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My mom allowed the baby to be hurt. Now what? - Page 3

post #41 of 89

so, in this situation obviously it sounds like your mom can't be babysitting anymore, and you've already decided that she won't be. that doesn't mean she can't be a loving grandma with supervision though. 

 

we have self-closing gates, and I've gone upstairs to the bathroom and come out to find DD had come through the gate at the bottom of the stairs multiple times. I've forgotten to close the gate that leads to the basement multiple times. and DD has fallen down the stairs when I was right there several times. she's also tumbled off the bed and off the couch. when my MIL was visiting they were sitting on the balcony chairs and DD fell off and scrapped her head really bad. two weeks ago she fell backwards off my lap and hit her head on the coffee table. no one was being neglectful, she was never seriously hurt, accidents happen. saying that because your mom was in charge when your son got hurt she can no longer see him is just outrageous, and I would tell your DP that kids get hurt, it wasn't malicious, and you see no reason your mom shouldn't be able to see your son as long as someone else is present and responsible for safety. it also sounds like there's bad-blood between the two of them, and that needs to be sorted out. whether they like it or not they are family now, and they need to learn to deal with each-other in a civil manner (I'm not saying they need to be best friends, but they need to get to the point where they can be in the same room and act civil towards each-other). 

post #42 of 89

 

I'll add to the general consensus that your DP is waaaay over-reacting. Eventually, your child will get hurt or have a near miss on his watch.  When it happens, will your DP leave home and agree never to contact your child again? It's an intolerable standard. I'd talk to him, acknowledging how upsetting the incident was and how his anger is understandable, but try to persuade him to be reasonable. If he won't forgive your mother, then I would take a firm stance about her continued presence in your child's life. Not as a babysitter, but as a loving grandmother. If it's going to cause too much grief, then I'd concede that for now your mother won't visit your home, especially if your DP is present, but I'd make it clear that you will be visiting her. 

 

On your ongoing care issues, since your DP isn't able to take on more responsibility and you have concerns about institutional daycares and home daycares, I'd look for someone to come to your home. You can advertise yourself, use an agency, and use word-of-mouth by asking other families to find someone. Check out references thoroughly and get a police check, if that's possible in your area. Once you hire someone, for the first little while, you can ask your MIL to check in periodically to make sure things are going smoothly. It may take some effort to find the right person, but it's worth it. 

 

 

post #43 of 89

I haven't read all the replies, but as I read this I thought, "We're all going to get old some day."

 

She forgot to close the gate, it's something we could all do, but perhaps it was because she's a little forgetful or tired. To me this is a sign that your mother is too old to be caring for a child, which it sounds like you see, too. A very sad developmental milestone on her part, and best handled with compassion. Sometimes it takes an accident or close call for families to realize that grandma or grandpa can no longer look after the kids, drive the car, use the stove, live alone, etc... Fortunately your family sees this about your mother without anyone having been injured. I have been through things like this with many elderly family members and often the younger members of the family need to step in because the older members often don't know what they're missing, what they're not seeing due to diminished eyesight, or not hearing, or how slow their reaction time is. From their perspective they see something and react immediately, from everyone else's perspective, something happens and too, too many moments later the person responds.

 

I'm wondering if there are other issues going on for your partner because not letting her see the baby at all just seems cruel. Maybe he needs to be reminded that he'll be too old to do some cherished activities one day, too. When this happens, and it will unless he dies very young, how does he want his family to treat him?

post #44 of 89

No one should ever be napping while they are responsble for a child. I would never allow my child to stay with my own mother if she were neglectful.Making excuses to avoid hurt feelings? Sorry no,not when it could result in my child dying.

 

Consider finding a mom who provides homecare.Ofcourse you will always run the risk of poor care when you put your child in the care of anyone other than you.Do what you can to provide a safe environment. Perhaps you or dh could earn more to cover increased childcare.It will only be for a few years.Even though your dp is not a sahd type if he is that upset about your mom(and his mom can not care for the child FT) then he should want to care for the child himself or work more to pay for childcare.

 

I would get together with mom so she can visit with the child,but you are there to make sure all is safe.You mom does not sound like a bad person,but her laxness could result in harm to your child.As a parent the child must come first.

post #45 of 89

I agree that there is a problem with falling asleep during childcare--it's one thing to purposely take a child into a room that is safe because you've hit a wall and need a rest, but it's entirely different when the falling asleep happens randomly. It makes me wonder if you are actually present somewhere her inner bell that keeps alertness going isn't on. Her responses to your requests about gate safety, and the subsequent accident added to the sleeping are cause for alarm.

 

That said, I have been fortunate that most of my child's injuries (scraped chin, broken arm, scraped knees) have not happened while under my supervision. DD's scrapes and falls on stairs have not been for lack of supervision, however; they've occurred when being overly-supervised in a hovering fashion. So on one hand I absolutely trust the judgement of her gp's, and their horror over injuries sustained in their care is immense; but on the other hand I realize there are some necessary childhood gravity lessons and I'm lucky I didn't have to be present or responsible in any way for the really ouchie ones yet!! Most kids will wobble down some stairs at some point and get the gravity lesson. Yours didn't get hurt and got the lesson and you didn't have to feel responsible. At least you have that. One down, many more to go for those types, right?

 

My feeling is if she's there while you are working at home, it might be worth continuing as usual with a little support from yourself, if possible. Once everyone cools off and forgives there will only be growth. I can't imagine your mom is type to say "oh, you fell off the porch. Lemme just finish my cigarette and I'll come and check you out". I get the impression that when push comes to shove, she puts the kid first, no?

post #46 of 89

  He does NOT get the only say in who sees that child.

First of all, you are this child's parent too. Your DP is using his animosity toward your mom and their seemingly ongoing issues to use against her. Would I be upset if my child fell down the stairs? You bet I would. But, I would NOT act as childish as your DP is acting. He won't be a SAHD, and he agreed to allow your mom to babysit, so to me, he is as responsible for the accident as she is. And he needs to shut up with the "dead to me" crap.

 

 

post #47 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

I do need to add, do you know what is worse than the baby falling down the stairs? The baby getting down the stairs safely and then off missing. 

 

If she were the parent and this happened, CPS would potentially take the child away if they thought it would repeat. You said she falls asleep sometimes. She has a hard time lifting him, she smokes...all these things make for a very unsafe situation.



I have to say, I disagree with this.  If CPS were to investigate every family who smoked, and had a kid fall down the stairs, NO ONE would be allowed to have kids anymore!  Smoking (while dangerous and unhealthy) is legal.  Until its illegal, people can do it, and they can do it around children, and its not going to be a CPS issue.  It is however a parenting issue, and parents need to determine their own comfort level surrounding smoking.

post #48 of 89


I completely agree, but this is why I think much baby-proofing can be harmful. Both of my kids could go down stairs well before age 1. DD still had to go backward, but DS could go down right (if sloooowly) holding the rail. I have a friend whose child at 2 cannot go down the stairs because she's never been allowed. That's far more dangerous to me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by nextcommercial View Post

When you were being raised, parents didn't use gates very long.  Instead parents taught the kids to go down the stairs before they could even walk.  Your son is old enough to learn how to go down steps backwards.  Now, if you don't have a fenced yard, that could be a whole other issue.  But, if the yard is safe, teach him to use the stairs.  Make the yard safe for him, then teach him.  

 

post #49 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post

  He does NOT get the only say in who sees that child.

First of all, you are this child's parent too. Your DP is using his animosity toward your mom and their seemingly ongoing issues to use against her. Would I be upset if my child fell down the stairs? You bet I would. But, I would NOT act as childish as your DP is acting. He won't be a SAHD, and he agreed to allow your mom to babysit, so to me, he is as responsible for the accident as she is. And he needs to shut up with the "dead to me" crap.

 

 

 

 

I got the distinct impression that this whole thing just happened. When my baby gets hurt, you had better believe I react harshly. It's my BABY. And someone did something that caused/allowed my BABY to be hurt. Tempers flare. People lash out. Often we all react in ways that we'll think better of in a day or two, or maybe a little longer. I don't think that's so ridiculously abnormal. Over-reaction? Definitely. But not totally crazy. 

 

And actually, yes. If I felt someone was a danger to my child, even if my DH didn't agree, I would put my foot down and say NO, this person is NOT going to be around my child. How often does that come up here on this site? I have absolutely seen people say yes, you should insist that such and such person not be around your child because blah blah whatever the reason is. It's her child, but its his child, too. If he really feels that this person is a danger to the child, it seems absolutely reasonable to me for him not to want her around the baby. That's not to say I wouldn't discuss it or bring it up, but I would at least give him a little bit of time to cool off. 

 

post #50 of 89

This is a HUGE overreaction. Children fall sometimes. It's scary, but it happens. It's happened to both of my kids with me right there, a step or two behind them. Yes, the gate should have been up, but she made a simple mistake, your child is fine and she is obviously sorry. The bigger issue I see with her watching him is the falling asleep. But there is no reason you have given here for her to not be allowed around him at all! If your DH has other issues with her those need to be sorted out separately. 

post #51 of 89

 

OK, for starters, your DP is acting like a royal UAV. You already know that. And honestly, I do not believe you should a host a Thanksgiving meal without inviting your mother. Tell him that you're inviting the WHOLE family, or NO family, and let him choose from those two options. 

 

Holiday drama aside - there may be a lot of guilt here that's underlying the extreme position your DP is taking. He can't support you as a SAHM, and he's unable/unwilling to be a SAHD. Therefore, you reach out to the extended family to make up for what he can't/won't give you in terms of help. And something bad happened because of that. You might need to lay that issue out on the table and deal with it. If you're happy with his contribution to the family, then tell him so. If he's not pulling his weight, then tell him THAT. 

 

If I were you, regardless of how this particular fight shakes out, I'd find a nice home-based daycare for your DS and remove the entire relative-caregiving issue from the equation. And I'd take my DS to see my mom whenever, just like I'd have no issue with my DP taking our son to see his mom. You need to stomp on that craziness NOW, so your DS will have no memory of it. Seriously. Pick up your child and walk out the door, and if you are living with the kind of man who will physically try to stop you, then you have way bigger issues than the stuff in this thread. 

 

Best of luck! 

post #52 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkin View Post

Your DP needs to calm down. Clearly this is neglect because it is part of a larger

Pattern
. That means she no long babysits or is the supervising person at least for awhile (no runs to the bathroom while she watches the baby). That doesn't mean she can't be a loving part of his life. I wouldn't leave my DD with my dad, but I wouldn't hesitate to spend the afternoon together as a family.
 


I cannot see this as neglect. The grandma was not purposely trying to hurt her grandson, it was an accident.
 

post #53 of 89

I didn't read all the replies, but I will say this..My now 4 yr old fell down out stairs at 2 while my husband (his father) was watching him. 10 min later he was up and playing with a couple bruises to show off. At 3 he was jumping on the bed and fell off and broke his arm, I was the one home with the kids. I was horrified. But it HAPPENS to all kids at some point in their lives. It's part of growing up

post #54 of 89

 

Quote:
 I cannot see this as neglect. The grandma was not purposely trying to hurt her grandson, it was an accident.
 

 

 Neglect is not purposely trying to hurt someone.  Neglect is failing to do those things which need to be done for the care and safety of someone.  We all have moments of neglect where we forget, or have a judgement lapse, or something else, but no matter what the intent, if there is a pattern of ongoing neglect, that is more than just an accident, and that person is not a safe caregiver. 

post #55 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by TinkerBelle View Post

  He does NOT get the only say in who sees that child.

First of all, you are this child's parent too. Your DP is using his animosity toward your mom and their seemingly ongoing issues to use against her. Would I be upset if my child fell down the stairs? You bet I would. But, I would NOT act as childish as your DP is acting. He won't be a SAHD, and he agreed to allow your mom to babysit, so to me, he is as responsible for the accident as she is. And he needs to shut up with the "dead to me" crap.

 

 

 

 

I got the distinct impression that this whole thing just happened. When my baby gets hurt, you had better believe I react harshly. It's my BABY. And someone did something that caused/allowed my BABY to be hurt. Tempers flare. People lash out. Often we all react in ways that we'll think better of in a day or two, or maybe a little longer. I don't think that's so ridiculously abnormal. Over-reaction? Definitely. But not totally crazy. 

 

And actually, yes. If I felt someone was a danger to my child, even if my DH didn't agree, I would put my foot down and say NO, this person is NOT going to be around my child. How often does that come up here on this site? I have absolutely seen people say yes, you should insist that such and such person not be around your child because blah blah whatever the reason is. It's her child, but its his child, too. If he really feels that this person is a danger to the child, it seems absolutely reasonable to me for him not to want her around the baby. That's not to say I wouldn't discuss it or bring it up, but I would at least give him a little bit of time to cool off. 

 


Really?  She's not ABUSIVE, the baby FELL.  It's completely reasonable for her not to be the babysitter.  The OP has stated many times that her mom is a very loving grandma - so thats what she SHOULD be!  Not the babysitter, just grandma who baby sees and gets spoiled and loved on by. 

 

If grandma was ABUSIVE, either physically or emotionally (and no, forgetting to close the gate is NOT abuse, its a momentary lack in judgement, which grandma seems to have often - so she doesn't get to babysit) then I would say OP's DP was being reasonable in cutting her out.  NOT b/c the baby fell.  Seriously, how many times have YOUR children fallen when YOU were watching them?  Did you cut yourself out of their life b/c they fell?  I'm sure you didn't.

post #56 of 89

I think she does sound at least somewhat neglectful.  If it was purposeful it would be abuse and I definitely don't think that's the case but it does sound like this is the case of a neglectful care provider.  People can be great grandparents and lousy care providers.

post #57 of 89

I do believe I said it sounded like he's being reactive. So for THIS situation at THIS point, I don't see the need to have them together. I would respect my DH's insistence that they not be together. But like I said, I would continue to address it. 

 

I also never SAID she was abusive, so I don't understand why you feel the constant point to insist to me that she's not. I agree. It does not sound like she is. 

 

My kids have never fallen down stairs. And honestly, my small children never got hurt when they were small. The only "real" injuries happened when they were older and more independent and playing on their own much. For as long as they were young enough to demand my full attention, they got it.

 

Actually, I take that back. DS1 fell and needed stitches when he was about a year old. Guess what? It wasn't with me, it was with my FIL. And he was not allowed to see our son for a while because my DH was angry with him for not having been more careful. 

 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post




Really?  She's not ABUSIVE, the baby FELL.  It's completely reasonable for her not to be the babysitter.  The OP has stated many times that her mom is a very loving grandma - so thats what she SHOULD be!  Not the babysitter, just grandma who baby sees and gets spoiled and loved on by. 

 

If grandma was ABUSIVE, either physically or emotionally (and no, forgetting to close the gate is NOT abuse, its a momentary lack in judgement, which grandma seems to have often - so she doesn't get to babysit) then I would say OP's DP was being reasonable in cutting her out.  NOT b/c the baby fell.  Seriously, how many times have YOUR children fallen when YOU were watching them?  Did you cut yourself out of their life b/c they fell?  I'm sure you didn't.

post #58 of 89

 

Quote:
 

If grandma was ABUSIVE, either physically or emotionally (and no, forgetting to close the gate is NOT abuse, its a momentary lack in judgement, which grandma seems to have often - so she doesn't get to babysit) then I would say OP's DP was being reasonable in cutting her out.  NOT b/c the baby fell.  Seriously, how many times have YOUR children fallen when YOU were watching them?  Did you cut yourself out of their life b/c they fell?  I'm sure you didn't. 

 The word used was neglect, not abuse.  Grandma was not intentionally abusive.  But the OP listed what amounts to a pattern of poor judgement, not a momentary incident. 

 

And thus far, I'm pretty sure everyone has said that cutting her out of the baby's life is overreacting.

post #59 of 89

I agree with all the eminently reasonable people, including the OP, that:

 

1.  Grandma should not have been watching baby because she is falling asleep on her watch.  It's not as though she's doing this 10 hrs a day, five days a week (still wouldn't be okay, but would be understandable).  All the other stuff, I can see as cultural, etc.  But not falling asleep.

 

2.  DP is way, way, WAY over-reacting.  Do not wish my mom dead.  That freaking hurts.  That is a problem.

 

My advice:  Can he speak to a pastor, a religious leader, someone with a lot of life experience about this?  Shit happens.  Yes, this MIGHT have been prevented, but it's only a matter of time before the child can climb over gates.  He needs to get some perspective.  Accidents do happen and leaving a baby gate open with porch steps is an accident.  If that's neglect, lock me up and call me worst mother of the year, because once I *did* forget to harness my baby in the carseat.  One of those baby-was-unharnessed-sleeping-in-the-bucket-at-a-friend's-house and we just clicked her in things.  I have seen many a mama on here say that happened to her.  Could it be a tragedy?  Yes.  Does that kind of thing happen to everyone?  Even if we don't know it.  There are so many near-misses in life and we probably don't notice a tenth of them.

 

Your DP is so unbelievably lucky his son has a grandma in his life on a regular basis.  He needs to talk to someone, an older man who is not your relative, that can knock some sense into him.  I hope you can find someone like that!

 

 

Quote:
My kids have never fallen down stairs.

 

Lucky you.  I know plenty of kids in loving homes that have fallen--of chairs, off stairs, off the big toy at the park.  Their parents are not in the least neglectful, though they do allow their toddlers out of arms reach.  I personally think a little freedom to roam and run and explore is good for kids... that's how they learn about gravity.  LOL.

 

post #60 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post

Quote:
My kids have never fallen down stairs.

 

Lucky you.  I know plenty of kids in loving homes that have fallen--of chairs, off stairs, off the big toy at the park.  Their parents are not in the least neglectful, though they do allow their toddlers out of arms reach.  I personally think a little freedom to roam and run and explore is good for kids... that's how they learn about gravity.  LOL.

 



Where did I say they were within arm's reach? That's a bit of a stretch. I allowed them distance and independence within safe environments, not unsafe ones. I'm not saying it's unreasonable to have a mistake, but I am saying that on my watch, there weren't any. 

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