Vent: So tired of the judgement

[Partaria]

Sorry to vent here, mamas. Fair warning that's what's about to happen.

I am so rundown and tired of swimming upstream right now. I want a homebirth. I want the birth I choose, not the one chosen for me. But the judgement everwhere is leaving me feeling alone and exhausted.

DH supports the homebirth (this is our first pregnancy), but he is so far the only one (besides, of course, our midwife).

My parents found out and called me stupid and selfish. After that, we didn't even tell his parents we weren't birthing at the hospital.

I made the mistake of mentioning it in the breakroom at work last week. When someone said, "are you going to X hospital in town or Y hospital?" I just said, "neither. I'm going to my living room." That person spent the next 15 minutes telling me all the reasons this was dangerous and why I shouldn't be doing it.

Did I mention said person was a man?

I have so far had to see two people at my HMO during my pregnancy. I had to see them each once, or my insurance wouldn't pay if I had to have an emergency xfer to the hospital.

The second person, an MD, was enraged I had so far refused any ultrasounds (I'm 12 weeks and they've already tried to get me to have two). I told her I wouldn't get one unless my midwife explained to me why I had to have one, and that so far, only my HMO wants one for reasons they will not make clear.

She told me this was not the time for me to be selfish, then suggested I might have a fibroid because I was too big for 12 weeks, thus another reason to "get in there with an US and take a look."

She then tried to find a heartbeat by looking near my belly button with a doppler (my uterus at 12 weeks is no where NEAR there). She stopped because she said she was getting too frustrated and said this is exactly why I needed an ultra sound.

I continued to refuse, saying that it's not that crazy to not be able to locate an HB at 12 weeks, and she abruptly ended our appointment, saying there was no more she could do for me.

Meanwhile, my MIL is breathing down our neck wanting to know the gender of this baby, even though we have said we have no desire to know before the birth. She keeps asking, "well how will you decide how to decorate the nursery?!" I told her, "the baby is going to be somewhere near 20 inches long, Barb. It doesn't need its own room, and we aren't moving out of our one-bedroom apartment. When the baby comes, it will sleep with us." She thought this was "medieval."

I'm just so exhausted. I'm tired of the judgements, the scare stories, the intimidation. I'm ready to just give up on my homebirth because I don't know if I can fight this system anymore.

The cherry on top was an email from my stepsister this morning. She just had a baby, and found out I was pregnant. She had this to say,

"I hope you aren't planning one of those hippie childbirths. That crap has nothing on a nice epidural. Instead of painful contractions every five minutes, I felt nothing! I was reading a magazine and chatting with the nurse the whole time!"

I'm sorry to be negative. I am. I am just ready to give up and I don't know what to do. DH is behind me, but I feel like he and I are alone in this, and I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I want people in my life to tell me how happy they are for us, but instead, they're too busy telling us everything we're doing wrong.

[lyterae]

I couldn't read and not send some hugs your way.. I've kept our homebirthing plans to myself because I don't want to deal with the negativity. I'm a terrible liar, so if I asked I have told. My m-i-l is the one most adamantly against it, especially because it's a VBAC. She asked a few months ago which hospital and I explained we weren't, and yet I keep hearing which doctor and which hospital, and is the doctor okay with you doing xyz...

[Partaria]

It takes so much courage to go for a VBAC. Not because they are inherently dangerous, but because so many will try to instill fear in you about it.

Be proud of yourself mama, and stay strong.

Thanks for the hugs. Right back atcha.

[Youngfrankenstein]

HUGS!

I had a woman at my baby shower tell me how dangerous it was. And I had so many people tell me stories they heard about dead babies....

It's sooooo frustrating having a conversation about this kind of stuff with people who don't understand why you would explore that to begin with. If their first thought is "What's wrong with the hospital" then there are very few people who will listen to the facts.

Not every woman wants to or should give birth at home. I did and I did my research, had a supportive and educated mw and dh....Why do random people become birth experts?

[lynsage]

IT SUCKS when people can't be supportive. But you know what, what really matters in the end isn't what anyone else thinks or says. You just have to put your helmet on and not let them get to you.

Even if you and DH are alone in this, that's two people in the world who are committed to the choice you made for yourself and your baby. If people make negative comments, just refuse to talk to them about your birth choices anymore after that.

I got the opportunity to ask bell hooks a question at a talk she gave once. I asked her how to deal with it when "the world" seems like it's against you. The gist of her reply was that's when people say crap like "What do you think you're DOING?!", that's when you know you're doing something RIGHT and have to keep going, because ignorant people can't stand to see progress and individuality.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein

I had a woman at my baby shower tell me how dangerous it was. And I had so many people tell me stories they heard about dead babies....

Whenever people start in on me with their anecdotal dead baby stories, I tell them to go home and Google the lady in Florida who went into the hospital to have a baby and came out with no arms or legs. I have yet to meet a "but the hospital is so much SAFER than your house" person that isn't stopped in their tracks by that story.

[Partaria]

I adore bell hooks. What a marvelous reply she gave. I will remember that.

Thank you for the support. It is hard to swim against the tide. But ultimately, I hope it's worth it. I think this might be easier if we'd had a hospital birth already, and could keep telling ourselves- no, no, we know that's not for us. But this is my first baby, and it's easy to let people get to me when they tell me how painful it will be, how naive I am, blah blah blah.

Thank goodness for the internet. I wouldn't even know there were other women like me out there without MDC.

[rad]

I've just got to give you lots of (((hugs))). I kept our birth plans to myself with my first baby. I noticed early on that everyone always had something negative to say. If you came back with fact and research, then it turned into a "just wait and see once your in labor". Was it really so hard to just say good luck and offer support? But I will say that all those people helped me thorugh labor. I was not going to give them the satisfaction of seeing me fail. Hang in there. It sounds like you know what is right for you. You and your DH will just have to weather all the negativity together.

[Youngfrankenstein]

[QUOTE=rad;16028587 Was it really so hard to just say good luck and offer support? [/QUOTE]

THIS a million times....to every situation!

[janinemh]

Originally Posted by Partaria

I adore
Thank goodness for the internet. I wouldn't even know there were other women like me out there without MDC.

Could your midwife connect you with some other mom's doing home birth so you don't feel so alone?

[vtamanda]

Stick to your guns and do what you believe in. Try your best to ignore negative comments.

I had some issues with my family when I was planning a birth center birth with my first child. Strangely enough, they were all supportive when my Sister planned the same thing 11 months later. And I haven't heard a word about the homebirth I am planning this time being a bad idea. EIther they are supportive or they are keeping their mouths shut.

I imagine that I would encounter some negative comments at work. I did with the birth center birth. BUT I am now SAHM and all of my mom friends have reacted with couriousity and interest. SOme are suprised you can do that, others want to know more about it. ANd yes, I have gotten a few "you are braver/stronger/more whatever than I am".

But I feel like it isn't something I should be quiet about. It is a choice that everyone should have and everyone should be aware of. I am actually surprised I haven't gotten more negative comments.

Stay strong!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Do what you feel is best, mama!!

One bit of advice would be to do a little soul searching to be sure you're not feeling divisive or defensive and, therefore, somehow influencing how people are reacting to you. I have experienced that myself from time to time.

As far as people's reactions -- they need to know that you are choosing what is right for you and your child. If they can't understand that, don't know you well enough to know that, or don't feel that you are capable of making the right choice...hum...I think I may have to censor. ;-)

I will say that for my first birth I didn't have any people nearly as rude as you but my in laws were definitely shocked by the idea of homebirth. Luckily for me they were smart enough...or scared enough to not mess with me unless they got themselves educated. I told them some books they could read and that was the end of it.

Do you mind my asking if you live in a conservative area?

I agree with talking to your midwife and asking her to set you up with some other 1st time mamas who are having a homebirth.

Don't give up on what you want!! The advice I gave my cousin who was lamenting all the challenges of pregnancy choice was that this is all prep for being a mother. One day, maybe several years down the road (maybe sooner) you are going to have to stand up to way more pressure than this so that you can support your child. May as well practice now.

I hope that's not too pragmatic. Stay strong!!

[peainthepod]

Oh, mama. Why do these people feel entitled to say such awful things to you? It's time to do some serious work on your boundaries--it'll be good practice for after the baby comes and everyone and their dog thinks they should tell you how to raise your child(ren).

Become a master of the following phrase: "Hmm, that's interesting. Well, I have to go now."

It works in person. It works on the phone. It works with doctors. It works with family. It works with coworkers, that nosy lady in line at the grocery store, and the guy who fixes your car whose wife just had a C-section. It's universal and there's no way to argue with it, because it leaves no room for further argument.

"Hmm, that's interesting. Well, I have to go now." *click*

Protect your headspace and do not let people spew their garbage all over you. Has your stepsister ever had a natural vaginal birth? If not, how does she know whether the epidural birth would be better? Has that MD ever even seen a natural birth at home? If not, what does she know about it? Does ANY man have the first clue about what it really means to give birth vaginally? No? "Hmm, that's interesting. Well, I have to go now." And then you walk away, hang up, or leave the room. It really is that simple.

Oh, and people tend to stop scaremongering you once you've actually given birth at home. It's hard to argue with results. You can do this. Your body was made to do this. You are going to do this. Start screening your calls and don't be afraid to shut negative people out. DO NOT let them pollute your headspace with their own weird emotional problems and mental issues. You are not a public dumping ground for their ignorance and fears, and you don't have to listen to someone just because they want to talk at you. Walk away, hang up the phone, leave the room, and hold your head high. You don't need their approval. Their opinions are totally irrelevant.

Or, as Mark Twain best put it, "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

You are going to do this, and it's going to be awesome!

[Panonim]

So sorry you're going through that crap, mama. You've just made me appreciate my friends and family who were (although not necessarily enthusiastic), much more respectful.

No wonder it is wearing on you so much, to have everyone around you beating you down.

Do you know about the Hypnobabies program? If not, check it out. Even if you are not interested in the hypnosis-for-pain-relief part of it, it also includes a component called the Bubble of Peace. It's specifically helps you deal with negativity surrounding you, "dead baby" stories, anything that is NOT helping you achieve your goal. It gives you tools to be able to block that crap out and NOT let it affect your focus on your birth.

Good luck to you.

[rad]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

Oh, and people tend to stop scaremongering you once you've actually given birth at home. It's hard to argue with results. You can do this. Your body was made to do this. You are going to do this. Start screening your calls and don't be afraid to shut negative people out. DO NOT let them pollute your headspace with their own weird emotional problems and mental issues. You are not a public dumping ground for their ignorance and fears, and you don't have to listen to someone just because they want to talk at you. Walk away, hang up the phone, leave the room, and hold your head high. You don't need their approval. Their opinions are totally irrelevant.

Yes, this is so true. Now that I've had 5 homebirths people don't bother me at all. I do always find it funny that every pg, I still get asked if I'm doing a homebirth this time. Why wouldn't I? It was a fantastic experience. Why bother with the hospital when I obviously can do it at my home. Do just focus on that end result, a beautiful homebirth. Try to avoid all the negative people as much as possible. I've noticed as I near the end of pg, I naturally try to stay clear of people are not willing to offer support since I don't want them contaminating me so to speak.

[mum4vr]

so sorry you get to hear other people's ignorant comments-- it's the last thing you need or want to hear! grrr.

Originally Posted by Partaria

...But ultimately, I hope it's worth it. I think this might be easier if we'd had a hospital birth already, and could keep telling ourselves- no, no, we know that's not for us. But this is my first baby, and it's easy to let people get to me when they tell me how painful it will be, how naive I am, blah blah blah...

ok, yes, it will be painful, but it is a loving and strong act for your child, and it is such a beautiful thing-- I am sorry so few women in our day and locale take the opportunity to experience such a bonding moment with their child and husband-- but YOU have decided to

I have had a hospital birth, and while I love my DS and did from the start, the birth itself was very traumatic for both of us. My births w my MW were so nurturing and lovely for all involved, if I'd known the difference, I would have moved across the country just to deliver DS1 with her!

Originally Posted by peainthepod

Oh, mama. Why do these people feel entitled to say such awful things to you? It's time to do some serious work on your boundaries--it'll be good practice for after the baby comes and everyone and their dog thinks they should tell you how to raise your child(ren).

Become a master of the following phrase: "Hmm, that's interesting. Well, I have to go now."

...

You are going to do this, and it's going to be awesome!

this exactly!

and if for any reason, the above phrase does not work, I have found the following helpful, "I don't recall you doing the pushing when this child was born." Or for now, you may have to phrase it in the future-- you are the mama, not them! You and your DH both agree, so it's none of their biz! If they are this pushy now, just wait, ita w PIP about brushing up on the boundaries now bc pushy people will push about other stuff later. So sorry they're doing it now when you feel defenseless, tho!

[LisaSedai]

stick to your guns mama.
birthing choices are in the same category as religion & politics...most of the time you are better off keeping the lid on any non mainstream ideas unless you like heated pointless debates. Never going to change the naysayers minds and YOU don't need to hear their negative opinions. IMHO when someone opens their mouth to tell you how you should be having your baby you should tell them you don't want to discuss it and if they continue just walk away.

Most of those who sing the praises of epidurals have never had a natural childbirth to compare it to.

[ariatrance]

You are not swimming upstream. You are doing what our species has done (and still does) for millenia. It is the other people who are fighting the natural order.

I would get a copy of "The Business of Being Born" (by Ricki Lake) and watch it over and over and over and over again. There are a few women documented who had their first births at home.

Also, do not underestimate the well-timed release of pregnancy hormones on the naysayers, if you are feeling up to a little moodiness. Unleash all the rage/sadness/frustration on them - then you can apologize later for your hormones taking control. Seriously. I've let my MIL have it a few times in my last pregnancy when the 'vbac thing' came up. I would just rant and rant - she finally understood my true feelings about the subject after a few of those and never said anything negative again. Pregnancy hormones are like a 'get out of jail free' card - take advantage, if you feel up to it.

[Lauren82]

It is hard when people start up with their horror stories and scare tactics. Following through with what you want and believe in is so worth it though.

[MnMtm]

I have never had a hospital birth, and with our first DS, the comments were the worst. Everyone I talked to thought that they knew better than I did. Luckily, I am a bit of a debator, and although I do not sek out confrontation, I do not have a problem dealing with it. As for the selfish comments, I would tell them that considering the statistically homebirth is safer, than a hospital birth, it seems to me that the selfish thing to do is to plan a routine hospital birth complete with room service and a "nice epidural," for your childbirth experience rather than actually doing research and makring the more difficult decision of going against the cultural mainstream, and refusing all pain medication in order to set your child up for the safest birth possible.

I did eventually get sick of it last time. This time, now that we are expecting our second, and again planning a homebirth, people have a lot fewer negative comments. This is especially true with family. They all admit to feeling "more comfortable" with it this time around. In fact, one SIL (much to my brother's dismay,) says she really, really wants to have a homebirth herself if they have another baby.

I have only a few words of advice for you. First of all, hang in there! You'll be so glad you did it this way, and your next homebirth probably won't yield as moany comments. Secondly, don't call anyone but your midwife when you are in labor! Wait until after the baby is born and you have had some bonding time before you call anyone! DH and I were so glad that we did that last time!