how old was your child when they learned that they would die someday?

[indigosky]

Our (longtime, trusted) babysitter told DD, almost 3 years old, that "everybody dies." While I had talked with her about death (a relative died recently), I had chosen not to share the detail that "everybody dies" or that DP and I would also die someday. So when the babysitter told her this, I wasn't thrilled. Now DD asks me, "Will I die someday?"

I feel totally comfortable answering her questions about this (I've told her, "Someday you'll die, but not until you're very, very old -- you're going to be alive for a long, long time."). But it makes me sad that someone else taught her this potentially scary concept at 35 months. I don't think she truly understands the finality of death, but given how much she is talking about it now, she's definitely thinking about it.

My question is, how old are most kids when they realize or learn that they will die someday? Is 3 typical?

[Juvysen]

DD was 3.  Ds1 was 2.  Our cat died and a conversation ensued where DD asked if we would all die and if she would die.  Not sure Ds gets it at all, but over the past year, there's been a lot of "dead" play... I think they're using play  to work through it...

[elmh23]

Dd was 3ish and understood that it was final.  My mom's dog (whom she LOVED) had to be put down.  Ds (4 in February) has heard it for sure, but with his language delay, I'm not sure if he understands or not.

It's completely normal to be talking about it.  All the kids in our group went through a phase about the same time where that's what they talked about and what they played out.

[ollyoxenfree]

I found that a personal loss brings understanding to young children. 

DS was about 2 1/2 yrs. old when my father died (lung cancer). I explained as truthfully as I could, at a level I hoped he could understand, what happened. I still remember his eyes widening in surprise and comprehension when he made the connection on his own that all living things die. I reassured him that he was healthy and his grandfather had not been after a lifetime of smoking.  We talked about working to stay healthy and strong by eating well and exercising. We also talked about our beliefs about what happens when someone dies.  

DD was about 5 or so when our cat died.  Before then, I don't think she had had to deal with the idea of death, other than in the abstract. As an abstract concept, it didn't seem to concern her. When it was a real issue that she had to work through, we had discussions. Our cat was quite old and had many health problems, so I was able to create some distance rather than present death as anything likely or immediate that she should worry about. 

[CatsCradle]

DD became aware of death and dying between 3 and 4, and is now (at 4) talking about it a lot.  It first came up when she started really looking at photographs of our deceased cats and of her deceased Bubbie (who died before DD was born) and noticed dead birds and squirrels in the street.  In fact, the other day she asked me if anyone comes back from the other side.  We're not religious but have always tried to be honest in that "No, no one ever comes back...but I'm sure they are waiting for us and they probably miss us so much!" 

Like the PP, she says "dead" a lot.  Like with her stuffed animals and other objects. 

[Shaki]

DD learned about death very young. She is almost 5, now. We had a fish who died when she was about 1.5--I could have replaced the fish and she would not have known but her best friend (the daughter of our close friends) had brain cancer and it was likely death was going to come up, so I decided to be up front about the fish dying. I explained what happened, we buried the fish and had a memorial for it. After the fish, my Grandmother died (at home, she lived with us) and DD witnessed the entire death vigil etc. Then DD's friend died (when Dd was 3). And then our cat died. So we've had a lot of death going on. DD is familiar with both death and grief--and she's ok.  If we hadn't have had so much actual death happening in our lives I don't know when the subject would have come up, as it was we've had to be very open about it.  DD has also seen that life goes on, she has seen that we all have different ways to remember loved ones who have passed, she has seen it as being a part of life. Which, i think, is different than just sort of dealing with the abstract concept of death--in a way the abstract might be scarier because there is no healing process attached.

[eepster]

My mother died when DS was 2 3/4 yo.  She had been sick for a while.  We had books and such.  That was almost 2 years ago.

Questions about death have come up over and over again since then.  This has included DS asking when he will die.  I'm not sure when he realized that he would also die some day, but he pretty much figured it out from other question he had asked.

[lyterae]

As with most of the other posters, DD was around 3. It wasn't until the past year that she suddenly realized that we (her parents) could die, and that has been the hardest part. She will occasionally go through bouts of emotional turmoil at the idea that one day DH And I will not be here. She does not understand the concept that hopefully that will be a LONG time from now. So we'll have about a half hour of tears and then suddenly were on to other things and some days she is so very nonchalant about death that it is a little disturbing.

[ChetMC]

Three

Our girls were about three.  Older DS is 2.5 and death is totally not on his radar yet.

[3xMama]

DD was, like pretty much everyone else's kiddos, 3.5 when she learned about death. My DH's great-grandmother passed away at that point, so we had to explain it all to her. It took a lot of explanation many many times over for her to get it. I'm not really sure at this point that she understands it completely, having not really gone through pets passing or anyone closing passing.

But ever since then (a yr ago), she's brought it up randomly. I get a lot of "Are you going to die?" "Will I die?" I answer with "Yes, but not for a long long time." I do remember being pretty freaked by how often she'd bring it up and I talked with my parents about it-both of whom have extremely large families and therefore an extensive background with kids. According to them, its very normal at this age. So I stopped worrying about it.

[IntuitiveJamie]

This happened just last weekend. My dh's Gma died. We not only discussed with the children about death at this point, but they went to the funeral and it was open casket. They saw Gma in the casket.

My children are 3 and 5.
I have no fears or issues surrounding death. I am hoping to pass that onto my children. They were interested, but generally unfazed by the whole situation. My 5 year old asked the most questions, but it brought up no fears for either of them.

[Daffodil]

DD was 2 1/2 when I told her everyone dies someday.  DS might have been a bit older, but I know he knew by the time he was 3 1/2.  I think it's actually easier on kids if they learn this really young, before they're old enough to fully grasp all the implications.  That way, by the time they're old enough to be really horrified about it, it will be old news and they'll be less likely to dwell on it.

[indigosky]

My 5 year old asked the most questions, but it brought up no fears for either of them.

While I'd like to think I know what DD is thinking about (and what she's fearing), I know from my own childhood that I was VERY effective at hiding my fears from my mother -- who is an extremely intuitive, even psychic person, very nurturing and tuned in. But I really kept my inner life very hidden from her. I had MANY deep, terrifying fears as a child (including as a preschooler) that I never mentioned to her. I also had some very traumatic things happen to me as a small child that I kept 100% to myself, for no reason at all. Over the years as an adult, I've shared some of these with her, and she has been amazed and shocked by some of the things that so terrified me, and how deeply I was wounded by things she'd had no idea had any impact on me. Looking back, of course I wished I had shared more with her, because there are all sorts of parenting things she could have done that would have helped me feel better and safer. But for whatever reason, my 3 year old self kept a lot of secrets from her. Remembering this is part of why it makes me a little sad to know that my daughter is thinking about all this, and that I wasn't the one to introduce the topic to her. I'm probably projecting my inwardly-tortured little-kid self onto her -- I hope she will choose to share all her fears with me. But I also know from my own experience that there's really no way for a parent to know what a child's emotional experience is.

I am definitely glad to hear that it's probably likely she would have learned that she will die someday in the relatively near future, anyway.

I think it's actually easier on kids if they learn this really young, before they're old enough to fully grasp all the implications.  That way, by the time they're old enough to be really horrified about it, it will be old news and they'll be less likely to dwell on it.

I do think that's a fantastic point, and the approach I take and recommend to others with "difficult" topics. So thank you for that reminder!

[StephandOwen]

At 7 I don't think my ds understands death or dying at all. Thankfully he's only been exposed to one loved one who died (my sisters son was stillborn) but ds was young and totally didn't understand what had happened at all. Other than that he's had no experiences with death so there's never been an opportunity to discuss it.

[meemee]

yup OP. its all about the individual. i cant remember being curious about death. dd first discovered death when we found a dead sparrow. however she also knew my dad and brother were dead. she has grown up with stories about them.

she asked about death at 2 and by 3 she got a lot of it. she really wasnt scared or upset about herself dying. and yeah i also shared that yes she could die and yes i could die too but i hope that that doesnt happen for many years. she didnt get all of death at 3 - when she was upset, but she did get that they were gone forever. seh was extremely upset at the thought of losing her gparents - they were old so accord. to her probably the first to go. she was pretty good at expressing her feelings in some way or form. so we would sit with her sadness. i would never try to fix it, but i would agree i hoped her gparents didnt die and that we hope to see them for longer. however they were dead within two years. dd was right there helping them thru hospice and holding their hands as they passed as well as singing at mil's memorial service. it certainly brought a lot of closure for her to be so involved.

the sadness never goes away. two years later finally dd has stopped crying so often. as a parent all i could do was hold her and just be there in silence with her.

what they need for us as they go thru profound subjects is to know we are always there and they are not alone in their sadness. i have never hidden anything from dd and answered correctly when she asked. including at 7 when i knew she was ready to learn about my bro's suicide.

i have never tried to divert her attention or change the subject. we have sat and always explored her feelings.  

[velochic]

Dd was about 2.5 - 3 yo.  She was more traumatized when she made the connection that I would die first.  We've had several "episodes" of crying and talking through this as her understanding of death matured.

I've never lied to dd and told her that she would live to be old or that I would live to be old... I think it's more important to explain that death is unpredictable, but not to fear it.  I'm sorry, but I absolutely do not agree with telling kids they will live until they are very old.  Or that we will.  It's just not a promise we know we can keep and I'd hate to lose trust about something that we have no control over.

Edited by velochic - 11/11/10 at 4:36am

[IntuitiveJamie]

Originally Posted by indigosky 

While I'd like to think I know what DD is thinking about (and what she's fearing), I know from my own childhood that I was VERY effective at hiding my fears from my mother -- who is an extremely intuitive, even psychic person, very nurturing and tuned in. But I really kept my inner life very hidden from her. I had MANY deep, terrifying fears as a child (including as a preschooler) that I never mentioned to her. I also had some very traumatic things happen to me as a small child that I kept 100% to myself, for no reason at all. Over the years as an adult, I've shared some of these with her, and she has been amazed and shocked by some of the things that so terrified me, and how deeply I was wounded by things she'd had no idea had any impact on me. Looking back, of course I wished I had shared more with her, because there are all sorts of parenting things she could have done that would have helped me feel better and safer. But for whatever reason, my 3 year old self kept a lot of secrets from her. Remembering this is part of why it makes me a little sad to know that my daughter is thinking about all this, and that I wasn't the one to introduce the topic to her. I'm probably projecting my inwardly-tortured little-kid self onto her -- I hope she will choose to share all her fears with me. But I also know from my own experience that there's really no way for a parent to know what a child's emotional experience is.

I am definitely glad to hear that it's probably likely she would have learned that she will die someday in the relatively near future, anyway.

 Thank you for making a great point. So let me rephrase my initial statement: Dealing with the passing of my dh's Gma last week, has not seemed to bring any sorts of fears visibly to the surface of either of my children. As an attached parent, I am using all of my sensibilities to stay in tune to what may be under the surface and be demonstrating itself through sudden 'bad' dreams, or behavior that is demonstrating some sort of discomfort. I do this for any new situation/experience that arrives in our/their lives. You are right on that I cannot possibly know everything that is going on within my child. But that is life as a parent. So in the situation surrrounding death and dying, I will do my best to explore it with my children in the way that feels comfortable to our family. Thus far, with this one very recent experience, I am not noticing anything that is causing me to concern that my children are not handling this somewhat obscure topic. I will continue to field questions in the best manner I know how as well as try to foster an acceptance of this subject through non fearful eyes.
 

[LaFlaca1226]

A little side-note about conversations about death.  My dd is 3 and has known about death for a few months now.  Somehow in the course of conversation, I told her that "Family is forever."  She asked me "Are you forever?"  No.  "Am I forever?"  No.  But you'll always be my daughter, even after we're both gone.  She LOVES this, and asks me to tell her about it all the time now.  Kinda creepy, but it seems to make her feel good.  I think it helps to soften the idea that we are gone forever when we die.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by IntuitiveJamie 

Dealing with the passing of my dh's Gma last week, has not seemed to bring any sorts of fears visibly to the surface of either of my children.

Many times many children or the same child will show grief differently. the time will come. in a little while. its easier for them to not jump on their feelings quite yet but to just be with it. so yeah i think just being available with all eyes and ears open is KEY. one thing i have noticed also matters is what you do. how you handle. and many times they take cues from you when you are not sure how to handle things.