Other people's gender expectations/disappointments

[msmiranda]

I'm curious if anyone else is dealing with this. I have two boys, which were my MIL's 3rd and 4th grandsons, respectively. She just got a 5th grandson from my younger SIL in September. So, the first words out of her mouth when I told her I was pregnant were, "I'm thinking girl!" I mean, seriously, the pressure is intense -- which I know sounds funny because it's not as though we have any control over it. My SIL who just had her baby told me that she expressed her disappointment to her (my SIL) as soon as she told her (around 20 weeks). My mother was disappointed both times I found out I was having boys as well, mostly because I wasn't a girly/pretty girl and she wants a doll to dress up. But at least she has the decency to say "if it's another boy we'll love him just as much," which my MIL does not say. I almost don't want to have a girl because I don't want my boys to feel that they are considered inferior by all their relatives.

Of course since we have 2 boys I'm sure we will get the whole "trying for a girl?" theme from non-family people once we start telling because, I mean, why on earth else would anyone have more than 2 children? That's another norm that gets on my nerves, don't even get me started.

I don't know what my point is, I obviously can't go off on my MIL as I do in my head. All I can do is say, "we don't have a preference, we love our boys and would love any child we welcomed into our family." I guess I just wanted to vent because I am . Anyone else?

P.S. Both DH and I have families who very much understand the concept of boundaries, so we are not used to intrusive comments. Maybe this will help us develop a thicker skin, huh?

[nova22]

Don't you know how terrible it would be to have a family with only boys?!?!?!

I wouldn't dignify her comments with as much of a reply as you wrote out, I would probably say "Guess we'll find out" and end the conversation right there. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her normally, but you could jokingly say "What's wrong with boys?" or kind of brush her off by saying "I'm sure you'll be a great grandma to this baby whether it's a boy or a girl."

I hate the "are you trying for a boy/girl" comments - how, exactly, does one try for a boy or girl once pregnant? Do you squeeze your eyes shut and think really really hard about having a girl and POOF - your baby's gender is instantly GIRL? I would say I lucked out because I had one boy and then a girl, so no one bothered me with the "are you trying for a..." stuff, but I did get a lot of: "Oh, a boy and a girl! How PERFECT!" There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but when those same people found out I was pregnant again, they seemed highly dissatisfied that I would ruin my perfect family on purpose by upsetting the balance between sexes.

Sorry I went off on my own tangent in your post.

[WifeofAnt]

My mom really wants me to have a girl. I'm having a boy. The other day while I was on the phone with my parents (they pass the phone back and forth a lot) they were talking about what they'd have to do to remodel the house if I got pregnant again before DH left (I'm staying with them while he's deployed so we can get a down payment for a house) and that the next one 'better be a girl'. Seriously? I love them but anyone whoever seriously tries to get pregnant before their first LO is even 2 months old is a litttle nuts IMO. I'm not gonna have Irish Twins just so she can get her granddaughter!

[secondimpression]

I got this silliness while pregnant with DD, it drove me insane! DS is the first born but he's from my XH. DP and I got pregnant and found out the gender with DD. People kept giving me that nonsense about ultrasounds being so inaccurate about gender. These were the same people who believe in having the perfect "one of each" household and it's like they didn't think I was deserving of that or something. It was obnoxious and I'd just change the subject.

Poor DP though, he got it pretty bad once we announced that we were having a girl. People would seriously say to him "Oh, you must be disappointed that you're not having a son" again with that crazy assumption that you stop at one of each attached to it. He's always been awesome about publicly claiming my DS as his own and would come back with "I already have a son".

[akcowgirl]

I totally understand. I love my mom but she can be a little abrasive at times and when we called her to tell her we were having a girls she said" oh, that is nice. I was hoping you would have a boy" This is after her big freak out that we were pregnant at all (we have been together for almost 9 years and both almost 30). She acted all put out that we were having a baby but she seemed to get over that then she pulls this. Now she keeps "suggesting" names which for some reason really annoys me.

Good luck dealing with it, I really try to be like a duck and let it roll off my back.

[~Adorkable~]

yeah was just posting about this, im having twins, our first kids and EVERYONE shared with me that what I was one of each. my grandma was the worse, no matter how many times i actually bothered to stop her mid wistful rant to let her know that i just wanted two healthy kids and did not really car the sexes, she still came back the moment we told her in faxt we were having one of each with the comment "yippee, just what You wanted"

i get sick of folks asking if we know what we are having, mostly because i get sick of them insinuating after i tell them that one of each is somehow better than some other set of wonderful babies.

i would have love them to bits no matter what sex they where and would not have more regardless. drives me nuts when folks like my grandma or complete strangers comment on how easy that is for me to say "now that i already know i got a perfect set"

[Stayseeliz]

We're dealing with this too. I have a boy and two girls and my sister has two girls. Everyone wants another boy! When we told my Dad he said "Well, I'm looking forward to meeting my new grandson!" We find out week after next.

Honestly, I would love another boy since it would even out the b/g in our house but I just want a healthy baby. Whatever this baby is I know it will be loved and cherished by all. But there will be some adjusting attitudes. My son will be heartbroken.

The worst part is my Dad is begging me to name it a certain name if it IS a girl that I really really really don't like. It's trendy and I just don't like it. If I'm having a girl the name will be kept a secret until the baby is born.

FWIW my Dad is awesome and we have a good relationship and I know he'll love the baby no matter what. But I will feel like it's a disappointment, you know?

[amaayeh]

Yes, I'm quite familiar with this whole scenario. I have two girls and of course, my in-laws are begging us to find out right now!! I keep telling them I can't. They want a boy so bad they can taste it. My mom did say, "We will love it no matter what it is." I do think they all want a boy and to a certain extent I do, but it's only because I would like to experience raising a boy as well. However, another girl would fit in beautifully and it would seem a bit easier in some ways. I think so much of it is the disconnect between "a baby" and actually seeing the child in front of you. For some people it's just some weird thing they have in their head. My great grandmother always expressed that she liked boys and she had two of her own. Her two sons had five girls between them and she never once called any of them by their names...just 'the girls'. She was a crazy lady!!!!

[mommytoallh]

Uggg, I have 1 girl and 4 boys. I have been battling this battle for years. I wanted to add more children to my family not a specific gender. I have never been disappointed and I firmly believe you get what you are meant to have. There was such a hard core demand for this baby to be a girl. I almost didn't find out the sex because I felt like our families would love a little boy less than a girl. It drives me crazy. It turns out everyone got lucky and she is in fact all girl. I get upset when people say now that we know things like "thank God it's a girl" or "you must be so much happier with a little girl." I personally thank God I am having a healthy baby. I try to ignore them and smile.

[Evergreen]

I have two girls. My family has been really great about not doing the whole, "I hope it's a boy thing." but friends, acquaintances and strangers have been horrible. I get, "I know you're hoping for a boy." almost everyday. I'm not, though. I think either will be great. Sometimes I want a girl, sometimes a boy. Mostly I just want a baby.

[PrincessWinnie]

OMG this is completely my life.... We have a 6-year old DS and I'm almost 29 weeks pregnant with DS#2. From 0-20 weeks we had to hear "Oh I really think/hope/want it to be a girl", "I can TELL you're having a girl, you HAVE to have one of each" "Are you hoping for a girl" UGGGHHH!!!! It made me soooo mad! All I ever said back was "No, we're hoping for a healthy, live baby at the end of this no matter what".

We found out we're having another boy at the 20 week u/s and were thrilled, just really ecstatic for another boy. And we would have reacted the same way had it been a girl. Yet there was much disappointment and bizarre reactions from people, as if WE shouldn't be happy about another boy. One relative even had the mind to say she felt sorry for us for not having any girls . Thank you but my life will be JUST as complete without tea parties and Disney princess stuff all over my house.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by nova22

Don't you know how terrible it would be to have a family with only boys?!?!?!

I'm laughing at this because my DH's family is just that. There has only been one girl born into the family in the past, oh, 40 years or so. Every other birth has been a boy. It's the weirdest thing.

So yeah, we get it too...but DH's family is more understanding

[MyFullHouse]

I only got a *little* bit of that with my second baby, but they were the first grandchildren all around, so nobody was really hoping to even out numbers or anything. I did wind up with a boy, then a girl. So perfect, right? Not so much.

Dh is not ds#1's biological father, so surely we wanted #3 to be a boy so he could have one of "his own".
#3 is a girl.

The pressure rose when I was pregnant with #4. By the time I found out he was a boy, I really wanted to be able to tell people he was a girl, just to be a brat. Maybe that's why I like to keep his hair long.

I do have to admit that it's been nice to be relieved of all that with #5. Everyone has been "satisfied" now, and I can go about my business, lucky me!

[CherryBomb]

Our first three were girls, so...yeah. Dh's aunt, especially, was desperate for us to have a son. I know a lot of it has to do with dh's dad (her brother) being deceased and her wanting to know that his family name would continue and all, but it was still kind of irritating. And dh really wanted a son, but didn't like the comments about having a son (he said it made him feel like his girls weren't good enough or something).

Of course, now that we do have a son, the pressure is on to not have any more children

[clutterbug]

We have two boys and have been getting "going for the girl?" and "sending you pink vibes" etc etc almost every time we tell someone about this pregnancy. The whole thing was determined 3 months ago, so I never get why people wish things after the fact I can never quite tell whether people are wanting the girl for *us* or for *them* (maybe both?). There are granddaughters on both sides of the family, so I think people are assuming we are desperately hoping for a girl...? I just keep telling people that I have the feeling it will be another boy, but we will be happy either way (which is the truth!).

[DanielleT]

I have the opposite problem we have girls...On both sides of the family girls; i have 10 nieces and no nefews...So there was alot of pressure for this baby to be a boy but we just found out on Friday that we will be having our third girl, my parents are not thrilled (but still happy) but my DH's parents are excited they like their girls...

[Tumble Bumbles]

Sometimes I think people just say things like that to make conversation

But yeah, we've heard the 'hoping for a boy this time' from people because we have a girl already. I guess they think it's something people want 'one of each' and all.

We just say we don't care either way and will be so happy with either, which couldn't be more accurate

[Buddhamom]

We have three girls and are unexpectantly preg. after 8 yrs. of infertility and in our 40's so obviously all we want is a healthy baby. But people say we need a boy and assume we want a boy for some reason. DH and I don't care either way, but if we could push a button we would push the pink one again and that surprises people

[AFWife]

This thread made me remember:

When I was pregnant with DS I was talking to an elderly lady about my pregnancy. She asked what I was having and I said, "A boy." and she said, "Good. I bet your husband wanted a boy."
No...actually he wants a little girl...

[Smokering]

I obviously can't go off on my MIL as I do in my head.

Can't you?

OK, so you could tact it up a bit... but really, what you said here makes perfect sense and might knock a clue into her brain. Say "You know, I'm almost hoping we're having another boy, just because of all the pressure to have a girl. I'm afraid if we have a girl there might be some favouritism, and I don't want my lovely boys to feel like they're not good enough. I'd be very sad if my boys got wind of the idea that they were inferior because of their sex." You don't have to say this as if it's about her, but it might get her appropriately disapproving of all those mysterious other people who felt that way.