Waiting To Adopt Non DDC - November 2010

[Smithie]

This is a "Non Due Date Club" for all the Mamas waiting to adopt kiddos, whether newborn or older. We can share our stories, encourage each other while we wait and be patient (or not) for our little ones to arrive.

Feel free to join in if you are waiting for a foster kiddo, a relative or an adoption in any stage. We're not trying to be exclusive at all. Mamas who don't have any kids yet but who are waiting to adopt or foster a kiddo are also welcome. Also feel free to chime in if you have previously adopted and have stories or advice to share.

Please keep this thread supportive and gentle. We all have different journeys and different ways of "getting there". Here is the link to October's Non-DDC

It is my supreme pleasure to move Tiffani to the Graduates!!!! 

Everybody else, please LMK your updates...

Waiting to adopt DDC Roll Call!!!


**Waiting to Start/Research**

HeatherAtHome (Heather)
Hoping to foster/adopt
Bought a house, renovating before starting the process

airmide_m
Adoption plans on hold

chanibell
International Adoption
Thinking stage for #2

Bella Catalina
Hoping to adopt from Ethiopia
Researching agencies

Veronika01
Hoping to adopt
Researching programs

azmomtoone
Researching domestic and foster-adopt
Waiting to get on orientation list for foster care

just_lily
Domestic Public Adoption
Starting classes summer '10

Ladyofmoonlight
International adoption from DRC
Just beginning the process

MovingMomma (Shannon)
International adoption
Rwanda closed, considering options

Katherine

State foster/adopt

Attending classes Dec '10



**Waiting for Approval**

Alvenchrst
Foster/adopt
Working on paperwork

Marcimama

International Adoption

We just getting started with our homestudy

Trying to decide between independent or agencies

SimplyRochelle (Rochelle)
Hoping to adopt from foster care
Working on paperwork

ladycop79 (Heather B)
Hoping to foster
Taking MAPP classes

mightyisis6874
Domestic Infant Adoption
Applying with agency
Waiting for homestudy

willowbean
Licensing for foster hoping to foster-adopt
Working on home study

JoyfamMama
Fostering and Foster to adopt
Waiting for homestudy

Smithie
State Foster/Adopt Program
Older Child Adoption
Waiting for homestudy

Whistler (Erin)
International Adoption from Ethiopia
Dossier is almost complete!



**Waiting for a Referral/Match**

BeckC (Rebecca)
Domestic Transracial Newborn Adoption
Homestudy approved 8/09
Waiting to be matched

lamamax3
Domestic Newborn Adoption
Licensed and waiting to be matched

sesa70 (Theresa)
Domestic Transracial Infant Adoption
Homestudy approved 11/09
Waiting for a match

angie6191
Hoping to adopt current foster kiddos
Starting process for domestic transracial newborn adoption
Approved 11/09
Waiting for a match

excitedtobeamom
Adopting from Thailand
Waiting on referral (hopefully summer/fall 2010)

Ttoes
Domestic Newborn Adoption
Homestudy approved
Waiting to be matched

Mama K (Kim)
Domestic Transracial Newborn Adoption
Homestudy approved 12/09
Waiting to be matched

Armom
Adoption through state foster care system
Matched with a 4.5 year old boy through state

miche28
Domestic private adoption newborn through 2 years
Homestudy approved
Waiting for a match

Erintoadopt
Domestic Adoption
Waiting for a match

sagewinna

Domestic infant adoption

Homestudy approved

Waiting for a match

veganjoy
Foster to adopt
Approved 8/10

Sbrinton (Sara)
International adoption
Mourning for Shaida, awaiting another referral


**Matched/Waiting to Travel**

raqmykds (Raquel)
Transracial domestic adoption
Matched with an emom due 5/8/10!

leahcar
Homestudy approved 07/09
Hoping to adopt an older child (girl)
Matched with a 9 year old girl
Waiting for ICPC

alinae
International adoption from Taiwan
Received referral 4/10 for a little boy!
Waiting to travel

Armom
Adoption through state foster care system
Matched with a 4.5 year old boy through state



**Waiting for TPR/Finalization**

mamalemon
Domestic Newborn Adoption
Baby boy is home 9/09!
Waiting for finalization

mamarhu
Foster/adoptive parent, hoping to adopt DFC
Moving towards permanent legal guardianship

crl (Catherine)
Updating homestudies for China and Kyrgyzstan
Homestudy for domestic adoption approved 12/09
Matched with an emom having a girl due in April
Baby girl is home 4/10!
Waiting for finalization

azedazobollis (Christine)
Domestic Newborn Adoption
DD came home 12/08
Waiting for finalization

DTmama1
Matched with sibling group from foster care
Ages 6, 9, 10, 11, and 13
Kids are moved in!

ftlmom2001
Domestic private adoption
Baby boy born 10/09!
Waiting for finalization

hdeering
Foster parents to 3 yo, 3 yo, and 5 month old. 
Moving towards adoption with 2 out of 3, but maybe all 3. 
TPR hearing for 1 or 2 of them in Jan.

queenjane
Hoping to adopt 2yo DFS and his 8 yo sister

griffin2004
State Foster-to-Adopt Program
Waiting for a placement
Matched with a 3 year old girl
Waiting for TPR

**Graduates!!**

Whistler (Erin)
Domestic Transracial Newborn Adoption
Baby boy born on 9/29
Home on 10/9!
Finalized 4/10!

candm
International Haitian adoption
Finalized, our son and daughter are home!

rebyell
Domestic adoption
Baby girl born 11/10/09!
Finalized 3/10!

someonenamedleah (Leah)
Domestic Transracial Infant Adoption
Baby boys born 1/09!
Finalized 5/10!

curliemama
Private domestic adoption
Baby girl is home 2/10!
Finalized 8/10!

Crpsmnwife
International adoption from Ethiopia
Dossier approved
Received referral 4/26/10
Our son is home 7/17/10!

christophersmom (Carly)
Hoping to foster
Approved 10/09
Baby girl placed 1/10!
Finalized 8/10!

tiffani
International African adoption
Received referral for 2.5 year old boy and 5 mo old girl!
COMING HOME SOON!!!

Polliwog (Beth)
Hoping to adopt DFD who is free for adoption

Finalized 11/10!

Another foster/adopt placement in 2011? Maybe!

************************************

Edited by Smithie - 11/29/10 at 6:15pm

[Smithie]

I had a very frustrating conversation today with a private agency. My DSS worker, who has not been able to get somebody out to our house for the homestudy for SEVEN MONTHS, finally admitted that she's not making progress on any non-emergency homestudies and suggested that we look into fostering through a particular private agency as a path to adoption. She gave me the contact info and told me to use her name. 

Boy, were they pleased to hear from me! They are growing their program by from 50 to 75 families by June 2011, and serve a lot of children in our desired age group. They have placements available right now.

Here's what my DSS worker didn't realize - that this agency, which is both a recipient and a conduit of public monies and follows all the DSS rules and procedures (since all the kids they serve are still in DSS custody), only works with 1) Christians and 2) that particular subset of Christians who are able and willing willing to write a "testimony" for public consumption.

My tax dollars. MY TAX DOLLARS. I was talking on the phone to a woman who is actively and openly (proudly!!!) practicing religious discrimination with money that she receives from my government.

I could puke. I managed not to holler at her - what's the use? - and left a message with my worker explaining that this avenue is closed to us, But...   

[queenjane]

Smithie that doesnt sound legal does it?

[Smithie]

It's totally legal. See, it's not discrimination if you have RELIGIOUS reason for it... 

... I ran into another family at basketball practice who are on the foster-adopt path and have reached the stage of being interviewed for placements, and she told me that the actual DSS caseworkers (not even the "private" Christian-affiliated agency) were straight-up rude to her on a regular basis about being Jewish, and she really feels that they have been passed over for placements because the workers were looking for a (conservative Protestant) Christian family. It's very discouraging. 

[kathteach]

Hi, I'm Katherine.  I've been lurking on this forum since about 2005, but I am finally attending a fost/adopt orientation in December through the county.  I'll let you all know how it goes!

[Smithie]

Hey Katherine! Welcome! I look forward to hearing aout your training - I am FASCINATED with how trainings seem to differ from state to state!

I am thinking about calling my worker on Monday and asking to be put in the straight-foster pool. THAT should get our homestudy finished right quick, and 60% of the kids in this state who are adopted from foster care are adopted by their straight-foster placement. Question is - can a family that's "in it" to adopt be a good foster family? I have met some people IRL this year who believe that they did a good job fostering, and eventually adopted a placement. Did they really do a good job, or are they rewriting history in their heads? Could my biokids accept the arrival and departure of other kids, or would they start to think that we'll be sending THEM away at some point? Aaaaaaaugh. This is a really tough call. 

[Polliwog]

Yes, if you are willing to support reunification and just wait for adoption to happen when it happens, then you can be a great foster parent.  And kids have great capacity to understand about children needing temporary homes while their parents work out their problems.  You really need to accept placements wisely and provide your kids with lots of books about fostering/foster families. 

[sagewinna]

Hi all, looks like I am back here after my roller coaster of the past few months.

I talked to our social worker, we can be taken off hold and start looking for a match again in February. Not sure where that puts me on the list exactly.

[Smithie]

Thanks for the encouragement, Polliwog! I was hoping you might give me a vote of confidence. 

Can I support reunification? In lots of cases where I'm considering the issue in the abstract, I certainly DO. I can definitely support efforts towards reunification. I can definitely refrain from talking smack about the BPs (that was always part of the deal anyhow). But it's really sort of a crapshoot, whether a child who gets placed with me and goes home will be sent away with joy or with fear and trembling. It all depends on what I think they're going home to. 

[Smithie]

Welcome back, sagewinna!

[Smithie]

And everybody please check the Roll Call and let me know if your entry needs to be updated!

[queenjane]

Originally Posted by Smithie 

Question is - can a family that's "in it" to adopt be a good foster family? I have met some people IRL this year who believe that they did a good job fostering, and eventually adopted a placement. Did they really do a good job, or are they rewriting history in their heads?

I fostered when i was "really in it to adopt"...i had waited over a year for a straight adoptive placement, but when i found out that something like 90 percent of kids in our state are adopted by foster parents or relatives, and that only a very small percentage were available to straight adopt parents (and a huge percentage of those kids had significant behavior issues or were older teens), I switched agencies and got a foster license . Within a month of getting licensed I was placed with a brand new baby who is now my son. Yes, it was VERY hard to have this baby that you want to keep, but not know if it will happen (esp when i had family members saying stupid stuff like "when they see how bonded you are, they wont take him away" or "it was meant to be, there is no way he'll go") but it wasnt as hard as sitting empty knowing i could provide a home to a child and having no one call me yknow?

When I was placed with my current foster son it was different because his parents were actively involved, fighting hard to get him back (i'm sure his dad STILL is in disbelief that he lost rights), and had visits every week that they NEVER missed. He very clearly was "someone else's child" and it was only when TPR was in sight that i could really view him as MY child, and even then the figure of his mother loomed large. I knew he could leave even though it was likely he would stay. The only time it felt really awful was after TPR, when it seemed there was no other interested parties and i really allowed myself to believe "he is mine" THEN a relative wanted him and it was really up in the air for awhile, that was awful.

I've never had to give a child back that i desperately wanted to keep, though, so I cant really speak to that. I did have one little girl go to a relative after two months, but even though i worried for HER hoping she would be ok, it didnt really hurt ME as it was kind of a "bad match" anyway (my son was *miserable* with her.)

That being said, i dont know if i'm up for fostering anymore...i dont like dealing with the *agency* B.S. for months or years on end with no end in sight. At least with adoption there is usually an "out" date (six months after placement you finalize, for example)....so i think if i adopt again, I may try to straight adopt a young child (under 18 months or so)...the economy in MI sucks so i think more FPs are choosing to NOT adopt their FC, esp if its a child under three since they dont come with subsidy.

[queenjane]

Oh i forgot to add my main point which is...i think as long as you dont try to sabotage reunification and support the case plan whatever it may be, its fine. Its hard when you want something badly while having to actively work toward another goal but i actually DIDNT find it difficult to try to forge a bond with my son's relative for example, even though he was the ONLY thing standing in the way of me adopting my baby (and we have an ok relationship now, he's the only one from the bio family who maintains contact. :( ) I actually enjoyed meeting my second son's parents, and toward the end actually looked forward to visits with the mom. I felt like i did my best to emotionally support her (even though that wasnt my "job") and i think she felt as comfortable as she could be with me raising her kids. The only thing i would caution is to know that until an adoption is finalized anything can happen so just sort of keep things flexible.

[tjstyers]

I'm up way past my bedtime, but I stumbled upon this forum and I'm so glad.  I have such a long story, but I'll make it extremely brief.  DH & I have been ttc for 6+ years, and I've never gotten a + preg test.  We looked into domestic & international infant adoption (too expensive & potentially emotionally exhausting), IVF (too expensive & I just really don't want to), and foster/adopt (I discovered that I wasn't really ready at the time we went through our classes).  I've kept praying & praying this whole time, though; I'm not satisfied with the possibility of never having kids!  Well, out of nowhere (and I don't believe in coincidence!) I have met a young woman in a bad situation who would like me to adopt her baby, due 12/14/10.  I want this more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.  DH & I are white, bio mom is white, bio dad is black...DH has never been comfortable with the idea of parenting a biracial child.  Also, bio mom's been on methadone treatment & smoked heavily through the whole pregnancy.  Methadone is what you take to help you quit heroin, it doesn't seem to have much in the way of long-term side effects on the baby, from the research I've done.  Birth Mom has fam history of mental illness, too.  DH wants to run screaming, but I still have hope that when the baby is born, it will all become clear.   Birth mom will keep baby if we don't adopt, she's hoping when her boyfriend gets out of prison (did I mention he was in prison???) in 6 months, they'll get a place together & have a future, but she knows she's too unstable to care for this baby right now.  Any words of wisdom?  Thank You!

[Smithie]

1. Good luck!

2. Get a lawyer, an adoption-specializing lawyer, who can get the legal ball rolling and provide you with a referral to an adoption-specializing counselor. DH may not change his mind about this and that's his right, but I would say this it's YOUR right to have him explore the issue with professional guidance, and it's definitely the pregnant lady's right to have professional help as she navigates this situation. 

[tjstyers]

Thanks, Smithie :)  We actually talked to my family's lawyer today, he's going to refer us to someone in the county where birth mom lives, and also strongly advised us to contact an adoption agency, because apparently judges are VERY hesistant to approve private adoptions any more.  There are concerns about buying babies, and they like to have an agency involved.  DH sounds less closed-minded the more we talk about it, so I'm still praying & hoping for the best.

[Smithie]

Great news! An agency will hopefully cover your bases with counseling. It's infuriating, however, that you are getting pressured to use (and pay) a middleman when the mom found you and picked you all on her own. But good for your lawyer to tell you what you are facing with the judge.

[sesa70]

I have a question for those who know about domestic adoption....

we have been waiting about a year (a month or so more) and have only had our profile looked at once. The way our agency does it is that a short profile goes in a binder and birthparents look through that binder, meaning they see all the potential adoptive parents and can choose which ones they would like to see a profile on.

Our agency averages 3-6 placements per month.

Does this sound normal? I am not sure what we can do differently, but it seems a little off that we have not been looked at. I guess I am just trying to figure out standards.

[HeatherAtHome]

I am going to be watching my nephew in my home 4 days a week while my sister is in school from Jan to end of April. He was born Monday so by the time I start watching him he will be 7 weeks old. It feels like a nice way to get my feet wet in having a baby in the house/taking care of a baby that isn't mine. Still leaning towards having 1 bio before fostering/adoption. We'll see. 

[tjstyers]

Smithie, I talked to another lawyer who knows more about private adoptions than my original lawyer did.  It's been a long time since the first one did a private adoption, so he's not really up to date on the in's & out's any more; sounds like this may be easier than I thought.  An agency is involved because EVERY adoption in the state is required to have a home study, so the agency will do that for us, and it's only $325 or something.

Heather, I've been watching my niece 3 days a week since she was born, and I agree, it's a great way to get you feet wet, and also satisfy your baby urges for a while ;)  Have fun!