I very strongly dislike my home. - Page 2

[Vaske]

These are what stand out to me from the pictures (thinking mainly short-term and make-do):

I don't see many personal items of yours around.  I see the dark, depressing paneling and the icky carpet, but I don't see much that expresses your personality, except on the bookshelf.  Well, maybe you are a minimalist?...but in this case I don't think it's a good idea, because it lets the background dominate everything.  You have some bright colors in your picture frames...maybe you could bring in some more color with textiles?--inexpensive at the thrift store.

I wonder if rearranging a little would help...I'd be tempted to move the dining table over by the window (and open the curtains)...it seems a shame to put the TV in the spot with the best light.  If not the dining table, then I would put the armchairs by the window, and the TV somewhere else.  It seems like there's some extra space over by the entry, too, but it's hard to tell from the pictures.

I also would check the brightness of the lightbulbs you're using, and maybe try some brighter, full-spectrum bulbs.

It's nice that you are saving money by living there, but the saving needs to be for the purpose of working toward definite, shared goals for the future, and it sounds like you have a lot of relationship work ahead of you to get on the same page with your SO with these.

[Mom2SammyJoe]

I think frugalmom touched on this, but do you two have a housing goal in mind? DP says he doesn't want to move so you can save money. What are you saving money for and what is the goal amount? If you two had a united goal, the it seems your little home could be bearable. Frugalmom lived in crazy circumstances for a long time, but they got through it and reached their goal together.

This weekend we moved into our farmhouse on 20 acres. We sold our previous home in April and lived in a rental since then while my husband worked and worked on this house. I was practically a single mom for the last 6 months, and it was hard, but now we are here. We still have a ton of work to do, but we are doing it together. This farm has been our dream for a long time, and now we are living the dream, debt free.

Maybe if you know what your goal is together, anything could be possible. It may be better to stay put with one car so you could save that much more money toward the dream. The goal would shift your focus from how bad things are now to how good things are going to be. I know we need to live in the present, but you could appreciate your present circumstance for each moment it brings you closer to the goal.

Our goal was a farm, so we researched farms. We read books about farms. We watched for farm real estate. And we learned how to pinch our pennies to get us closer to our dream. Perhaps you should decorate your current home with pictures of things that remind you of the goal.

LJ, dear, do you two have a dream together?

[*bejeweled*]

I noticed that you are grieving and in the process of healing. Life is too short to live in a place that is not contributing to your well being. I'd try talking to your DP again. If you can't move, then definitely paint that ENTIRE place white, change the red sheers to white sheers and add some pretty colored pillows and a rug.

[jennlyn]

Laura, first off I am sorry for your loss.  Sometimes when we are not feeling our best, other things around us that used to be tolerable seem unbearable.  I know when I was hormonal I developed some strong dislikes to things that I previously didn't find objectionable.  Like the color green.  Which I had a lot of around.  I looked at your pictures and honestly, I didn't find them terrible ,horrible or unworkable.  I think you don't have any pops of color around which is making you feel a little blah.  What do you like?  Do you have  favorite color?  Really, with the beige/brown you can add almost any color- think of beige as sand and brown as trees and you can match almost anything to those.  If you aren't used to being home, it can be a little weird at first, especially because now your home is being used all the time with your little one in it all the time.  You mentioned trees in your front yard and no sun, but how heavenly is the shade in the heat of summer?   Do you like plants?  Maybe some greenery inside will help make up for what isn't outside.  Do you have a porch at all?  I got a cement mixing tray/container which is hard plastic and put sand into it for my youngest to play in on the porch.  He couldn't get into it, but it was great for his trucks and playmobil men and it kept him busy.  It isn't always possible to get out, but if your child has play areas inside it helps.  I had a folding screen ( made out of a Waldorf style toy book) that the kids could put a fabric roof on and play in.  Can you drive your DP to work once a week and use the car for an outing day?  If it isn't too far, it would be great if you could at least have a day to get out.

[L J]

Thank y'all all so very much for the thoughtful replies. You all have given me a lot to think about.

Mom2SammyandJoe - I think you kind of hit it on the head. We really don't have a dream together. I have my own personal dream, and it seems like he doesn't have one at all. He talks about saving money, having an emergency fund (we had a rather large one and all of the unexpected expenses surrounding our youngest son's birth / death ate most of it up) and eventually doing things like buying a house, but he won't really talk to me about it. He refuses to talk to me about a time line.

I have been trying and trying to talk to him to no avail for the past couple of weeks. He knows how unhappy I am here, and he keeps promising that eventually we will move. I can't seem to make him understand that I need a time line.

I don't have to work for financial reasons; we are by no means wealthy, but by budgeting carefully we can survive on his income alone and pay our bills on time and budget for big purchases, like a new winter coat, stuff like that. I have told him over and over that the main reason I want to go back to work is so we can save money. My plan is to take my work expenses out of my paycheck (gas, work clothing) and then put the rest in savings and not touch it. I figure we could build up a fairly big cushion quickly that way.

Vaske - you are right, I don't have a lot of personal items around. I am a minimalist, living in really small spaces all of my adult life has required it. I think it is time for me to invest some time and money into things to hang on my walls. I know how to do my own matting, and it wouldn't be all that costly for me to take some really great photos and matte them and put them in nice frames. If it were up to me I would have Bob Marley and Janis Joplin tapestries hanging on the walls and funky paper lanterns in the dark corners, but that is not my DPs style at all. He prefers Pottery Barn chic, and to decorate our home in that manner would require a lot more money than we have. He has the attitude that if it isn't the best, then its just not worth it.

I think you are right about rearranging the furniture, too. Our living space has a lot of unused space because I am terrible at placing furniture. I have a computer desk with a docking station against one wall, but the reality is, its never used. I just use the laptop in my lap on the couch or the dining table, I never feel the need to hook it up to a full keyboard and large monitor. So, I should put that in storage until we have more space. I don't think I can move the dining table without changing the light fixtures around, and that sounds intimidating to me. There is a light fixture in the space that is designated for the table that is low hanging, and obviously meant to be over a dining table. I think it would look weird with anything else over there.

Jennlyn - we have a concrete stoop that runs the length of the front of the duplex, so its shared with the neighbors. Its not deep enough to even sit a folding chair on, so its pretty useless. I adore plants, and I would love to have some inside, but I don't have a green thumb, to say the least. I need to research house plants that are hearty and don't require a lot of sunlight, since we don't get a lot of sunlight in the house. 

Frugalmum - Its amazing to me what you endured in order to be able to realize your dream of a really nice home. I think if we had a specific goal in mind, this would be a lot easier.

My DP started his first day at his new job today - which also came with a slight increase in base salary. He will be training for 8 weeks in a town 25 miles to the east of us, and then after that 8 week training period he will be working in the biggest city in our state, about 35 miles west of where we are now. So, its good for now that we are centrally located, but I am really hoping that after his training and he knows where he is going to be exactly, we can revisit the buying a house and moving issue.

In the mean time, I am going to do something to work towards personalizing this place. New curtains and a pretty rug can't cost that much, and its about time I get some pictures on my walls. And I am going to be pondering how to rearrange the furniture. I'll post pics of my progress as I go, because its just so much more fun to be able to share it with someone.

Thank you all again for the thoughtful and thought provoking replies. I am so glad I posted this here - MDC is the closest thing I've ever had to a sense of community - y'all are wonderful.

[onlyzombiecat]

Hard to kill plant- snake plant

I have one that I forget to water sometimes and doesn't seem to care what light it gets. It was a cutting from a plant my Mom has had for 20 years. Tough plant.

http://hubpages.com/hub/Low_Light_Houseplants

[coyotemist]

I don't know your DP, but my DH has to think about what I have to say for a bit before he makes any moves.  He isn't meaning to ignore me, or belittle my feelings, he just always needs time to process.  Maybe your guy is like that too?

I also want to paint my kitchen.  The rest of the house is great, but the kitchen has awful wallpaper and dark horrid cabinets.  I'm having troubles with colors, so I know what you mean, it's hard to redecorate when it's not your strong suit.

Good luck on your journey trying to make it better!  Transition times are always rough on me, too, and sometimes bring depression.  Are you taking enough vitamin D?  I know everything in my life is harder when I don't get enough.

[Juvysen]

you can put spider plants (no dirt) or pothos vines (cuttings) in straight water and they'll grow roots.  Pick a pretty vase or something (not clear, or you'll get algae growing), and just keep the water level to where you can see it.  It's pretty easy/foolproof b/c you can see when they need water and there's no over-watering.

[beautifulboy]

Originally Posted by laundrycrisis 

This may sound goofy, but when I have been stuck in a place that felt truly awful to me, the way I got myself through it was to create a sacred space....it can be very small, even just a corner of a desk or countertop.  I did it by reading some websites on Feng Shui and then I made a little spot with a tiny plant, a little mirror, a tiny string of bells, and a miniature angel figure, and a bit of something red. A few times a day I would mentally put myself into my tiny sacred space and feel centered.  It really did help me get through being in the place. 

The other things I have picked up as I have read are this - he makes good money, and does not agree with moving.  You did not choose this home as a place with him living in it with you in mind.  You are currently unemployed.  You see limited access to a car as making it difficult for you to find another job; but the one working car actually belongs to you.  He could afford to fix his car, but doesn't seem to want to.

Originally Posted by L J 

I'm not working right now; I was working up until a week before our son was still born, and my former employer would not hire me back because they don't think I am "emotionally stable". Since I didn't go through the proper channels to take FMLA I have no recourse on getting that job back. I am actively looking for another job, but its hard with little access to a car.

The one car we have working is mine, just for the record, and its paid for. I owned it outright before I ever met DP, and its old but I maintain it and its got at least another 100,000 miles on it before any major repairs. HIS car is the one that died two weeks ago. Its the transmission, and they entire thing has to be replaced, and even though we do have the money in savings to fix it, DP is dragging his feet on it. Sometimes I wonder if he likes me being stuck here with no car. He's a great guy, so please don't get the wrong impression. But, I think he wants me to continue to stay home for a while and not go back to work. He thinks I have a lot more healing to do. I agree, I still have a long way to go in my grieving process, but I think working and having a purpose would help. I've always worked, I'm just not cut out to be a full time sahm, and I really feel like something is missing without working.

Perhaps he should spend his money to fix his car.  You should have unlimited access to your own car so you do not feel that is standing in the way of you working.  Moving issue aside, if you want to be working, and believe that you would feel better if you were not at home all the time (in a place you hate, with no place for your son to play),  you should have the freedom to do that and access to your own vehicle to accomplish that.   I also think you would be in a better, more empowered position to think about or discuss moving, with or without him, if you were employed.  It is really hard not to feel resentful when you feel dependent on someone, for both money and the use of a car, and literally stuck in a bad living situation you can't see how to get out of, except to convince the person you are dependent on (who seems to be holding the control of everything) to change it.    

First of let me say that I so sorry that you're feeling so stuck!  I know the feeling of having a crappy place to live, it is so important to have a home that has good energy for you!  I'm sorry if I sound like a pop psychologist here, but I am wondering if it's more that you're frustrated with your DP's need to call the shots and your taking it out on the house.  I agree with this previous post - - you should have access to your car and he should get his car fixed ASAP - end. of. discussion.  If for no other reason than you need to have some freedom, to drive your son to the park or to take him to play dates, to visit other moms and kids at their houses.  And then the job issue is there in the future too.  Please don't let this man, no matter how much you care for him, dictate your healing process.  

As far as decorating your house goes, I looked at the pictures and the first thing I noticed was that everything is brown or beige.  I think the first thing I would do would be to paint the walls (not the paneling, the other walls that are pictured) a color (or a few colors).  How about a rich color?  Like red?  Or maroon? Something that would go with all the dark wood.  And then, if you don't have any money to change a lot of things, after that I would go find some bright colorful throws (or sheets or blankets) and either tie them over your sofa and chai to make slip covers or if you sew, make slip covers.  There is also a lot of neat furniture to be had at thrift stores if you look, you guys could find something cute.  I also like the bamboo fence idea that someone had.  Also, maybe you could compromise with DP and if he doesn't want to move right now could he buy you guys a new piece of furniture to console you?

[justmama]

I'm so sorry you don't like your space.  I can sympathize.  I've been living in a house that I very very very very very strongly dislike for 4 long painful years.  I'm just now getting out next week and I feel so blessed and happy and grafeful.  My new place is smaller with smaller and few closets  even though my family is larger than what SHOULD fit into that house and many people have told me it's a lateral move, but I'm excited because it's a fresh start and it's a beautiful light and airy place to call home and my opinion is all that matters.  It's entirely different than where I am  now.  I truly believe that if you are unhappy in your situation that you owe it to yourself to get out of it.  Decorating won't fix what you dislike about the place in a big way.  And your emotional healing won't be complete until you are happy and at peace in your home.  Your family suffered a massive loss.  Maybe a change of scenery and lack of memories in each room will be a positive note for you all.  With big changes always come more big changes.  Not only am I moving because I don't love this house but it's compounded by the fact that I'm divorcing.  I want out of the home I shared with my husband.  I want that fresh start, not to forget, but to be in a space that I'VE created, not one WE created.  I wish you peace with life and your home.  I hope that you find a place you are in love with.