So I met and married DH who is an athiest. We got married by a Luthern Pastor. Neither of our children are baptized and neither are hubby or myself. We have told the kids that when great grandpa died he went to heaven. DH was a bit torn on what to tell them, but I was the one who really wanted to tell them about Heaven, because in all honestly, it sounds way better than telling them great grandpa got put in a big oven and made into ashes....which is really what happened.
I've had a few things happen in my life that really makes me doubt my non-belief. When I was in my late teens I was suffering a deep depression. I woke in the middle of the night when I heard a voice, and I saw a glowing figure in my room. Next morning I started my road to mental health recovery.
2nd thing was when I was pregnant with my 1st son. We were in a hotel the morning before another ultrasound and testing for hydrocephalus which had been confirmed with a 1st ultrasound (ventricles in the brain were HUGE, eyes were too wide set, and an artery was missing from the umbilical cord). DH and I both went to bed bauling our eyes out. Woke up the next morning and I felt completely comfortable and really happy. I looked at DH and said ëverything is fine!". Went for a bunch of testing, more ultrasounds and all was well. Venticles were fine, eyes were fine, and heart and umbilical cord were good! Called my grandma and she said she knew all would be ok because she asked my grandpa (who passed away years ago) to watch out for us.
3rd thing is when I was quadding with my sister a few years ago. I rolled my dads ATV down a 150 foot bank. I went down the bank first and landed 10-15 feet down the bank laying facing up the bank. The quad was rolling down the bank after me, and was rolling really close to the ground. I didn't have time to move and right when the quad was by my head, I closed my eyes and waited for it to land on me. But it didn't. For some reason it went up and over top of me, landed by my feet and went another 140 feet down the bank. I have no explanation as to how that happened. I walked away with a bunch of cuts and a minor concussion.
I don't know what I believe. In a way I believe in evolution. But in a way, I feel like there's something more out there, more than I can imagine. I've always felt a sense of belonging and a feeling of warmth and comfort when I've gone to church with my grandma. I've also seen the friendships that have developed within people who attend the same church, and I've had a hard time finding a friend who understands my commitment and dedication to parenting my children.
I WANT to believe that there is a heaven, I want to believe that there is someone up there watching out for my children and family. I don't feel as if there's any harm in believing.
I don't know what my DH would think though. I met him as an agnostic. We've had talks about it before and I've never actually expressed my interest in maybe going to church, so I'm not too sure what to think.
The only thing that really concerns me is that if I do go explore that side and I decide that I don't believe it and no longer want to attent that I will get hassled. I also don't know really anything about the bible and don't want to feel stupid.