What to do with Baby #1 when you are having Baby #2? (No family)

[ck1]

  Well I have a brother but we'll get to that...

Both my and DH's family live out of town and will not be here when baby #2 arrives.  So the concern is who do we leave our son with? 

What we've thought about so far is... my brother is available in a pinch, but he works irregular hours (day and night) and may not be available when the baby arrives.  We also live in a neighborhood with a lot of young yuppies who we wouldn't feel comfortable leaving our son with.  We have some friends we can call on, but they all live a distance and work; and babies do not come on schedule.  Our other friends have babies/toddlers and I know how much work that is so I hate to impose; though they'd probably help if they could. 

One problem we also see is our son is slow to warm up to people, even if I were to leave him with my brother or friends he's known his whole life he'll cry his eyes out... I hope by 21 months old he'll be better about this.

Our other suggestions is to hire a nanny or babysiter, someone we can introduce our son to before the baby is born, and who can be on call for when baby #2 arrives; not sure if this is possible... 

I imagine we'll come up with a list of possible to help. 

Anyway, we're open to hearing your expereinces with this issues.  Please share...

Thanks!

[momto4plus4]

Twice my kids stayed with friends and last time my mom was in town. I have been a nanny and last year nannied for a family after their baby was born. They're from out of country and a friend introduced us. She and I rotated schedules to help with the older child. So, that's a big possibility if you have the money and a trustworthy agency or recommendation.

This last time, because we weren't sure my mom would be in town when baby arrived, I made arrangements with a few different friends so that if one wasn't available then I'd call the next one on the list, etc.

I hope you find something that works for you!

[Shanesmom]

Maybe I'm missing something.......

Why does baby one have to leave when you are having baby two?

[Sienna-forever]

When I gave birth to my daughter, I didn't want to leave my son with anyone as he was also quite unsettled and took a while to warm to others even grandparents.

So I ended up leaving him home with my husband and having my sister with me as a birth partner.

Is this something you could do?

Have a friend or someone else with you for the birth and leave your little one with your other half?

[Knitting Mama]

Originally Posted by Shanesmom 

Maybe I'm missing something.......

Why does baby one have to leave when you are having baby two?

Not everyone is able to have a home birth, and often hospitals will not allow children under a certain age in the room during deliveries.

[Peony]

My neighbor down the road had the same problem last year. She found two different babysitters, introduced to the child and hoped when she into labor one would be available. One was and it all worked out. 

[Magali]

Originally Posted by Shanesmom 

Maybe I'm missing something.......

Why does baby one have to leave when you are having baby two?

Not sure about the OP's birth situation, but I birthed in a hospital last month and it really would have complicated things to have our 3 year old at the hospital with us.  I needed my husband to be with me 100% to support me and help make sure my wishes were respected and chasing a 3 year old around would not have really taken his attention away from me.  We also didn't have any friends or family close to watch our son.  We ended up flying my MIL out around my due date.  She almost missed the birth though because my dd came almost 2 weeks "late".   If MIL was unable to be there for us I would have done what Peony mentioned.

[D_McG]

And some people would rather chew their own arm off than have a 2 year old around them while in labor :)  (that would be me).

OP - I asked good friends and they arranged it with their employer to be 'on call' for me during labor.  They picked DS up from the hospital and hung out at my house (with their DD who was his age).  As it happened I had my baby at 3pm and sent DH home.  But they did put DS to bed.  He was out like a light, no problems.  You'd be surprised at how easily kids adjust.  And I had to tell myself "even if he cries for 24 hours, it'll only be 24 hours".  And of course, I knew he wouldn't.  But I had to tell myself that even the worst case scenario would pass and we'd all be fine at the end of the day. 

Originally Posted by Cecilia's Mama 

Originally Posted by Shanesmom 

Maybe I'm missing something.......

Why does baby one have to leave when you are having baby two?

Not everyone is able to have a home birth, and often hospitals will not allow children under a certain age in the room during deliveries.

[megapeg]

Have you met any other local Mamas through the "Finding Your Tribe" forum?  After a few playdates, your LO might be perfectly comfortable hanging out with another family with a kid his age.

[ck1]

Thanks for your suggestions and stories: it’s helped to ease my concerns and worries and to think of ideas.  I think we’ll come up with a list of possible people to help in different circumstances.  Funny, but I totally didn’t think about someone else putting DS to bed.  We have a very nice bedtime routine so I don’t know how he’ll do; but I think it’s more my concern than hisJ

Yes, certainly do not was DS with us during the delivery.  DS is very active and I can totally imagine him diverting DH’s attention; so we haven’t chosen this birth situation.  I also would like DH with me during the delivery the same reasons Megali suggested; though after the delivery I imagine he’ll go home to take care of our son, even sleep at home instead of the hospital like he did the first time.

We are in a lot of playgroups, thankfully through the nursing group I joined when my son was newly born.  He’s grown up with these kids and used to being around the moms, but unfortunately he’s slow to warm up to people.  But like I said, maybe by 21 months he will have changed.

Still up for hearing other people’s experiences if you have any to share.

Thanks!

[onlyAngil]

Originally Posted by Shanesmom 

Maybe I'm missing something.......

Why does baby one have to leave when you are having baby two?

I too was worried that my son might be a hand full at my labor with #2, but he turned out to be my best labor-partner! I labored mostly though the night in to the morning and my daughter was born a little after my son woke.There is something about birth that changes wherever you are, he just so picked up on it and was almost unlike himself - calm, content, best 24 hours since he was about 10mo (jkin.) - the little he took my partner away from me was much less to me than thinking of him missing thous fist moments as a family, even more now looking back, and they start well before the baby is out! Plus, if you are open to friends and family helping as they can, having your first around, being able to come and go as he "will", as much as a child goes from room to room and inside and out, you will be able to a) free up your mate, b) allow your son to take part, c) not have to worried about where he is when or with who all while allowing others the convince of helping as and when they can. I know my doula, and midwifes did a lot of story telling, talking about gloves, and having just plan fun as I walked, laughed, and found birthing to be so much more then  just something for myself and my mate to hide away with. Birthing is just another part of life like smiling and eating dinner :)

As for the sleeping bit, I would suggest just make sure he understand WHERE you are,. so not be scared is this the new norm or that something "bad", or "scary" is going on, and perhaps a picture of you, and your mate, if you are away... though even if labor I was still able to give all the hugs and kisses I wanted to - for the 10 seconds between contractions (lol!!!) - and this can be a great ease to a sleeping child :)

The choice is of-course yours, but I do hope hearing from a mama who has been there might help you make your choice a little easier.

[elisheva]

I know lots of mamas want their dh there. But, for another perspective, DH and I decided that having our existing kids feel secure would put both of us at ease. When ds2 was born, ds1 was with my MIL. For dd's birth, ds1 went to play with a friend and dh stayed with ds2 in the next room (homebirth). My doula got both of them about 2 seconds after dd was born. If I had to birth at a hospital, we would probably do the same thing - dh stays with the kids. I have an amazing doula and would really be ok with this. The peace of mind knowing my kids are well-taken-care-of is priceless to me. 

[Sienna-forever]

I have to say I agree with elisheva, the peace of mind of knowing my little boy was feeling secure with DH whilst I was in hospital really helped. I was able to concentrate fully on the labour and birth without worrying about how my son was doing.

Plus, I went into labour during the early hours of the morning whilst my son was asleep, so I didn't want him to wake up to find that me and my husband had both gone to the hospital, and left him with someone else!

My husband was disappointed to miss the birth, but at the time, we both felt more comfortable with that arrangement.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[octobermom]

Om my this is a super sore spot for me... I because of pre existing Diabetes and heart conditons really have to do hospital births I was fine with that but it made the fact we had a child very difficult. At the time I delivered the hospital still had a strict no Child rule...

 We live hundreds of miles from family while we had some friends ready when I suddenly went into labor atmidnight we were on our own...

 The dummies at L&D didn't even want to let ME in (with the baby already crowing!!!) because I had my then 7 year old sitting on my lap..

The made DH take her back home 

I ended up laboring alone

 No DD no DH 

I called DH and hour latter to say I had the baby he had to wait till he took Cecilia to school before he could come see his daugher

 Cecilia didn't meet her little sister till Margaret came home.

 It was a super annoying part of the birth experience.

7 years and 3 losses it took to carry another child another sibling and they couldn't be part of it. 

Deanna

[ck1]

Oh Deanna... I'm sorry to hear about your story!  That's what's wrong with healthcare and hospitals, not to get into it because it can get people fired up... but it's a business and it's a frustrating one at that.  As if you needed the extra stress!

I've enjoyed listening to other stories about bringing DS into the hospital delivery room.  It's nice to hear how it could possibly work.  It's an option I'll think about, I'll find out if DS can be there when I go for my appointment this week.  I talked to DH about this and at the moment he's not into it, though he said he wouldn't mind DS being there up until I deliver, but then he doesn't want DS in the room.  I know the birth expereince can be good for him, bring the family together, etc. but it's fine that he's not there during delivery because honestly, I would prefer DH was focused on me and DS was being taken care of by a friends or relative at that moment.  But, we'll see... it was just nice to hear the details of how it could work. 

These stories really are helping to ease my concerns, you don't even realize   

[redvlagrl]

We had exactly the same problem. DD was 18 mths when DS was born. This is what I was the most stressed about my entire pregnancy.

For us, we decided we definitely wanted to have her go somewhere just in case there was something unexpected (I was a vBAC and ended up a repeat C, so this was def on my radar).

What I did was talk to about 5 of my friends and ask them if they would do it and then I basically ranked them in order of preference/their convenience. I packed a bag for her with diapers, clothes, a phone list, and a list of her likes and what sort of routine she's used to.

As it happened, our #1 call was busy the day I went into labour. What I did was call my daycare and put DD in for the day (it's ahome daycare) even though it wasn't a usual day. Another friend picked her up and took her home overnight then dropped her off the next day. DH picked her up the second day. We felt it was better for her to go to daycare because it's a v familiar place to her. As our absolute backup plan we had a doula at our birth so figured she could be extremely expensive babysitting if need be.

DD did fine though she was v v v happy when I came home after 4 days away. She just held tight onto me for about an hour (this makes me cry now).

[redvlagrl]

Oh, and regarding bedtime with someone new - not a problem! I called my friend at 8pm to see how things were going and she said both were in bed at 7.30, no fuss. She woke early though, at 6am so my friend went and snuggled her. She also ate chicken there (at the time she wouldn't touch protein) and was basically an angel apparently. This friend had another 18mth old and was pregnant at the time. DD knew her from playdates but she wasn't a close family friend or similar.

[Graceie]

have you thought about a pp doula ? mabe theres one who could meet your son before . you could ask freinds and family who are far away and want to help for gift cards for doula work maybe and have help with out older one and some help around the house for the first few weeks ?