Moving from co-sleeping to independent sleeping?

[beadmama]

Dd and I have co-slept since she was born so the last 2.5 years. My Dh has been in the other bedroom. I have been starting the night in with him them when Dd wakes up I would move into her room and stay the rest of the night. Dh has never liked the idea of co-sleeping and we have agreed to end the co-sleeping but I could really use some advice on how to best approach this for Dd.  For the last 3 nights I have gone in her room each time she woke up but sometimes it takes forever to get her back to sleep and I am exhausted. Last night she woke up 6 times! She knew I was in her bed while sleeping so she was able to transition into the next sleep cycle without waking but now I am not there and she is waking up and wanting/needing me. I would love to continue co-sleeping with her but our marriage can't do it anymore.

Advice on how to make this transition easy for all parties, especially dd, would be greatly appreciated. Dh wants her in her own room and us in ours so she can't have a mattress in our room etc. I already tried that idea with him but it was a solid no.

Please any ideas at all!!!

[Love4Vayla]

I'm right there with you! 

[Dreamy]

If you're starting the night in bed with your husband, why is he so against you joining your daughter when she wakes up? Does he really need you between the hours of 1 and 6 AM more than she does? Just curious why this is such an issue for him (he's not afraid to sleep alone is he?  Sorry - I just don't understand men who get tantrumy over mothers meeting their childs' needs rather than their hubbys' wants ). My son is 30 months old, and I often still do the same as you are doing. This is the way we all get the most sleep, and my husband knows I don't love him any less just because I'm getting sleep wherever works best.

I have been working on moving back to my own bed full time, but it's hard. First we finally put DS' futon mattress up on the frame (it was on the floor since 11 months), and he was so excited about his "new bed". His first night in that bed, I rocked him in the rocking chair, then put him down and told him I would sit in the chair instead of lying down with him, and he was fine with that for a while because he could see me. Then one night there was thunder and he was scared, so now he wants me to hold his hand while he falls asleep. I'm working on getting back in the chair

On a normal night he will wake up once to go to the bathroom, and he'll fall right back asleep afterward. There are some nights he wakes up multiple times though (cold or pushing out those last molars), and on the second wakeup I always join him to spare myself. I figure once he's out of the disruptive toddler years, he should finally sleep through. It's developmental, not something to be forced or agonized over.

[porcelina]

I just wanted to reply that we've been "struggling" with this issue as well. When I was pregnant with DS2, we tried transitioning him to his own room. After having consistently slept through until 4 or 5 am and having just one wake up then, he started waking up every 2 hours again. We eventually gave up. Then, after DS2 came, I transitioned to his room with the baby (he stayed with DH). Once again, he started waking almost every 2 hours and it became a nightmare. Now, I'm back in the bed with him, plus baby and DH. It's been two nights, and I guess he's back to the 4-5 wake up. Problem is, it still often takes him a good 45 min to an hour to get back to sleep.

Underlying issue is, he is really dependent on me to get through those sleep cycles. It's really nice to hear Dreamy's perspective, though, because I often am so tired it's like I take it as a personal attack when he can't sleep. Granted, he often spends the time screaming for things (to nurse, recently eliminated that session, to have soy milk, which I had wanted to phase out as well, for me, when I was not there, for me to put the baby down, which is impossible, etc.), but it's nice to think of it as a developmental need/change.

One resource you might find helpful for ideas is Jay Gordon's book on the Family Bed. He lists out a bunch of stories that people have said is the way their child transitioned to his/her own bed.

[beadmama]

Originally Posted by Dreamy 

If you're starting the night in bed with your husband, why is he so against you joining your daughter when she wakes up? Does he really need you between the hours of 1 and 6 AM more than she does? Just curious why this is such an issue for him (he's not afraid to sleep alone is he?  Sorry - I just don't understand men who get tantrumy over mothers meeting their childs' needs rather than their hubbys' wants ). My son is 30 months old, and I often still do the same as you are doing. This is the way we all get the most sleep, and my husband knows I don't love him any less just because I'm getting sleep wherever works best.

I have been working on moving back to my own bed full time, but it's hard. First we finally put DS' futon mattress up on the frame (it was on the floor since 11 months), and he was so excited about his "new bed". His first night in that bed, I rocked him in the rocking chair, then put him down and told him I would sit in the chair instead of lying down with him, and he was fine with that for a while because he could see me. Then one night there was thunder and he was scared, so now he wants me to hold his hand while he falls asleep. I'm working on getting back in the chair

On a normal night he will wake up once to go to the bathroom, and he'll fall right back asleep afterward. There are some nights he wakes up multiple times though (cold or pushing out those last molars), and on the second wakeup I always join him to spare myself. I figure once he's out of the disruptive toddler years, he should finally sleep through. It's developmental, not something to be forced or agonized over.

I don't get it either but he says he wants his wife back. I did not go anywhere and we still have sex though not as frequently as he would like. I have gotten him around to having her crib mattress, which was never used, on the floor of our room so she starts the night out in her room then when she wakes up I bring her into our room and she sleeps there the rest of the night. It is working okay but she was nightweaned and now she is nursing again 2x a night soooo...

This all started because when she was first born he worked until 11pm ish and needed a really good nights sleep as he worked on very expensive and dangerous machines. She was not a good sleeper due to allergies etc. He seems to have forgoten all of that.
 

[beadmama]

Originally Posted by porcelina 

One resource you might find helpful for ideas is Jay Gordon's book on the Family Bed. He lists out a bunch of stories that people have said is the way their child transitioned to his/her own bed.

Thanks I will check out the book for more ideas!