The name calling is not stopping - Page 2

[LynnS6]

Oh, and I meant to add, but forgot, in several places you've talked about her making the wrong 'choices'. I would argue that complete loss of control is not a choice. Clearly she needs some remediation in terms of how to regulate her feelings, but I think that you can't view it as her choosing to say hateful things. (You probably don't, but sometimes our word choices reveal hidden assumptions.)

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Oh, and I meant to add, but forgot, in several places you've talked about her making the wrong 'choices'. I would argue that complete loss of control is not a choice. Clearly she needs some remediation in terms of how to regulate her feelings, but I think that you can't view it as her choosing to say hateful things. (You probably don't, but sometimes our word choices reveal hidden assumptions.)

Yeah, it's almost like it isnt a choice when she loses self control.

At 7 years old though- hitting her brother is a choice. She isnt 3 and she isnt a wild animal.

I know kids can have problems with impulse control sometimes, but this is way to frequent.
 

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Oh, and I meant to add, but forgot, in several places you've talked about her making the wrong 'choices'. I would argue that complete loss of control is not a choice. Clearly she needs some remediation in terms of how to regulate her feelings, but I think that you can't view it as her choosing to say hateful things. (You probably don't, but sometimes our word choices reveal hidden assumptions.)

Yeah, it's almost like it isnt a choice when she loses self control.

At 7 years old though- hitting her brother is a choice. She isnt 3 and she isnt a wild animal.

I know kids can have problems with impulse control sometimes, but this is way to frequent.
 

I agree that it needs to be stopped, but right now, her impulse control skills appear to be those of a 2-3 year old when she's upset. So, what can you do to help her self-regulate? Thinking that she 'should' be over this isn't going to help, because she's not. Treating her developmentally where she's at will, eventually. But I wonder if she needs some outside help for this.

[oaktreemama]

Have you tried role playing with her? I wonder if practicing situations that cause her to fly off the handle when she is calm could help.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Oh, and I meant to add, but forgot, in several places you've talked about her making the wrong 'choices'. I would argue that complete loss of control is not a choice. Clearly she needs some remediation in terms of how to regulate her feelings, but I think that you can't view it as her choosing to say hateful things. (You probably don't, but sometimes our word choices reveal hidden assumptions.)

Yeah, it's almost like it isnt a choice when she loses self control.

At 7 years old though- hitting her brother is a choice. She isnt 3 and she isnt a wild animal.

I know kids can have problems with impulse control sometimes, but this is way to frequent.
 

I agree that it needs to be stopped, but right now, her impulse control skills appear to be those of a 2-3 year old when she's upset. So, what can you do to help her self-regulate? Thinking that she 'should' be over this isn't going to help, because she's not. Treating her developmentally where she's at will, eventually. But I wonder if she needs some outside help for this.

About 95% of the time, I do tell myself that she is unable to self regulate in her comfort zone.

There are times where I just feel like I cant deal with it anymore. That's when I lose my cool and say to her that she is 7 years old and can't act like this.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by oaktreemama 

Have you tried role playing with her? I wonder if practicing situations that cause her to fly off the handle when she is calm could help.

Yes, we do it with dolls all the time. She calmly and maturely deals with every problem.

She has no idea I'm role playing though, or she wouldnt participate.

For everyone else's problems she is logical.

For her's she is off the wall.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by mom2grrls 

Does she have a journal?  Perhaps she could channel those words into writing when the feeling hits rather than saying them outloud.

 Yes, and it's filled with all kinds of love and hate.

[fuzzylogic]

My youngest was like this.  Bit, kicked, you name it, 2nd and third and even 5th grade.  Restraint hold if she throws things or breaks things, the stop pause redirect AS SOON AS YOU SEE IT STARTING.  I train dogs, too---and for lack of a better analogy, before 2 dogs start fighting, one of them is usually staring at the other, etc.  You need to find her equivalent pre-signal of this behaviour and interrupt it then.  Do not let it escalate.  She may start to mutter, stare, fume---whatever.  At that point, physically remove her from the area:  Go to your room until you are in control.  You may come out when and only when you can treat us with respect. 

It isn't a punishment.  Your goal is that eventually she will learn to remove herself from a situation if she cannot control her temper.  In the meantime, just like an untrained pup, you need to keep her from self-rewarding:  believe it or not, that explosive screaming release is very very self-reinforcing.  Identify a downstairs area, small and confined and without anything you care if it gets broken---ask me how I know it will get broken!--and take her there.  Remind her later that she can take herself if she doesn't like to be taken, but don't attempt to discuss anything with a kid so clearly over threshold.

BTW, the same kid is now a Marine, fine upstanding young woman who has been meritoriously promoted.  No longer any temper issues, her control is better than mine.

[oaktreemama]

Do you role play with her rather than dolls? She is old enough I think to play a role herself rather than use a third object as representation for her.

[The4OfUs]

I have ot agree with fuzzylogic - I think this mama has done everything gentle and "right" that she can, but her daughter needs flat out retraining of her brain.....not in a punishing, you're bad kind of way - I would be very, very up front with my kiddo if I was going to embark on something like this, but I thikn she's so temperamentally hardwired to do this and it has become a habit, that needs to be short circuited and talking or modeling or roleplaying is not going to help in the heat of the moment because she's 7, not an adult.  This mom has already tried getting all of it out in the open and processing it in gentle/nonpunitive ways, and thus far it's not working.  So, I'd turn to the swear jar concept.  Find something for her to either do, or give up, every time she does this, WHILE very intensively helping her identify her boiling/exploding point and trying to divert before she gets there.  There's no shame in needing to recondition yourself out of a bad reaction, and sometimes it has a lot to do with conditioning and not a lot to do with talking.  It's replacing one habit with another, and in a fairly severe case like this, I'd use an aversion-type technique to get it...nothing awful or harmful, just as a consistent, no questions asked consequence to help the cycle stop. 

I do not envy you, mama.  I had visions of how I was going to parent based on the kind of child I was (calm, compliant by nature).  My children turned out to be very different temperaments than I was, and need firmer boundaries than I did as a kid.  It has been hard for me to find a place where I feel like I'm being gentle enough, but they're getting enough guidance and not running roughshod.