Birth really does work. Trust your body. I wish it were just that simple.

[TabithaB]

Birth really does work.  Trust your body.  I wish it were just that simple. 

I am so happy for the mamas that got the birth they wanted.  But I have to say that I am envious as hell.  This should probably be in homebirth, but I know you guys better.

I did everything that was in my control right. I worked up until the day I went into labor.  I worked out 4 days a week.  Walked two days a week for an hour and took a step aerobics class the other two days until I got too pregnant for it to be enjoyable, then switched to a water aerobics class.  Went to see the chiropractor.  Ate right.  Didn't get stressed out.  Had great support.  Didn't gain excessive weight.  My pre-pregnancy clothes were actually too big for me two weeks postpartum.  (I wanted to lose about 15 pounds before I got pregnant. I like to weigh between 125 and 130.  I am 5'4.  I was hanging arou,d 145 before I got pregnant.  I was about 160 lbs when I had the baby.  So my weight shifted a bit.  

Did EVERYTHING my midwives told me to do.  (never got around to the perineal massage thing.  But that is another story entirely).  All the tests/labs that the midwives did at each meeting came back good every time.  

I had an awesome attempted homebirth.  I came so close.  My midwives were great.  We got so far.  My midwives could see her hair.  I could reach in and touch her.  She was right there.  Something happened and she went back up, and she could't seem to come back down.  My midwives put me in every position imaginable to get her back down.  I "undilated".  I went back down and hovered between 5 and 7.  But she had hit that nerve and the uncontrollable pushing wouldn't stop.  Conractions came in waves of three.  The first one just made me scream and I couldn't control it.  It wasn't "me" pushing  The second two, I could control and not push.  The pushing against my "undilated" cervix caused it to swell and she could't come back down.

I was scared to have to transfer.  I live in Illinois and was afraid as hell about what was going to happen at the hospital.  But actually it went well.  My midwives transferred with me as my "doulas". My midwives were still there when I came out of recovery from my c-section.  They were amazing advocates.  They didn't let anyone give me any crap, make sure my needs were met at the hospital, didn't let there be any fear mongering.

I transferred and that actually went better than expected.  The goal of the transfer was to get things back under control.  Get something to stop the pushing/uncontrollable contractions.  The baby was fine, but it was futile, the pushing against an undilated cervix.  They (midwives) wanted me to get something to get the pushing to stop. They could see that things were going backwards and nothing that we were doing was taking things out of reverse.  None of this was from anything that anyone did.  Just a ridiculous twist of fate/luck.

I don't quite grieve the loss of my homebirth.  I don't know if my first c-section was necessary.  I do feel that this one was necessary.  I am sitting here with my beautiful baby girl now sleeping in my lap.

I saved every extra penny I had for this.  I am so screwed now.  One of my main reasons for the homebirth was money.  I know, not a good reason, but hear me out.  I have no insurance and I didn't have the heart for an abortion and didn't want to go $20,000.00 in debt so I explored this as an option and it actually went from this being a choice due to money to this being the experience that I wanted.  I got to the point that the money wasn't really the major factor.  My son wanted to be there, I wanted to be surrounded by my family in my home, etc.  YOu all get it.  

Now I am sitting here with my baby looking at here and this insanely huge stack of bills.   $18,475.63 to be exact,so far anyways).  That is an obscene number.  It makes me cry everytime I thind about. This is the overwhelmong part of it.  I receive a bill f rom some provider every day almost.  

Trust your body.  I SO wish it could have been that simple.
 

[CherryBomb]

Oh Tabitha  :Hug  I very much understand. I've been here multiple times now.  If there's anything that 6 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, and 4 births has taught me, it's that birth can be a cold-hearted bitch.  Every time I hear "trust birth" or "trust your body" I want to punch the messenger in the face.  Trust my body?  My body couldn't even get one of my babies implanted in the right place, and my fallopian tube exploded as a result and I nearly DIED.  My body has failed me over and over again, so no, I don't trust it anymore. 

I did everything right with my second baby, too.  Had my HWBAC planned with a CPM.  Went into labor naturally (never had an NST even though I was over a week overdue) and labored in absolute agony for nearly 3 days before transferring and ended up with an emergent c/s for fetal distress (and then learned she had suffered a massive stroke, likely during labor, and is permantely disabled as a result).  The interrogation you get from other people afterwards is really frustrating, like there was just one magical piece of the NCB puzzle I left out that would have guaranteed me my "perfect birth."  And of course, the guilt I'll always carry over my daughter being disabled.

Birth is a physical process, it's not a sentient entity that gives a crap about me or my baby.  I guess that sounds harsh, but that's helped me to move past it.  I'm not telling you how to feel, just sharing what I've experienced.  I had to get to a place where I didn't put the emphasis I once did on birth.  It's just not that important to me anymore.  I'm not broken because I've had three c-sections.  I'm not less of a woman or a mother and I'm not less spiritual or loved by God (or the Universe or Whatever).  I'm not stupid, ignorant, or disempowered.  The moment of birth was just how my kids came into the world, it doesn't change who they are and it doesn't change who I am.  Most importantly, I didn't end up with three c/s because I didn't trust my body, or birth, or take the right herbs, or see the chiro enough, or whatever.  Sometimes s**t just happens and there's nothing you can do about it.  The c/s aren't my fault anymore than the ectopic pregnancy was my fault.

Re: hospital bills, have you tried applying for pregnancy medicaid?  I'm not sure how long post birth you can do it, but after dd2 was born and I had over 300K in bills (just from her 2 week NICU stay!) I went in and applied.  It went retroactive to cover the whole pregnancy and post birth.  The income limits on pregnancy medicaid are much higher than on regular medicaid.  If that doesn't work, some hospitals have hardship programs you can apply for to reduce bills.

:Hug

[peainthepod]

[kittywitty]

DDCC :Hug

I am also in Illinois.  Allkids will cover the cost and backpay-the income limits are very high.  I would go to a local DHS office and speak to them.

[TabithaB]

Originally Posted by CherryBomb 

Every time I hear "trust birth" or "trust your body" I want to punch the messenger in the face. 

Sometimes s**t just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. 

This is so true and on point. 

I went to the medicaid office when I first found out that I was pregnant.  They sent me on my way.  That is how I came to the home birth option.  I couldn't get any assistance from them.  They sent me on my way.  I couldn't even get someone to see me and do a sonogram.  The local clinic couldn't see me because I had a previous c-section.  And providers either didn't take private pay patients or did global billing and wouldn't so much as set up an appointment without a $2500 or $3000 deposit. My HB midwives charged $2000 for birth and $60 for monthly prenatal visits and they took payments.  But anyways.

After the social services people left.  Yeah, social services came because of my "lack" of prenatal care.  Some good came of it though, they made a referral for me because I explained to them that no one would/could give me medical care.  She was pretty astounded when I told her that I had to leave the state to get a sonogram.  A lady did come to the hospital to try and help me apply for medicaid though.  She is going to apply and try to make it work, but she doesn't think we are eligible either.  We are married and make to much.  I couldn't get insurance.  We are self employed and pregnancy is one hell of a pre-existing condition.

I took the baby in for her one week visit and missed her one month visit. I am not sure if I am going to set up a two month visit for her.  I don't really feel like arguing over vaccinations and cosleeping with them.  I have been taking her up to the mom and me thing to have her weighed and measured every week.  The nurses there say she looks   But this is a whole other topic. 

I am going to try and see if the hospital will wipe some of the bill out through their charity "Christian Care Program" but I have to get my eligibility status back from Medicaid first. 

[ILovePie]

So many hugs to you.  I have a lot of resentment toward a small segment of the natural birth advocacy folks - specifically the ones who go on and on about diets to prevent preeclampsia, and talking to our children about birth and presenting it as not scary.

My first birth experience was terrifying.  My husband thought DS1 and I might die or, worse in his mind, that I might die and leave him alone with a newborn baby.  That natural childbirth stuff...I had a midwife basically tell me to stay home for this birth (WTF?  My bp was  195/125 in labor with DS1!), I've had people tell me to go get acupuncture or eat tons of protein so I didn't get preeclampsia again.  And then...am I not allowed to talk about my first birth because it was terrifying and doesn't fit the "birth is beautiful" lore?   Or, from the other perspective, should I "just be happy" that my baby and I were ok afterwards?

I also did and do everything right.  Not just in pregnancy.  I eat well, I exercise, I see a chiropractor.  All of it.

Shit happens.  And it's not our fault!

I hope you can get the financial aspect sorted out.  What a nightmare!

:hugs

[Redheadnurse]

Talk about timing...I had just logged in with the intention of starting a post asking if anyone else was disappointed by their birth experience.  Reading about everyone's glorious natural birth experiences is making me really grumpy.  I wanted a non-medicated birth in a birth center with a midwife that I liked.  I ended up with a 45 hour labor, agonizingly painful contractions, minimal progress, pitocin to augment the labor, an epidural, and the one midwife in the practice that I DIDN'T like was there on the day I delivered...They did turn off the epidural when I was ready to push, and I wanted to push on hands and knees.  The midwife told me she wanted me to lie on my back and push by holding my breath and counting.  I told her I wanted to try non-directed pushing on hands and knees.  So she basically told me it wouldn't work, left the room and let me push for an hour with only the RN present.  The midwife wasn't there when the baby's head popped out (she came out FAST when she finally came) and everything was chaotic with the RN yelling at me not to push, random people crowding around the door, the midwife running in, etc.  My poor partner had a horrible experience--she was hoping for a nice, peaceful birth and instead she got to watch her baby almost be born onto the bed unassisted while people milled around and yelled in the room.  I'm grateful that I didn't end up with a c-section, but the birth definitely wasn't what I was hoping for.  And I can't help but feel a little wimpy for getting the epidural.  I totally thought I would be able to handle the pain of labor, but in the end I wasn't able to tolerate it for as long as I needed to.

Tabitha, I'm really sorry to hear about the financial fall-out from the c-section (not to mention that you didn't get the birth experience you were hoping for).  I hope you are able to get some of the bill forgiven.  My only advice (speaking as someone who works in a community clinic and sees "indigent" patients with large outstanding hospital bills) is not to let the bill go to collections. It's always better to pay a teeny bit each month, even if it's like $5, just to show that you are making a good-faith effort.  But I know it really sucks and can be totally financially devastating to have huge medical bills.  I'm sorry.

[miso_soup]

 I don't really have anything helpful to add here, but I couldn't read and not post. I'm sorry that your birth didn't work out like you planned. Mine didn't, either - if it's any consolation. I don't have the same financial hurdles to face as you do, or the physical recovery from a c/s but... I can very much empathize with your feeling totally.pissed.off and disappointed. Hang in there, k? x

[corban's mum]

Originally Posted by TabithaB 

Birth really does work.  Trust your body.  I wish it were just that simple. 

I am so happy for the mamas that got the birth they wanted.  But I have to say that I am envious as hell.  This should probably be in homebirth, but I know you guys better.

I did everything that was in my control right. I worked up until the day I went into labor.  I worked out 4 days a week.  Walked two days a week for an hour and took a step aerobics class the other two days until I got too pregnant for it to be enjoyable, then switched to a water aerobics class.  Went to see the chiropractor.  Ate right.  Didn't get stressed out.  Had great support.  Didn't gain excessive weight.  My pre-pregnancy clothes were actually too big for me two weeks postpartum.  (I wanted to lose about 15 pounds before I got pregnant. I like to weigh between 125 and 130.  I am 5'4.  I was hanging arou,d 145 before I got pregnant.  I was about 160 lbs when I had the baby.  So my weight shifted a bit.  

Did EVERYTHING my midwives told me to do.  (never got around to the perineal massage thing.  But that is another story entirely).  All the tests/labs that the midwives did at each meeting came back good every time.  

I had an awesome attempted homebirth.  I came so close.  My midwives were great.  We got so far.  My midwives could see her hair.  I could reach in and touch her.  She was right there.  Something happened and she went back up, and she could't seem to come back down.  My midwives put me in every position imaginable to get her back down.  I "undilated".  I went back down and hovered between 5 and 7.  But she had hit that nerve and the uncontrollable pushing wouldn't stop.  Conractions came in waves of three.  The first one just made me scream and I couldn't control it.  It wasn't "me" pushing  The second two, I could control and not push.  The pushing against my "undilated" cervix caused it to swell and she could't come back down.

I was scared to have to transfer.  I live in Illinois and was afraid as hell about what was going to happen at the hospital.  But actually it went well.  My midwives transferred with me as my "doulas". My midwives were still there when I came out of recovery from my c-section.  They were amazing advocates.  They didn't let anyone give me any crap, make sure my needs were met at the hospital, didn't let there be any fear mongering.

I transferred and that actually went better than expected.  The goal of the transfer was to get things back under control.  Get something to stop the pushing/uncontrollable contractions.  The baby was fine, but it was futile, the pushing against an undilated cervix.  They (midwives) wanted me to get something to get the pushing to stop. They could see that things were going backwards and nothing that we were doing was taking things out of reverse.  None of this was from anything that anyone did.  Just a ridiculous twist of fate/luck.

I don't quite grieve the loss of my homebirth.  I don't know if my first c-section was necessary.  I do feel that this one was necessary.  I am sitting here with my beautiful baby girl now sleeping in my lap.

I saved every extra penny I had for this.  I am so screwed now.  One of my main reasons for the homebirth was money.  I know, not a good reason, but hear me out.  I have no insurance and I didn't have the heart for an abortion and didn't want to go $20,000.00 in debt so I explored this as an option and it actually went from this being a choice due to money to this being the experience that I wanted.  I got to the point that the money wasn't really the major factor.  My son wanted to be there, I wanted to be surrounded by my family in my home, etc.  YOu all get it.  

Now I am sitting here with my baby looking at here and this insanely huge stack of bills.   $18,475.63 to be exact,so far anyways).  That is an obscene number.  It makes me cry everytime I thind about. This is the overwhelmong part of it.  I receive a bill f rom some provider every day almost.  

Trust your body.  I SO wish it could have been that simple.
 

i could have written this post. it is pretty much exactly what happened with madison at our attempted hbac. i saw her hair, my body wouldnt stop pushing n she went back up and i got rammed stuck at 7cms with a swollen cervix. i also had adhesions which tore and filled my belly with blood. i too had worked hard, hypno classes, trusted birth and hired the doula etc etc. i too am heartbroken that it didnt work out n she wasnt birthed in the loving surroundings of her home, instead in a theatre after hearing her momma scream in fear. but i too have a gorgeous babygirl in my lap and feel a bit more healed about my sections, sort of like i now feel more at peace with being one of the 5% of women who need help, rather than feeling robbed by meddaling docs.. thank you so much for posting this, i wasnt brave enough to do it myself. i too know the mixed feelings of happiness for all the mamas who birth with ease with soul-tearing envy at times. it's an ugly thing for me to feel but im human and sometimes i just suck lol

i really wish i could give you a real life hug and share a few tears xx

[SouthernBette]

Thanks for sharing your stories, ladies.  I feel the same as many of you do.

I split the difference with my expectations--a hospital birth with a midwife who shared my birth plan vision of an all-natural, "use your  instincts" approach to birth.  After being talked into an induction at 41 weeks--I had hoped to wait a few more days at least--a ramped up pitocin drip, an unplanned epidural, a midwife who left me scared and directionless during labor, a last minute delivery by the OB on call who had to vaccuum extract my daughter from under my pubic bone, and a very short bonding period before my baby was taken away for several hours for unnecessary tests and "nursery pictures," I was disappointed in myself.  I am so strong-headed, and I just felt like I let fear and fatigue get the best of me.  I was seconds away from a C-section, but the vaccuum, thankfully, worked on the last try.  Because the OB delivered, my midwife has disappeared. I haven't seen or heard from her since the birth.  She didn't check on me in recovery or anything, and this is after 41 weeks of working together exclusively. 

Ultimately, I know that while my birth was worse than some of my friends--one had an ideal home birth and another had a natural, fast hospital delivery--it was also way better than some--emergency c-sections and meconium scares--we all had the same outcome: HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL BABIES.  This is all that matters.

[ILovePie]

Originally Posted by SouthernBette 

Thanks for sharing your stories, ladies.  I feel the same as many of you do.

I split the difference with my expectations--a hospital birth with a midwife who shared my birth plan vision of an all-natural, "use your  instincts" approach to birth.  After being talked into an induction at 41 weeks--I had hoped to wait a few more days at least--a ramped up pitocin drip, an unplanned epidural, a midwife who left me scared and directionless during labor, a last minute delivery by the OB on call who had to vaccuum extract my daughter from under my pubic bone, and a very short bonding period before my baby was taken away for several hours for unnecessary tests and "nursery pictures," I was disappointed in myself.  I am so strong-headed, and I just felt like I let fear and fatigue get the best of me.  I was seconds away from a C-section, but the vaccuum, thankfully, worked on the last try.  Because the OB delivered, my midwife has disappeared. I haven't seen or heard from her since the birth.  She didn't check on me in recovery or anything, and this is after 41 weeks of working together exclusively. 

Ultimately, I know that while my birth was worse than some of my friends--one had an ideal home birth and another had a natural, fast hospital delivery--it was also way better than some--emergency c-sections and meconium scares--we all had the same outcome: HEALTHY, BEAUTIFUL BABIES.  This is all that matters.

It's not, though.   IT IS NOT ALL THAT MATTERS.

Moms of 2+ have looked at me like I have 4 heads when I've said my transition to two kids has been MUCH easier than the transition to one.

After DS1 was born, my husband was a wreck for months.  He was my slave through 2 months of strict bedrest, and then he thought I was going to die during labor.  And then I had such a rough recovery!  And I felt like i had failed everyone - I had failed my son by getting a narcotic during transition (so he had to go to the warmer by hospital policy).  I had failed my husband by shouting "I'm going to die" over and over during transition when he was already fearful because of things the staff was saying.

I had a beautiful and healthy baby boy and I had a tremendous amount of physical and emotional healing to do - as did my husband. 

This time, I somehow had the birth everyone dreams of, despite planning for magnesium again (I even had the dose they should give me included in my birth plan, because the standard dose was too much for my kidneys last time!) and requesting less delay in starting pitocin if I had magnesium and felt things had stalled.  I was ready for the interventions - ready to have a less traumatic birth despite interventions.

So, yeah, when I had a relatively easy birth, and my husband was even like, "wow.  That was no big deal" - it made the whole thing easier.  I felt good.  I wasn't sitting around weeping and grieving and working out TERROR while talking to anyone who would listen.

You have a beautiful and healthy baby.  And you are healthy.  Yes, that is important.  But it's not all that matters.  You have the right to grieve your birth experience, to relish the power of birth even when it's not ideal, and to be angry at ways you were mistreated (the midwife disappeared????).

DS1's birth was terrifying, but I also felt the power of what my body could do.  And man I loved that baby (and love that little boy)!
 

[TabithaB]

I don't have too many complaints about my birth experience itself.  Things were great at home we just couldn't stay there.  And the transfer itself went OK.  Not ideal, but OK.  I got to nurse her very quickly after I had her.  Social services was an inconvenience, but I can even understand that.  I had to stay kinda vague with the hospital on the homebirth thing because my midwives came with me to the hospital as doulas and I didn't want to get them in trouble.  They needed to make sure that I wasn't some weirdo with no prenatal care that was gonna put her baby in a dumpster or something.

People around here kinda think your are out of your mind for doing the HB thing.  I got to nurse her very quickly after I had her. My recovery was pretty good too.  I actually busted out of the hospital a day early on Friday so I could go see my chiropractor, had my baby shower on Saturday, and too baby to Unitarian Church on Sunday.  All the prep work on the birth really helped with my recovery.

I am just having a hard time dealing with the fall out of all of it.  Mostly it is the financial issues.  I am not too worried about the "embarrassment" of transferring or "failing".  We did the safe thing and the midwives said to transfer before things went wrong.  Nobody was dying It just became apparent that it wasn't going to go the way we all wanted it to. 

They charged over $200 to test me for drugs.  I can understand this.  But they tested the baby also.  That was another $200.  They charged $6 for every Ibuprofin they handed me.  If I had know that, I would have taken the ones I had in my purse.  Argh.

I am inclined to try and find another pediatrician because her pediatrician is through the hospital and every time I talk to them, they want to set up payment arrangements and I am still dealing with Kids Care.  It just stresses me out too much.  I accidentally missed her one month appointment.  Hubby set it up and I didn't get to write down the appt time.  I never rescheduled it and am not sure I am going to set up her a two month appointment.  I wil basically go in there and "argue" with them about vaccinations and cosleeping, etc, they are gonna tell me things like never shake your baby, etc.  tell me she looks fineand charge me a couple hundred dollars for it

The last appointment cost me over $250.  It costs me $156 just to walk in the door.  They charged me $96 for the neurological tests where they test her reflexes.  I think she is fine.  My chiro says she looks great.  I have her weighed at this Babies and Mom lunch thing at the hospital every week and the nurses there say she looks great.  I just don't want to listen to them about my balance, spend that kind of money, or deal with the financial fallout period.

[corban's mum]

oh tabitha, i cannot begin to imagine what it's like to be left with medical bills, it seems so inhumane to me to charge people for potentially lifesaving treatment and healthcare. i know i'm a hippy but seriously, where is the love in that! humans can really stink, charging each other for things like that. sure people here moan about the state of our NHS but it's a service free for all (ok i know we pay for it through taxes but even those who dont pay tax can use it) and if ppl dont like the service they have the option to go private.

try not to let it eat at you, stay calm and as a previous poster said, pay little and often to show willingness.  here when in debt there is a phrase "i have intent to pay" and basically as long as you quote that and pay SOMETHING then they normally can't do very much.

for me i needed to birth naturally so i could go back to work as a home care nurse asap, i even learned to drive at 8 months pg so i could work independantly for a better wage because we are struggling with our mortgage etc. so when i had to have a cs it's knocked me back about six months because my job is so manual with heavy lifting etc so i can kinda get the dissapointment when you've planned so hard for it all to go great, and it doesnt... i was so "trusting" in birth that i had no back up plan, i was left totally unarmed to deal with the ripping pain of a problematic labour or the fallout afterwards.  ah well x

[stellamia]

I'm so sorry!! I would be so angry and feel royally ripped off if I had been that close and not been able to deliver vaginally. You've been through a lot and I can see why you feel envious and annoyed with the simplification some give birth. I happen to think that natural labor and birth can be VERY hard and I think those who make it sound easy as pie probably are lucky and had easy/fast labors. I'm happy for them but I also know that not all have that experience. My sister was dilated to 10 and feeling great at home with the Midwife but the baby would NOT come down past her pubic bone and she ended up with an emergency c-section. She did go through a grieving process and she too had done everything right! It's NOT fair. I really don't know what to say except I'm sorry...and all the bills must be extremely stressful. I truly am thinking of you and hope there will be a solution. 

[TabithaB]

I have to be thankful though.  My midwives were awesome  Neither me or my baby were ever in any danger.  Everything was fine, we just couldn't get her to come back down.  My husband was so much better with this birth than the last.  He just couldn't deal with it last time.  He hates to see me on distress of any level. 

He is being great even with the financial fall out.  Actually he is better than me about it.  I am the one that is being a spazz over it all.  He says don't worry about it.  He says worst case scenario we will pay $200.00 a month forever if that is what it takes.  He has a much better outlook on this particular matter than I do. 

I got over the "embarrassment" from transferring and the "I told you so looks" (nobody dares to actually say anything).  The c-section thing never bothered me.  It was medically necessary.  It is a blessing to have the availability of one so that you can have a healthy baby that is not harmed in birth.  I need to get over this money stuff too.  Things have a way of working out.  My "real" day to day problems are few.

[sheashea]

  I read your initial post a couple of days ago and have been sort of formulating a reply.  I was initially pretty shocked and shed a tear for your situation.  I don't really understand the system you guys have down there in terms of medical care.  I'm not saying the national health care we have here is perfect, and I suppose we do pay higher taxes, but it seems unbelievable to me that having complications during childbirth should result in people being served with massive bills.  It's not something that happens here, so the reality of being uninsured is really startling. I hope that some of the reforms being rolled out will help prevent this type of situation. I agree that avoiding collections with small payments sounds like good advice.

In terms of the  messaging around birth... I think there are two seemingly contradictory 'truths' about birth.  (These are just my thoughts on the subject that I thought I would share with anyone reading this thread who is interested; I am not meaning to sound pedantic or anything.) 

The first truth as I see it is that there are absolutely no guarantees in childbirth.  Genuine medical events can and do happen and no amount of personal 'work' to prepare for birth can prevent them.  It's no one's fault and doesn't have anything to do with our womanhood or success in life or whether we read enough, meditated enough, ate correctly, took the right vitamins, etc.  

The second truth is that we have a medical system that has a tradition of diminishing women's autonomy in birthing.  Many HCPs view women's bodies as inconveniences that don't perform at the desired pace or within desired hours.  Labouring women require a kind of care that has not been taught to doctors and which is foreign to them. Interventions are performed at disproportionate rates in North American hospitals and they often lead to additional, unnecessary interventions. Women have sought to reclaim the birth experience and for many who have had traumatic/disappointing past births or internalized fears, the positive, "your body can give birth / birth is natural" affirmations can be helpful. In many (not all) situations, a woman's state of mind can really help her body to relax and labour to progress.

One 'truth' doesn't preclude the other.  

And here's where I start to .

I think birth is to motherhood as weddings are to marriage.  We probably don't all put the same importance on these events, but that doesn't mean that they are not life-changing moments for many people. We are entitled to our feelings when a birth does not meet our hopes and expectations. We are also entitled to move on from a less than perfect birth (with a healthy baby as the outcome) without 'grieving'.  It's just such a private thing. 

And, while it is a lovely experience for new parents and babies, I don't buy it that not having the perfect birth with skin-to-skin bonding and breast feeding immediately after is going to permanently scar our children or cause lasting harm to our relationships with them.  I have friends who adopted their son at 7 months of age (before which he was a ward of the state) and they have developed a beautiful, loving bond with him.  The mentality that there is such thing as a perfect start for our children, that we have in some way failed them if it doesn't happen, puts a tremendous amount of pressure on women and discounts the experiences of so many families such as my friends'. 

There is just so. much. pressure on women around issues of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting.  We all feel the pressure and I think it often gets redirected toward judging one another.  This bothers me because I think that parents can form networks of support and solidarity when we essentially accept ourselves as imperfect people who are making the best decisions we can for our children, partners, etc. We can actually be there for other parents or children who are genuinely struggling when we move past judgement and move toward empathy.

Ok. Hopping off the soap box. 

[NortheastSuperstar]

ddcc - my baby is 2 weeks old...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you're going through this. We are, too. Transferred to the hospital after 3-4 hours of pushing... she came down once and then went back up and turned posterior and we found out in the hospital that she also flexed her chin up, so was jammed there good. But we (at home) only could tell her posterior position, and when her heart rate started dropping during contractions and I was in agony making no progress, we all agreed it was time to go to the hospital. They got her out with a vacuum extractor, which messed me up pretty good down there since I was so swollen from pushing so long to begin with. It was the last try before going in for a c-sec. The OR was being staffed for me as she tried 'one last time'.

We have no maternity coverage. Midwife was paid out of pocket ($3600 total with labs). Now we have the hospital bill... $1300 for literally five minutes in the ER to look under the blanket to be sure the baby wasn't crowning, $7200 for 11 hrs in L&D, $2300 for the baby.

It's not right :(

[corban's mum]

great post sheashea  you are right about many things and thanks for posting them, it helps, me at least x

im still reeling in shock about how you guys get screwed over financially for emergency care. i think SURELY any lifesaving/emergency treatment should be free.

[TabithaB]

Thanks for all the support and commiseration.  I am getting some perspective on it.  I didn't buy a new car earlier because I was reluctant to go into debt with the unknown factors of having the baby and just because babies can be expensive.  She costs about as much as a new car but without the new car smell.  Babies smell good too though.

[oliversmom7213]

I just wanted to jump in here about the bills. I work in customer service for 12 hospitals. 3 in illinois and the rest in Iowa. I am just stating the facts and am not intending to scare anyone.... you have to have a mutually agreed payment arrangement or else it will go to collections. Even worse it can go legal and they can just take your money, from paychecks or your bank. Plus there are legal fees on top of the bill. Most hospitals have financial aid and they may require a lot of financial information. While this seems intruding, there are a lot of people who have money and just don't feel like paying (obviously this is not you). Our hospitals will take care of the bill if we have proof you are on state assistance like wic or food stamps and we do offer extended payment arrangements now but they still can be high. ( i work there and are unsure how I am going to pay my bill, there is no preferencial treatment). I just wanted to say this b.c too often I see patients who pay $5 a month on their bill of even 100 thinking it is find b.c their lawyer friend told them it was. It's not, it can and most likely will go to collections and yes they can serve you and take your money. I am not saying this is right, I'm saying talk to the hospital. Let them know you are working with allkids, give them updates, they most likely will set your accts back while you are trying to get them covered. But if you don't call they will assume you won't pay and it will go to collections (we don't look at accounts unless someone calls so even if you are sending money for good faith payments the systems are usually automated and will just ship accts to collections without a person at the hospital doing it). Good luck!