Need Help with unsupportive family - Page 2

[annettemarie]

Because this is about baby-led weaning to solid foods and family conflict, I am moving to Life with a Babe.

[NewBeginnings1]

I get a lot of backhanded questions/comments about not starting solids ( at 4 months! ) as well. If it becomes more of an issue I am going to ask them this:

"When you were a parent, who made the decisions about how your child was cared for and raised?"

"I/We did"

"Well then, I think that the least you can do is let me do the same"

or a one-liner

" Do you remember when you'd get a lot of well meaning, but unwanted advice as a parent?"

I also feel that with my mother, she feels that I think how I was raised was wrong, or that I am trying to do it better. I try make my focus that I am doing something different, and that it is what I feel is right for my child. Maybe our moms and dads just need to be told "Thank you" for raising us the way they did. Let them share their story of raising you. By embracing the past, you validate their choices (you turned out fine, right?). But you have the right to make your own now.

When you swim against the current, you have to be strong! You can do it. 

[P.J.]

To the OP: how was it over Christmas?

I agree that you need to set firm boundaries. My family on both sides are pretty supportive, but I have said to SIL "I will not discuss this with you" and then changed the subject. I hate confrontation so believe me, I know how hard it is. But this is one situation that, IMO, may call for it if being firm and changing the subject doesn't help. Tell them how hurtful it is to you, how stressed out it makes you. And if it really doesn't stop, I would yes, cut them off. Because they stress you so and it ends in yelling, that is not good for you or your child. Maybe do like a "trial separation" and say "We are going to take a break, it always stresses me out too much being around you, let's try not meeting up for the next (time period) / 3, 6 months".

Good luck! Let us know how you're doing if you get the chance.

[whozeyermamma]

Just also have to add my hugs of encouragement.

I think that it's important for you to set these boundaries with your family now - it will only get harder as your babe gets older. I can say that I thought I fought these battles with my inlaws when DD was born 7 years ago (BFing, being vegetarian, cosleeping, etc.) but no - same battles all over again with this little DS.

I like both the simple "No" answer and the "bean dip" one. Hang in there ...

[Calliope84]

Good thread. This reminds me of my family. They are driving me nuts and I need to figure out the boundaries. On one hand, I want my mom, step dad, and in laws to be a part of my daughters life and I want to honor the fact that they did raise kids and let them offer well-meaning advice... (My mom I think is trying to keep her opinions to herself, but she isn't always great at it.)

But on the other hand.. I don't think they respect what I want to do at all.

And to whoever said the thing about asking family to back up their opinions with studies. Ha ha. My MIL was supporting her opinions about vaccination with a Law and Order episode even after I informed her that was completely fictional. I could have a PhD in immunology and she still wouldn't listen to what I said.

When my in-laws visited, my mom and step dad came over and they ALL started telling me how fat I was and that I'd gained too much weight. It was hell and went on for a good 20 minutes. My sister tried to stand up for me and then they told her she was fat. I was 4 weeks PP! If I wasn't related to these people and they were only friends, I would never ever see them or talk to them again!

[bananabee]

Oh man. I'm also 30, with a now 7 mo old. This is sooo what I went through over the holidays when I went to visit my family 2000 miles away. They wanted to argue about EVERYTHING. Socks, what to feed her, when to feed her, spoon size, when to change her, when to bathe her, what to change her on, how long to let her cry, what she wants when she cries, etc.

Because I'm such a bad mom. Oh, the info they schooled me on while I was there:

She needs APPLESAUCE for her BRAIN DEVELOPMENT.

She's only crying because she's used to getting attention that way.

I'm only breastfeeding for MY benefit (nevermind I've gained 45 lbs WHILE doing it).

It wouldn't hurt me to just let everyone tell me what to do all the time.

I never listen to ANYONE!!

I don't explain enough!

I explain too much!!

Well, I'm just too eloquent when I DO explain, because no one else understands what I'm saying. (oh, excuse me for going to college!! no WONDER they didn't acknowledge my graduation)

I need to apologize for disagreeing with my 27 YR OLD SISTER (childless, two-time college drop-out who has 3 friends who've had babies therefore she's the expert) on the vax debate because she's going to cry herself to sleep.

My 78 yr old grandma has raised dozens of babies, so she knows what's best! (um, yeah, 4, and that was in the 50s)

Whenever I say "well, I've researched XYZ..." is me being arrogant.

Nevermind that they are a whole bunch of idiots who have no idea how to install a carseat, they kept trying to be "helpful" by getting in the way while I rethreaded the straps and strapped it in correctly. Nevermind that THEY are the ones who can't take a gentle hint, or even a nice polite firm hint to back off. I finally got confrontational and politely stood my ground. My mom tried her darndest to criticize me to the point that I would buckle, but I didn't. She even remarked, "When you say ABC, it sounds like you're trying to say $%@^ OFF." I said, "Yes!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY!! #$%^ OFF!!" She reeled a little, and backed off for about 3 hrs. LOL Then around and around we went again. I was never so happy to get back on a plane!! But I did end up telling all the females in the house to back off and get over themselves, and that I had no intention at all of apologizing for having my own opinions. Especially since I've spent plenty of time sorting issues and deciding where I stand. They didn't like it, but *I think* they learned not to tangle with Mama Bear anymore. I'm an adult, and regardless of anyone else's neurotic control issues, DD is MY baby, and it's OUR life, not theirs.

Not to mention, DD is as bright, happy, active, cuddly, and full of curiosity as any infant possibly could be. She sleeps through the night, she only fusses when she's hungry, bumps her head, or needs a change, she's got her first tooth, starting to crawl, not a rash anywhere, no ear infections or health issues of any kind, and she'll laugh at just about anything. What could they possibly see as needing fixing?

And NO, if someone is just spouting their views in the form, "You need to start...", I am NOT going to sit there and explain my decisions. But if they ask and really wanted to know, I surely would. Unfortunately, they're not interested in listening to me at all. They all think they know better, and have this ominous tone in their voices that implies impending doom if I don't change my ways, leave her to cry (because, as grandma put it "you don't need your mother!"), switch breastmilk for applesauce, give her sharp tiny spoons, and put socks on her even when she feels kinda warm. Because it's so much more important that I get a shower, grandma gets to feed her, and she wear socks because she's a baby...nevermind actually tuning in to my baby's needs. Nevermind that her brain is developing now in ways that will affect the rest of her life. But who cares if her carseat is installed correctly, because that's not going to show in grandma's holiday photo album.

*huff!!*

Here's to a new year of strong spines and doing what's best for our babies!! Thank God the holidays are over!!

Edited by bananabee - 1/8/11 at 10:19pm