Vent: So tired of the judgement - Page 4

[TyrantOfTheWeek]

Originally Posted by honeybee 

Hugs. But you know what? You would be getting this same kind of crap even if you weren't planning a homebirth. For some reason, people think a first time mom is fair game to be dictated to. I had a hospital birth with my first, but still got crap for planning an unmedicated birth, not using an OB (I had a family practitioner), and not getting a routine ultrasound. And then of course, there were all the parenting decisions that first year. The logistics of breastfeeding alone were enough to throw my MIL into a tizzy. So, giving up on your dream of a homebirth is not going to rectify the situation. There will always be something else.

Have you tried asking your midwife if she might be willing to see if any of her other clients would be willing to meet you? There are probably other mamas feeling just as alone. You could also try going to a LLL meeting to find more support, even while pregnant. LLL is where I first met people who had homebirths.

Good luck.

Oh yeah, the bold is extremely true. FTMs catch a lot of crap from people that know "best"

Trust your intuition and not everyone else. FTMs are not stupid and they can figure out their own "right" ways of doing stuff.
 

[4 in 2005]

Originally Posted by NewSolarMomma 

Honestly, there will be people complaining no matter what you choose. You cannot make this decision based on other peoples opinions- even if you went with the hospital, you would hear a different set of worries and complaints. Some people cannot help themselves, and it isnt their business anyway! You cannot please everyone, so make sure to please yourself! It IS your body and your choice, all I can say is make sure you feel confident in your decision and don't be afraid to read things that you don't agree with. being informed does not mean only learning from sources you agree with! If you know both sides well you will feel stronger when it comes to your personal choices.
 

HOW TRUE!!!!  Esp with your first.  When I was pg with my first I was 19 and I knew so little I read everything I could get my hands on about childbirth/parenting etc.  I read things from all schools of thought to try to figure out what I felt aligned with what I believed.  That got me comments. 

I said I was going to "TRY" for a med free birth.  I was told that could never happen that there was no need to do that.   (And my motivation was not a better bonding experience/better delivery etc... my motivation was HECK no was I going to let anyone near my spine with a needle.  I was more afraid of the needle than I was the pain.  So I saw it my option to go pain med free was more one of fear then of empowerment back then.)  

I said I was going to nurse and I got flack for that.  

That was when I learned that I was going to keep my personal parenting choices private.   I don't care if my friends want an elective c-section with all the trimmings if they know the risks involved (it is when they tell me there are no risks that I get irked) I feel we all make the best choices for us and our children and as long as they are not being abusive then what place is it of mine to say anything.  Sadly the same respect is not given to those choosing the non medically managed route.  

This will be my 6th child and sadly my 1st homebirth.  However I have talked about homebirth so much and how safe it is and how awesome it is for so long that I bet no one will be shocked to learn that is the route I am going.   (WOW I am so excited to type that.)  Well my b/f's parents might be a little caught off guard since they don't know me that well.  

Hugs and best wishes.   And when your SIL starts in on how wonderful an epidural is my attitude is "Well I am so happy that you had the birth that you wanted and that it was great for you."  And I usually leave it at that.  That is what I tell my SIL when she would tell me how I should get an epidural cause they are wonderful. 

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by TyrantOfTheWeek 

Originally Posted by honeybee 

Hugs. But you know what? You would be getting this same kind of crap even if you weren't planning a homebirth. For some reason, people think a first time mom is fair game to be dictated to. I had a hospital birth with my first, but still got crap for planning an unmedicated birth, not using an OB (I had a family practitioner), and not getting a routine ultrasound. And then of course, there were all the parenting decisions that first year. The logistics of breastfeeding alone were enough to throw my MIL into a tizzy. So, giving up on your dream of a homebirth is not going to rectify the situation. There will always be something else.

Have you tried asking your midwife if she might be willing to see if any of her other clients would be willing to meet you? There are probably other mamas feeling just as alone. You could also try going to a LLL meeting to find more support, even while pregnant. LLL is where I first met people who had homebirths.

Good luck.

Oh yeah, the bold is extremely true. FTMs catch a lot of crap from people that know "best"

Trust your intuition and not everyone else. FTMs are not stupid and they can figure out their own "right" ways of doing stuff.
 

LOL - I just have to say, even though I now have a DS who is over 2, I'm STILL getting some of that, "Oh just you wait, Meg, YOU HAVE NO IDEA! You're so clueless! You're totally naive & ignorant of what is coming for you."

This was in regards to having 2 kids. I think the exact words were something like, "Oh, just wait until you have 2! You don't know what you're in for." Those were her exact words or something really close.

Yeah, whatever. It gets so tiresome & tedious to tell me I have no idea. If you have some helpful tip, sure, offer it up, but don't act like I'm a moron & I can't possible have anywhere near the depth of insight you possess!

Sure, I've never BTDT, but as my Mom says, you learn on-the-job with parenting.

Just be wary of those people who have to constantly act like anyone who hasn't walked a mile in their shoes is clueless. I have to wonder about that viewpoint in life... While I certainly don't want tons of unsolicited advice, I also wouldn't automatically dismiss anything out of the mouth of a childless person! There certainly could be some interesting fact they know that can benefit me. To totally dismiss them because they haven't personally lived it is short-sighted & silly.

[Partaria]

Yes! That's SO the attitude I can't stand. The "oh you're so naive, just WAIT!" talk.

It's incredibly patronizing and not at all supportive. I really cannot understand what people want to communicate or accomplish when they say things like that. What's the point? To scare me? To make me feel unprepared?

On top of birth choices and unsolicited advice/scare tactics about parenting, I'm also finding that, according to some, I'm not even having the right emotions during my pregnancy.

My sister in law, for example, is very perky. That's fine, that's who she is. But I'm not like that. She keeps telling me to "cherish" this time being pregnant, how wonderful and miraculous it is, and how when she was pregnant she felt so full of blessings and life, on and on. I told her that I don't feel that way and don't expect to, since "cherishing" stuff um, isn't really in my makeup. I can enjoy, love, bask, all that. But I'm not a cherisher. :)

She told me not to be down on myself.

What?! I was so insulted. I'm just experiencing my pregnancy my own way, I'm not lamenting that I am not having the pregnancy my sister in law did. Being pregnant, I feel like myself, but thirstier all the time and with a bigger tummy. That's it. I'm not unhappy to be having a kid. I'm not saying being pregnant is horrible and awful. I just don't feel pregnant the way she felt pregnant. Which seems pretty logical to me since we are different people. Right?

I tried to relate this to a friend recently who said, "Well Ann, is there anything positive about being pregnant for you? Being pregnant is a blessing, you know, and you should be happy."

Sheeesh. Sorry seeing two lines on the pee stick didn't turn me into Gaia herself. I am happy. I guess I'm just not showing it enough for these people. Good heavens.

Why can't people just see that every pregnant woman isn't the same? We're all as different as we were before we got pregnant. We all experience life in our own way. Why would being pregnant be any different?

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by Partaria 

Yes! That's SO the attitude I can't stand. The "oh you're so naive, just WAIT!" talk.

It's incredibly patronizing and not at all supportive. I really cannot understand what people want to communicate or accomplish when they say things like that. What's the point? To scare me? To make me feel unprepared?

LOL, yeah, this is really something that drives me bonkers - I'm so glad I'm not the only one who finds it patronizing & insulting-- not to mention just... WRONG anyway. Just because you've lived your life doesn't make you so much more knowledgeable & prepared to know exactly what is coming for me anyway.

Honestly, I don't think they're trying to accomplish anything when they say that. This is going to sound mean, but I think people who say that feel the need to feel superior - and, I would guess they are actually very insecure. (Hence wanting to try to feel superior to feel better.) If the only leg you have to stand on is, "I HAVE BTDT... therefore my knowledge is superior to yours," well, then you probably don't actually have a lot of confidence in your actual level of knowledge - if experience is your sole asset. After all, lots of people experience something without actually learning a darn thing from that experience. Experience doesn't necessarily make you smart or more knowledgeable! (Heck, the very fact that you don't realize YMMV belies a lack of wisdom.)

& I definitely think there is an element of wanting to scare other people. Maybe they think, 'I had an awful time with XYZ challenge in life, so Meg is going to also have an awful time too, also be blind-sided, also be unprepared & therefore have a shocking struggle too." (Going back to that insecurity thing there.... they don't want to think others might have an easier time than they did.)

The first time I really remember observing this phenomenon is my last 2 years of college. I remember so many recent grads saying, "OH JUST WAIT until you graduate. THE REAL WORLD SUCKS! Stay in college as long as you can." And I graduated in '99 so the job market was fantastic!! Dot Com boom still in full swing (I can imagine it was much rougher for new college grads in 2008.) I started to feel like I should get cards of condolences instead of congratulations upon graduation!

Well, ya know what, my life has gotten nothing but better since I earned my Bachelor's degree! :D I didn't realize it at the time, but those people were projecting their misery onto me. They weren't wise enough to realize that just because the "real world" sucked FOR THEM, doesn't mean it sucks for everyone! Not everyone's experience in life will equal yours! Ya know, the good old "your mileage may vary."

After the tough time I had senior year of college when I grew to really dread graduating, I came to have a serious distaste for people who project their miserable experiences on to others & presume that everyone will also experience the same misery at the same milestone. & I get really defensive for friends when I see people doing it to them.
 

Now, that is not to say I have a problem with someone giving me advice based on a miserable experience they did have. But there is a MASSIVE DIFFERENCE between saying, "Oh, graduation was tough for me. I wish I had prepared more in advance - had my resume ready before graduation - searched harder for a good roommate." OK, I can learn from that. Cool. That is worlds away from saying, "Oh, the real world sucks! Don't graduate."

LOL, OK, enough of my ranting.

As for cherishing pregnancy - HUMPH! Seriously? I find those statements a touch insensitive as someone who has had a really rough time. I was so ill, I literally couldn't function. I was too sick to do laundry, let alone care for my 2 YO son. So I would have been quite peeved if someone said, "Oh Meg, cherish this time!" I actually grew a bit depressed because I wasn't able to act as a mother, wife, friend & daughter, decent employee at my FT job, decent aerobics instructor at my once-a-week PT job, let alone act as a GOOD wife, mother, etc. Don't tell me to 'cherish' that!

I'm better now (this went from 7-17 weeks), but not 100%. I will be happy when this is over. I'm happy to be having this baby, but I want this pregnancy over with & there is nothing "wrong" with me, my feelings, or my abilities as a mother because I'm not loving the physical experience of gestating this time around. PG with DS was awesome. :( It's only sucked this time with DD here.

Besides, gestating is hard work! It's not easy in the best of pregnancies, so there's nothing wrong with not 'cherishing' it.

[Partaria]

Meg, I want to quote your entire post and put a underneath.

Amen, sister. AMEN.

I love love your line "your mileage may vary." I am going to think of that phrase now every time someone tries to tell me how awful something is going to be for me. I totally agree with you- BIG difference between saying "this was hard for me cause of X, Y, and Z" and saying, "you will fail because I found it hard."

You know, come to think of it, people gave me this kind of advice when I was getting married to DH. People told me my life would be "over" and how I would be giving up on some vague notion of adventure or something, how I would come to envy my single friends, blah blah. I was so fearful during our engagement because I was convinced these things were true!

For me they turned out to be lies, all lies. Partnered life has its challenges, but they are no more insurmountable than any challenges I faced as a single person. They are juts a different shape, you know? I wouldn't trade in my relationship with DH for anything in this entire world. Even when we're fighting. 

Also, here's something else to think about. A friend of mine recently read one of my blog posts about this exact issue. The whole "parenting is terrifying!" bit. She said she had people tell her the same stuff. And after her baby came, she said it wasn't NEARLY as hard for her as people said it would be. She said, "I remember thinking back on these people who said that babies are hellish to be around and thinking- what the ****? don't these people know how to cuddle?"

I want that last line on a tshirt. What the ****? Don't you know how to cuddle?

[happythingie]

I guess I had been lucky so far not to receive too much grief. A couple good friend understand my position, DH is totally for home birth, midwife is wonderful, I meet monthly with the group of women who gave birth at home or are going to. We do not have much family, so I do not have to deal with them. My parents oversears do not even know how I will give birth, and I am not going to tell them anything. I mentioned to a few people at work, they seemed indifferent, were not very approving or disapproving, just had blank stares. . . overall, I am very happy, and baby will be coming in a month.

I also refused the 20 week Ultra Sound, and that decision seemed to surprise more people than the decision to have a home birth.

In general, I really do not care what others say or think, nor do I try to discuss much with them. I try to advocate natural and home birth as much as I can, but beyond that, it doe snot bother what others think about my birth.

I wish all the Home Birth mamas lots of strenght and stand for your cause, stand for your rights, and your babies!!!!!!!!!

[mdnaturalmama]

I could've written this post myself. Even tho I'm so not glad that you're getting this crap from ppl I am glad that I'm not the only one. Do what's right for you and your family. Hugs mama.

[4 in 2005]

OHH My gosh I HATE being pg!!! I hate it I hate it I hate it!   So  I guess I don't cherish this time well.  ;)   I normally suffer from hyper emesis.   I can't keep anything down and have had to deal with Drs and ERs and I hate that.  I feel like that should not be a part of being pregnant.   This time I can keep down lunch but forget breakfast and dinner.  I snack all day because it helps with the morning sickness and that is hit and miss what will happen. My dentist thought I was bulimic because of the damage 6 pregancies of hyper emesis has done to my teeth.   So what am I supposed to cherish about that?  

You know why I do it, because my kids are worth every bit of this trauma.  

And on the being treated like you know nothing about parenting... my favorite my ex-sil liked to treat me like I was a novice parent because my daughter was a year younger than her son.  What she would overlook was that the daughter that was younger than her son was my 3rd child!  

[eirual]

If only closed minds came with closed mouths!

[Renai]

Originally Posted by eirual 

If only closed minds came with closed mouths!

Man, I love this quote! I think I'm going to post it as my facebook status some time soon, lol!

And ya know, I'm not all giddy about being pregnant either. I enjoy it, in small ways, but I'm not exactly dancing in the streets. I'm quietly happy. People expect more a reaction I think when they mention my pregnancy, I'm just like, "yep. I'm pregnant. No we don't know what the sex is. We're doing fine." It confuses people not to be jumping for joy. There is an 11 year gap between my first, and this one is my second. I've accepted this as a part of life, even though I do feel children are a blessing.

[Partaria]

I enjoy it, in small ways, but I'm not exactly dancing in the streets. I'm quietly happy.

YES. That's exactly how I feel. Not like, upset about it. But not completely effervescent daily, as though Ed McMahon visited my house every morning with a giant check.

Really, my life right now isn't that different except I miss beer (I'm in Wisconsin where the beer is plentiful and yummy) and my tummy is rounder.