Reading material on the developmental need for firm limits?

[LCBMAX]

I'm putting this here instead of the gentle discipline forum cause I'm not really talking about the discipline side of things, more to do with just guiding a toddler through the day. Sorry - it's long - I just don't know how to use less words!

My son will be 3 in Feb and over the past month has had lots of trouble with transitions - it looks and feels like separation anxiety but I think it would more accurately be called transition anxiety. Leaving home is hard, coming home is hard. Arriving at school is hard, leaving school is hard. Going outside at school is hard, going inside is hard... you get the idea.

We've been very gung-ho attachment parents. My husband is one who fell in with that based on my interpretation of AP more than his own reading. Not a problem for me. He read lightly when I felt I couldn't translate things well. And he sure is loving, connected and securely attached with our son.

Problem is, I can't seem to get it across to husband how to cooperate with a new kind of behavior that I think is necessary for son's happiness and growth right now. He's still trying to reason things through, and let son direct, for example, a prolonged goodnight with mama. I feel that this leads to more anxiety and confusion and we just really have to be the grownups and put aside our fear of being unattachment parents, and give son the firm crisp clear transitions that are kindest for him now. We're both not great at being authoritative, but I think we just have to right now.

So... any good pro-AP books on this developmentally normal need for parents to be good kind authorities with simple clear limit setting skills?

In case it helps you understand what's been going on, here's more description of how things have changed...

We used to take the necessary time to respectfully explain why underwear and pants are a good idea at school when son objected, and the conversation would lead to lots of contentment and cooperation on his part. But now, not so. The more we talk and explain and help him process discomfort, the worse the discomfort gets, and in fact he can get into tantrum states pretty quickly with direct attention to his feelings. I find he does so much better right now with a style of parenting that is hard for me - "Ok, we gotta get the clothes on, here we go, ooh look at the birdie!" while he wails briefly and then with great contentment looks at the bird. Likewise school drop offs have gone from hanging out and happily playing for 10 - 20 min til he tells me to go, to now a nearly surgical transfer to the loving arms of his teacher and kiss and I'm outta there. I hate it every time, but in the first case he whimpers the whole time, and has 5+ min of sadness when I go, and now in the second case he has less than a min of sadness that's over before I get to the car. So that's where I'm coming from.

[crunchy_mommy]

I have no idea on books but 21mo DS has had trouble with transitions for as long as I can remember. He does best with what I call recognize-respond-redirect (lol that sounds like it SHOULD be in a book huh?) Unfortunately DH doesn't seem to understand this concept and spends too long explaining without really verbally recognizing the issue & then waits way too long to redirect. The result is chaos & lots of crying. I wish I could help DH understand the way DS needs him to react, because the poor guy thinks DS hates him.

[mamadelbosque]

DS1 is 3.5 and still has issues with people leaving, or us leaving somewhere fun (ie, grandma's, park, mcdonalds, playgroup, etc). Honestly, I've found its easiest/best to just tell the person (whether thats dad, grandma, or whoever) to JUST LEAVE! Because, IMHO saying "I know, I'll miss you too, its ok, I'll be back soon/next week/whatever" just prolongs the tears. Once said person leaves (or we leave), the tears only last for a minute, and then its back to having fun. I don't really know how to explain this to people other than to tell them to please, just leave!! Good luck

[DevaMajka]

I didn't read the whole op- I need to get off here soon. Just wanted to post these articles that seem relevant.

Where's My Center

Who's in Control? The Unhappy Consequences of Being Child-Centered

Will come back with more ideas...

[Sfcmama]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka 

I didn't read the whole op- I need to get off here soon. Just wanted to post these articles that seem relevant.

Where's My Center

Who's in Control? The Unhappy Consequences of Being Child-Centered

Will come back with more ideas...

Great resources. Thanks so much. Another way to relieve the (unnecessary) pressure to constantly entertain my dd with "child-centered" activities. Watching me do dishes while banging on a pot IS child-centered in that I'm helping her learn what and how life happens...

[sunpath8]

Great articles, thanks for sharing!

[EdnaMarie]

My favorite Gentle Discipline book, the only one I can stand, which does talk about this (especially in "Getting Back on Track") is _Adventures in Gentle Discipline_.  It's a no-nonsense, hard-core, nitty-gritty kind of book written by a geologist.  I love it.  Tons of anecdotes really help a parent see how GD can work with many, many different personality types and how it can be adapted.

[LCBMAX]

Alriiiiight! That's what I'm talking about. Thanks mamas - you're wise and well-read at the same time. Will be getting all this on the theoretical bedside table asap, especially since I now find myself in need of the discipline side of things too - overnight he transformed from a tender little duckling into a rough and tumble little dude, trying to run out into traffic. Breathing, breathing.

[EdnaMarie]

It speaks to how well GD is working in your family if he's just now, at three, starting to run into traffic.  He has not felt the need to push limits until now and that is awesome, because now you have a verbal child to work with.  It's not going to be all words, but at least you can use them.

[la mamita]

There has been a lot of psychological research on the difference and outcomes between authoritarian, authoritative and indulgent parenting. Authoritative is the "winner"--and the wikipedia article here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parenting_styles can give you some links to the research. If you have access to any sort of university library system, you can look up the articles directly too. 

[LCBMAX]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie 

It speaks to how well GD is working in your family if he's just now, at three, starting to run into traffic.  He has not felt the need to push limits until now and that is awesome, because now you have a verbal child to work with.  It's not going to be all words, but at least you can use them.

What you're saying has made a lot of sense to me as I see my friends with their kids, doing so much better now that verbal skills are available. And it was going really well for us too - since well before 18 months, my son's been able to speak really clearly about wants/ no-wants/ likes/ dislikes and hear our reasoning in return. But recently, it's almost the reverse - now the more we use words to work things through, the more frustrated he gets! It's like there's some very small critical mass at which verbal communication stops helping. And we adults seem to love to use words, so we are really challenged to learn techniques that don't! Shhhhhh is what we tell each other now!

[DevaMajka]

The book Secret of Parenting might help with the discipline aspect. I found it quite useful when I realized I was doing too much talking (trying to be CL) and was just making situations more stressful for ds1. It's aimed at kids age 4 and up, but I read it before ds was 4. I just took some ideas and techniques that I liked and thought would be fair and reasonable to use with a littler child, and left the ones that didn't sit well with me. We worked together much better after I read SOP.

I've found every time ds1 has become a little "difficult" that if *I* changed my approach it really smoothed things out.