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My mom allowed the baby to be hurt. Now what? - Page 4

post #61 of 89
Quote:

Originally Posted by Spiralshell View PostMy mom made a mistake. A terrible, totally preventable, mistake. It was not an accident. It should not have happened.


Yes, and you and your DP should have prevented it by realizing that while an older person who is in ill-health might be OK watching an infant, once that child reaches a toddler, they need more supervision than she could provide. You've learned that lesson. I wonder if DP is feeling just a titch guilty because he thought "gosh, she's really not up to this" but didn't say anything? She didn't harm your child, she allowed your child to be harmed, and there is a difference. Your DP needs to see that.

 

 

Quote:

Have any of you had a grandparent harm your child, how did you handle it? <snip>

 

 

DP says no way, never. He is toxic talking about her. He is treating this as if she took a bat and struck the baby, or threw him off the deck with her own hands. Mind you, they have never liked each other or gotten along. But now, it’s horrible. He wished her dead.

 

This worries me greatly. This is not healthy behavior or a healthy reaction. What would your dp do if you said "My mother is an important part of my life. I'm inviting her to Thanksgiving." Why does he get to dictate who comes or doesn't come? If he holds grudges, 'wants her dead' and won't allow her to see her grandson even supervised, you've got bigger problems than daycare. In my eyes, it's borderline abusive. Is this a safe situation for you to be in?

 

Let me get this straight: Your son was going to your mom's because your DP wasn't able to be a SAHD? Is he working? I'm going to suggest daycare and/or your dp learning to be a SAHD a few days a week.  I'm not entirely sure why leaving your son with an older person in ill-health who smokes is somehow better than daycare a few days a week. Toddlers take a huge amount of energy and attention, as you well know. Personally, I prefer daycare because the workers get a break, there's more than one person, and it's their profession. Are your parents trained in infant CPR? Do they understand appropriate child development? His mom, who is younger and more fit, might be able to do it a few days a week, but not 5. That's too much to ask. Yes, daycare costs a lot of money. I'd also remind you that you get what you pay for.

post #62 of 89
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Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post



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Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post

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My kids have never fallen down stairs.

 

Lucky you.  I know plenty of kids in loving homes that have fallen--of chairs, off stairs, off the big toy at the park.  Their parents are not in the least neglectful, though they do allow their toddlers out of arms reach.  I personally think a little freedom to roam and run and explore is good for kids... that's how they learn about gravity.  LOL.

 



Where did I say they were within arm's reach? That's a bit of a stretch. I allowed them distance and independence within safe environments, not unsafe ones. I'm not saying it's unreasonable to have a mistake, but I am saying that on my watch, there weren't any. 


You mean, haven't been, yet.  I find it really hard to believe that you've never made a mistake as a parent, and that you're children have never gotten hurt on your watch - thats what kids do!  They climb, fall, climb, fall - well, at least mine does!  And I, for one, am not going to get rid of my dining room table, chairs, bookshelf, and bed until he stops!  Maybe you have kids who don't do any of those things, in which case, I'm a little jealous.

post #63 of 89



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post

Quote:
My kids have never fallen down stairs.

 

Lucky you.  I know plenty of kids in loving homes that have fallen--of chairs, off stairs, off the big toy at the park.  Their parents are not in the least neglectful, though they do allow their toddlers out of arms reach.  I personally think a little freedom to roam and run and explore is good for kids... that's how they learn about gravity.  LOL.

 



Where did I say they were within arm's reach? That's a bit of a stretch. I allowed them distance and independence within safe environments, not unsafe ones. I'm not saying it's unreasonable to have a mistake, but I am saying that on my watch, there weren't any. 


I think a lot of this actually has to do with the kid's temperament, too...whether they are risk takers/naturally compliant or not.  My daughter has injured herself more than my son because she is more of a risk taker, and doesn't listen as well when I give warnings.  And, well, is less steady on her feet. 
 

post #64 of 89
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Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post

Quote:
My kids have never fallen down stairs.

 

Lucky you.  I know plenty of kids in loving homes that have fallen--of chairs, off stairs, off the big toy at the park.  Their parents are not in the least neglectful, though they do allow their toddlers out of arms reach.  I personally think a little freedom to roam and run and explore is good for kids... that's how they learn about gravity.  LOL.

 



Where did I say they were within arm's reach? That's a bit of a stretch. I allowed them distance and independence within safe environments, not unsafe ones. I'm not saying it's unreasonable to have a mistake, but I am saying that on my watch, there weren't any. 


I think a lot of this actually has to do with the kid's temperament, too...whether they are risk takers/naturally compliant or not.  My daughter has injured herself more than my son because she is more of a risk taker, and doesn't listen as well when I give warnings.  And, well, is less steady on her feet. 
 



yeah, that. DD is a climber and a jumper. she managed to climb over her dad, who is not small, in the middle of the night and dive head-first onto the floor when she was 9 months. I was right there, her dad was right there, neither of us though our cosleeping arrangement was unsafe, because dad was always between her and the edge. DD knows how to go down stairs and has tumbled down them several times because she got excited and started going to fast. this is with an adult with her, but not holding onto her. she's also a kid who will run off in public places if I put her down for a second. that's just what her temperament is. 

post #65 of 89

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post #66 of 89

Was that in quotes?

 

Sorry.  I just meant, if the kid's not in arm's reach, accidents can happen.  No, really.  If there's a door, a finger can be slammed in it.  If there's an oven, a child can open that door.  If there's a baby gate, a 9-month-old can climb over it.  At least... some can.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by SubliminalDarkness View Post





Where did I say they were within arm's reach? That's a bit of a stretch. I allowed them distance and independence within safe environments, not unsafe ones. I'm not saying it's unreasonable to have a mistake, but I am saying that on my watch, there weren't any. 

alle

post #67 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by lyno View Post

It was an accident. I would forgive her and move on.  If she is older and slow, she probably isn't a good fit to be your little one's care provider though.  Just have her visit when you are there.  I think your partner should get over it too.  would he act this way if it was his mom or you who had made the mistake?  But I definately think you should rethink your childcare. 

 

This is exactly what I was thinking.  It is very generous of her to babysit but I feel you should have been a bit more selective.  Sometimes the easiest fit for a babysitter isn't really a great choice.  Of course I'm not trying to pick on you, op.  I just see many very elderly people trying to babysit little kids at the grocery store and in some cases, if that child decided to bolt, no one could stop him.  We ALL make mistakes and I understand people get squeezed for childcare but it is time to find someone else.

 

Your partner's reaction is immature and short-sighted.
 

post #68 of 89



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

She is smoking in front of you baby, that alone is nasty and horrible. I am 40 yrs old and have extensive scarring on my lungs from my parents smoking around me. I think it is child abuse to smoke around a child and should be treated as such by the state. There should be laws against it.

 

She falls asleep while caring for him. Plus, she smokes. Falling down the stairs is the least of the issues. What if he gets a hold of a cigarette while she is sleeping or she drops a lit cigarette?

 

Seriously, if my husband tried to get me to leave my child alone with someone under those circumstances, I would divorce him first. I know you love your mom and want to defend her, but your baby comes first.



 First off, the OP is not leaving the baby with the mother alone anymore.

Secondly, accusing smoking parents of child abuse is totally over the top. I do not advocate for smoking around children, but seriously. And CPS taking away children for falling down stairs? Uh, no.

post #69 of 89

My 20 month old knows how to navigate stairs and got tripped up on his shoe one day last week and fell down them (concrete steps, and he couldn't catch himself well b/c he was holding a sippy cup in one hand, he ended up landing face first on the ground with his head on an empty propane tank we have out to go exchange).  I was two steps in front of him and couldn't turn fast enough to catch him.  He was fine.

 

When my 5 year old was 3, he climbed the kitchen counter while I was nursing ds2 and fell off, resulting in a trip to the ER for a dislocated elbow.  Once they got it back in, he was fine.

 

We all have our moments and I am far from a perfect parent.

 

I think your DH is way overreacting.

post #70 of 89

My son fell down steps onto hardwood floor about 10 months ago. He started up them while I was washing dishes at the IL's, I realized he wasn't right there and thought he'd gone into the laundry room so I called his name, he must have turned to come back down and I turned in time to see my baby flying through the air out of the staircase. We never gate the bottom of the steps at the IL's even though there is a gate there unless we are doing something that means we  can't be aware of what he's doing. (IE cutting tons of vegetables in the dining room) I knew this was a risk, but since it's not a risk we deal with on a daily basis it wasn't something that 'clicked' even though we're at IL's 4-5 times a week. Even though I felt utterly sick over it happening it was an accident, a totally preventable accident and no one would even THINK about restricting my access to my child.

 

That said, yes, OP your DH is overreacting and needs to calm down. No, your mother shouldn't be allowed to watch your child unsupervised which you already know... but no way should she be prevented from seeing your child ever. If he didn't think your mother was capable he should have spoken up well before now, instead of using this as an excuse to kick her out of your life which is what this sounds like to me.

post #71 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post




You mean, haven't been, yet.  I find it really hard to believe that you've never made a mistake as a parent, and that you're children have never gotten hurt on your watch - thats what kids do!  They climb, fall, climb, fall - well, at least mine does!  And I, for one, am not going to get rid of my dining room table, chairs, bookshelf, and bed until he stops!  Maybe you have kids who don't do any of those things, in which case, I'm a little jealous.


My kids are older now, 8 and 4. Yes, they've been hurt NOW because they're more autonomous. A toddler is not. 
 

post #72 of 89
Quote:
A toddler is not.

 

Bwahaha.  My toddler can climb on to the top of the medicine cabinet and touch the ceiling in the time it takes me to fish my mobile out of my purse (not a big purse, but cluttered, okay, disgusting).  In the time it used to take me to form a couple of loaves of bread, my first was able to push a chair over to a window and climb on the windowsill.

 

Either you don't bake / cook much, you didn't have a climber/runner (the type that looks for a street to run into the moment you set them down to lock the car doors), or you have a babyproofing system that would send most babies into a state of abject depression.  Or YOU WERE LUCKY.  Probably lucky.  But then, I considered myself eminently lucky to have a doctor that said to me, "Now this is a healthy baby.  I can see she gets outside by her legs."  Her legs were covered in bumps and bruises, and no, she doesn't bruise easily, she just falls a lot from running in different environments and plays with older toddlers.

post #73 of 89



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

 

OK, for starters, your DP is acting like a royal UAV. You already know that. And honestly, I do not believe you should a host a Thanksgiving meal without inviting your mother. Tell him that you're inviting the WHOLE family, or NO family, and let him choose from those two options. 

 

Holiday drama aside - there may be a lot of guilt here that's underlying the extreme position your DP is taking. He can't support you as a SAHM, and he's unable/unwilling to be a SAHD. Therefore, you reach out to the extended family to make up for what he can't/won't give you in terms of help. And something bad happened because of that. You might need to lay that issue out on the table and deal with it. If you're happy with his contribution to the family, then tell him so. If he's not pulling his weight, then tell him THAT. 

 

If I were you, regardless of how this particular fight shakes out, I'd find a nice home-based daycare for your DS and remove the entire relative-care giving issue from the equation. And I'd take my DS to see my mom whenever, just like I'd have no issue with my DP taking our son to see his mom. You need to stomp on that craziness NOW, so your DS will have no memory of it. Seriously. Pick up your child and walk out the door, and if you are living with the kind of man who will physically try to stop you, then you have way bigger issues than the stuff in this thread. 

 

Best of luck! 



This.  Perhaps I need clarification about why DP is "not cut out for being a SAHD"  is he working too? unable (disabled?)  or just unwilling to take it on (a lot of work and a huge responsibility and epic patience?) IK -  I've been a SAHM to two little ones - 20 months apart - for 7+ years.  We've had our accidents.  I stepped away from the changing table once and *just* caught DD in time - she was 4 months and I knew technically I was not supposed to ever leave her "unattended" the diapers were just out of reach and DS was screaming for me.  Once with just my DS (first baby) he did some miraculous goal-line crawl towards the stairs while I was spitting out toothpaste and rinsing my mouth (he was initially seated on the carpet *right* outside the bathroom and had never crawled more than 3 or 4 paces before face-planting (thick carpet)  I thought I had a MINUTE...I didn't - he caught me off guard with a new developmental step. (he was fine - but it was terrifying)

 

I'm not saying you should leave your baby with your mom if she's not up to task.  Sounds like it may be beyond what she's "cut out for" at this stage of life.  But solely based upon what you've said in this thread I don't think your DP has any place to say "She's dead to me/etc"  Ridiculous.  Every parent makes mistakes.  My DH is fabulous with the children but he let DD go down a bit too steep an incline with her scooter (she's 5 now.)  She got some road rash (helmet on though!)  but I can't imagine blaming him for the accident - unless I want to be held to the standard of NEVER making a misjudgment.

 

Would I leave her alone with your mom?  No, but (personally/IMO) DP needs to step off and learn that every PARENT is due for at least one "OMG - I made a bad call" moment with a child.  She wasn't malicious - just not up to taking care of an exploring baby.  Time to find alt childcare if you believe this won't be an isolated incident.  I hope his family doesn't let your DC skin their knee under their watch - Thanksgiving is going to get really sparse (assuming he'll hold them to the same standards as your mom...)

post #74 of 89

Wait - he won't ALLOW her to your house for Thanksgiving???  Ummm - your house too.  He's not the dictator of your house - he's your partner.  This is your mother and a loving grandmother.  Maybe one who should not be in charge solely of your child, but not a malicious woman - or abusive in any capacity that I read.  I'm sorry but that's awful.  Cut a loving, involved grandparent out of your lives because she messed up?? (and please remind your DP that someday he WILL make some error with the baby and ask if he wants to held to the "shunning" standard for a one time screw-up) 

 

Whoa - that's your mother.  It would BREAK my heart if I somehow accidentally made a bad call with my grandchild and my child's partner banned me from the house. 

 

Changing caregivers and an extra set of eyes when Dc is with your mom?  Rational.  Your DP's reaction?  Not.

post #75 of 89

Your mom loves your child & absolutely should have a relationship, but she should not be a caregiver. Too many red flags, and the outcome could be devastating next time.

 

I agree w/ all of the prior statements about your partner's comments -- really troubling.

post #76 of 89

I think that the reaction you and your dp are giving this is very extreme.  You knew she didn't believe in baby proofing the stairs, something many people don't believe in because of various reasons, including the risk of the child climbing over the gate and falling from the top of the gate down a flight of stairs.  She made her viewpoint known to you and you continued to allow her to watch him and he got hurt, she didn't intentionally hurt him and she probably truly thought a tumble down the stairs would be no big deal because kids often take a tumble down stairs a few times in their life and come out of it barely hurt.  My dd tumbled down half a flight of high stairs when she was two, holding the rail, and walking right next to me and again when she was five on another set of high stairs.  When she was a toddler she fell many times, sometimes while holding my hand.  Some people are lucky to have easy kids who never fall, trip, or scrape themselves at a young age, but most aren't. 

 

Are you really going to let a man who claims to love you tell you to cut your own mother out of your life, say mean things about your mom, make you cause your mother ongoing emotional pain, and isolate you because your child got a minor bump?  Is that what you are hoping your child does when you are a grandma?  Think about how much you love your son and imagine him doing those things to you.  I watched my brother going through an abusive relationship with a woman who made him do these things to my mom and it was so heartbreaking to see her cry so often because of him and her deep love that he allowed her to abuse.  He has deep regrets about it now and I really suggest that no matter what you put up with in your relationship you make it clear that your mother is not to be a target for anything but respect and patience.  I don't think she should babysit anymore because her age related issues and viewpoint on baby safe is out of touch with is good for a baby, but I don't think that she should not get a relationship with you and your child anymore.


Edited by One_Girl - 11/14/10 at 2:01pm
post #77 of 89

Honestly, I think you and your DP are more culpable in this situation than your mother.  You both made the decision to leave your child with someone who it seems you knew was not capable of taking care of him competently.  I don't think she should be punished for your (and DP's) mistake.  I get that your DP is upset, but it sounds like his anger is misplaced.  I wouldn't allow him to dictate my or my child's relationship with my mother.  I think he's within his rights to say "I don't want her to be alone with or responsible for my child in the future" - and that's something I'd respect (and I'd agree with, but even if I didn't, I would respect it and come up with a new care plan).  But being around your child while others are supervising poses no risk that I can imagine to your child.  I don't even understand his logic, if he indeed has any. 

post #78 of 89

I'm curious.  Has your partner calmed down any?   How is the situation going now?

post #79 of 89

On my first day back to work, dd would not nap. Overtired, she fell out the french door onto the concrete onto her face. I came home to a child who had just stopped sobbing herself to sleep in grandma's arms. She had a split lip and her face was badly bruised and sore.

 

One day that summer, dd was running up the street while with her dad and she fell on her face, badly damaging one of her teeth.

 

I had the same reaction in both instances. I was upset for dd, but it was something that no one could have prevented really. Kids do get hurt.

 

However, as people who have the grandparents care for our child when I work part time, I need to be conscious of their ability to drive safely and ensure her safety around the home. There will come a time (likely when she is in school) that they will not really be able to care for her that well or in some situations. That's my (and your) responsibility. Same with each partner - if you or your partner is too tired or sick to care for your child, it is the other's responsibility to make sure that the child is cared for. It sounds like your mom may be at a point where you need to say no to unsupervised babysitting.

 

It sounds to me like you and dp might want to get some counseling after a while to separate this issue from the others that he has with your mom. It's important that your child gets to see his grandma and it sounds like it's important to her too. To me, this is not a "don't see grandma" thing, but it may be a "likely grandma should not babysit unless I'm there doing housework" kind of thing.

 

 

post #80 of 89

Sure, kids get hurt, but there's something to be said for at least attempting to prevent severe injuries.  I think you do get points for trying- grandma wasn't trying.  I'm definitely not siding with the dh but I think it's a bit more complicated than "kids get hurt!"

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