Thinking of moving on...

[granola_mom]

This is my story.

I got pregnant with DD from a guy who I basically planned on having a fling with. I didn't feel any romantic connection, and I got pregnant within two weeks. He decided to stay, we moved in together to try to make the best of the situation. DD is now four, we're still living together, and I am thinking of moving on. It's five years later, and we've tried working on our relationship, even went to counselling- but people keep talking about "finding the connection you once had" and for me it was never there. 

About four months ago I sat down with him and told him this. He had a meltdown and told me that although he hadn't felt connected for a long time, that he did once love me. So we decided to keep trying to work on it. But as time goes on, nothing is improving and I have a hard time motivating myself to try to salvage something that was never there to begin with. It's like I'm trying to force a connection between us.

I'm going to keep trying, but I've decided that if things don't look promising by spring, I will consider moving on. We're moving to a new city, so it would be a perfect time to part ways (by that I meant separate apartments). 

I don't know who else to talk to, because he reads my e-mails and I'm not comfortable enough to talk about it in person with friends yet. I used to post on this forum often several years ago, and he used to come read my posts, but I think enough time has gone by that he's forgotten about it. 

I'm going to need help figuring this all out- for example, when is the best time to tell him? What will it be like living with someone, even for a short time, who knows you don't want to be with them? How will I make the transition easier for my daughter, especially since we'd be moving to a new city at the same time? And since we're not married (we're common law), what is the separation going to look like with custody, support, etc?

TIA! 

[MissLotus]

First and foremost:  He reads your emails, invades your privacy?  Your email account should be protect by password.  How is he getting to see them?

And I would indeed talk about it with friends.  People can't support you if they don't know what's going on!  With no privacy and not telling people things, you are very isolated and that keeps you in his grasp.  Which sounds like is the way he wants it.

About the legalities - google "family law attorney" for your area, and schedule a consultation.  Knowledge will empower you and help you to see that leaving is a reality.  Through most of your post, nothing came across as that awful until you mentioned that he does not respect your privacy.  Big, scary red flag - so I think it's much more than an issue of "not connecting".  So protect your privacy - you are entitled to that!  Get support from those around you and get informed legally.  You'll see a big difference.

[granola_mom]

He's an engineer, he knows a LOT about computers and even if I change my password, he hacks in. The only answer would be to change my e-mail to some encrypted system, but that would be pretty suspicious! No, he doesn't respect my privacy. He is of the mindset that couples shouldn't have anything to hide. I am of the mindset that I like some privacy, and sneaking around is controlling. Like he opens my credit card statements when I tell him not to- he says I need to share that stuff with him, but I feel like I'd like to avoid a lecture. 

Yesterday he started cleaning out my desk and I told him to stop, then went downstairs to tend to dinner. When I called him, he took another ten minutes to come down for dinner, by which point I was almost done- and told me he'd cleaned out my desk. I attempted to start a fight about it, but he wasn't taking it seriously. 

I should probably start making a list of things like this, so that if I do tell him I'm leaving, I have a coherent list of reasons. Because you're right, its about more than just not connecting. But I say that, because I don't feel like we have any huge problems, and I guess I feel guilty about thinking of leaving when its not a terrible situation. 

[Chantelle691]

Seriously, you need to start another email account and direct all of the people in whom you confide to use that email address. You can get a free one through gmail, or something, and never, ever access it from your home computer. Keep it web-based, or something.  Only check it at a friends' house, or on your phone, or at the library or at work.

[MissLotus]

He is extremely controlling (hacks your password so as not to allow you privacy?!), and disrespectful to you.  He dismisses your concerns and needs.  He tells you what you "should" be sharing with him.  That counts a terrible situation.  It is also emotionally abusive.  That's not a partner, that's a jail sentence.  I see no reason for things to change by spring, because to him, nothing is wrong, and in what way is he trying to change? 

When you say again that you want to leave, he will have another "meltdown" because he can't stand the thought of you getting out from under his thumb.  But realize that once you are out of there, he can't have such meltdowns any more, and that what he says will matter precious little. 

And you know what?  You don't OWE him a list of reasons why you're leaving.  He has no authority over you; you aren't quitting a job.  Here is someone who clearly doesn't care what YOU think.  Trying to explain or reaching a feeling of resolution with him is guaranteed to a frustrating waste of time.  It's seems that you've become so embroiled in his control that you don't get just how bad it is (which is what often happens in abusive relationships) and it's concerning that you're so worried over his possible reaction (over leaving, over changing your email to an encrypted system, etc.)  What would he do to you? 

Something people will suggest, and it's a good suggestion, is get counseling for yourself.  He's too manipulative for couples therapy to work.  And I bet he'll try to object to personal counseling for you, because he doesn't want people to know what he's like.  And I bet he has a lot to do with why you have also isolated yourself emotionally from friends, or else you would have told someone how bad things were by now.  My controlling ex tried a lot of the same crap, didn't respect my privacy, acted entitled about my personal belongings, tried to isolate me from friends, hoodwinked the couples counselor, disregarded my concerns - all of it.  This does not get better by itself.  As demonstrated not just by my experience but a multitude of times on this very board.  You've got to emotionally disengage, or he will keep on manipulating you.  Get legal advice - and get yourself free.

[granola_mom]

He wouldn't do anything, maybe just ask me what I have to hide and guilt me. 

It's quite possible I have no idea how bad it is, since I went from living with my mother who has NPD, and is extremely controlling and manipulative, to living with him. To me, it is a huge improvement over my previous situation, but who knows. I have never been on my own before. 

I was in therapy by myself for many years, dealing with other issues, first my eating disorder as a teenager, then my mother- and this eventually led to the issues I had with him. My therapist felt something was wrong, but directed us to a couples therapist because she felt it would be more helpful. We went to a couple of sessions, and then stopped going. My DP said it wasn't doing much good, and I agreed with him. I guess I felt like he wasn't trying. 

[MissLotus]

I understand, and it makes sense - about going from your mother's environment to his.  My own parental environment was none too healthy, emotionally - but thankfully I'd been away from it a few years, before my ex started in on me, so I knew the difference and very quickly got sick of his patterns of controlling behavior; very offensive.  I'm not into being a doormat.  And the "guilt" thing is gross because it implies that you are not to be trusted - and that's a big insult.  The worse my ex acted, the more he tried to accuse me of things, too - they think it takes the onus off of their own behavior, or gives them an implied "right" to act the way they do.  Being aware that such behavior really is unacceptable is the first step. 

[granola_mom]

Oh and the list is more for myself than for him. I realized a while ago that if it wasn't for DD, I would be gone in a second! Which, depending on who you talk to, is enough of a reason to stay if there isn't any abuse going on. I have a hard time convincing myself that this is a type of abuse, though- then again, I had a hard time convincing myself that my own mother was abusive and still have a hard time accepting it. 

[meemee]

oh mama you need to talk to a friend. you need a person 'far away' from the emotional involvement to tell you what else they see.

i am sooooo sure there is so much more going on that you take for granted, that you feel is normal when its NOT.

you need at least ONE friend to talk to.

i am sure your friends will feel relieved and tell you theyve seen it coming a while back.

perhaps they can help peel back the layers and point to the 'abuse'.

the 'snooping' is a huge red flag and there is no way i would ever be with such a person.

every person including my dd has her right to her privacy, their secrets. no one has the right to insult anyone like that ever. i am sure that is the tip of the iceberg which really shows the kind of person he is.

if no friend i would definitly talk to someone from the domestic violence cousellor in your neighbourhood. it was that person who helped me see the abuse i took that i thought was normal. emotional abuse is hard to prove. however i was NEVER EVER in fear of any physical harm ever.

[red and lulu]

i can relate to so much of your story... the lack of connection, the surprise pregnancy, staying for the baby... even realizing (at the gentle suggestion of my therapist amongst others) that i was in a relationship with a man who shared some pretty unflattering characteristics with my narcissistic mother. i remember the afternoon (just a few days after conception) telling xp that i was really, really done. that i could not, would not, give it another go. i left him standing on the sidewalk and drove back to my mom's, where i was living at the time — she raged on me the second i walked in and so i was back out the door. i sat in my car at the end of the driveway crying, feeling i had nowhere to go, that i had to choose the lesser of the two evils. and so i went back to him. and i've tried really hard to make it work but, like you, i can't deny that the happy relationship i've been trying to "get back to" isn't one we ever had. 

you ask what it's like living with someone who knows you don't want to be with them... xp and i are living together now but aren't together. and it's weird. very weird. he vacillates b/n being sulky,passive aggressive, and trying to sweet talk me to sleeping with him. i've just been trying to keep my head down, take care of myself and dd, and not anger/upset him (which is hard not to do). i do feel rather relieved though, relieved to not be suffocating silently under the truth that i'm unhappy and not wanting to be in this relationship. i can't offer any advice or insight into what happens next.... as weird as things are this way i'm terrified of being away from my daughter and so continue to try to convince myself that he and i could live as roommates indefinitely. i'm not sure how this happens without turning her universe upside down. 

sorry if i hijacked your thread a bit! just wanted to offer some commiseration. i think you should talk to him now. nothing will change by the spring, and you'll feel better once you've spoken your truth. and i agree about getting a secret email and reaching out to friends. remember that you are not responsible for him, so be kind but be honest. don't let him sing you a sad song and make you question the way you feel — the way you feel is valid, and you do not have to expalin yourself to anyone. it can be helpful to write it all down, as a letter or bullet points, like you said you're doing — that way you can't get thrown off by his reaction when you talk to him. good luck, and hugs.

[granola_mom]

Thanks for all your replies everyone. I have a LOT to think about. 

[Mulvah]

Edited response.

Edited by Mulvah - 10/16/11 at 5:10pm