Originally Posted by velochic
Originally Posted by MusicianDad
Originally Posted by happysmileylady
Originally Posted by Honey693
I 'm not that far away from teenager so I need to chime in here. Honestly if they're going to do anything they're going to do it whether it's at a sleepover, a date, parking, etc. And before anyone says it's easier during a sleepover, it's not. It's a lot easier to make out in while parking in some dark parking lot where you don't have to worry about getting caught by your parents than it is when you're in separate rooms, sneaking into one room, trying not to make noise and keep an ear out for parents. When I had sleepovers with my boyfriend in high school we actually slept (and his mom let us sleep in the same room). I just liked staying there b/c I didn't have to worry about driving home late, keeping up my parents (they wouldn't sleep unless I was home b/c they worried about me driving at night) and it was just nice to be that close to someone.
Well, on the subject of easier....Yeah it is easier. I speak from (lots) of experience.
But, that's not really the point. It's not so much a matter of "if the are going to do it, they are going to do it." It's a matter of not providing the opportunity. With teenage hormones, they often AREN'T going to do it...but then the opportunity is there and the hormones are there and suddenly things are happening that they didn't expect.
And really, what are the chances of that happening when the parents are right upstairs? The reason that having rules about when and where they can be and who has to be with them doesn't stop teens from having sex is because it's not all about in the moment happenings. There is often planning that goes into how to do it.
For my niece the chances (with the parents in the next room) turned out to be 100%. Neither she nor her "friend" had a car and were never alone, except for these "slumber parties". It does happen. And many kids, when they have to take the time to plan things out and maneuver to get time to fool around, have some time to THINK about what they are going to do. It gives them a moment to fully understand that they are purposely lying or deceiving to get time to do something of which they are probably not mature enough to handle the consequences. When it's the middle of the night and dark and spur of the moment... because the parents PROVIDED the moment... things can go too far, too fast.
There is a HUGE difference between giving your children the tools to think through these decisions vs. offering up on a golden platter the opportunity to let all of that teaching go down the drain in a flash of hormones. Teaching them is one thing... providing the opportunity is another. You don't have to keep your eye on them 24/7, but you don't have to pretend that a sleepover is absolutely always going to be "platonic".
I've learned some great lessons of what NOT to do from my niece, who informed me that she probably wouldn't have ruined her life if my sister and BIL would have just not allowed the "slumber" parties (at which there was never much slumbering).
But did they provide the tools your niece needed to make other decisions? There is a difference between a teen with complete and factual information about sex and knowledge of how to acquire or access to birth control. I know plenty of people who, as teens, were allowed sleepovers. With people they were dating even, and only one got pregnant as a teen and she doesn't think she ruined her life.
And I'm sorry, but someone who claims, as an adult, that her parents were responsible for what she did at 15 still has some growing up to do. As in realizing that in the end they were her choices. As is often pointed out by the abstinence crowd, teens can and do make the choice not to have sex even in the heat of the moment. It still comes down to whether or not they have the tools they need to make the choice that is right for them. On the other hand, if she was rape at one of the parties, then in the end it's the fault of boy who did it.
That being said, maybe she needs to stop thinking of it in the sense of a ruined life. A child at 15, 16, 17 is not a horrible thing unless you make it one. You being not just the mom in question but those closest to her as well.