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Marriage, Sexual History, etc. (r-rated)

post #1 of 42
Thread Starter 

Long time mostly lurker here.  I've been married almost 16 years.  Was in early twenties when I got married and we didn't date long.  Long story short - after the first boy I ever went out with (at a very naive age 13 in 9th grade, having come from a nonemotional, no talk about sex/marriage, family) took me into a church hallway and stuck his penis in my mouth and then continued to kind of use me and spit me out, I started out on years of screwed up sexual behavior.  hubby did not have this history.  i told him before we got married about the overall scope of things, realized i should be quite embarrassed and that the knowledge was hurting him, and kind of backed off with the confession/revelation thing.  but this has been aproblem forever with us.  he is sickened that i did the things i did and does not trust me because i lied.  we have had several blow ups and long talks over the years, and i have remembered and revealed more details.  i am in counseling finally to try to get a handel on this.  i guess i had hoped this would all become a nonissue but it does not.  any thoughts, advice, etc.  hubby is plannig to leave me over this.

post #2 of 42

oh mama, i am soooo sorry :Hugs

 

this is horrible. what is in the past is in the past.

 

i dont know what to say. if a man still cant deal with this after 16 years (i am assuming here you never cheated) i dont think he ever can. i am sorry. your dh has demons of his own he cant accept.

 

i have a kinda similar history and i came clean right when we were getting serious. and ex was so kind about that. but he had other issues the reason why we are not together anymore.

 

usually with this kind of behaviour are there anything else going on. with his treatment of you and you accepting? any kind of abuse? or even disrespecting? what do your friends say?

 

i think it would be better for your kids not to be around such energy at home. two people living on edge.

 

i am sorry mama because unless he chooses to fix his issues its always going to be your fault when you know its NOT. after 16 years i cant imagine him being able to cope with his own demons without seeing a therapist.

post #3 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

oh mama, i am soooo sorry :Hugs

 

this is horrible. what is in the past is in the past.

 

i dont know what to say. if a man still cant deal with this after 16 years (i am assuming here you never cheated) i dont think he ever can. i am sorry. your dh has demons of his own he cant accept.

 

i have a kinda similar history and i came clean right when we were getting serious. and ex was so kind about that. but he had other issues the reason why we are not together anymore.

 

usually with this kind of behaviour are there anything else going on. with his treatment of you and you accepting? any kind of abuse? or even disrespecting? what do your friends say?

 

i think it would be better for your kids not to be around such energy at home. two people living on edge.

 

i am sorry mama because unless he chooses to fix his issues its always going to be your fault when you know its NOT. after 16 years i cant imagine him being able to cope with his own demons without seeing a therapist.



I agree.  These are his issues, not yours.  I'd stop telling him details, though. 

post #4 of 42

Marriage counseling.  ASAP.

 

No more details, no more talk about your past without a 3rd party there.

 

The problem isn't your past, the problem is his present. Put it right back into his lap.

 

The very best thing I ever did for my marriage was setting solid boundaries and making my peace with the possibility of us not being together.

 

In the morale code I follow (which comes from the yoga sutra), non-harming comes first and honesty comes second. So as much as honesty is VERY high and is one of the most important things we can aspire to, it is below only non-harming.

post #5 of 42

Your husband is planning on leaving you because you were a victim of sexual abuse? I agree with the other posters. This is not your doing and your DH has a really big problem if he can't work on a relationship with you because you were victimized. Do not own this one mama. Go to counseling to help you with this, and hopefully he will go to counseling as well, to help him get his head on straight, but in the end, you are not to blame for what is taking place in your marriage.

post #6 of 42

Wow.  You know, I dealt with this a bit when dh and I started dating.  We were 21, he was a virgin and I couldn't have looked far enough back to find my virginity with a telescope.  Since we were young and I wasn't very strong, I spent a lot of time justifying my choices and defending myself.  Finally it got to the point where I said it was none of his damn business and had nothing to do with him since we didn't even know each other then.  My past was just that MINE.  

 

If he's planning on leaving you for things you did 16 years ago, before you met him, before you were even an adult, then I'd say this has absolutely nothing to do with you and odds are you're going to be better off without him.   It's a smokescreen for something else, something inside him that is making him unhappy and he's using you as a scape goat to take the blame.  You didn't do anything wrong by having a sexual past.  Just like his lack of one isn't wrong either.  It is what it is and what we do is what makes us who we are.  It obviously wasn't a deal breaker when you got married, it shouldn't be one now.  But if it is, remember that isn't your issue or problem.  It's his.

 

Don't justify your past anymore.  Don't defend yourself. Don't explain.  Refuse to have the conversation.  This is his issue to get over or not, not your issue to fix.

post #7 of 42

I agree that being sexually accosted when you were a teenager was not your fault. You were innocent, were victimized and reacted in the same way other traumatized females have acted (the others close off, sexually). Perhaps it was presented to your dh as something wrong you did, because you didn't realize you weren't at fault?

 

I can see him being upset about the following escapades (or whatever you want to call them), but if he is unwilling to forgive (as a pp mentioned, he didn't even know you when it was happening), then you will be better off without him. I'm not saying to give up on him. Counseling. Prayer, if you're a praying person. Do what you can, then let go. It will hurt less to be able to let him do whatever he will do, than to try to hang onto him and force him to accept you if he can't.


Edited by A_Random_Phrase - 11/15/10 at 1:30pm
post #8 of 42
Thread Starter 

Now he's also telling me i have to write emails to the priest who married us (to tell him we married under false pretenses and need an annulment, i think), my college friends for more perspective on how screwed up I was, and one of the guys from my history (to tell him he's a jerk).  He's also been looking people up on the internet, showing me the current photos and make fun of the guys and me.  There's a lot of disrespectul namecalling, yelling, taking up so much of our present time (away from our 2 lovely daughters).  Friday there were suicide threats over this issue.  This weekend I wound up in the hospital and he blew up on a doctor and yelled at me that a male nurse who was laughing too much was hitting on me - the man was so obviously gay! 

post #9 of 42

Do you have a support system?  It doesn't sound like this is a safe environment for you and your girls.  I would suggest calling an abuse hotline and start making a safety plan.  He sounds unstable and scary.  What does your counselor say?  I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this.  It sounds like he's coming unglued ((hug)).

post #10 of 42

Set some boundaries or separate from him.

 

You don't have to live like this. This is just abusive controlling behavior.

 

You don't have to be a victim.

 

You can make a different choice. You are a wonderful, whole person. He's wrong.

post #11 of 42



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by cheerios View Post

Now he's also telling me i have to write emails to the priest who married us (to tell him we married under false pretenses and need an annulment, i think), my college friends for more perspective on how screwed up I was, and one of the guys from my history (to tell him he's a jerk).  He's also been looking people up on the internet, showing me the current photos and make fun of the guys and me.  There's a lot of disrespectul namecalling, yelling, taking up so much of our present time (away from our 2 lovely daughters).  Friday there were suicide threats over this issue.  This weekend I wound up in the hospital and he blew up on a doctor and yelled at me that a male nurse who was laughing too much was hitting on me - the man was so obviously gay! 


Yikes!!!!  Clearly there is a LOT going on here.  You didn't do anything wrong.  This is really about him, in every way.  HE needs some seriously therapy as well.  Marriage therapy would be a good start as a therapist will likely nudge him in that direction.  Good luck...  That is a lot to put up with when you didn't even do anything wrong. 
 

post #12 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post


Yikes!!!!  Clearly there is a LOT going on here.  You didn't do anything wrong.  This is really about him, in every way.  HE needs some seriously therapy as well.  Marriage therapy would be a good start as a therapist will likely nudge him in that direction.  Good luck...  That is a lot to put up with when you didn't even do anything wrong. 
 


Maybe not. My experience with marriage therapy is that the therapist is to treat the relationship as the client...In other words, prioritizing the existence of the relationship over the OPs quality of life.

I say it's time to put him out. It will either be a wake-up call and he'll fix himself/apologize, or he'll continue to attempt to break down your psyche. Either way, you have to say 'No' to mental manipulation, because nobody is immune to that kind of mess and it can take you apart. Better to do something COMPLETELY different with your life.

 

Best wishes for lots of grounded, solid decision-making. But it sounds pretty open-shut to me. Ick.

post #13 of 42

What does he think he will achieve my "proving" to you how "screwed up" you were?  

 

I'll tell you about me...  I was sexually abused for 7 years by my brother.  That ended when i was 12.  At 14 i went out with a 20yo who raped me, brutalised me, attempted to share me with his friends (who thankfully were too grossed out by the idea!) and tried to get me pregnant (by splitting condoms and hiding/throwing away my Pills so it'd look like i'd already taken that day's).  I dumped him and went out with a chain of other guys, never being single for more than 4 weeks for the next 2.5 years, and having increasingly wild and dangerous liaisons.  I was just numb sexually.  I thought a) i absolutely HAD to do whatever they wanted and do a great show of loving it or no-one would love me, and b) it was my fault if i got hurt of felt bad because i was disgusting and deserved the rapes, abuse and disrespect.  Eventually i got a bit of a break from dating guys and began to come to my senses.  It was a long road.  Since coming to my senses i have had 2 long, stable relationships, one of which ended and one which is going strong.

 

I was a victim, of abuse, of rape, of my own inability to see that i was being treated like dirt, of circumstances (my mum might have noticed/helped if she hadn't been terminally ill).  I made terrible choices because i didn't have all the information i needed.  I am not a bad person, i did nothing "wrong" and i have nothing to apologise for or regret about my inherent self.  Sure, i could have made better choices, but now i know better i consistently DO make good choices.

 

My partner would NEVER blame me for what i went through, question my morality, or try to prove to me i was messed up back then (i already know i was, but i don't need to, should NOT, feel bad about it, i didn't mess MYSELF up!).

 

I think your husband is having some kind of breakdown which is centred on but not actually connected to your past.  I think if you'd been a virgin when you met him he'd be finding something else to be angry/mad about.  Why would anyone threaten to end their life because their partner knew other people and did other things before they met one another?  He is ill and i agree with a PP, sounds very unstable and frightening.  Please stay safe. :hug

post #14 of 42
Thread Starter 

Thanks to eveyrone for your input.  It is helpful.  I guess I need to draw the picture more clearly.  DH says that the real issue is that I did not tell him the complete truth in the beginning, after being the one to bring it up.  The reason I told him about it - basically number of partners and what types of relationships they were - was that in my 22 year old mind, I felt like my life partner would need to know about the history overall and be willing to deal with it, or know about it and decide not to marry me.  By revealing details, saying I had gotten it all out, but then later coming up with more, he says I was manipulating him.  I can see what he's saying some, but of course, that's not how I saw it at the time. I saw that here was this man I loved and I was telling him things so he would know, but then he'd ask all these questions and get so angry, so I'd say some things and then shut down because the anger was so difficult to handle.   

post #15 of 42
Thread Starter 

Edited by cheerios - 1/13/11 at 4:00pm
post #16 of 42

But OP...you have NOT HAD sex outside of marriage.  Something else is going on here.  You have been faithful to him.  He is freaking out in a way that indicates that something else is also going on.  He has no right to treat you like this.  As to those emails/letters. Don't do it.  Once you do, it gives him more ammunition.

post #17 of 42

I'm sorry i don't get how it affects him that you have a sexual history (assuming you haven't passed an STD to him).  My partner is helping raise a KID i had with SOMEONE else.  Your DH needs some perspective, sorry!

post #18 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheerios View Post

Thanks to eveyrone for your input.  It is helpful.  I guess I need to draw the picture more clearly.  DH says that the real issue is that I did not tell him the complete truth in the beginning, after being the one to bring it up.  The reason I told him about it - basically number of partners and what types of relationships they were - was that in my 22 year old mind, I felt like my life partner would need to know about the history overall and be willing to deal with it, or know about it and decide not to marry me.  By revealing details, saying I had gotten it all out, but then later coming up with more, he says I was manipulating him.  I can see what he's saying some, but of course, that's not how I saw it at the time. I saw that here was this man I loved and I was telling him things so he would know, but then he'd ask all these questions and get so angry, so I'd say some things and then shut down because the anger was so difficult to handle.   


but, you said you gave him the scope of things when things were getting serious, and that his negative reaction prompted you to stop giving details. so, when the chips were down, he had his chance to hear you out, to listen to your past, to understand the part of you that is PAST and not his and not his to control and not his to judge, and he made it clear that he was unable to do so. you are not expected to detail every sexual encounter you have ever had, especially if you are going to receive hateful and hurtful responses to it! and i have to say, even if there was no history of abuse and you had just matured sexually early and lived a wild adolescence, his reaction is totally unacceptable. the fact that you were abused and treated without respect while still a child (!!) just makes all the more reason that you deserve a loving, understanding, accepting response to your past. i think PPs have said good things about how shocked and wrong this whole situation seems. stay safe, please.
post #19 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by cheerios View Post

OH, and as far as whether or not I've done something wrong, he definitely sees any sex outside of a committed relationship as wrong.  And since I am his wife, it really affects him. 


My answer to him would be he shouldn't have married me then.  He knew you had a sexual past and it was his choice to marry you anyway.  The details of that past are irrelevant and certainly don't matter after 16 years of marriage.  At least they shouldn't in my eyes.

post #20 of 42
Thread Starter 

Edited by cheerios - 1/13/11 at 4:00pm
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