I just don't know what to do.
My DS (8) has been since birth very high needs, with an often challenging and difficult personality, developmental delays, and a lot of difficulty getting along socially. He goes through phases where he is just unable to function in groups or with friends or his siblings. Just tantrums and severe negativity (yes, we've tried many types of therapy over the years, nothing consistently has helped- that's beyond the scope of this post). He does have periods where he is pleasant and can handle life well. He gets along very well with adults and little kids. He needs 1:1 instruction and is very happy being homeschooled and I am happy homeschooling with him. He is absolutely delightful doing school at home but becomes a monster the minute we get into any social scene.
I do sign him up for occasional group activities like art classes, to widen his world and provide activities I can't do at home, and we're in a homeschool co-op once a week. He has no peer group or consistent group of friends or "best" friend. None of us are super social people who needs to be around lots of people, but obviously I do want him to learn how to get along in the world and work with and interact with others. Overall we are pretty relaxed hs'ers.
I do set up playdates with the few kids he's connected with. It's 50/50 success. Often he will get along great with the friend, but often he'll cry and fight with his brother during it or be super negative and rude to me. 9 times out of 10 when we pick up my 5 yo from school he throws a fit or picks a fight with his brother or the other kids at the playground there and we have to leave in a hurry.
Here's the issue: he throws a tantrum every single freaking time we go to the hs co-op and cries nearly every time I come to get him at any class I sign him up for, even if it's something he wanted to do. it's been over a year now and probably twice has he not had a fit at the co-op. it is usually over nothing, he trips, feels like he's being excluded (he's not), or some random made up perceived slight. I committed to myself and him that we would stick with this no matter what. it is a nice group of kids and parents who we've known for a long time, and it is a good opportunity to practice social skills in a safe place, not to mention good for ME since I am very isolated in caring for the kids and really don't get to see or talk to many adults at all. And my 5 yo who isn't even officially a part of it, participates and has a really good time!
It is so easy to quit things because he throws a fit everywhere we go and we have to leave. I wanted this to be the ONE thing we don't quit. If we don't do this, then he has no "class" and no social group and it's basically me and him at home daily with the only social interaction being picking up DS2 from school and occasionally playing with much younger neighbors. I don't want him to be that stereotypical isolated homeschooler. The same thing happened all summer with camp, he talked about it all year long loves the teachers, and was dying to go back, but had a tantrum every day and we had to end it.
So what do I do- stick with this because overall it is a good way to get social practice and it's a safe place to learn how to get along with others and be part of a group, even though it's really stressful for me to deal with. Or just quit all social activities right now because it just isn't working, have him just home with me, and maybe try again in a few months and see if he's matured any. It just seems wrong to deprive him of social activity if he cant handle it, because then he'll never learn if he's never in a social situation. But going through this is really awful for me and probably everyone else in our group having to watch it.
Please, be kind. This is really hard.
My DS (8) has been since birth very high needs, with an often challenging and difficult personality, developmental delays, and a lot of difficulty getting along socially. He goes through phases where he is just unable to function in groups or with friends or his siblings. Just tantrums and severe negativity (yes, we've tried many types of therapy over the years, nothing consistently has helped- that's beyond the scope of this post). He does have periods where he is pleasant and can handle life well. He gets along very well with adults and little kids. He needs 1:1 instruction and is very happy being homeschooled and I am happy homeschooling with him. He is absolutely delightful doing school at home but becomes a monster the minute we get into any social scene.
I do sign him up for occasional group activities like art classes, to widen his world and provide activities I can't do at home, and we're in a homeschool co-op once a week. He has no peer group or consistent group of friends or "best" friend. None of us are super social people who needs to be around lots of people, but obviously I do want him to learn how to get along in the world and work with and interact with others. Overall we are pretty relaxed hs'ers.
I do set up playdates with the few kids he's connected with. It's 50/50 success. Often he will get along great with the friend, but often he'll cry and fight with his brother during it or be super negative and rude to me. 9 times out of 10 when we pick up my 5 yo from school he throws a fit or picks a fight with his brother or the other kids at the playground there and we have to leave in a hurry.
Here's the issue: he throws a tantrum every single freaking time we go to the hs co-op and cries nearly every time I come to get him at any class I sign him up for, even if it's something he wanted to do. it's been over a year now and probably twice has he not had a fit at the co-op. it is usually over nothing, he trips, feels like he's being excluded (he's not), or some random made up perceived slight. I committed to myself and him that we would stick with this no matter what. it is a nice group of kids and parents who we've known for a long time, and it is a good opportunity to practice social skills in a safe place, not to mention good for ME since I am very isolated in caring for the kids and really don't get to see or talk to many adults at all. And my 5 yo who isn't even officially a part of it, participates and has a really good time!
It is so easy to quit things because he throws a fit everywhere we go and we have to leave. I wanted this to be the ONE thing we don't quit. If we don't do this, then he has no "class" and no social group and it's basically me and him at home daily with the only social interaction being picking up DS2 from school and occasionally playing with much younger neighbors. I don't want him to be that stereotypical isolated homeschooler. The same thing happened all summer with camp, he talked about it all year long loves the teachers, and was dying to go back, but had a tantrum every day and we had to end it.
So what do I do- stick with this because overall it is a good way to get social practice and it's a safe place to learn how to get along with others and be part of a group, even though it's really stressful for me to deal with. Or just quit all social activities right now because it just isn't working, have him just home with me, and maybe try again in a few months and see if he's matured any. It just seems wrong to deprive him of social activity if he cant handle it, because then he'll never learn if he's never in a social situation. But going through this is really awful for me and probably everyone else in our group having to watch it.
Please, be kind. This is really hard.
 Sorry it isn't going well. Hope you find something that helps soon.
