How to respond to 4yo demanding and yelling?

[francesruben]

DD is loud often and can be very demanding of my attention. Conversations with other adults are often difficult. Lately she will just yell out to me from another room or from our yard (when I am in the house). Sometimes this is at 6.30 in the morning much to the joy of our neighbors I'm sure. She just screams out to me in this super demanding tone of voice. I don't really know how to get through to her that this is not ok. I've explained that I don't like being yelled at, that neighbors don't want to hear it, and that she needs to come and find me before talking to me. I've tried ignoring it, but that isn't really appropriate because she just continues louder than ever. The problem is that it does work to get my attention- because I can't ignore it for long. I've tried speaking in a very quiet voice, I've sent her back to the house. It makes me absolutely furious- what can I do about it?

[The4OfUs]

I have a shouter, too. Here's what I did to help this problem.  If we were inside and I was leaving the area we were both in, I would say where I was going, whether it was going to be for a long time or short time, and "If you need me, you have to come and find me to talk to me.  I may not be able to hear you from where I am, and I will not respond to you shouting for me." and then do it.  Initially she got MAD and LOUD sometimes, but we were inside so it protected the neighbors some, with the walls and everything.       It took a half dozen times before she really understood it; she still needs reminders sometimes, but it is so much better than before.  And I am not kidding when I say that to this day when I leave the floor they're on I still say, "I'm going downstairs.  If you need me....." and they respond, "...come and get you, don't shout." in unison. 

I did have a couple conversations with her/them about the situation before I started doing this, so it wasn't a complete blindside.

If you're outside, I'd probably:

- As soon as you hear her shouting, go get her (without engaging in conversation until you get inside the house), bring her inside and tell her if she's shouting like that she can't stay outside.  Ask her if she wants a chance at a do over (that is, she goes right back outside and then come right back in and goes to you to talk with a regular voice).  Or, tell her that since you had to stop Xing to come get her, she has to wait inside for you to finish and then you'll help her, that she can't be outside if she's going to shout like that.

So, anyway - once you decide how you want to handle it, I would prep her about it so she knows what's coming and why (it hurts my ears, it's rude, etc.) and then when you part ways remind her what she needs to do.  If and when she stumbles the first few times, lay it out and tell her next time please come to you instead.   She'll eventually get it, especially if you're inside and don't answer her until she comes to you (obviously being sure that she's not crying out in pain because she's hurt).   I've found when I tackle things like this that usually make me mad, I prep myself with a little pep talk about not getting mad while we're working through it becasue I know it's going to get worse, and then I gird my loins and usually can muster some calm even when it gets worse.

Good luck!

[francesruben]

Great suggestions, thank you! I'll try prepare her and myself for this a little better and then approach it as practice. I'm going to print this all out!

[Llyra]

My approach has been (after talking to the child in detail about the expectation) to go, when they yell, to where they are-  you never know, there may actually be some compelling need.  But if I arrive, and there ISN'T, I say very simply, "if you want me, come and find me," and then I walk away, and go back to what I was doing, without hearing what they have to say.  If they want me, they have to come and find me.

Be careful-- for awhile, I got rigid about ignoring it, and then one day DD1's hair was caught on the stair railing (don't ask me how she did that) and she truly couldn't come to me, and she was yelling and yelling and I just kept ignoring her, thinking it was more of the same.  I felt terrible afterwards.  So I always at least lay eyes on the child, to be sure they actually CAN come to me.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Llyra 

Be careful-- for awhile, I got rigid about ignoring it, and then one day DD1's hair was caught on the stair railing (don't ask me how she did that) and she truly couldn't come to me, and she was yelling and yelling and I just kept ignoring her, thinking it was more of the same.  I felt terrible afterwards.  So I always at least lay eyes on the child, to be sure they actually CAN come to me.

*nod*  If I do hear shouting (then and now still), I try to quickly sneak near where they are so I can get a quick peek unnoticed, or hear what it is they're saying to be sure it's not OUCH!  or a variation.