How to love the child you HAVE while still encouraging positive behavior?

[KLM99]

If given the choice of what to do with her free time, my 3yo DD would pretty much always prefer to stay home and do puzzles and read books or other quiet inside activities with just one of her usual caregivers (me, her au pair, her dad, her grandma, etc.). Her grandma will do whatever my DD wants with her at all times, but when she's with her au pair and it's a lovely day out, our au pair would of course like to go the playground or have a playdate or something. I would too when I'm with her - sometimes it's more fun just to get out and I want her to have social interaction. She likes other kids fine and gets along with them, but prefers adults for some reason.

Anyway, this seems like a relatively minor issue, but it got me thinking about how much to "push" or encourage a child to do something you think they should do versus when to just let them be who they are. I'm inclined to make her come out with me and meet other kids. But at what point do I just let her do whatever she wants with what is essentially HER free time.

Anyway. How do you encourage your kids to be different than who they really are or to try something new? In what ways are your kids different than what you wish they were or think they should be?

[heatherdeg]

I think it's a "choose your battles" situation. And really, I guess that anything that made my kid absolutely miserable might not be a battle worth choosing, or may be a battle for another stage in their life when they're better able to cope with it. If you're going to push them to the point of misery for something that's not a serious (possibly "correctable"**) developmental issue, then I would seriously think about how big a deal it is.

**Note: the above statement on "correctable" should not be misconstrued to think that I feel all developmental issues should be corrected vs. accepted. That being said, in cases where a developmental issue can be helped/improved/minimized/"corrected" and would result in a better quality of life/less frustration or hurt for the child--I happen to be all for it.

[ollyoxenfree]

I don't think the issue is how to love the child(ren) I have. I love my children absolutely. It's about accepting who they are. First, I have to recognize that my children are individuals, not miniature replicas of me. They will have different likes and dislikes than I will. If I accept my friends who have different likes and dislikes and opinions, then I can extend that acceptance to my own children.

Having recognized that they are different, the issue becomes one of making sure that they are not limiting themselves and that they also accept and tolerate differences. I'll give them lots of opportunities to try new things, encourage them to remain open-minded, and be enthusiastic when they move outside their comfort zone. I ultimately try to respect their individual needs and choices regarding quiet time and social interactions.

Some children who prefer to remain inside with familiar people have a tough time with transitions to new activities. I'd try to manage those transitions. I'd explain the plans and try to get some buy-in from the child, give advanced notice before it's time to go, stay attuned to any discomfort or stress and remain reassuring, and have an alternative plan in place in case things aren't going well.

Having children with diverse preferences tends to help, since they learn to compromise and cooperate with each other's interests. If one wants to try martial arts or animation, it's easy to sign them both up for a trial lesson. Sometimes the less interested child is the one that gets hooked on the new activity and the other moves on to something else.

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm... I'm reading this after TWICE last week trying to drag DS out in the sunshine. Part of our issue is that he doesn't understand that we don't have many nice warm days left & it gets dark too early to go out later now.

I do think fresh air & exercise is vitally important, but I don't think it should make a child miserable in the process... Have you guys tried bringing books & puzzles to the park? She could spend some time doing quiet/1-on-1 activities but still benefit from the fresh air & sunshine, and maybe she'd then be inclined to venture over to the playground for a bit as well. Maybe change up the playdates to include reading or a story hour... and consider other activities she may enjoy like visiting a museum or something. Basically, find a balance between what she wants to do & what you'd prefer she does. I think it's OK too to say, "I know you'd rather say at home but I would really like to go to the playground for a few hours." In other words, as long as she has enough time at some point in the day to pursue what she's more interested in, I don't think you need to make the whole day revolve around her interests.

I absolutely need to get out at least once a day. Occasionally I end up going out alone once DH gets home, but most of the time I drag DS along with me, and he benefits from it as well. I think it's just a matter of compromising to find what activities you would BOTH enjoy.

I don't see this as a 'loving the child you have' issue, but more of a 'exposing your child to all the things you feel are important' issue as well as a 'meeting your own needs AND your child's' issue. I love that DS wants to sit & read and play with me all day. But I don't want to do that ALL DAY so we do other things I think he'd enjoy too, and he almost always DOES enjoy them, though he might resist the initial transition!

[pianojazzgirl]

I think in this situation it's not just a matter of how *she* spends her "free time", but also how that impacts how others get to spend their time. I'd certainly try and honour the need/want of a child to get a lot of quiet time, engaging in quiet activities (I lean that way myself!), but I think there needs to be balance within the family. Sometimes the caregiver has the need for social interaction, fresh air, going out to run errands, etc, and that should hold some weight too. By all means, I would never suggest pushing her into a hundred and one activities, to which she is dragged kicking and screaming. But, after spending a fair chunk of time reading books in the living room the caregiver decides "ok, we need to get out of the house and get some fresh air at the park", then that is totally OK. In fact a caregiver who always puts her or his needs second to the child will quickly turn into a grumpy, frustrated caregiver. It's all about finding balance...

[cjam]

OMG, I could have written this post. We are struggling with exactly the same problem. DD4 never wants to go out and do fun stuff, just stay home and play with her stuffies or blocks. DD5, on the other hand, loves going out to the park, hiking, the beach etc. It's so frusterating. We live near to the woods. I like to go out at least once a week and see what wildflowers are blooming. It's a 10 minute walk. DD5 can't wait to go. DD4 cries and kicks and screams. It's like she doesn't fit in with our family. I refuse to spend the rest of my life cooped up in the house because that's what she wants. I have some success if I warn her ahead of time, eg. "You can play in your room for the next hour but then we are going for a family hike and I expect you to come and be happy. No crying aloud." And then there's DD5 who would love to spend every waking minute on a new adventure.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

I think in this situation it's not just a matter of how *she* spends her "free time", but also how that impacts how others get to spend their time. I'd certainly try and honour the need/want of a child to get a lot of quiet time, engaging in quiet activities (I lean that way myself!), but I think there needs to be balance within the family. Sometimes the caregiver has the need for social interaction, fresh air, going out to run errands, etc, and that should hold some weight too. By all means, I would never suggest pushing her into a hundred and one activities, to which she is dragged kicking and screaming. But, after spending a fair chunk of time reading books in the living room the caregiver decides "ok, we need to get out of the house and get some fresh air at the park", then that is totally OK. In fact a caregiver who always puts her or his needs second to the child will quickly turn into a grumpy, frustrated caregiver. It's all about finding balance...

Yep. My DS was like that and, after hours daily, I would go stir crazy. I really really needed to get out. And that was ok. It couldn't always be about him all the time. Mama needed fresh air and a walk in the park. In a family, it is all about trying as much as possible to meet everyone's needs and, at 3.5, I think it's at least possible to explain that to a kid in a gentle, positive way.