*sigh* DADS - how is your older DC's relationship with their dad?

[meemee]

*sigh*

last night as i held a bitterly weeping child i was so hurt with ex's actions. he just doesnt get it. dd went ToT with me and took her candy basket to her dad's. he has given her maybe one or two pieces and over half the candy is gone.

dd is 8. this was her first halloween where it WAS for the first time all about candy. she did wear 3 costumes with flamboyant face makeup :love but she was running up the driveway to get candy.

dd's dad is a caring dad. he truly loves her and she him. she worships him and takes him seriously. she learns a lot from him. he does neat things with her.

but he just doesnt 'get' her. he is v. caught up in being super strict. and since the age of 5 i have held an occasionally bitterly sobbing child because she is upset that her father does not get her. at 5 she said 'mama i feel like a butterfly trapped in a tree. why does he not remember what it was like to be as a child'. and yet the next moment she says 'i know exactly why he is the way he is mama, but why does it have to be that way.'

at 3 she told me 'mama you get me, daddy doesnt'. and that's still true now.

nowadays she doesnt share all with me. i know she is hurting and i have to let her do it alone :( because that's her preference. i know her complaints make her feel like she is taking sides. sometimes when it gets too much she just has to.

he is better at GD than i am. he has never ever hit her or yelled at her except a couple of times.

dd is always at her best at his house. she watches what he says and never shows her true side to him. so he has no idea what is truly going on in school with her. he never gets to hear her true fears.

life is still about him. he gets dd a bow and arrows that she loves, they snuggle and do art and science projects and gets her sushi regularly. yet he never takes her places she likes to go.

as dd grows up she is able to see through her dad. she is able to see he is there but not there. his main aim is duty - to do things because its good for her, not because he wants to do it.

and dd is seeing this more and more. and she is sooo sad sometimes. it really strengthens her in life though. she can handle things far more than other kids her age.

but why does this strength have to come at such a painful cost.

THANKS for reading my tome and giving me a space to VENT!!!!!

what is your growing childrens relationship with their daddy?

[FairyGardener]

Hugs my friend. Your child and mine should get together. I try to remind mine that he does the best he can with what tools he has, and that's all we can ask of him.

[lilyka]

It sounds like he is doing a really great job.  You should remind her that he can't be everything her.  Perhaps when she complains you should focus on all the really cool stuff he does with her and what a great dad he is.

[meemee]

oh she knows that. she IS aware of that. even at 5 she was aware of him trying his best. 

its more about being seen for herself. 

its about how unfair life is. we have even gone over why he is the way he is. 

how unfair that the three of us can never go out for dinner together.

i try not to focus on the good that he does - because she knows that, but i want to more honour her feeling. her feelings of being sad, of life being unfair whether it is due to her father or anything else. i dont want to tell her how she should feel. but i have always pointed out how much ex does for her. 

i WANT her to have a sound relationship with her father. he DOES do a lot for her. but there is that piece missing. and i worry that piece might prove too costly. esp. as she is becoming more and more aware of his sense of 'duty' and tries to stay away from him more and more. if she ever spends more than two days with him, she starts to get antsy and wants to come to my place. 

its something that is becoming so visible that xmil is concerned about dd's needs and dd's relationship with her dad. 

[bananabee]

When I was a kid, I was surrounded mostly by family members who were very wrapped up in themselves, their opinions, and their egos. I often felt like I was the only aware person amongst a bunch of people who were "asleep". You might try explaining it to her that way, and emphasize that it's not personal. Her dad would treat any child the way he treats her, and the more he loves her, the more he's going to have rules and weird ideas about her.

You might also try giving him a book. I hear that Love and Logic is really good. Tell him you see his relationship with her breaking down in areas that won't be repairable later, and you really want them to be close.