Natural consequence for this car issue? - Page 2

[LynnS6]

Darn, I was afraid it wasn't going to be as simple as keeping her fed.

Since the natural consequences are too terrible to be contemplated, it's time for some fairly stern logical consequences.

In that case, I agree with others. I would:

1. Move her car seat so that she's not directly behind you.

2. Remove her shoes when she gets in the car for the next week on the way home. Remove anything from her reach that she could throw.

3. Pull over immediately if she unbuckles herself. Even the shoulder of the highway. Yes, I know it isn't the safest place, but it's safer, IMO than barreling down the highway without her in her seatbelt.

4. Then I would sit in my seat rock still until she's done. I've got a temper myself, and if I start talking, it escalates pretty soon to yelling. Yelling isn't all that bad in our house (I can't well be mad at my kids for something I do), but yelling while mom is driving is NOT allowed. Mom stops driving ASAP as soon as you yell. I too have removed myself from the car while my kids have tantrumed, and then gotten back in.

[pianojazzgirl]

IMO she's shown that she's not ready to be in a booster seat yet.   I would look for a carseat with a 5 point harness that's big enough for her.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl 

IMO she's shown that she's not ready to be in a booster seat yet.   I would look for a carseat with a 5 point harness that's big enough for her.

IMO no 5 yr old is ready for a booster. I keep my kids in the 5 point harness till 7 yrs old.

Not because of behavior, just because the proportion of their bodies and heads still need the extra support in case of a collision. Even if they are sitting still in the booster, when I see 5 year olds in boosters, I feel like they are just rolling around back there.

[DahliaRW]

Originally Posted by mom2happy 

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl 

IMO she's shown that she's not ready to be in a booster seat yet.   I would look for a carseat with a 5 point harness that's big enough for her.

IMO no 5 yr old is ready for a booster. I keep my kids in the 5 point harness till 7 yrs old.

Not because of behavior, just because the proportion of their bodies and heads still need the extra support in case of a collision. Even if they are sitting still in the booster, when I see 5 year olds in boosters, I feel like they are just rolling around back there.

[DahliaRW]

Forsome reason mothering is not showing my reply under the above quoted message....ugh technology!  So hopefully this only shows up once, not the 3 times I've typed it.

There is no evidence that a large enough and mature enough 5yo is unsafe in a booster or safer in a harness.  In face, the Swedes actually believe larger children are less safe in harnesses, but we don't have any good studies done here in the US to tell us either way, whether harness or booster, is safter for children big enough and mature enough for boosters.  Regardless, if the OPs daughter is not staying properly in her seatbelt in her booster, she is not mature enough.

[Hokulele]

Thanks for all the responses.  There is some great advice here!  A few clarifications: 

- DD is in a five-point harness!!!  She is not yet in a booster.  She undid the armpit-level clip AND the lap buckles.  (I'm sure these things have real names.)  This is the same child who, when tired or just in need of attention, will claim she doesn't know how to undo her seat belt. 

- I did offer her a snack multiple times.  She knows I show up to get her with snack, it was a snack and drink that she likes, she quite happily told me that no, she didn't want it right now.  I could push it, but I don't want to force a child to eat her snack. 

- I appreciate the comments about me getting angry, but I do want to clarify: First, she has explosions like this a lot.  I don't normally get angry, I have had a lot of practice now at maintaining my calm in a lot of trying sitautions.  This particular situation got me angry because it scared me.  I know how much getting angry doesn't help and how kids model their parents' behavior but this incident completely unnerved me.  No, anger wasn't right but it was a natural reaction and not one I model to my kids daily.  Anger or no anger, I wanted to find an immediate consequence when I really really needed one (crashing the car was not really on my list ;-) ) 

Your advice has helped - We are spending the weekend only driving places that we HAVE to go to.  DD knows this and fully understands it is because of the unbuckling incident.  And I'm considering moving her car seat to the other side... however... that is where her younger sister sits and she's been asking to switch sides with her for a while (just for fun) so I'm not sure doing it so that she sees it in connection to this incident is a good idea.  Maybe sometime in the future.

[hakeber]

What's the weight limit on her car seat?  Can she go rear facing until she gets her kicking under control? 

I would also look into a more secure locking device she cannot undo.

I think taking all loose objects out of her reach would also be a good idea.

I also think other logical consequences at the age of 5 could be:

• When you arrive home she is asked to spend some time alone in a non-family space (because she was unable to keep the family safe in the car) thinking about what she did and when she is ready to discuss strategies to avoid it happening again she can come join the family in the family space again.

• With your help, she needs to write or draw a reflection on her behavior describing what she did, why it was dangerous, and what she is going to do to stop herself from doing that again (and you can remind her of these promises later, you might even keep the list in the car.  I have done similar exercises with my son and when he starts up that kind of behavior again we go to the list.  I have even thought of having them laminated because they are both really cute keepsakes and handy to have as reference)

• She can brainstorm ideas on how to control her rage and frustration in a safe way and begin practicing them with you. (you could get her a yoga video to watch for example, or a meditation for kids video/book from the library like this one: http://www.mustget1.com/relax-kids-dvd-relax-and-dream-magical-meditation-with-animation-p-272.html or this one: http://www.wailana.com/yoga/videos/daydream_dvd.php)

• I personally do not feel like being nice to my son when he endagers my life and his or his baby sister.  When he makes me angry he doesn't get to have sweet one on one time, like bed time stories and lullabyes, or hanging out making dinner together, because frankly I am not in the mood,  This only is a consequence of the very same day though because we have a stict policy of new day, new choices in our family.  I say "This afternoon you made some pretty unsafe and scary choices.  Choices that made mommy very upset, scared and unhappy.  Tomorrow you get to make new choices, choices that make me want to read you stories and sing you songs and stretch every minute of my day with you.  Right now I feel very shook up and I need to go take care of those feelings."  So far this has helped him to make better choices, too.  He acknowledges when he has made bad choices and resolves to make better ones.  Not everyone is comfortable with that, but it has worked very well for us so far.