Another loss, should I be honest with my 3 year old?

[Sienna-forever]

Hi,

I have a problem that I could really use some advice with.

My three and a half year old son has already had to endure so many losses. The loss of his baby sister, the loss of his beloved dog (last month) and other pets (also last month) and now last night his hamster has died. The hamster was very old but still, i'm worried he'll be so upset at another loss.

We haven't told him yet, and we really aren't sure how to go about telling him.

I have always tried to be honest with him, but so many losses in such a short amount of time, i'm worried about the effect it might have on him? Should I tell a white lie somehow to protect him?

I know death is a 'normal' part of life so to speak, but so many losses in a short amount of time seems too much for him to have to cope with.

What would you do?

[Mom2GCNJ]

Sienna-forever I am so sorry for your loss.

My children have also struggled with many losses including the death of a sibling. Protect your son from this loss if you can. Replace the hamster. He will notice and ask about the replaced hamster if he is ready and able to know what really happened. If not he will carry on as if nothing has changed in that tiny part of his world and will be spared another heartache he isn't ready for. I almost never give "you should do this" advice, but in this case, based on two years of helping my children grieve, I know exactly what I would do.

I wish you and your family peace.

[Sienna-forever]

Thank you,

Thats exactly what I was thinking. The thought of having to tell him the news of another loss is heartbreaking, I just feel he's had so much sadness lately.
I will be honest if he asks, but I am worried about the effect of all these losses so early on in his life.
Such a difficult situation to be in

[mkksmom]

I have to agree in this case. I'd replace it and only bring it up if he does. 

(((Hugs)))

[eepster]

I understand why everyone feels that it would be OK to hide it in this case, but I just don't think it will work.  I think he will notice that something is different and feel confused about it.  I think you need to share it with him.

[mamadelbosque]

Be honest. He's going to notice sooner or later and your going to have to either flat out lie or tell him the truth. Just be honest. 

[Mom2GCNJ]

When my daughter was three and a half - almost four - we started a very long series of losses in our family.  At first I was honest with my very bright and precocious little girl about everything.  Quickly though I could see it was taking a toll, and so I stopped telling her everything and did my best to shelter her from things.  I found that when she wanted to know what was going on, and ready to handle the answers, she asked and I answered honestly.  When she wasn't she let herself remain oblivious to the signs of upset around her and happily went about her life.  I followed her lead and trusted her wisdom about her own ability to cope with new losses.  ( This applied to smaller losses.  I did not follow this plan when her brother died when she was 7.)

So in this case, I would replace the hamster and if my child noticed (and from my personal experience that is a surprisingly big if) I would then give him the truth - "your other hamster was very old and died and I knew how much you would miss him and did not want you to be sad so I brought you a new one".  The child already knows more than he needs to about the realities of death and dealing with grief.  I don't think this one instance will amount to a lost learning opportunity, and I would be very surprised if he came away from it thinking lying is ok or that sadness should be swept under the rug.  Sometimes when the losses start mounting, sparing your family a day or two of pain is a noble goal and worth a loving white lie.  In my experience, it gets to be about survival - for Mamas too.  Mother's suffer along with their children, and my sense is, this Mama has already suffered enough.

But, I am not a professional and this is totally just my opinion.

[JBaxter]

We had a series of losses when my oldest was about that age.  Our hamster was "sleeping" all day also.  I did replace it.  After loosing my grandma we didnt need him to bare anymore sadness.  I have done the same thing with a beta fish .... ds3 does NOT take loss well.

[Sienna-forever]

I am so sorry to the others hear that have also lost a child, its heartbreaking and does make parenting any other children harder sometimes, because as a family we've already been through so much and want to protect ourselves and other children from any more pain (((hugs))

My son was only 17 months old himself when my five month old daughter died in Nicu, my daughter was born at 32 weeks and was doing so well at first. My son doesn't remember Nicu, but he does remember the effect it had on us when she died, and as we are still grieving now, he picks up on that also. He knows her name, looks at her photos, and even carries her pink blanket around with him. 

He's still so young, that I don't think he really understands the permanency of death, he keeps saying 'I want Sienna back' and its very hard knowing how to respond to that.

I had some bereavement counselling and they told me the best thing to do was to say that her body stopped working and the dr's couldn't make her better. They said I should not tell him about heaven, as I can't prove it, and that he may grow up to have different beliefs!

However, I have told him that Sienna is in heaven, I hope I haven't messed up by saying that to him :(

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Sienna-forever 

I am so sorry to the others hear that have also lost a child, its heartbreaking and does make parenting any other children harder sometimes, because as a family we've already been through so much and want to protect ourselves and other children from any more pain (((hugs))

My son was only 17 months old himself when my five month old daughter died in Nicu, my daughter was born at 32 weeks and was doing so well at first. My son doesn't remember Nicu, but he does remember the effect it had on us when she died, and as we are still grieving now, he picks up on that also. He knows her name, looks at her photos, and even carries her pink blanket around with him. 

He's still so young, that I don't think he really understands the permanency of death, he keeps saying 'I want Sienna back' and its very hard knowing how to respond to that.

I had some bereavement counselling and they told me the best thing to do was to say that her body stopped working and the dr's couldn't make her better. They said I should not tell him about heaven, as I can't prove it, and that he may grow up to have different beliefs!

However, I have told him that Sienna is in heaven, I hope I haven't messed up by saying that to him :(

:hug  I'm sure you haven't messed up by saying that to him.  It's comforting to many people to believe in heaven, and if he grows up to have different beliefs, I don't think that will affect how he feels about his sisters life and death.  I really wouldn't worry about that part of it.  I'm so sorry Sienna didn't come home :hug