feeling ineffective at work and want to sahm

[craft_media_hero]

Hey working/student mamas!

I have two wahm/wohm jobs, and I'm an online student. My baby is 3.5 mos. I feel like I'm so spread out that I'm really not being effective at home, school, or at work.

I can't get anything done at home because the baby needs me, and I don't like that I find myself wishing he'd go to sleep so that I could get some work done.

My partner just went back to work, so it's just me solo here with the kids (7yo homeschooled dd and 3.5mo ds). I feel like I'm not adjusting well! I'm trying to cram wahm time in, and it's not working out right!

DH's job is "temporary" though probably long term with chance of transfer.

One of my jobs was supposed to be wah or bring baby in if I have to go in for a short period during the day, but now they want me to come in a lot more for longer stretches and are frowning on bring the baby along (plus finding somewhere for my school-ager to be during the day is pretty much impossible). My dh was unemployed, so before it was no big deal because they would be with him during the day, but now? I'm not sure what to do.

We have NO real family support for daycare . . . I feel like I'm trying to be in too many places at once.

I don't really know what I'm looking for except for maybe some coping ideas and btdt.

[lunarlady]

Do you need the income your job provides? If not, it sounds like you would be happy to drop it. Could you find another homeschooling family to do a kid trade with a couple days a week? That might let you get some more work done. Good luck!

[LittleGriff]

No woman can do it all. I can't imagine working, studying and parenting 2 without childcare support. As lunarlady said, seems like your only option is to figure out which of those activities you all can live without and/or finding some childcare support. I'd start with the latter!

[DariusMom]

Yep, what the PPs said. It can't go on like this. Is there money for childcare? If so, I think you need to schedule at least a certain number of hours a week.

How much of a priority is homeschooling? Is school an option, at least temporarily?

Basically, WAH is, IMO, a great myth of mommyhood. (flame me if you will, Mamas! ) It's touted as this great option to bring in money + be with your kids. In reality, it's often the worst of both worlds. You don't actually get to spend any sort of quality time with your kids because you're trying to get work done. You get frustrated with the kids, they get frustrated with you, you wish they'd go to sleep or play by themselves, and often you plunk them in front of the TV just to get the time you need to work. Far better to have them in a quality daycare or with a good babysitter where at least they're getting attention.

Basically, the situation is untenable and your health is going to suffer if it keeps up. Could you reassess the situation if/when your DH's job becomes more certain? Drop studying, at least temporarily?

Hang in there.

[texmati]

yes. there are only one of you, not 3.

It took me a good half year to realize that that you can't rob peter to pay paul-- something has to give somewhere. It's a zero sum game, and as a  working mom, I always feel like I"m living paycheck to paycheck with my *time*. There is no reserve for emeregancies, etc.

I don't have any magic answer, just commiseration.

[karaann07]

If you made an agreement with your work that you were to be home x% of the time, and coming in (with the ability to bring baby) was to be reserved for specific or emergency or high volume occasions, I think this needs to be revisited. If going back to that original "schedule" would work for you better and make you feel more comfortable, it's worth a try. If that doesn't do the trick and you can go without the income, then I'd say it's time to cut ties. Regardless, I think the first step is to have a sit-down with your work about the changing expectations.

[CatsCradle]

Originally Posted by DariusMom 

Yep, what the PPs said. It can't go on like this. Is there money for childcare? If so, I think you need to schedule at least a certain number of hours a week.

How much of a priority is homeschooling? Is school an option, at least temporarily?

Basically, WAH is, IMO, a great myth of mommyhood. (flame me if you will, Mamas! ) It's touted as this great option to bring in money + be with your kids. In reality, it's often the worst of both worlds. You don't actually get to spend any sort of quality time with your kids because you're trying to get work done. You get frustrated with the kids, they get frustrated with you, you wish they'd go to sleep or play by themselves, and often you plunk them in front of the TV just to get the time you need to work. Far better to have them in a quality daycare or with a good babysitter where at least they're getting attention.

Basically, the situation is untenable and your health is going to suffer if it keeps up. Could you reassess the situation if/when your DH's job becomes more certain? Drop studying, at least temporarily?

Hang in there.

No flames here, DariusMom.  I actually have the type of profession where I could conceivably do a great majority of my work at home.  I choose not to bring it home for the reasons that DariusMom states.  Yeah, I may be home with DD, but it can be miserable getting stuff done and creates misery for everyone involved.  I'd rather do the work elsewhere and then have 100% of my time devoted to DD when I'm not at work.

OP:  correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you made some kind of arrangement with your employer so that you could work partially at home (same job but just a split in facetime?).  I agree with the PPs, if you can swing some childcare for the times that you need it (either while you're working at home or otherwise) it may be worth it.  Otherwise, perhaps you could cut your WAH hours all together and take a reduction in pay?  Would this be any risk to your job? 

[craft_media_hero]

Ah, thank you all so much for the replies! It's so good just to know other people understand.

You all are so right. Something's gotta give! My hub is pretty supportive of me "just" being a mom and totally respects the value of that. We can "make" it on just his income, but my income really helps a lot.

My sis has offered to be there more along the lines of daycare, so that's good. But I still feel like I'm robbing Peter to pay Paul, as PP said. I just want to get to January . . . and then we'll re-evaluate.

Dh's job is temporary but could go to career. They said 3-12 months. Which doesn't really narrow it down, right?

I just feel like we're always so scattered, and if I could just be of one mind with my focus on being a mom, then everything would smooth out so much, but instead my focus is in at least three different places.

Homeschooling is pretty non-negotiable at this point.  Anyway gtg for no, thank you all so much for the support!

[eepster]

I think if either of you was going to need to quit, I would say it should be your DH.  His job is temporary, so if you quit, potentially neither of you might be bringing in money in 3 months.

[KLM99]

No advice, just a currently there, currently doing that (if that make since!).  DH and I both work 40+ hours a week outside the house (he travels frequently too) and we have two young kids (3 and 1).  I have days where I'm a complete mess and want to just quit everything and hide and days where I'm like "Yeah me!  Bring it on!"  and of course days right in the middle where I'm struggling, but know I will get through.  Sometimes it helps me to think about how blessed I am - two beautiful kids, a great husband, a great house, and of course, actual employment when so many people can't find jobs.  Sometimes that just makes me crankier though because even though I have all that, it's all relative and I feel entitled to being cranky anyway :)  Hope you get some good advice, but mostly, know that you are doing your best and look for some support - neighbors, friends, other parents with kids in the neighborhood?  It takes a village - if you don't have one already, make one.  Good luck!!

[KLM99]

Also, if your baby is only 3.5 months - allow yourself to give it some time.  That's a really young baby and a HUGE adjustment.  Things will get better.

[craft_media_hero]

oh, thanks KLM99. I have to remind myself to take it easy because you are right; my baby is still really tiny.

Abt my dh quitting---he would love that ;) but he's the one with 40hrs a week which pays our mortgage, etc. My income is a big help but definitely not enough to solely support us on. Plus, I don't feel capable of working full-time and pumping all the breastmilk my son would need on those long days----kudos to you mamas who do! But I personally do not feel like I could handle that challenge.

I'm trying to paradigm shift and feel really grateful and somehow internally create all the time that I need :lol

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by DariusMom 

 Basically, WAH is, IMO, a great myth of mommyhood. (flame me if you will, Mamas! ) 

Hang in there.

I agree, and I'm glad you said it. I've been working from home for 6 years now, and in that time, I've talked to - both casually and as interview subjects - parents who are doing the WAH thing, and I've never seen a true example of it working. 

We put DS in school this year & DD in daycare. It's only been a month. DH insisted (and he rarely *insists* on anything), and I got an office. It's the best, best thing we've ever done for our family. Something had to give. I feel so much more relaxed and calm. I was venting in Personal Growth about some issues with our schedules & time commitments, but really, we're better off than we were 2 months ago.

Seriously sit down with your husband and think about what you need and want and make some changes because you *are* spread too thin. It won't work for the long term. 
 

[eepster]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Originally Posted by DariusMom 

 Basically, WAH is, IMO, a great myth of mommyhood. (flame me if you will, Mamas! ) 

Hang in there.

I agree, and I'm glad you said it. I've been working from home for 6 years now, and in that time, I've talked to - both casually and as interview subjects - parents who are doing the WAH thing, and I've never seen a true example of it working. 

I think it depends on what your expectations are.  If you plan to make a steady and substantial income, then it is really hard.  However, if your income is just supplemental then it can work out just fine.  I worked from home w en DS was a baby for a few years (till the company I did it with changed their commission structure) and it was fine b/c we still could pay our mortgage and eat during times when I didn't make any money, but we got to put a little extra away in the bank when I did.  

What made it possible was a number of factors.  

• It was fully online, so I didn't need to worry about trying to make phone calls and such with a screaming baby.  I could do it unshowered in my PJs.
• There were no deadlines.   The more often I got around to working the more money I made, but if I didn't finish a project in 2 days, nothing went wrong, nobody got angry.
• What hours I worked were completely flexible.  I could work at 3 a.m. if I happened to be up with the baby, or I could work at 3 in the afternoon if DS was napping.
• I didn't have any start up costs, except stuff I already had (computer, scanner, software, internet connection, camera.)

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom 

Originally Posted by DariusMom 

 Basically, WAH is, IMO, a great myth of mommyhood. (flame me if you will, Mamas! ) 

Hang in there.

I agree, and I'm glad you said it. I've been working from home for 6 years now, and in that time, I've talked to - both casually and as interview subjects - parents who are doing the WAH thing, and I've never seen a true example of it working. 

We put DS in school this year & DD in daycare. It's only been a month. DH insisted (and he rarely *insists* on anything), and I got an office. It's the best, best thing we've ever done for our family. Something had to give. I feel so much more relaxed and calm. I was venting in Personal Growth about some issues with our schedules & time commitments, but really, we're better off than we were 2 months ago.

Seriously sit down with your husband and think about what you need and want and make some changes because you *are* spread too thin. It won't work for the long term. 
 

No, you are right, it won't work in the long term. I am spread too thin. I told him, "hey, I can't work if I don't have time to work" and he's all, "yeah, I totally understand" but here I am doing all the daily housework and cooking three times a day and being the primary caregiver for our kids---which I love doing! That's what I want to do. Which is why work goes on the back burner instead of the domestic stuff; if my priority was work, then I'd let the house go and we'd eat tv dinners, and I'd plug dd into a movie and the baby into a swing (which is NOT my parenting style, btw).

Sigh.

DD's spending the wknd w/ the gps, and dh is off work for a few days, so I thought I'd have some time to myself to get some work done for a quickly impending deadline, but I'm not (of course) because it's all family get-together weekend. I seriously want to cry about it. I know this is my choice, but I kinda feel like I can't quit my job(s) coz they are about the best arrangement I could get if I want to work at all. And I feel like people just dismiss my work as kind of a joke anyways, like no one understands that I actually do have to DO this; I can't just keep putting it off for everyone else's plans. I bust my butt all day around the house, and then my "free time" is spent trying to cram in some work time. Dh's free time from work is not spent doing the housework, he just doesn't have the same standards and doesn't think it's a big deal to let the dishes and laundry pile up---but they do have to be done every day or we don't eat and have clothes to wear!

IDK, thanks for the support, mamas. I am still muddling my way through and will hopefully come to some kind of conclusions by the New Year--that's my personal date for how long I can hold out on this. Thanks so much for letting me sound off a little and think out loud!

[marinak1977]

 I hope you find some kind of solution that will help you focus. It sounds like way too much to do for one person. Sending strength to you mama.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by marinak1977 

 I hope you find some kind of solution that will help you focus. It sounds like way too much to do for one person. Sending strength to you mama.

Thank you for that.