Extreme Clingyness

[abmom5]

I'm really not sure where to post this so please move it if there is a better place for it.  I have 3 kids at home right now.  DD1 just turned 5 today, DD2 and DS are turning 4 & 3 respectively in 3 months. 

Since the beginning of time, my children have been VERY clingy.  This didn't really bother me much when they were little, because they were LITTLE and I love the cuddles.  However, it's getting a little extreme.  DD1 has anxiety issues and has ALWAYS had a problem with personal space - touching people's faces, playing with their hair, constantly touching people but over time the other two have become like this as well (only with me though) and probably because they are fighting for my attention.

With 3 small children CON-STANT-LY touching me I'm feeling so overwhelmed and I hurt their feelings when I ask for my space.  I can't even go to the bathroom.  If they aren't right by me and see me walk down the hallway to the bathroom, they will see me as I pass them in whatever room they are in (we have a small house) and all three of them will follow me in to the bathroom and all three will hop/dance around or touch my legs WHILE I'M PEEING.  I've tried locking the door but then they bang on the door and scream so it's not worth it to me to have to try and calm down the kids just so I can pee without being touched.

Not only does this drive me COM-PLETE-LY IN-SANE, it drives DH bonkers too and we REALLY don't know how to deal with it.  I love the affection from my kids and I offer affection OFTEN through the day but how to I get the kids to respect my personal space without them feeling like I don't want their love?

[newbymom05]

I have 5 and 2 y/o clingers. At some point, maybe when DS1 was 3-4, I started telling him matter-of-factly that I needed my space and/or privacy. They'll still try to follow me into the bathroom, but I tell them I need some privacy and I'll be out in a moment. I think you just need to set boundaries and not feel guilty about it. Just as they've gotten used to being able to be in your space all the time, they'll get use to new rules as long as you're consistent and don't make it seem punitive.

[Linda on the move]

I'm wondering if your older DD might have some very mild special needs. Some of the things you mention are flags for sensory issues. Are your kids in any kind of preschool program? (I'm guessing that your oldest isn't quit old enough for Kindergarten).

I think it's possible that something extra is going on with your first, and your younger kids are using her for a model of behavior. My thought is to put them all 3 in a part time preschool program for several reasons:

1. you need and deserve a break

2. it would help them move past this unpleasant stage

3. you'd have a chance to see your older DD in a new situation with her peers, and it might help make it more clear if there is something more going on with her.

The thing about setting boundaries with our kids is that, even though it can be unpleasant temporarily, it teaches them a lot of stuff that they need to learn. 

<<<I hurt their feelings when I ask for my space.>>> You could choose to reframe this to something like:

When I set appropriate boundaries with my kids:

I help them become more grounded  OR

I teach them set boundaries themselves when the time comes OR

I make our home feel more balanced OR

I let them know they are OK without me for a few minutes OR

I help them find their own strength.

There are lots of ways of looking at this that are positive. As far as when you walk out and they are upset, don't jump into it with them, just transition to the next activity. Let them know that they are fine and that you know they are fine. Help them find their strength rather than playing up to their perceived weakness. They really aren't that weak. They really don't need you every second. You don't have to validate that feeling.

[newbymom05]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I'm wondering if your older DD might have some very mild special needs. Some of the things you mention are flags for sensory issues. Are your kids in any kind of preschool program? (I'm guessing that your oldest isn't quit old enough for Kindergarten).

I think it's possible that something extra is going on with your first, and your younger kids are using her for a model of behavior. My thought is to put them all 3 in a part time preschool program for several reasons:

Would you put a clingy 2.5 y/o in a preschool program? I mean, if the child doesn't want the mom to be in the bathroom alone, do you think they would adjust well to p/s with strange adults/kids? Not being snarky, but genuinely curious. I would love to put my clingy 2.5 y/o in a p/s program, but I can't imagine it going well. I put his bro in one at 4.5 and it was a very tough transition for him--I have a really hard time imagining my little one dealing. He doesn't even like to take classes where I'm present and helping! Did that scenario work for your children? (Putting a clingy toddler in a program.) Again, not being snarky but genuinely curious. Olders I agree, just wondering about the littles.

[Linda on the move]

By the time my kids were 3, they were both going to programs through parks and rec where they were in a class for an hour while I sat outside the door. One of my DDs has a dx'ed social anxiety disorder, sensory issues, and other special needs, so I think it's fair to say that her issues with clinginess were more intense than average.

It is more difficult for some children to learn that they are OK when mom isn't there than it is for other children to learn such a basic lesson, but it is true for ALL kids and it is something to work on once they are past the baby stage. It is part of our job to help our kids find their own strength.

[EdnaMarie]

Well, my kids are not what I'd describe as clingy, but they still come to the bathroom with me.  I think that not being able to pee alone is one of those things all moms face.  LOL.  But I hear what you are saying.  I don't know... it depends on whether they are "I need attention and social input and someone to do stuff with" clingy or "I feel insecure and I need to be touching my mom right now... and now... and now... all the time, really, mom I will fall to pieces if you leave."

If it's the former, then pre-school could definitely be a great option for them, or a lot of playgroups. That might give them the social input, and you the break, you all need.

If we're talking about the latter (what I'd call "true clingyness"), then I do not think pre-school would help. It might make it even worse.

No other advice, OP, as my kids are not clingy, but I hope you get some time off.

[Linda on the move]

I suspect that more is going on with the older child than just clinginess and that getting professionals involved would be helpful to both the child and the parents.

I also suspect that the younger children are learning their behavior from the older child, and would benefit from being around other kids who don't have the same issues.

I'm not saying that the answer to all clinginess is preschool. I was answering a specific post.

[abmom5]

This is true.  The oldest child definately has bigger issues.  Her clingyness is different than the other ones.  I've seen many MANY professionals and we are getting no where and being in a small Canadian town doesn't seem to give me as much options of getting help for her.  She definately has the anxiety type clingyness.  She HAS to touch me, play with my hair, touch my face etc etc.  She has also just recently started acting this way towards DH as well (her step dad) and I have also noticed her doing it with other women - baby sitters, or friends of mine that she has become comfortable with etc.  She has FINALLY gotten to the point where she CAN do things on her own.  She can play the computer without following me around the house.  We have also tried using the MP3 player to get her to sit still and stay calm which seems to be helping, but I don't like the idea of having her "plugged in" all the time.    When she is not working on the computer or watching a movie she is really interested in, she is following me around the house and I'm literally tripping on her.

My 2 & 3 year olds are a whole different type of clingy.  They MUST be on my lap, they MUST be wiggling around hugging me, playing with my hands, touching me.  I can not SIT on the couch for more than 30 seconds without them jumping up from whatever they are doing to climb on me.  They also follow me around EVERY-WHERE.  I realize a lot of mom's don't pee without a little kid audience and that itself doesn't really bother me, it was just an example.  I actually think the - I'm getting up to go get a drink of water from the tap and turn around to trip on both children asking me what I'm doing- is MUCH more annoying....because in that instance it's NOT a big deal but when it is 5000 times a day...it is.

My oldest daughter IS in Kindergarten and seems to be doing well in there.  I've looked into getting 3 year old into a daycare/preschool type program but am having lots of problems with funding.  Government doesn't want to approve subsidy at a level that I can afford so we can't afford to put her in.  In the city, regular school preschool starts at age 3 so she COULD go to a program there but we don't live in the city, and here in town she has to be 4 so she can't start until next year.  My girls are VERY social....for how clingy they are, they have no problem leaving me to go with someone else ... especially someone fun, like a daycare leader or a friends house who has kids their age.  For this I am VERY grateful and am always happy when they get invited for playdates.

I'm pretty sure the clingyness from 2 year old would diminish greatly if he didn't have sisters around for part of the day to fight for attention with.  

I think this is just a concern to me right because I feel like the clingyness needs to be addressed but also the fact that maybe I have sensory issues myself because i don't know how to explain it, but when they are crawling all over me, my skin actually hurts.  When they move around and touch my face it makes me dizzy.

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I suspect that more is going on with the older child than just clinginess and that getting professionals involved would be helpful to both the child and the parents.

I also suspect that the younger children are learning their behavior from the older child, and would benefit from being around other kids who don't have the same issues.

I'm not saying that the answer to all clinginess is preschool. I was answering a specific post.

[shahjehan]

Hugs to you momma.  You sound like you are a great mom who is doing the best for her kids.  I don't have much advice about your oldest DD.  Maybe you could post over in the Special Needs forum?  There may be more moms with advice over there. 

Your two and three year-old sound like all my kids.  Under foot all the time.  I trip over one of them multiple times a day.  In fact one is cuddled up to my shoulder right now and one is asking me to watch her do a trick in her chair next to me.  I know how mentally/physically exhausting and frustrating it is.  I just remember that it will pass as they get older.  Soon they may be teenagers who don't want anything to do with us.

[Linda on the move]

I don't know what to suggest that would make it easier for right now, but things always change. Last year my DD with sn went through a really horrible phase that took over our entire family. It was a nightmare that went on for months. 

She gradually, with lots of help and support, got past it and is doing GREAT right now. My DH and I were talking last night about how it's hard to believe that it's even the same kid.

I hope that this very intense phase passes quickly for you.