Kindergarten stress

[madskye]

I am not sure who is more stressed about kindergarten--me, or my daughter.

DD, 5, started full day kindergarten in September. She loves it. Loves her teacher. Seems to have made lots of friends.

But she keeps getting in trouble. I noticed at Back To School night that her "star chart" (for good behavior) was noticeably missing stars compared to the rest of the class. I had a follow up conversation with the teacher and she is not getting stars for a variety of things like making messes with her snacks or writing on the table instead of her pen. The day that I requested we the teacher call me, DD punched someone while in line.

That is totally out of the ordinary. She has gone to daycare and preschool and hitting or anything physical has never been a problem with her. She can be mean sometimes, but it's usually more calling someone a stupid poopy than hitting.

Last week, someone told her she wasn't going to be invited to their birthday party, so DD responded that her big sister would come and beat them up. (DD does not have a big sister, so I don't even know where that came from)
She had to go to the principal's office, because that's a threat. The prinicipal is great, and DD's take home was that the principal has a dog just like ours. It sounds like the principal talked to her mostly about using nice words and being a friend and it wasn't punitive at all.

I was more punitive at home, because I was angry and appalled. I cleaned the toys out of her room and told her that every day she can earn one back each day by being good in school. I took a piece of poster paper and wrote 3 rules on it and now we read them every day before she leaves:

1 I use nice hands and kind words
2 I get the teacher if I have a problem
3 I go to school to learn. I quietly do my work.

She earned back toys each day last week, and was very enthusiastic about the "rules" and I thought it had made an impact.

Today, I picked her up at aftercare and was told someone wouldn't let her play with a ball so she punched them. A bigger kid, a second grader.

Why is she hitting now? How can I get her to stop? I am really worried that she will get hit back, and also that she is going to make bigger problems for herself with the school. I asked her several times and didn't get much of an answer. She only does aftercare one day per week, because I am in sales and need one day to do appointments. The rest of the time she's home.

I had a thread in Gentle Discipline, early Fall she had been throwing these tantrums that cycled into screaming that I couldn't stop. I bought a book called The Explosive Child and I've been trying to help her work through tantrums and it's gotten a lot better. She still has tantrums, but now it's more like one per week and they are over much faster.

I also wonder if she's getting enough to eat and regularly enough during the day at school and should I ask if she can go to the nurse at 10 AM for a protein snack? Can you even do that?

She is my first and only in school and I feel like every time I start feeling good about it, she comes home with bad news or I get a phone call.

[pregnant@40]

You sound like a terrific mother, and I'm so sorry that this year has been hard for both of you thus far. My son hasn't responded the same way, but he does exhibit his own type of stress behaviors (ex. meltdowns at home, some yelling, etc...). School is a tough transition for most kids, from what parents and teachers tell me.

Just wanted to tell you that the most valuable thing I've discovered that is helpful to my child is volunteering in his classroom. Of course most parents can't do this, but I try to devote 4 hours every Monday to his class. It has really opened my eyes about what teachers and students face, and I better understand the classroom dynamics. I can better understand why it's challenging for my child at times, and why he can be exhausted and stressed out. Additionally, it's boosted my child's self-esteem a bit to have his mom in the classroom once a week; I think this is b/c I'm friendly to all of the kids, and he gets a little special attention from them to have his mom so involved. Also, he knows I care about his life away from home, and I verbalize to him how difficult kindergarten is, but how proud I am of him for all his hard work. Kids at this age still want for us to participate in their worlds. Anyway, just offering this is case you haven't tried it yet...

[Emmeline II]

You could try CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). My son goes once a week to work on his social skills and behavior. Last week ds had his first physical altercation this year (his classmates know he is a bear about people touching his drawings and one decided to "poke" him). Fortunately it happened on therapy day and his therapist had him write "anger rules":

The Anger Rules

It is ok to be angry, but

1. it is not ok to hurt myself
2. it is not ok to hurt others
3. it is not ok to destroy property

It is ok to talk to others.

[jmfreedly]

Your situation sounds so frustrating! Hang in there. I wonder whether you feel good about the level of communication you have with the teacher, and whether you feel he or she is working on this with you in a constructive way. Do you have all the information you need to really know what's going on? Sometimes the teacher can fill you in on relationships within the classroom, triggers your DD might be responding to, situations that seem most problematic... She needs to know that this isn't the way your daughter behaved in other settings, too. I'm sure she wants the behavior to improve as much as you do!

It bothers me a little (okay, a lot) that the teacher has a star chart publicly displayed for the kids to see. I do research on child motivation, and one of the consequences of tools like that is that it publicly singles out the kids who don't have any stars - it's very easy for a child of any age to lapse into the belief that they aren't "good" (i.e., they internalize this) or can't learn or are stupid, simply because other kids get recognized for being good or following directions more frequently than they do. It can really snowball! Other kids can start thinking that too - that the kids without stars are the "bad" kids or the stupid kids. Really not appropriate at any age, but in kindergarten this strategy makes my skin crawl. Some kids stop trying to earn any more stars, because they believe they can't.

You might ask if the teacher would be willing to create a special chart for your daughter, a private one, to show her that the teacher notices small improvements in her behavior. Recognizing her accomplishments, even if they aren't the same as everyone else's, could remind her that she IS good, capable and accepted in her class.

Kids in kindergarten are all at such different levels developmentally and in terms of the experiences they've had, it seems wrong to openly display what I see as the equivalent of grades. I'd tell you to ask the teacher to take down the star chart, but that is probably unrealistic. I wouldn't go so far as to challenge a teacher's chosen methods, at least until you have more information and try to work within the method she's chosen. A more realistic option might be to ask that she post a new chart weekly, so that kids who did poorly one week have a new chance to do well compared to their peers. Maybe she does that already? No point in dwelling on bad weeks, if you can give kids a clean slate.

Good luck mama!
Jeanne

PS As for nutritional solutions, is she getting enough fish oil/DHA? Low levels can result in depression and anxiety, which might make her more susceptible to confrontations with peers.

[eepster]

Since this behavior is new, I would look at what has changed since daycare/preschool.

You thoughts on a different snack schedule is a good one.  If she has low blood sugar that could be an issue.

Another possibility that struck me was exposure to negative behavior in media.  Is she watching new shows since starting K?  Possibly shows for older kids, such as Arthur?  Are they reading books in K that have a lot of negative behavior in them, such as Junie B. Jones?

[BCFD]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II 

You could try CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). My son goes once a week to work on his social skills and behavior. Last week ds had his first physical altercation this year (his classmates know he is a bear about people touching his drawings and one decided to "poke" him). Fortunately it happened on therapy day and his therapist had him write "anger rules":

The Anger Rules

It is ok to be angry, but

1. it is not ok to hurt myself
2. it is not ok to hurt others
3. it is not ok to destroy property

It is ok to talk to others.

 

This reminded me of a book I recently found while out thrifting.  It's simply called "If You're Angry and You know it" and it says stuff like: stomp your feet, tell a friend, walk away.  My kids have all really latched onto this book.  Maybe you could try that?  I'm so sorry, Mama.  I have a 1st grader, kinder, and pre-schooler and the 1st grader has recently been telling me she is being teased (despite being loved by everyone in her class) even by one of her really good friends.  Just silly things, but big in a 6 year old's mind.

[madskye]

I could do without the star chart myself, but it does not seem to phase DD.  I spoke with her teacher on the phone for a bit today, I called her because I've been thinking about this a lot and as eepster said--it's new behavior, so what's changed?  Her eating schedule and the # of kids in the class.  I am going to send in more protein snacks and her teacher is going to encourage her to eat.  They arrive at 9 and eat lunch at 11:15, so technically, she should be able to make it from breakfast at 8:ish to lunch.  I will continue to monitor.  I told the teacher what I've been trying to reinforce here, and she seemed happy about that.  She said that DD definitely does insert herself into other kids issues--she likes to be in the middle of the drama.  So I think I need a quiet way to help her work on that.  I've been trying to really focus her on learning...so I will keep doing that.  I feel better for having written all this down.  Thanks for all the kind responses--it helped!