My mom allowed the baby to be hurt. Now what? - Page 5

[Laurski]

Originally Posted by Spiralshell 

For now, DP's mom has agreed to watch the baby more. I may still need to look for daycare. I wouldn't even know where to start looking for in-home care that I could trust. I don't know any other moms in this area who could advise me, and finding baby care on craigs list kind of weirds me out.

Sigh!

I'm not sure what part of the Hudson Valley you're from (I'm from Westchester--hi!), but if you're still looking for daycare, these resources might be helpful:

NYS Division of Childcare Services (a searchable database of providers--it provides information on any state violations)

Childcare Council of Westchester

Childcare Council of Rockland

Childcare Council of Orange

If you are more interested in in-home care, I've heard good things about SitterCity, although I've never used it myself.

Good luck with finding daycare, if that's the route you choose.  We just had to do the childcare search for DD (11 weeks) for when I go back to work part-time in January, so I know how tough it can be!

nak

[Storm Bride]

OP: I just reread your OP and wanted to add something. You hit the "we got so lucky" and "we were very lucky" sentiment pretty hard in your post. The reality is that, while falls down the stairs can cause major injuries, most kids falls down the stairs result in minor injuries. This really wasn't a "we got soooo lucky" sort of thing. It was a very common result.

I'm still not seeing any reason at all that your son couldn't be around his grandmother, and I do have to agree with posters who have mentioned that you knew she wasn't watching your ds as carefully as you would have liked, but you still had her watching him. It's not surprising things haven't gone the way you'd have liked.

[lilyka]

It was just a few stairs right?  Thats really not that big of a deal.  Accidents happen.  Kids are tough.  This was not a miraculous outcome, no huge lucky break.  My kids have taken repeated falls down out stairs (14 stairs, wood, table at the bottom) heck I have fallen more than a few times and we have never had more than a few bruises, cuts and sore spots.  My kids are disaster magnets.  One of them in particular.  Well really, all of them....My middle one had a fondness for head injuries and my second one was addicted to taking headers down the stairs on a pretty regular basis.    Your mom did not "allow" your child to get hurt.  It just happened. 

However it sounds like watching a small toddler for extended periods of time is beyond your moms abilities (the stair accident is the least of the things that concerned me.)  However I don't think that is any reason to be mad at her.  It just is what it is.  Your partner needs to calm down and get a grip.  I agree it sounds like there are deeper issues and he is just looking for an excuse to cut her off.  So I think you should find other full time babysitting arrangements.    But still spend lots of time with your mom and maybe have her watch the baby for shorter periods of time for instance when you run errands, go out on a date etc.  You still trust her and look forward to seeing her relationship with your so grow but you recognize that all day is hard for her in light of her health issues.

[childsplay]

Are you positive your Mom is capable of remembering stuff like shutting the gate, etc?  I have a lot of experience with older folks in the very early stages of Alzheimer's and dementia. They seem almost completely capable....except something's just 'off '. Like shutting the gate, or the door, maybe she honestly thinks she closed it. What makes me think this is her reaction, asking you to stop hasseling her, maybe she knows something's off and is feeling frusterated and upset with herself.

If I were you I'd just let her be Grandma and leave the child minding to someone else. Are there any dayhomes in your area? They're usually smaller and more affordable than daycare centers.

As for your DP, he's way out of line but we all react differetly when we're upset so maybe he just needs a day or two. Or a couple days on his own with an active toddler.

And kinda O/T but when we designed our house we opted for a split staircase with a big landing in the middle (you know, L shaped stairs? ) so when the kids eventually fell down the stairs (which we knew was probably going to happen at one time or another) they'd have a shorter distance to fall. Ack! That just sounds awful now that I read it!

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by childsplay 

Are you positive your Mom is capable of remembering stuff like shutting the gate, etc?  I have a lot of experience with older folks in the very early stages of Alzheimer's and dementia. They seem almost completely capable....except something's just 'off '. Like shutting the gate, or the door, maybe she honestly thinks she closed it. What makes me think this is her reaction, asking you to stop hasseling her, maybe she knows something's off and is feeling frusterated and upset with herself.

If I were you I'd just let her be Grandma and leave the child minding to someone else. Are there any dayhomes in your area? They're usually smaller and more affordable than daycare centers.

As for your DP, he's way out of line but we all react differetly when we're upset so maybe he just needs a day or two. Or a couple days on his own with an active toddler.

And kinda O/T but when we designed our house we opted for a split staircase with a big landing in the middle (you know, L shaped stairs? ) so when the kids eventually fell down the stairs (which we knew was probably going to happen at one time or another) they'd have a shorter distance to fall. Ack! That just sounds awful now that I read it!

that sounds smart to me. I still fall on stairs occasionally. my dad doesn't understand why I'm so lax about the stairs at his house. they are U-Shaped (two landings). so if she falls down it's only 5 steps before she hits a landing

[Bellabaz]

My fist thought is that if your mom is falling asleep due to health issues she should should not be responsible for taking care of your kid. She can be with him of course, but its not a safe situation to leave him in her care alone, even before this incident.  

Second of all, what happened could and possibly will happen to your dh or you or his parents. Your baby will, not might, will get hurt on your watch. Thats life. Yes it scares you but to cut your mom out of yourlives is an extreme reaction imo.

Find a new care giver. Keep frequent visits. Give your dh time to calm down.

[TinkerBelle]

What if HIS mother is watching and turns her head for a second and the baby falls or otherwise gets hurt? Will he consider HER dead to him too? I bet not.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by childsplay 

Are you positive your Mom is capable of remembering stuff like shutting the gate, etc?  I have a lot of experience with older folks in the very early stages of Alzheimer's and dementia. They seem almost completely capable....except something's just 'off '. Like shutting the gate, or the door, maybe she honestly thinks she closed it. What makes me think this is her reaction, asking you to stop hasseling her, maybe she knows something's off and is feeling frusterated and upset with herself.

This is something to consider and keep an  eye on.  I don't know how old she is, but this may be the first thing you are noticing.  I may be going down that road with my own mom, but, i'm still in denial.  I'm having to go over there every saturday and load all her medicines in a four times a day weekly pill container.  Otherwise, she can't remember if she took her meds or not, so sometimes, she takes them, then a few minutes later takes them again.  Or forgets them alltogether.  

[VocalMinority]

Obviously, your partner needs to get over this.  It's not uncommon for men to express fear or panic, as anger.  That's probably what he's doing.  But if he doesn't return to reason soon, you really need to give him a good talking-to.  He has no justification for hating your mother.  

She is who she is.  She has the limitations she has.  They weren't any secret to you or your partner, before the day the baby fell down the stairs.  She's slow.  She's not meticulous.  She gets distracted by her own needs, like cigarettes and naps.  You wouldn't expect your Polish grandmother to turn off her accent when she's watching the baby, because you're trying to teach him perfect English.  You wouldn't leave him with a 7-year-old babysitter and tell the sitter to act like an adult while you're gone.  It's just as unreasonable to imagine your mom's love for the baby can make her be someone other than she is, while she's watching him.  You and your partner - the ones ultimately responsible for the baby - must decide:  is it safe for her to keep being around the baby without supervision, now that he's more mobile?  The answer's inconvenient, but probably kind of obvious.

If I sound unsympathetic, that's not what I intend at all!  We're dealing with the same issues.  Both my parents and my MIL are in town, and DH and I have a 3-year-old.  All 3 of our parents were accustomed to watching our older kids, all the time.  And, since the older kids are pre-teens and teens now (and more or less able to care for themselves for reasonable periods), our parents can still "watch" them (i.e., come over and visit with them and feel like they're helping DH and me).  But my MIL cannot catch our toddler.  So we've had to be very clear that if she watches him, they have to stay inside.  Even if it hurts her feelings, that's the deal, or she can't stay alone with him.  A serious accident on her watch would upset her much more and cause a much bigger rift in our relationships with her.  Actually, she's really cool about it.  She knows she has mobility issues.  It's more difficult with my Dad, who's recovering from a stroke.  He seem to think he's back, 100%.  But there are times he just doesn't seem able to pay attention to details, or he gets confused about what he needs to do.  He always offers to watch the baby for us.  But we just have to say no.  It would be great if we could take full advantage of all the willing, loving, free child care that surrounds us.  But, again, we can't expect our parents to be different people, just because we need them to watch the baby.