Getting scorned for wanting to evaluate my son

[nova22]

Long story short: My 7yo DS is about to be evaluated for Asberger's. My MIL is adamant that there is nothing wrong with him and every time I see her or talk to her, she brings it up, despite that I try to make it as obvious as possible that I don't want to talk about it. She tends to panic and worry about every little thing. I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I am getting ridiculously emotional about everything and her negativity is making my nerves so much worse.

I almost asked DH not to mention it to her but I didn't. He called her to ask if she could watch the other kids and went into details about what he was being seen for. I REALLY regret that I didn't tell him to keep it quiet. Since then she has said these things (her words, not mine) and more to try to convince me not to have my son evaluated:

• All homeschool kids are weird, he's only acting this way because he's homeschooled.
• If he had more friends he would act better; I need to get him involved with other kids. (He does, by the way, have a very close friend from a great family; MIL keeps trying to push me to let him play with her neighbor's son, who once told DS to try to cut his hand on a knife as a dare or something, but MIL says he's better than nothing.)
• He probably needs an overnight sleep study; sleep apnea runs in the family and all his problems are probably caused by sleep deprivation.
• When her oldest son was two, one of her friends suggested that he may be mildly retarded; the son went on to be borderline genius and is now a doctor. This son of hers played with Legos a lot, and DS plays with Legos a lot, so they probably have other things in common too, which means DS may act odd but he's probably just smart and will grow up to be less awkward.
• My husband's dad had nervous tics as a child but he did them because he was anxious about his mean teachers, so DS is probably stressed out about something.

I want her to stop, but she doesn't get the hint that I don't agree with her and she justifies all her ridiculous comments by saying she's "trying not to worry." Every time she brings it up I tell her there are many reasons for the evaluation, and his doctor agrees with me that he needs the evaluation, but apparently her own experience trumps my maternal instinct, DH's paternal instinct, and the doctor's educated advice.

If anyone else has been through something like this, how did you handle it? I see her on a regular basis - she's local and we also work together (I do the job from home but she frequently has to stop by to deliver paperwork to me) and she will be the one babysitting my other kids during the appointment. FWIW, the neighbor boy who tried to make my son do stupid things with a knife will be in school during the appointment, so no worries about her setting my kids up to play with him while I'm gone. She knows how I feel about him.

[texmati]

don't argue with her, don't engage.

Not the same at all, but I was worried about my son when he wasn't rolling, crawling etc on time.

Everyone-- my parents, dh, all said it was nothing, and not to talk to the dr about it. I just came up with one line and started repeating it over and over "I'm sure you are right, but it won't hurt to get tested."

[Eyelet]

Unfortunately, I've heard most of that as well from my family when DS was diagnosed.
When my DS was first diagnosed with autism, my MIL in particular was in severe denial. She mad all kinds of excuses for DS's behavior, everything from not enough discipline to possible mold allergies. She was not respectful of us as parents, whatsoever.

There are stages of acceptance, and maybe this is her way of dealing with the initial shock. Point her to information to read to educate herself. Hopefully in time she'll come to accept it.

My MIL still has issues with coming to terms with DS. Unfortunately, it's made us distance ourselves from her.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by nova22

I want her to stop, but she doesn't get the hint that I don't agree with her and she justifies all her ridiculous comments

stop hinting and be clear. say something like "I can see how you could feel that way, but none the less, this is what we've decided to do." And then change the subject.

If she changes it back, say, "You've told me how you feel, and I've told you what we are doing, so there's nothing else for us to discuss on this right now." And then change the subject, again.

Sorry you are going through this right now. My DD has Asperger's and I've heard all sorts of stupid things too.

[JessicaS]

I would just tell her I was done discussing it and I would have my husband tell her to stop.

FWIW that is what my MIL did when she found out I was breastfeeding and for a few months after dd was born until dh stepped in. Then she did the same thing when she found out I wasn't going to circ.

[MusicianDad]

Given some of her reasonings, it's possible she's scared of what your son's diagnosis might mean. As in, she sees some of her own family in your DS and is worried that if he gets a diagnosis of Asperger's then it came from her side of the family. It's something that can be hard for a lot of people to deal with.

I agree with the above posters who suggest not to engage her, if she brings up the subject just change it.

[joensally]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Given some of her reasonings, it's possible she's scared of what your son's diagnosis might mean. As in, she sees some of her own family in your DS and is worried that if he gets a diagnosis of Asperger's then it came from her side of the family. It's something that can be hard for a lot of people to deal with.

Grandparents can be in denial and/or need to grieve. This stuff upsets/worries them too.

What about saying something like "MIL, it will be ok. We love Billy as he is, we just want to understand how he sees the world better and find ways to make his life easier." It's obviously on her mind since she keeps bringing it up. Maybe she just needs to have her concerns acknowledged so she can move on a bit.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Given some of her reasonings, it's possible she's scared of what your son's diagnosis might mean. As in, she sees some of her own family in your DS and is worried that if he gets a diagnosis of Asperger's then it came from her side of the family. It's something that can be hard for a lot of people to deal with.

I agree with the above posters who suggest not to engage her, if she brings up the subject just change it.

Great point. It can be scary. I know it was hard for DH's family to deal with the issue of AD(H)D. It was just "how they were" and DH getting diagnosed as an adult was very threatening to them.

Originally Posted by joensally

Grandparents can be in denial and/or need to grieve. This stuff upsets/worries them too.

What about saying something like "MIL, it will be ok. We love Billy as he is, we just want to understand how he sees the world better and find ways to make his life easier." It's obviously on her mind since she keeps bringing it up. Maybe she just needs to have her concerns acknowledged so she can move on a bit.

Great advice.

[Emmeline II]

I agree with the pp to stop hinting and to have your dh speak to her about it; it sounds like she is worried/in denial and not dealing with it very well. Most people are worried about what a diagnosis means; being diagnosed as Asperger's doesn't mean that her gs is not smart--what separates Asperger's from Autism is normal cognitive and speech ability.

You could try writing up your ds symptoms, how they match Asperger's, and what your plan is with the diagnosis and how it will help him. You could also take her to see the person doing the diagnosis and ask them to talk to her.

To paraphrase a pp, the evaluation/diagnosis doesn't change who your ds is, it just makes it easier to help him.

I'd have your dh mention that the whole situation is causing you stress which is not good for the baby, and for her to talk to him about any concerns she has for your ds for the time being. And if she does bring it up say the same thing.

[thornrose]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 

I agree with the pp to stop hinting and to have your dh speak to her about it; it sounds like she is worried/in denial and not dealing with it very well. Most people are worried about what a diagnosis means; being diagnosed as Asperger's doesn't mean that her gs is not smart--what separates Asperger's from Autism is normal cognitive and speech ability.

You could try writing up your ds symptoms, how they match Asperger's, and what your plan is with the diagnosis and how it will help him. You could also take her to see the person doing the diagnosis and ask them to talk to her.

To paraphrase a pp, the evaluation/diagnosis doesn't change who your ds is, it just makes it easier to help him.

I'd have your dh mention that the whole situation is causing you stress which is not good for the baby, and for her to talk to him about any concerns she has for your ds for the time being. And if she does bring it up say the same thing.

Agreed and most people with Asperger's are of above average intelligence.   

When we discovered that my stbx had Asperger's it gave a frame of reference to why he had always behaved in certain ways.  It didn't change anything about him (or our kids that have AS tendencies) but suddenly I understood more of the why and how to respond to it.

[Essie]

Originally Posted by joensally 

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Given some of her reasonings, it's possible she's scared of what your son's diagnosis might mean. As in, she sees some of her own family in your DS and is worried that if he gets a diagnosis of Asperger's then it came from her side of the family. It's something that can be hard for a lot of people to deal with.

Grandparents can be in denial and/or need to grieve. This stuff upsets/worries them too.

What about saying something like "MIL, it will be ok. We love Billy as he is, we just want to understand how he sees the world better and find ways to make his life easier." It's obviously on her mind since she keeps bringing it up. Maybe she just needs to have her concerns acknowledged so she can move on a bit.

I think this is a good perspective. You could always say something like "If he doesn't have a dx then we'll know, if he does then we'll get the help we need for him". Of course, this opens it up for her to criticize and make excuses. I guess we were lucky in the way that DS was dx'ed very early on. However, I know how you feel b/c MIL has never even cracked open a book about Autism or Asperger's and we've known for over 5 years about him. It's really hard when family is in denial b/c the parents really have it rough. When parents are just trying to do all possible to help the child and understand it doesn't help to have other family who doesn't "feel" supportive. 

I still remember the day when MIL and DH's grandma literally cornered me and told me that we should be spanking DS!!!!!! this is when he was having ;major behavioral challenges and sensory and biting/hitting/etc. When I said I would never "hit" my child they looked at me like I was nuts and that the word spanking made it completely different and validated it.

I'm sorry, I digressed. I know you are doing the right thing for DS. I would try and just say as little as possible. I know it's really hard!

Good luck!

[Linda on the move]

I think that some very nice advice has been given about handling her, but I totally validate your feelings of frustration with her. Some of the things she says blame you and choices you've made for the difficulties your son is having, such as the comment about homeschooling.

I heard those kinds of comments as well, and they cut me to the core.

None of the professionals involved with my DD have ever implied that her challenges are related to parenting. That little nastiness seems reserved for extended family and neighbors. 

I hope that your son's eval goes well and that you get the report back quickly!