Discipline for Special Needs Children?

[blessed.mommy]

How do you discipline your special needs l/o?

Sometimes I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing...he throws some pretty interesting tantrums that mainly involve screaming. I have just sent him to his room to scream, I'm not sure what else to do.

[mrsfru]

Well.....the definition of "discipline" is *to teach*.  It is not "to punish", which is what most people equate the word with and commonly use it as. 

The first thing, to me and for my son, is to determine why he is screaming.  Since he has some special needs, it often has to do with him feeling overwhelmed or unable to express or stand up for himself.  I try to step in before he gets this far, but I have 2 kids..and sometimes I screw up and miss the early signs.  When I can get there in time, I can teach him alternative behaviors.  I can help him think through it better, so that next time...maybe, just maybe....he will be able to recall this moment and try something other than screaming.  It's beginning to work more often, but it's taken a few years.   I can also teach him how to recognize when he is nearing that point of no return for himself...and teach him some coping methods for those times (like removing himself from the room as opposed to screaming bloody murder to make everyone else go away).  Even young kids can be taught take themselves to a designated area where they can let it all out (don't we all need to vent sometimes?).  Often, it's not the behavior itself that's the real problem for us parents--it's the location or the timing of the behavior.  I don't mind if my son goes into his room when he can't take it and beats the daylights out of his stuffed animals or pillow and yells for 5 minutes, BUT I really mind if he decides to shriek and kick his brother and I in the middle of the grocery store! LOL

If I don't make it in time and the screaming is on going....I try to minimize the damage....move his brother out of the way, send our fearful dog outside, and take him somewhere a bit more calm (or make the area more calm) until he can calm down himself.  Sometimes, he can get it together faster if I hold him....sometimes, he can't even handle being touched.  If I can talk to him without him shrieking back at me, I remind him in a very soft voice, that if he can try to stop screaming and listen to what I'm saying, I can help him.  Someone can help him.  He's getting it...more and more often.  I do tell him when he's not so upset that it's really difficult and disturbing for others to hear all that and they can't help him if he's screaming.

It's absolutely not fair for anyone to punish someone (or to even try to teach) when their brain is unavailable.  It's impossible for an animal to learn when they are that upset (this applies to humans, dogs, cats, dolphins, etc), b/c the fight or flight response and area of the brain overrides everything else.  Think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  Stress directly impairs learning.

I'm not trying to sound preachy or as if I don't understand how incredibly frustrating these screaming "fits" or "tantrums" are, only to give some behaviorial science perspective.  It gets a lot easier if you look at the behavior more objectively and from a different angle.  It's not the behavior itself that needs changing...it's the emotions that lead to the behavior.  If you can start from there, you're likely to make a lot more headway in teaching your child (and mine, too!) how to manage his frustrations and upsets and how to reduce his reactions (and in turn, your own reactions). 

Just today, my older son got enormously frustrated today at the store (at his 2 y/o brother, who was being a snot and kicking him from the cart).  He started to freak out and shriek, but I was able to intervene before he got out of control, and within a minute he was lecturing his little brother (very loudly, btw) on how he was "being really, really, really mean and not nice and needed a time out for being mean..." and on and on and on.  He sounded like a Mommy giving a kid a lecture (so, clearly, I've done that behavior).  It was HYSTERICALLY funny to everyone around me (and a bit embarrassing to me, b/c some of the things he said are not things I've said to my kids before!).  BUT I was SOOO proud, b/c instead of shrieking for 30 minutes w/a crowd of onlookers, he was talking and making sense, even if it was a bit loud!

Does that help a little bit?

mrsfru

[blessed.mommy]

Thanks, Mrsfru. It did make sense and helped a bit too. :)

I have been trying my hardest to look at his screaming from another angle. I just don't know how to help him, because most of the time when he does it it's immediatly after a nap and he'll refuse any food, drink, holding ect that I offer.

[mrsfru]

Glad that I was helpful! (-:

I know it's tough.  It gets easier over time--the more you know about his issues and what sets him off, the more you just "know" him, the more options your try.  You'll eventually hit on the few things that are key for him.

We have discovered that ds is/was worse when not getting enough sleep....and it's very difficult for him to really get enough sleep.  It's finally come down to giving him melatonin every night (at the recommendation of this developmental behaviorial ped).  We also decided to give anti anxiety medication a try, and that's helped tremendously.

Keep talking, keep "thinking out loud" until you hit on what works. 

I try to remind myself that when I'm upset and out of sorts, what *I* need the most.....is exactly what I need to try to give my son when he's upset and out of sorts.  Any sort of punishments isn't going to help either one of us. Above all I need to try to give him assistance. 

(-:

[blessed.mommy]

Originally Posted by mrsfru 
 Any sort of punishments isn't going to help either one of us. Above all I need to try to give him assistance. 

(-:

I've discovered this with my ds too. I think that responds better (most of the time) to gentleness. It seems to me that the more I'm upset...the more upset he seems. 

[Mittsy]

As far as discipline in general natural/logical consequences, limited choices, and NVC work the best around here. Tantrums get a immediate time-in, they get to choose whether or not they want me in there with them. For screaming I tell them I'll be in the other room when your ready for me to help you without all the yelling, when we're out they get 1 warning then we head home.

[beanma]

I've gotten a lot out of The Explosive Child book by Ross Greene. You might give it a looksee and see if you think it could help in your situation.

[fujbeck]

Originally Posted by beanma 

I've gotten a lot out of The Explosive Child book by Ross Greene. You might give it a looksee and see if you think it could help in your situation.

Was going to recommend the same book. Reading it right now and finding it very helpful. My son has autism.

[mekat]

First off without knowing what issues you are dealing with it is kind of hard to even know what would work but below is what has worked for me with my son.  To put our discipline into context, my son has two genetic syndromes, mentally slow, developmental slow, various medical problems, some sensory issues and microcephaly. 

When I do need to discipline and it is very rare that I do (perhaps 2-3 times a month) we do 1 minute of time out.  I follow time out rules but base the minutes on his developmental age since he has global developmental delays.  I basically for the most part try to see if the behavior is result from being over stimmed, needing to be stimmed or various neurological issues.  If he is over stimmed I remove him from the situation and try to find a calming relaxing activity to pull him out of it.  If his behavior is a result of needing to be stimmed I find an acceptable activity to meet his stimming needs and praise him every time he uses the acceptable alternative and when he is performing the activity I want him to cease I remind him of the activity I gave him as a substitute.  If he is performing an activity that would normal result in punishment he gets a reminder because his memory isn't great so I don't just assume he remembers it is naughty.  He only gets punished if he refuses to stop and is doing it willfully.  I can usually tell because the little sneak will have a secretive grin on his face when doing it.  My kiddo will definitely never grow up to be a good poker player.

Also my son has a tendency to come screaming out of naps, with tightened muscles, arched back, inconsolable, doesn't want to be held and barely registers that I am there.  He has done it since he was an infant and I have just come to the conclusion it is neurological and have asked a neurologist several times about the episodes and never received a satisfying answer.  I pretty much leave him alone during those few minutes since nothing I do registers in his brain and wait until he comes out of it. I don't punish him for it because at least in my son's case it is very obvious it is involuntary.  I just think his brain gets confused when going from rest to awake for whatever reason.  I wish I had a more satisfactory explanation but I don't.

[SpottedFoxx]

I use much of what Mitsy uses.  You have to first determine thought - is this a discipline issue or is this a sensory/medical/etc. issue?  My son is a sensory seeker.  His stim behavior ranges from vocal stimming (local high pitched hum) to rubbing on me to jumping up and landing on his knees.  All no big deal.  He also will run into people, walls which can be dangerous in public.  I've learned to manage his behavior through a sensory diet and do my best to make sure that, before we head out, his sensory needs are met.  If I see sensory seeking behavior in public, I just direct him to stim in a safe way.  I have found that through educating myself about my son's various diagnosis, I am able to better manage his behavior.