I can't keep fighting with DH... <rant>

[tibeca]

I can't seem to get through to DH and I am ready to just leave and have this baby on my own. Today I was having regular contractions (5 min apart, increasing intensity etc.). I asked DH to take a walk with me to keep things going. Instead of support, I got to hear every complaining reason as to why we shouldn't. Too dark. Too cold. He's tired, etc. WHAT?!

Then to make things worse, I tell him to grab his coat so we can sneak out while DD stays with grammy. Instead of Ok, he goes and tells DD, "We're going for a walk. I'll be back." She never lets me go anywhere without her. EVER! If my mom hadn't quickly distracted her, I would have been stuck at home, trying to get labor going.

It seems like he's doing everything he can to sabotage my labor. He intentionally picked a fight, knowing it would stall my labor. He questions me on everything, rather than saying, "Ok, we can do this your way." I am again stuck. My labor has stalled for the 3rd time. I want this baby out. She is clearly ready. DH may NEVER be ready.

I was so very clear with him before we decided on homebirth that I needed his support 100%. I needed him to be able to do the right thing by me. I need him to function as my doula, or else tell me I needed to pay someone to do that job. It isn't hard, I just wanted someone to walk with me. Keep me company, and instead I have to hear about how this is all so inconvenient. Why can't the baby wait. He has a meeting tomorrow at work.

UGH. I don't want to keep doing this.

/end rant.

[momo7]

It really sucks not getting the support that you need.  I've been through this myself a time or two....my DH didn't want to be with me when our  baby #2 was born, he stood in the hall at the hospital.  As time went on and after we had more children, he changed drastically.  I think it was because I had to really sit down and tell him HOW MUCH I really depended on him and needed him with me.  I told him that I didn't need someone to stand out in the hall, I needed him there to comfort me and keep me calm.  If he couldn't do it, he should stay home.  I really, really meant it.  I still do.   If he can't be proactive, I might as well be alone.  

Why don't you ask your DH what exactly he thinks this birth will entail?  What does he think his role is?  Does he understand how much you need him and depend on him?  You feel as if he thinks your feelings aren't important...it's not enough to "ask"...you have to tell him what you expect from him and why you want him to do what you need him to do.  I shouldn't be this way, but it is.  It just is.  I hate it too.  

Btw, I think my DH was finally cured after our last baby was born in the car, on the way to the birth center.  There wasn't much to hide from in that situation and after he had to pick the placenta off the floor and clean the seat in the car.....he was just kind of like...."Oh......never mind!!"   
 

[CherryBomb]

Some dhs just aren't good in labor, I think.  My dh really sucks at it.  But, he's great afterwards, and great during c/s (I've had 3 c/s and a vba2c).  I think labor and birth just makes him uncomfortable, he doesn't really know what to do and it makes him nervous and combative.

[shelley4]

is it possible to hire a doula, asap?  i hope you get the support you need!

[HappyMommy2]

I think you might need to tell him exactly what you need.  I wouldn't assume that he *knew* the fight would stall labor.  I can't see my DH connecting that at all.

I agree with getting a doula, too.

And you will have to be very litteral with him, as in, "I need to quietly go out the front door for a walk without DD noticing. Can you please quietly come with me?"  And "Please don't instigate fights, I need to focus internally on my labor."

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by tibeca  I need him to function as my doula, or else tell me I needed to pay someone to do that job. 

Woman, he is telling you loud and clear. I'm sorry

[MegBoz]

I think Mom07 gave you great advice. Is it possible he just doesn't REALIZE how insensitive he's being? Sometimes men are just dense like that. We see it as totally inconsiderate, but they just don't realize they're being inconsiderate.

Maybe have a serious talk with him & if he doesn't have an "A-HA!" moment & apologize for this behavior, then look into the doula. Or see if your MW & her asst could serve that role. I've only had 1 baby thus bar, but did most of my laboring alone & loved it, so I'm happy to do early labor alone, then rely on MW & asst once harder labor hits -if I need/want support- & they're at my house. So I don't personally want a doula for my upcoming HB.

[tibeca]

Just wanted to post now that I'm not so tired and upset.

I think the frustrating thing is that we have been talking about this for the last 9 months. What I needed to feel comfortable, happy, supported, etc. I didn't expect him to magically become the best labor coach. During DD's birth, he was completely hands off, sat in the corner, looked completely shocked the whole time. I expected more of the same this time.

However, he INSISTED that he could do this. He wanted to be more involved. He "could" provide my support.I am totally happy laboring alone/with minimal intervention/assistance. I really just wanted someone to keep me company, walk with me, stay positive. No complaining, no nagging, just "yes dear" and "you're doing great." But, it seems that as soon as there was some chance that this was it, he started freaking out. And worse than that, projecting all of his worries/fears/concerns at the one time that I need to just focus. For me, labor is quiet, introspective, exciting. I have no fear or worry, just need to focus quietly.

Worse than all that, I told him several times, "Just go away. I don't need your negative energy." What did he do instead? Got all upset and uptight about how I wasn't supporting him. He insisted he needed to be there, despite my sending him away several times. Maybe he needs a doula. :P

I did speak to him this morning, but there was no "a-ha". He made it seem like I was questioning his ability as a husband/father. No matter how much I said that I couldn't care less one way or the other what he did, as long as he didn't project negativity on me, he just didn't get it. I really don't think his abilities as husband/father have anything to do with being a labor coach. I just need him to figure out what he really can do. If he needs to hide away from me and be worried, then do that. But don't take my focus away from what I am trying to do.

[emc03]

i'm sorry mama.  i hope, since you haven't posted all day, you are now actively in labor or holding your newest little one in your arms.  if not:  make him take care of your daughter.  tell him that's what you need from him, to keep her away while you labor.  it won't get you the support you are looking for but it will keep him and his issues away so you can focus.