other day when I sent her a link to the unassistedbirth.com site she says to me afterward, "There's doulas in Houston! You can go hire one and it'll be all set." THAT'S what she got from looking at that site?! All she did was click on a google ad and look at a video and some pictures. I told her in a very aggravated tone that I already told her that I am happy giving birth unassisted, and she said, "I know, but I love you and I want you and your baby to be okay." That isn't love to me, at least not the love I want or need. She's not giving me positive support, she's just attaching to her fears and taking them out on me. I was feeling pretty bad about this, thinking I need to just find another place to live, that this environment isn't healthy. Then this morning she comes down and says she "gave it all to God" last night, slept wonderfully and feels much better about it all. So, I don't know...we'll see if that lasts. I just thought I'd share my story because it's so similar to yours and I understand what it's like to not feel heard or understood by your mother...especially when it comes to something as vulnerable as birth.

[dayiscoming2006]

It'll be alright Almi. I never even told my parents because they would have a heart attack. I guarantee neither of them would be supportive of unassisted birth. They probably have impression that I'm going to have a homebirth midwife as I posted about supporting homebirth and midwives on facebook. I don't discuss any details with them. I won't be telling them I gave birth unassisted after the fact either. I just don't feel like arguing with them. So, basically, I understand.

And I second a pp that it's better to have found out about your mom's feelings now than it would have been later.

[fuzzylogic]

Not to discourage, but please look at where your Mom might be coming from: The older you are, the more things you've seen go wrong. Has she had someone in her life have trouble with a birth? Has she herself had problems?

I somehow doubt that your Mom is just being negative. You may need to talk with her and find out what in her background is making her apprehensive and validate her feelings as well as your own. As a Mom myself, I have had my kids get mad because of things that HAVE happened to me or my friends that they haven't experienced....and therefore aren't worried about.

Maybe talking with her and finding out her POV in a non-threatening manner would give you some insight.

[dayiscoming2006]

[MeepyCat]

I think it's really important that your mom asked some of the questions she asked ("what if you hemorrhage?" and so on) even though I can see why they made you feel threatened and unhappy.

If there is not a professional at your birth, the people who love you are going to have to know what to do if (not when, if) something goes wrong. It makes sense to have some plans, and to discuss identification of and responses to emergencies with them. Your mom may be thinking, not so much "what if you hemorrhage?" but "oh my god, what'll I do if you hemorrhage?" Or worse - "what'll I do if I have to choose between helping a baby breathe and stopping *my* baby from bleeding?" It can be very hard to think clearly and react quickly when people you love are in danger. It also cannot be denied that if someone just is not comfortable in that role, they should not be there.

Also, I regret to tell you, humans are at greater risk of childbirth complications than other animals. We walk upright, which affects pelvic shape and size, and we have large heads. The combination doesn't always make for easy birthing. Historically, the rates of mortality associated with human birth are much higher than the rates for other animals, and the rates of mortality associated with the births of twins are higher.

Finally, I offer this: As a mother, I don't think it's my job to be unconditionally supportive. It wasn't *my* mother's job to be unconditionally supportive either - there are times when we have to tell our children that we don't agree with what they're doing and we can't get behind it. If this is your mother's moment, respect that you and she are both adults and get to make your own decisions. It's valuable that she is communicating her reasons and her feelings with you, even if they aren't the reasons and feelings you'd like her to have.

[BunnySlippers]

She sounds scared, and worried about you. Regular mother stuff.

I think it is probably best to just not talk to her about the birth as you two have different visions (to say the least) and you do not need the stress.

[Almi]

Originally Posted by Gray's Mommy

I would like to point out that having this discussion/argument now is better than having her at your birth & not being comfortable. That fear/stress can rub off on you during labor and interrupt your rhythm.

Yeah, I'm glad we at least got to a certain point, I kept worrying about it.

Originally Posted by Tumble Bumbles

Everything happens for a reason, even though it's upsetting. Imagine how it would discourage and slow your progress if she came and started in on this while you were in labor.... or got all nervous and felt the "need" to call someone for your "safety"?

I know it's not easy but try to make peace with it. It may be an incredible bonding experience for you and your partner to share together

Yeah, that's exactly what I was worried about if she attended the birth.

I'm now thinking of having a friend be my doula instead of my mom...she's my mom's age, but she's so very sweet and patient, and she supports me. I also believe she's had some midwife training. Perhaps it will benefit me more to have her there instead, even though I really wanted to invite my mom. I'm afraid my mom will be hurt if she doesn't get to be there for my birth, and I almost feel like I'll regret it, too. I'm kind of torn at this point.

Originally Posted by Mackenzie

I'm so sorry... and I am glad that you are doing what you need to to protect your birth environment...

*hugs back* Thanks for the support, it means a lot to me.

Originally Posted by rainbow_mandala

What you've been going through with your mom is very similar to what I've also been going through with my mom. .

Lol, sounds like it. I think the only difference is that my mom doesn't seem to want to give up at this point.

Originally Posted by dayiscoming2006

It'll be alright Almi. I never even told my parents because they would have a heart attack. I guarantee neither of them would be supportive of unassisted birth. They probably have impression that I'm going to have a homebirth midwife as I posted about supporting homebirth and midwives on facebook. I don't discuss any details with them. I won't be telling them I gave birth unassisted after the fact either. I just don't feel like arguing with them. So, basically, I understand.

And I second a pp that it's better to have found out about your mom's feelings now than it would have been later.

Sadly, I've told several members of my family and many of my friends, and most of them are just like "omg you're brave," or they just think "eh, your life, your decision, just call me when it's all over!"

I haven't told my dad or stepmom though, they hate me enough that it would prompt them to be in my life - only to stir up trouble.

Originally Posted by fuzzylogic

Not to discourage, but please look at where your Mom might be coming from: The older you are, the more things you've seen go wrong. Has she had someone in her life have trouble with a birth? Has she herself had problems?

I somehow doubt that your Mom is just being negative. You may need to talk with her and find out what in her background is making her apprehensive and validate her feelings as well as your own. As a Mom myself, I have had my kids get mad because of things that HAVE happened to me or my friends that they haven't experienced....and therefore aren't worried about.

Maybe talking with her and finding out her POV in a non-threatening manner would give you some insight.

She had zero complications with her first three singleton births. In fact, I (her third child) came out so quickly and easily that she couldn't believe it.

When she had her twins, however, she had plenty of complications. She was very stressed throughout the pregnancy and didn't have that great of a diet. She developed pre-eclampsia and had my little brothers at 35 weeks. When she went to the hospital, she was immediately drugged. She was drugged through the entire thing. The first twin came, then they flipped the second twin around via version. The placenta came before the second twin, but she pushed him out in just enough time. She said she hemorrhaged with this birth as well. I believe had she taken better care of herself throughout pregnancy, she could have avoided the pre-eclampsia, and had she not had all of the interventions (including an attempt to stop labor a few days before they were born), I think her birth would have gone more smoothly. I could be wrong, but no one will ever know.

So yes, I know why she's scared, especially because I happen to be having twins. And I told her that just because that happened to her, and things CAN happen, that doesn't mean they WILL. However, I still feel I am making the right decision for US.

I don't think I said she was "just being negative." I'm just really fretting because I REALLY wanted her there for me for my birth, and I really need her support at this time in my life. Why couldn't I just be "normal" and want a hospital birth?

I see her point of view; I wish she'd see mine, but she just says she "doesn't have to" research homebirth to know that she's right. =/

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

I think it's really important that your mom asked some of the questions she asked ("what if you hemorrhage?" and so on) even though I can see why they made you feel threatened and unhappy.

If there is not a professional at your birth, the people who love you are going to have to know what to do if (not when, if) something goes wrong. It makes sense to have some plans, and to discuss identification of and responses to emergencies with them. Your mom may be thinking, not so much "what if you hemorrhage?" but "oh my god, what'll I do if you hemorrhage?" Or worse - "what'll I do if I have to choose between helping a baby breathe and stopping *my* baby from bleeding?" It can be very hard to think clearly and react quickly when people you love are in danger. It also cannot be denied that if someone just is not comfortable in that role, they should not be there.

Also, I regret to tell you, humans are at greater risk of childbirth complications than other animals. We walk upright, which affects pelvic shape and size, and we have large heads. The combination doesn't always make for easy birthing. Historically, the rates of mortality associated with human birth are much higher than the rates for other animals, and the rates of mortality associated with the births of twins are higher.

Finally, I offer this: As a mother, I don't think it's my job to be unconditionally supportive. It wasn't *my* mother's job to be unconditionally supportive either - there are times when we have to tell our children that we don't agree with what they're doing and we can't get behind it. If this is your mother's moment, respect that you and she are both adults and get to make your own decisions. It's valuable that she is communicating her reasons and her feelings with you, even if they aren't the reasons and feelings you'd like her to have.

I think I was so annoyed by the questioning because I went through a huge, exhausting discussion on another forum, where I was questioned intensively, and probably not because these people cared about me:

http://www.thepregnancyforum.com/hot...ed-births.html

(No, I did not start the thread, lol, that actually was on page three of another thread where a few members questioned me about it.)

Yes, and I would have been happy to discuss any plans with her in a different conversation, on a different level, and was planning on it. One reason I really wanted another person there besides me and my partner is the fact that I'm having two babies, and I don't want Jason to have to deal with all THREE of us if something goes wrong.

Yes, I'm aware that humans are anatomically different than most animals, but we still have the ability to give birth just fine in most cases. Rates of mortality with twins are not SIGNIFICANTLY higher than that of singletons, but they are higher, I agree, and for good reason. Humans are built to only have one at a time. However, if my body is willing to have a healthy twin pregnancy, I don't see any reason it wouldn't be able to have a healthy twin birth, as well. MANY twins are born with little to no complications.

I understand where you are coming from, but the problem is this: She's only stressing me out by saying all of this to me. (I was laying on my bed bawling today because of all this, I don't see how that is good, at all.) It's not going to change my mind, like I have told her, so it is completely pointless for her to try. I NEED support, I don't need someone telling me that what I'm doing is wrong in so many words, no matter what their intent is. Right now I just feel incredibly alone.

So no, she doesn't need to tell me, especially when all it is going to do is harm. She can think whatever she wants, all I asked of her was support (and by support, that mainly includes not arguing with me about my decisions). She doesn't have to support me either, but that's just a loss for us both, then.

Originally Posted by BunnySlippers

I think it is probably best to just not talk to her about the birth as you two have different visions (to say the least) and you do not need the stress.

Yeah, I agree. I just don't know what to do now though...she is someone I'm extremely close to and someone I look to when I'm vulnerable and in need of help.

Edited by Almi - 11/10/10 at 7:20pm

[MsBlack]

To me, part of becoming a mother mean's...to some degree...rejecting one's own mother. You have to step away from your old relationship with her, in which you are her child and she, the mother--it's just necessary for you, in becoming a mother yourself.

This seems to be hardest of all for those who enjoyed a close relationship with their moms, as you seem to have, Almi. The struggle is more painful for both...the good news is, that struggle does mean you've been close with each other up til now, and thus have a good chance of having a close relationship again in future.

Few young-adult mothers have just the same POV as their next-generation-up moms, no matter how close. Some of it is a difference of experience, as someone pointed out--yeah, we middle-aged moms/grandmas have seen more things than our daughters, that's just life unless you live in a cave. The other, maybe more important thing is that we each were raised in different times...knowledge, power, and social conditions have changed over the past few generations pretty dramatically. You come into this birth with such a different level of knowledge than your mom, who may have been pretty well informed among her peers--but new things have been learned, and some old things have been re-membered, since your mom first had babies.

Seems you have the chance to accept that a positive sign of your emerging woman-and-mothering identity, is this impasse with your mom. It is what is, for its own reasons for the whole family; it gives you the chance to work out your adventure of UC without her resistance--although it does mean too, finding new support if you can no longer count on hers. You can grieve the end of an old era with your mom--and celebrate stepping forward more into your life and dreams as a strong-enough woman of this generation of baby-havers. You are wise to seek support of calm sensible people for your UC, now you know that it can't be your mom this time--not for your own peace of mind or for hers either. It's tough to experience these estrangements from people we love, and rely on, so much...but most likely the bonds will hold just enough for you two to forge a new relationship in time. Meantime, your energy needs to be on the support you need.

If your UC adventure is to be all you hope, it's probably time to walk away from your mom for a time. Probably good for all if you both let go of it for now--you need your energy for the work ahead. Don't ask her to be more accepting, just let her know you respect her concerns and will not impose your UC plans on her anymore; don't let her draw you into argument, either--just turn instead to finding positive support in your UC preparations. She'll live, even if you don't take her bait--even if you only say "yeah, mom, I know you worry. We know you love us. You're just going to have to trust us with this--knowing we want us to be just as safe and happy as you want us all to be. Let's not go there, shall we?"

all the best

[MittensKittens]

Well, you did get something positive from your argument with your mother . Isn't it much better to be clear on where she stands now, during your pregnancy, so that you can decide not to include her in your birth?  If your mother feels unable to be supportive - which is a shame, but obviously within her rights too - it is helpful to know about that in advance.

Also, I don't necessarily see her questions about what action is required in case of specific possible complications as negative. After all, she was preparing to be a doula, and it makes sense know about these complications. Perhaps all she needs is information on how those complications can be handled. I appreciate that it probably came from a judgmental, ignorant point of view, but it doesn't have to be. Did you offer your mom information on how you would deal with certain complications? If she was essentially supportive but had some worries, answers to her questions might well result in an "Oh, I see, that's handy to know!" kind of reply. But again, you obviously don't need someone with a hostile attitude at your birth, and your decision not to have her present is totally valid. Also, I'd continue to answer genuine questions, but would change the subject every time hostile comments would come up.

Good luck! This can be really tough!

[rainbow_mandala]

I also would like to add that after reading some of that thread you posted, it looks as if you're looking for the validation that you really just want to receive from your mother.  It honestly sounds like that's not going to happen, that she's on the opposite side of the fence with you and she simply doesn't want to see what you're saying.  Maybe it's time to let go of the need to change her mind and figure out a different way to deal with feeling vulnerable.  For me, meditation helps tremendously.  If I'm caught up in my mind it's very easy for me to feel fearful, but when I get into a meditative state I let go and trust the natural unfolding of things.  I understand what you're going through all too well.  It sounds like it's bringing up a sense of abandonment inside you that's probably been there for a very long time.  You just want to be seen, you want to be heard, you want to be loved just as you are, but you're mother is not willing or able to do that.  It hurts.  It's also a prime opportunity to feel the pain and release it and know that you're strong and you're capable of having the birth that you desire

[marcitrix]

I haven't read all the comments sorry if this is a repeat, but I didn't tell my mom I was UCing until she called and asked me if I was  (she woke up in the middle of the night and just knew).  It was an awful conversation, she gave me all the fear that she could, but I knew in my heart that the uc was right for us.  She asked to not be called until after the baby was born, and I respected her and the fact that she wasn't okay with it.  It's not your job to convince your mom that this is right, you will just make yourself frustrated.  Until she is in a place to be okay with it all the information you give her is going to be rejected.  Start working now on dealing with the emotions and fact that she won't be there.  Then put a team in place that you are comfortable to have at your birth.  I am due soon with #6 my second UP/UC my mom is more open to talk about it this time, and while I would love to have her here this time, I know that it's not going to happen.  I think that if we were to continue to have kids she would eventually come around, and be at a birth but we are done.  I know it's frustrating to not have your mom on board and supporting you, but agreeing to disagree may be the best thing you can do for yourself and her and your babies.

[Almi]

MsBlack - Thank you so much.  Your thoughtful reply means a lot to me.

MittensKittens - Though I did answer her questions of what can be done in certain situations, she was not asking me because she wanted information.  She was just trying to prove her point that a hospital birth was safer.  Because with every answer I gave her, she had an argument of why it wasn't good enough.  Such as "five minutes might be too long to get to the hospital" or something like that.  Eventually I just had to say to her that nothing I say to her will matter, because she has had kids (and twins) and I haven't, so I'd just be an asshole trying to tell her that I knew better.

rainbow_mandala - No, haven't I said that before?  I'm not looking to change my mom's mind, and I know I won't, and that she'll always think hospital birth is better.  All I was asking for is support - maybe that's the wrong word?  I desperately want HER to attend my birth, but I know that if she can't at least just let me do what I'm going to do, no questions asked, no matter what she thinks, that she can't be there.  And that's where I'm stuck.  I'm sure she'd happily attend my birth (in fact, when I let her know that I was inviting her several months ago, she was totally happy and was like, I'll make sure and practice my catching skills!), but I don't know how she'd handle it.  I think MittensKittens has a point that she may have looked some stuff up, and now she's just scared to have to feel responsible for us.  (But still with the questions she was asking me...wasn't for information, I think they were rhetorical...)

I think this just came as a huge shock to me because my mom usually DOES accept and love me for who I am and doesn't ever argue with my life decisions.

I do have abandonment issues.  But with my father.  When I had a miscarriage last December, instead of being caring, he just told me that he was unhappy that I was still trying.  He thinks I should not have children because I'm bisexual (among other reasons?).  We also got into a big fight about other crap that doesn't even matter.  Now he never makes an effort to be in my life.  Not once has he contacted me throughout this pregnancy to make sure everything is going okay.  I have called him a few times to tell him I was pregnant with twins, and that I was having girls.  He just said he "wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy" when I said I was having twins.  I invited him to my baby shower, and he never gave me a call.  I posted on his Facebook a few days ago that I was sad that he couldn't make it, and that I missed him.  He just gave me a stupid excuse that he got the dates mixed up, that he hopes everything is going okay, and that he misses me too.  I just don't get him.

Marcitrix - Thanks.  I think I still need to talk with her.  Maybe we will get somewhere, and I will still have the birth that I want.  I know she mentioned wanting me to get a midwife a few times before.  Maybe I'll make a deal with her...she finds and pays a midwife, and I'll have a midwife.  Lol.  But listening to what you ladies have to say has definitely awakened some things for me.  I want to share a short texting conversation...and this was after a slightly longer one the previous day where I was feeling pretty shitty:

Me: I'm sorry about yesterday.  I just feel really frustrated and alone.  I love you.

Mom:  I understand.  I love you too.  And you have a lot of people that love you, I hope with this in mind you feel less lonely.

Me:  I know.  I just feel really alone with my birth choices.  I know everyone thinks I'm crazy but they don't know what I know and they're not in my body.  Everyone is so inculcated into thinking there is only one right way.  But what works for others doesn't work for me.  I need people to understand that, and I really want you there when I give birth.  But I can't if you're scared or anxious because it will hinder the birth process.  This is why I need your support.  I don't expect you to agree with me, just need support.

It felt really good to finally just tell her that she can't be there if she's going to be scared or anxious.  That way she at least won't feel hurt if she's not invited to my birth.

[rainbow_mandala]

Oh, I guess I was simply making an assumption that you were still trying to change her mind so that you can get the support you feel you need from her.  I assumed that because, in my eyes, most people just aren't willing or able to give unconditional support when it involves something life-threatening, especially if it involves their own flesh and blood and if the person in question is not treating it the same way they would.  There's so much fear involved for most people, especially if they have their own very real memories about what has happened to them in a similar situation (or what they've seen or heard happen to others).  Fear is often deeply rooted, it can't be eliminated or ignored very easily and it's often very difficult to work through it.  You're probably already aware of this, though, just thought I'd clarify why I assumed what I did.  I'm happy for you that you were able to be straight with her and establish the boundaries you need while you give birth.  I'm interested to see what she says in response :-)

[Almi]

So far she hasn't said anything to that, she changed the subject.  Lol.  But after chatting about random things (via text), I said this:

So are you scared to attend my birth?  You don't have to and I wouldn't want you to if you don't feel comfortable.  If you're still up to the task though we can talk about it more.

She hasn't replied yet...

[TzippityDoulah]

Originally Posted by Gray's Mommy 

I am very sorry you are having to go through this! It sounds very challenging to say the least.

I would like to point out that having this discussion/argument now is better than having her at your birth & not being comfortable. That fear/stress can rub off on you during labor and interrupt your rhythm.

yes, that!   I'm sorry you had to have your dreams dashed of having her there though ... if it makes you feel any better I don't think many moms in the generation before us support us now as UCers. There generation was so hopsital minded... I think it's hard ofr them to move past that.

[Almi]

She finally replied to me saying that we should talk about it more in person.  We both want to have a good conversation.  So maybe I'll get the birth I want after all, and if not, there won't be such hard feelings.