Is it just me? This has gone beyond being zen or not zen. I'm just so over everything and shouldn't be, because I'm not even 40 weeks until Sunday.
I know I'm really tired this morning, so that's probably a big part of why I feel this way. But I jut don't want to do anything. No projects, no cleaning, even the belly cast kit sitting on the dining room table looks like too much work.
Last night I had a dream that I was holding my baby. She was the size of a 9 month old, covered in vernix and blood, and African American! I felt so bad that she wasn't cleaned up yet (don't know why that's always a recurring theme for me) and was wracking my brain to figure out when I had ever been with an African American man and feeling so terrible for dh that he was going to find out that it wasn't his child. I also remember thinking in my dream that her very large size probably accounted for all the pain and pressure I've been feeling everywhere. Silly and strange, but not really "nice". I could've used a nice dream to help get me through.
Anyway, I think this new format is bumming me out too, because this was the one place that gave me consolation and it just feels very difficult for me to navigate now. And everyone is popping babies out left and right and having labor near misses, and all I'm getting is lots of braxton-hicks and pressure and baby bones poking into me everywhere like I'm an inside-out pin cushion.
And just in the last few days I'm starting to get the phone calls from friends and family about if baby is here yet. Ugh. I just don't feel like talking to or seeing anybody. And when I do go out and strangers ask me how much longer I have and I tell them I'm due Sunday, they say things like, "No way, you don't look big enough to be ready to deliver" and stupid stuff like that which just takes the wind out of my sails and makes me feel like I have no right to be feeling completely miserable, STILL taking zofran and hardly able to get in and out of the car like a normal person, etc.
Anyway, I'm going to take a nap when ds goes down for his, and hope that I wake up in a better mood. Dh is off work until next Wed, so I should be happy. He's been trying to distract me by getting us out of the house and that's helping, but I still feel like I just want to cry. I know in my heart that I have probably another week of this. Seven little days.... please Lord, not more than that!
Tell me I'm not the only one?
Oh, and edited to add that today is my dad's birthday and I SO wanted to have my baby on his birthday, but feel like it's *really* not going to happen. He will have been gone 9 yrs in March, and my mom (in my avi, holding me) will have been gone 3 yrs in December. I just miss them both and wish they could be here to see their new grandchild.